I would say that starting in, oh, March of 2020 and extending well through December, I was deeply mired in feelings-eating mode. I can remember many many MANY days of being like, well, everything is terrible and both figuratively and literally on fire, it’s just too much to put limits on one of my favorite coping mechanisms so obviously I am having that ninth cookie.

If you think of intuitive eating as giving yourself permission to eat what you want whenever you want, that’s sort of what I did, except instead of being mindful and listening to my body’s cues I went full self-medication mode and honestly got weirdly disconnected from what actual hunger feels like for a while. I didn’t unfuck my view of “good” or “bad” foods and instead reinforced my internal bad wiring when it comes to assigning morality to food, I didn’t opt out of diet culture even a little bit.

Soooo pretty much the exact opposite of intuitive eating, actually.

One thing I didn’t do is stop exercising, which is kind of a breakthrough for me — I feel like for most of my adult life I’ve had an all-or-nothing approach to both fitness and eating healthfully, and they became so entangled in my head I felt like I couldn’t do one without the other.

(It probably doesn’t sound like major personal progress to keep up with workouts while also turning myself into a human garbage disposal between the hours of 6 and 9 PM every single blessed day, however: IT IS.)

This year has been better, I definitely still do a lot more evening snacking than I wish I would but I don’t often find myself in that mindless, numbing mode like I used to. I signed up with Noom to get more educated and aware of my eating habits, I do a daily mindfulness practice with yoga, I try to use the tools in my tOoLbOx instead of always going for the Avoid Feelings route.

It’s a work in progress, but hell, what isn’t?

At some point in time the email notification plugin for this blog started getting weird and then the actual publication function started getting weird and now it’s all been weird for so long it’s just an expected part of the process: I hit publish on an entry, WordPress seems to mouthbreathe about it for a bit then gives me a vague error that implies the Internet has had quite enough of my garbage, even though the post actually does get published in some sort of unsatisfying behind-the-scenes way. Meanwhile, the email notification whatsit seems to be interpreting the error as either an indicator there is nothing to notify anyone about, or it too has applied machine knowledge over the years and has now decided there is certainly nothing of WORTHINESS to announce. Plus, on the rare occasion that the email does come through, it gets plastered with hostile security warnings (at least that’s how it appears on my end) which is pretty dramatic for a website that as far I know does not host a thriving poodle porn (tragically including all trendy variants of ‘doodles) empire but then again I no longer understand anything about how it all works so maybe it DOES.

Oh and also, I used to get email notifications when someone left a comment, and now I hardly ever do, which is very annoying and more than once has led me to assume readership had dwindled to literal zero.

It would be easy to be all what’s an old-school blogger to do, who can possibly keep up with all these newfangled tools? However, the tools have not in fact changed since the forever-ago when I installed them, which is to say their inner workings remain as baffling to me now as they did then. There’s honestly no excuse for not getting these things fixed except for how that sounds exhausting, soooooo.

After nearly twenty years of Interwebs writing it seems fairly ridiculous that I have neither 1) adapted to modern trends and tech nor 2) wisely closed up shop, but there’s just something I will forever and ever love about an 00’s-era blog. In fact, now that I think of it I’m basically doing my part to preserve a vintage content experience through my utter ignorance selfless historian services, and I suppose if I haven’t found a reason to quit yet I’m just gonna keep at it.

Anyway. Thanks for being on the other end of the screen, friends. Sorry the place is kind of a dump these days but I sure appreciate that you still stop by.

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