I’ve been thinking about aging lately. Maybe by “lately” I mean “since this morning, when the bright sunlight shining through my bathroom window made me recoil hissing from the mirror like those gross projectile penis-tongue vampires in The Strain,” but anyway I’ve been noticing that in addition to the usual aging suspects — wrinkles, generalized bagginess, and the magical ability to gain ten pounds in one sitting — I have all these weird things going on since I turned 40.

For instance:

• Ridged nails. I read that as you age your nails start losing their ability to retain moisture, which atrophies areas of the “nail matrix” resulting in “longitudinal ridging.” That is some bullshit right there. I mean, I know in the grand scheme of health problems this doesn’t exactly register, but … well, it’s still bullshit. I have wrinkles on my fingernails, you guys.

• Random skin things. I developed this mole-thing on my leg that was a total outlier compared to other moles and I got all scared and went to the dermatologist convinced she was going to tell me it was skin cancer and she was basically like, “Oh, that’s a (term I’ve since forgotten). These can be common as you get older.” Just … yeah, sorry, you’re going to have some lumpy unattractive bullshit here and there, and we could dig it out but it’ll be a bitch since those things run deep so maybe just get used to the new you.

• Inability to sit for extended periods of time. I had my hair colored on Monday and I verified something I’ve been suspecting for a while: I can no longer truly enjoy lengthy salon visits, because sitting for that long in a chair makes my ass and legs fall asleep. BULL. SHIT.

• Face-creases that last all day. You know when you sleep on a pillow crease and you get a line in your cheek? Well, my bullshit pillow-dents now last for hours on end so I look like Inigo fucking Montoya.

• A visible vein that runs vertically down my forehead, connecting the top of my head to the frown-lines between my eyebrows. This is the biggest pile of bullshit of all, because not only do the ever-deepening “elevens” on my forehead make me look like I’m perpetually pissed off about something, the GIANT BLUE VEIN makes it seem like I’m about to have a goddamned stroke from sheer rage. It’s particularly noticeable when I’m laughing, which makes for some attractive photos. My only solace for this new and unwanted development is that Angelina Jolie has one too, so maybe it will eventually become a hot fashion trend and people will start injecting their heads with tinted saline and I’ll be all Hipster Ariel about it, like my forehead looked creepy FIRST.

Meanwhile, my husband’s charming eye-creases and silvering beard pretty much make him look like he just stepped out of a Clint Eastwood movie. So, so, so much bullshit.

Comments

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
307 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Karen
Karen
7 years ago

And the random hairs that come out of nowhere all of a sudden. I woke up one morning to an inch long gray pube coming out of the middle of my forehead. I swear it wasn’t there the night before. I couldn’t pluck it quick enough…hasn’t come back…yet!

JudithNYC
JudithNYC
7 years ago

LOL Karen beat me to it. I remember scolding my mom when I would find long facial hairs on her. Well, now I am 65 and learning that those suckers can grow 1/4 inch overnight (almost.)

Charlene
Charlene
7 years ago

Oh how I understand.

I want someone to explain the rash of weird injuries that happened after I turned 40. Left knee got wonky and had therapy. got it working well. Started water aerobics(youngest one in class) to let wonky knee finish healing. Woke up one day I could not use my left wrist. It was to the point I could not turn to palm up. Let me tell you it is a bitch when you have to ask your husband to put your bra on and off. Lots of yelling hands off the ladies. Six months we have a diagnosis. I have a frayed tendon in the ulnar tendon. yeah, good times. Hopefully, 41 in a month is better.

Kristin
Kristin
7 years ago

Two words: chin hairs. Curse of my middle age. (Along with the muffin top that has a life of its own.)

Katharine
7 years ago

So often have I grumbled to my husband, “And you just get to look distinguished.” Asshole.

Jennifer
Jennifer
7 years ago

I almost died choking on my water, laughing over your head vein.

cara
cara
7 years ago

Oy, the indignities of aging.

