We visited the world’s most crowded pumpkin farm yesterday, and as we were weaving our way through the dodge-’em-car parking lot Dylan obliviously stepped directly into the path of a moving vehicle. I mean, like one more inch and the guy would have run over his foot, if he hadn’t knocked him down completely and smashed him into liverwurst. JB and I both lunged for Dylan at the same time, chastised him for not being more careful, and then I grabbed hold of the back of his collar in order to physically steer him through the rest of the lot. Except I didn’t just latch onto the fabric, I sort of gripped the entire back of his neck so I was practically Vulcan-nerve-pinching him as we walked along. I was so furious, you see. Just absolutely angry as hell. It was a familiar sensation, I feel this way every time one of my kids does something stupidly dangerous. It’s like a whoosh of fearful adrenaline rushes through my body, and instead of being flooded with relief afterwards — as would make SENSE — all the molecules instantly rearrange themselves into a full-blown rage. What it is, I guess, is a frustrated sort of despair that gets more and more overwhelming as they get older: I CANNOT POSSIBLY BE RESPONSIBLE FOR KEEPING YOU ALIVE AT ALL TIMES. PLEASE DON’T PUT THIS ENTIRE BURDEN ON ME. Maybe it also feels a little like the ultimate parenting fail. I taught him to say thank you and I taught him to make his bed but godDAMN if I taught him a single lick of self-preservation.

• If you didn’t get a chance to surf the comments in the last post, you totally should. I watched every single video and followed every link and I don’t think I can name a favorite because there was so much good stuff. (Cats stealing dog beds, maybe. No! The 911 call from the guy who got bit by a deer then had to fight a dog. No, wait, the video of the cat fail set to AWOLNATION’s “Sail.” NO THE AUTOCORRECT ROUNDUP oh jesus this is like Sophie’s Choice.)

• I went to a neighborhood thrift store yesterday and scored a gorgeously fitted (ie, is somehow warm and sleek without creating that Michelin Man effect) white winter down jacket from Kenneth Cole for $9. NINE DOLLARS! Savin’ my money and I’m hella happy that’s a bargain, bitch.

• Riley, who has never shown any interest in reading for pleasure, is absolutely obsessed with Calvin & Hobbes books. He reads them every night before he falls asleep, sometimes dog-earing a page to ask me about a joke the next day. He wants to write a fan letter to Bill Watterson and ask if any adults were ever able to see Hobbes the way Calvin did. I mean. Can you even.

• I got interested in apple cider vinegar after reading a bunch of (frankly dubious-sounding) health claims — you can google “apple cider vinegar benefits” to see what I’m talking about, it’s basically said to do everything from cure hiccups to battle fatigue — so I decided to try it out. You may or may not know this, but apple cider vinegar tastes HORRENDOUS. Like sour feet, only worse somehow? I’ve tried diluting it, mixing it with other crap, and manfully shooting it straight down my throat, and it all adds up to a fairly unpleasant experience. But … BUT. I’ve been taking a tablespoon or so once or twice a day, and all my digestion issues are gone. Not that I was plagued with anything too major, just some uncomfortable bloating/gas towards the end of the day, particularly after eating stupid healthy FARTY foods. Anyway: all gone. Like, completely. So I’m staying on the brutal ACV train, because not feeling 25 weeks pregnant every evening is kind of awesome.

• Dylan wants to watch the Pacific Rim trailer over and over, and today I caught him fervently whispering the “Today we are canceling the apocalypse!” Idris Elba quote. Only he said it like this: “Today we are canceling the abop … aproca … hippoblotamus!”

• There is a football game tonight and a soccer game tomorrow and after that we are done with kid sports until spring.

← Previous PageNext Page →