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Archives from 2002-2006

Here are some out-of-character things I have done in the last few weeks:

• Filled the entire lower crisper drawer in the fridge with a selection of sodas, because honestly no one is eating lettuce right now but 3 of us are consuming an unholy amount of diet root beer on the daily

• Cleaned all my makeup brushes, for the first time in uhhhhhharrrumph

• Started folding my underwear and putting away bras so they are sort of fancily nestled Victoria’s Secret-style instead of all wadded up in a big clump

• Switched from the good-smelling but probably useless kitchen cleaner sprays to the no-nonsense antibacterial variety

• Purchased a pair of magnifying goggles with a built-in light to further lose my mind over that miniature kit I’ve been working on

• Paid to participate in an online “high intensity” group yoga class. (The in-character thing I did was chickened out at the last minute and didn’t attend.)

Oregon announced that school would be online-only for the rest of the year, which wasn’t hugely surprising but still kind of a gut punch. No 8th grade graduation for Riley; not anywhere near as sad as all the high school seniors missing out on prom and their final year celebrations, but still.

I’m disappointed that Riley, who just blossomed in track last year, will miss this year’s season. Dylan had initially been reluctant to give track a try, but had changed his mind — now he won’t get the chance to see which events he liked, or forge those sports-driven friendships.

It’s hard not to get caught up in worrying about what the long-term repercussions will be for all of this. We went to the cabin on Thursday and I spent a long time sitting next to the river; at one point a boat motored by and I watched how its wake disrupted the entire waterflow for many minutes after its passing. All these ripples and waves, where will we all be in a few months, what will things look like?

Better to feel the sun on my skin, to listen to the birds overhead. Tomorrow is a hope, not a promise.

The irrational thought I keep having is that I wish there was a way to know who is going to experience a mild version of the virus so those people could just get it, then self-quarantine during the contagion period before rejoining the world as helpful immune worker bees who can assist everyone else without hogging the PPE. I suspect this stems less from an altruistic place and more from a cowardly desire to be done with this hiding-from-the-enemy phase that feels a bit like a horror movie where the victim freezes in place and hopes whatever sinister force is out there just passes them by.

The other thing I’ve been thinking about is how there are all these ethical micro-decisions we are having to make — go to the grocery store or get groceries delivered? Go on a sanity-saving hike where there are other people but they are distanced or don’t? Wear a goofy makeshift mask that makes you look like Nicolas Cage in Raising Arizona (“Son, you got a panty on your head”) or just try and hold your breath whenever you briefly pass someone in the aisle? — and there aren’t really any rules, or there are but they keep changing, or they’re really less rules but more, like, opinions, man, and everyone seems to have very strong opinions right now but I don’t so I feel swayed one way then another and it feels like there’s a growing sense of infighting now that the real gut-punch emergency sense is waning and god, I am so tired of everyone disagreeing on EVERYTHING, but doesn’t it seem like we are just in for it, bigtime?

How on earth is anyone going to agree on when we should re-open things, for instance? As badly as we all want to get back to some semblance of normal life, at what point will it feel like that is, inarguably, the right thing to do?

Anyway. I will switch to a lighter note: online school seems to be going well, three days in. The kids stay super busy, at any rate, and while they complain endlessly about the boringness of the required video conferencing calls (welcome to your future, children!) they both admit they like seeing their friends and classmates.

Also, while the bickering is, as always, intense and constant, they really do seem to be getting along pretty well. The four of us are turning out to be pretty good at this hunker-down-together thing. Among all the worry and boredom and anxiety of these days there are so many bright spots, a lot of laughter and shared moments I hope I remember forever. In some ways this all feels like a bizarre gift that can alternately feel lovely or grueling or enlightening or terrible, depending on how you hold it.

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