I do have a maybe suggestion about the ass falling asleep and face creases, though. Are you maybe slacking on the water intake? Good hydration or lack thereof can impact both of those.

sooboo
7 years ago

My dermatologist likened the weird spots to barnacles on a ship which was colorful but made me feel a little weird. I have the opposite problem you have, inability to stand for long periods. When I go to hear live music, I need to sit after an hour or so because my back is killing me. I never heard of the nail thing. I imagine all these things aren’t going to get better with time. Funny how we always think it won’t happen to us.

Maggie
7 years ago

Seriously, JFC I impinged my right shoulder last month SLEEPING. Aging is bullshit.

perl
perl
7 years ago

Holy smokes – 41 and I started falling apart. But dude – a few days ago I started obsessively researching putting tape on my face. I don’t know where I first saw it. You can buy the “Frownies” or just use whatever tape (got me some Nexcare or something from the Rite Aid)

I’ve been doing it while I sleep (for the giant nasolabial folds that haunt me) and apparently it works amazingly well on bullshit pillow dents (if you can predict where they will land).

My sister and I used to make fun of my parents and ask them to move the skin around their eyes and pinch the top of their hands so it would stick for a few seconds. HA! Karma is a beyotch.

Kelley O.
Kelley O.
7 years ago

Skin tags is the term I believe you’re looking for. I have a line of about 8 of them on either side of my belly button. My doctor (who is about 12, I think) said they’re normal signs of aging. And yeah, “unsightly nail ridges”, got those too. And chin hairs. My boyfriend plucked one out for me at lunch today (I think he dropped it into his salad actually). I’m 50. Ain’t life grand?

C
C
7 years ago

Nail ridges can also be caused by vitamin deficiencies!

Heidi
Heidi
7 years ago

I just had to google frownies. How have I not heard of this before? Interesting.

Jennifer
Jennifer
7 years ago

Heh. I can’t paint my toenails now because my knees don’t liked to be squeezed that way anymore and I can’t really reach if I prop them on the coffee table and my lower back starts to hurt and I can’t see up close and it’s bullshit!

Rachael
7 years ago

Is your eyesight going yet? It will, it will.

Sarah
Sarah
7 years ago

40 here too and Yess to al of those. I have no forehead wrinkles yet but that vein drives me crazy.

Penne
7 years ago

I thought 43 was bad. Then I turned 48. So much bullshit.

Judy
Judy
7 years ago

I see your numb butt and raise you swollen feet, two fingers perennially numb and tingling, crepey skin on my hands and arms, sciatica, luggage under the eyes, a wattle, and boobs that were perky two years ago but suddenly are empty sacks pointing downward. Y’all with your middle-aged problems…wait til you’re in your 70s. Ugh.

Donna
Donna
7 years ago

These are hilarious because . . . . yep, 65 is even worse. Ah yes . . . . . we’re all in this together, aren’t we?!

Angella
7 years ago

*Fist Bump*

You know, if it wouldn’t make us pull a rotator cuff.

Sarah
Sarah
7 years ago

Oh Hallelujah, I’m not alone!

Katharine
7 years ago

@Kelley O., they aren’t skin tags. I won the sweepstakes and at age 32 I have both skin tags AND (I suspect) the weird things that Linda was talking about. They’re not floppy like skin tags, they’re flat and sensationless. The thing they resemble most is mild warts. My dermatologist was like “Usually people are a little older when they start getting these, heh heh.” Thanks a whole heap, there, lady.

Sharon
Sharon
7 years ago

You always look fantastic in pictures you post. You are too hard on yourself!

Donna
Donna
7 years ago

Actually I feel better than I have in like forever. *But I’m lifting 125 pounds over and over all day. And more when I’m lifting people too. I guess all that exercise really is good for me.

*working ambulance lifting the gurney with all the shit on it or a pt which may or may not have shit on them lol gurney is probably 80 or so lbs and then monitor and jump kit on top of it.

FunnyGal KAT
7 years ago

(*inspecting fingernails and happy to discover they’re not wavy… yet*)

You mean it gets worse?!? I thought, at 38, this is as creaky and wrinkly as my body will get. I’m feeling like I should go out today and check some things off the bucket list before I get too old to do them!

