Boredom, restlessness, anxiety, fear, frustration, despair, impatience, sorrow; then, shame for feeling all of those things when I compare my situation to others. Repeat, then eat another brownie.

A newish addition to this stew of bleargh is the unpleasantness of all these opinions being slung around by a society of armchair experts who apparently just received medical degrees issued by Wake Up Sheeple University. I feel like a walking Jonah Hill gif: sorry I find the information shared by actual scientists to be more worthy of my attention than that one article you found by some rightwing crackpot blatting on about how this is just like the flu and no one freaks out about the flu, FUCK ME, RIGHT?

I can agree that information has been messy and inaccurate in some cases and I also feel deeply mistrustful of practically everything I read online these days but also can someone please explain using very simple terms what the nefarious end goal would be for any person of authority to oppose reopening businesses and services? Like, I honestly don’t get the conspiracy vibe around this. They want everything to stay shut down because … then the libs win? What?

I hate how this whole mess has become yet another political game piece, and I am having a really hard time being the sole citizen in my married family who’s on Team Hey Let’s Maybe Try to Kill Less People by Proceeding with Caution especially when that point of view is treated as unnecessary (foolish, informed by the wrong sources) economy-tanking worry-warting, and I am also aware that however many days of house arrest this has been probably hasn’t been ideal for any of us in terms of maintaining the ability to engage in polite disagreements.

Repeat. Then:

The other day Dylan and I were talking about what the plan was for the weekend and he suggested that we go bowling and when I started to remind him that wasn’t an option he snapped his fingers with irritation and said, “Right, the global pandemic.”

Oh RIGHT. That. It’s obviously not really forgettable — but sometimes it somehow is? Someone wrote in the comments a while back that it’s like when the power goes out and you find yourself bumbling around still flipping switches and feeling bamboozled when nothing happens. That feeling was more prevalent at the beginning but even now with actual weeks under my belt I still occasionally find myself thinking things like, Ugh the kids are driving me nuts I think I’ll go work from a coffee shop this afternoon OH RIIIIGHT.

One thing I am not remotely capable of forgetting is that I can’t see my hairstylist, which is a fact I am reminded of every time I look in the mirror. The roots are bad enough, but what exactly is happening to the ends of my hair? It’s like they’re just dissolving into dried-out frizz, my split ends have split ends and the whole effect is very Phil Spector, But Worse. Meanwhile my scalp has revolted/become revolting; thanks to a steady diet of dry shampoo, anxiety, and glucose, I am always itchy and flaky, and I have tried every dandruff solution available including the no-nonsense chemical kind that smells like DEET, and the hippie kind that’s full of tea tree and vague witchy promises, and nothing works. Please send all your suggestions that do not involve changing my eating plan from routinely loading up a Nerf gun with Cheese-Its and M&Ms and firing them directly into my mouth.

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