Dec
15
I posted something here that I came to regret. I know there is a way to share my truth while following the north star of this post-divorce life: stick to my side of the street, and I failed that. I’m an emotional human working this out in real time, and I biffed it. And I can’t have commentary that takes sides, if you can understand that. It’s not fair. I like having comments, I always have, but writing like this comes with responsibility and I need to guide us towards the right kind of convo. I’m writing my way through a real crazy time and the internet isn’t a diary I keep under my bed, it’s out here in the open and it’s up to me to hold the right boundaries, which is rough because have you met me, I have always been kind of a big blurry mess in that department, but I can do better and I will.
Here is almost all of what I shared, which is everything I meant to say.
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I feel so settled in my house now. I feel so settled in my new LIFE now. A few weeks ago out at the barn I adjusted my stirrups so they are one notch shorter and I could not believe what a difference that made riding, like I was finally in the perfect alignment and felt so deep and confident on Little Joe’s back. I don’t know why that took me two whole years to figure out, but it’s so good now. I thought I was comfortable, but I wasn’t. I thought I was steady, but it’s so much better now.
I drink better coffee. I sleep better. I go on better walks. I have a better social life. I feel better about myself. I feel better about how I move through the world.
I will always remember and honor the good times because there were plenty, but I see now how I was living. How I did not realize just how much better my life could be. I was so afraid to leave the comfort I had, I didn’t know it was like riding wrong in the saddle. You think it’s fine until you feel something better, and then that just blows your whole world wide open.
Comments
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I have appreciated your candor and point of view. I was honestly happy to have a little more insight! sometimes the raw bare honesty is the best way to communicate. I’m sorry if there were regrets after. My kids are similar age to yours, and I have been here since all of them were so small. It’s odd now, this next phase of life.
I think you are doing excellently and think this walk through the forest is tricky and you are navigating it like a pro riding Joe’s back in boots that fit …
Navigating the path through your new journey can be tricky. Owning the things you regret, and changing things is courageous.
It’s wonderful to have a window into seeing you live your best life!
I really understand both the impulse to share and write about the painful stuff as well as the good bits. And the reason why you have edited yourself a bit. You are doing well, owning your emotions. Just wanted to make my support heard..
sending extra hugs for you to use when needed.
Understood. Will keep peanut gallery comments less blame-y and blanket-issued. <3<3<3
For what it’s worth, most of us have had these thoughts and opinions long before your divorce. We just wanted you to be happy and didn’t want to bring negativity to your life.
I’m a firm believer that for women it’s important to life other women up and sometimes that also means cheering them on, side picking and pointing fingers. It’s reality of life.
Reality is no one has a perfect marriage and no one’s divorce is perfect either.
But I also know it’s super hard when you’ve got kids and want to be civil at the very least.
I’ve reached a point in life where I’m like “ehhhh yea I’m cool saying he sucked” about my ex’s because they did. Then again, I’m not writing an open diary. So I do get it.
I’ve been reading you forever, and have always loved your writing. I’m 48, been through divorce and starting over.. a lot of it is behind me but your take on this journey is still soothing.
The truth is all marriages, and divorces with kids involved more so, are complex. There’s a lot under the surface. Not sure I could manage the boundaries of respecting others and telling my story, if I were in a similar situation. As a reader, I appreciate the delicate line you walk.