And now I’m off to study my forehead in a mirror to make sure I don’t have that vein thing… yet.

Maggie
Maggie
7 years ago

Oh Gawd, I am so right there with you on all of the BULLSHIT. And you didn’t even mention the hormones! Crap, I feel like a different person. People keep saying the 40’s are the best, not feeling it over here.

Dawn
Dawn
7 years ago

If it makes you feel any better, I’m 32 and have had the nail ridges since I was a teenager. Can only imagine what fresh hell awaits me when I turn 40.

Mary Clare
Mary Clare
7 years ago

My eye region tells my age (38). Any smiling or facial expression reveals the extensive crows feet lines. And now the dark circles and eye puffiness are constant. Make up can only do so much. Argh.

Lolo
Lolo
7 years ago

…..But notice that Jolie has no “11” on her brow. What up with that!? Hmmmmm.

Mary
Mary
7 years ago

My least favorite things are the chin whiskers…especially the ones that sprout up overnight when I KNOW they were not there when I went to bed the night before. I also have these…interesting…creases underneath each eye that seem to taunt me every time I look in the mirror. Not. A. Fan.

I just bought a whole bunch of things from Sephora that I am hoping will help with some of the big-pores-dark-spots-why-do-I-look-like-I-am-frowning-all-the-time issues I have going on right now.

Jo
Jo
7 years ago

I’ve noticed that vein on Angelina J, ha.

I’m seriously veiny – they show through my skin, like everywhere now! I even went to the dr about it, thinking I had some rare condition! Nope, you’re just getting OLD!

And I have to drink tons of water now, otherwise I can’t poop!

Good times, nobody WARNED ME about this :)

dorrie
dorrie
7 years ago

DO NOT GET ME STARTED

Shawna
Shawna
7 years ago

Ohmigod, YES to the first two in particular!

And yesterday it was officially confirmed that I could (should?) now use the lowest-prescription-level reading glasses!!!

Shawna
Shawna
7 years ago

Oh, oh, I just remembered: I have one old-Scottish-man eyebrow hair now! About a year ago I noticed one hair in my left eyebrow that’s flat, and thick and curly, and I’ve let it grow to see how long it gets before it falls out naturally but seriously I’ve never made it that far because when it’s, like THREE TIMES the length of its smooth, round, short neighbours I feel too much like a freak and pull. it. out.

Christina
7 years ago

It could be worse… I have acne as bad if not worse then when I hit puberty. It.is.hell. I also have a perma frown line about my right eyebrow which I pretty sure is combo from scowling at my child for poor behavior and stare squinting at a computer screen all day long! Oh oh and even when I color my gray hairs away my hair stays gray in texture – twiggy and unmanageable! Blerg. Getting old sucks!

Barbara
Barbara
7 years ago

Skin barnacles. Ah yes. Then there’s the crepey skin on neck, arms, chest, which seems to happen overnight. Vaginal atrophy after menopause = painful intercourse. Gnarly “old lady” fingers (larger knuckles from arthritis) again that seem to happen overnight.

But you know what? We’re alive and healthy and it won’t always be that way. So I say embrace it and be proud we’ve managed to make it this long! What helps to do that is not look at yourself up close in full sunlight, when talking to someone in full sunlight let them face it, and when on top in bed don’t lean over (the face falls).

Melissa
Melissa
7 years ago

I hate my husband’s distingushed graying beard, while I am furiously coloring my hair in the bathroom splattering dye all over the place

Mandy
7 years ago

You know, the older I get, and the more I notice things changing on myself and my peers, the more I start to go easier on myself as far as the typical self-loathing goes. Instead I step back and observe it from afar- because inside I’m still about to turn 17, right?

Alison
Alison
7 years ago

I’m actually weirdly satisfied to hear ridged nails is an age thing because I was just so confused by the increased need for maintenance. I’ve never had lovely hands/nails, but it seems like I now require significant sanding/buffing just to keep a couple notches above decrepit. Age strikes again apparently.

The vein thing!! God. There was enough going on with my forehead before without the addition of the giant rope vein. You would think with the amount of blood this thing must feed to my face my eyes would look more rested.

Chrissy
Chrissy
7 years ago

40 is just around the corner for me, and in honor of that milestone birthday, a skin tag appeared on my neck (fun!) and two cheekbone age spots decided to join the party. I’ve also noticed that I get really stiff if I don’t get up from my computer at work and take little stretch/walk breaks on a regular basis & it’s a lot harder to lose weight now that my metabolism is slowing waaaaaaay down. I recently learned that your EARLOBES never stop growing, so I’ve been waiting for those to get all wobbly, too.

Judy
Judy
7 years ago

Barbara – right on with the “don’t look down” when you’re on top. But then when you’re on the bottom, your boobs go into your armpits. My boobs. Always large, and surprisingly perky until the last five years, when they immediately became lengthy, empty sacks that sway, get sweaty underneath, and point to the floor.

Also, I’ve noticed a tendency to get a runny nose when I exert myself. I’m handicapped, so my idea of exertion is probably far below yours, but it’s annoying to go to the kitchen, feed the cat, grab some breakfast, and have to blow my nose. I asked the doctor about it and he came up with some mile long name starting with “rhino” and informed me it’s just something that happens with age. So, since I’m probably not going to get any younger, I better stock up on the Kleenex, huh? Ugh!

Diane
Diane
7 years ago

I have not laughed this hard in ages…Granted it was a kinda pathetic “I hear ya” laugh but I really appreciate knowing I’m not alone. All these things are a pain but the alternative is much worse.

opusfx.com
7 years ago

佐藤すみれってガチャピンみたいな顔のブスだがホリプロってだけで、友近にそっくりの仁藤って
ようわからんけどオニャン子クラブの末期もこんな感じやったん?
  | 9 レ´     ̄( 、_, ) ̄ │    乃木坂は今までよくやってくれたよ。

There a variety of things an individual are capable of doing now to get started on fixing your bad credit
score. Therefore, you need to estimate costs,
revenues, break even point, growth rate, and return on your investment
carefully. opusfx.com That can be your goal just as one
author within Street Articles; Interesting, sharable content.
Fifteen extensive is completed within two semesters, each with ideas integrated with one another.

willikat
7 years ago

I was going to echo more water for nails and sleep-face. Those things can be helped with hydration. Although I’ve had ridged nails for forever from thyroid disease. Dumb.

Laura
Laura
7 years ago

My neck is ringed like a tree.

Lydia
Lydia
7 years ago

A three year old told me someone must have cut my face between my eyes because of my ‘elevens’.

On a happier note, Julia Roberts has a forehead vein, too!

T
T
7 years ago

I’ll hit 40 in six weeks. I’ve already spent a shit ton on ridiculous lasers for my chin and hey guess what!? The girl tells me ‘Sorry…it’s really hard to get those gray ones’!

At my last salon visit we had a serious discussion about botox for the 11. Next thing you know, I’m making calls. *sigh*

whoorl
7 years ago

I HAVE THE FOREHEAD VEIN. It’s the worst. Also? I guess 40 means simply walking to your refrigerator and pulling out your back or bending over to roll up your boyfriend jeans and tearing your hamstring insertion. WTF.

Julie
Julie
7 years ago

No mention of sudden jacked-up teeth when they’ve been straight your whole life? Dentist says “oh yes, your teeth move forward as you age.” Braces are covered by insurance for the young ‘uns, $5000 for moi. Bullshit.

Don’t get me started on poop. One trip to another time zone and I’m off kilter for weeks.

Rachel
7 years ago

YOU ARE NOT KIDDING. My husband is five years older than I am (I’ll be 40 at Christmas) and he is, no joke, the hottest he has ever been, what with the salt-and-pepper in his beard and the new 200-mile-a-month cycling hobby and the charming crows’ feet. I, meanwhile, look more like my grandmother (and not even the cute grandmother — the other one) every time I pass a mirror. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FAIR?

1 2 3 7