Sep
1
17
Filed Under Uncategorized | 16 Comments
There’s nothing that makes me feel the brutal nature of time’s passing quite like seeing an update from a person I know but don’t hear from very frequently and their small child has somehow morphed into an adult-shaped human and it makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever because THAT was a BABY like FIVE MINUTES AGO.
Anyway, guess what? Riley is seventeen now!
He drives now. He’s a straight-A student gearing up for a challenging year of AP courses. He’s an avid track athlete who’s focused on the triple jump. He’s hilariously snarky and loves animals, basketball, having one AirPod in at all times, and weightlifting. He still makes a giant mess when he eats crackers.
It feels like it’s been 17 years, it feels like it’s been 17 minutes.
We’re down to the final months of having him at home, and I realize that’s what it was all about from day one but I can’t think about it for too long or it takes my breath away.
Aug
12
Is anyone else:
• Diminished by the pandemic/all the things and wholly uncertain how to regain a sense of emotional fortitude
• Lonely but also constantly craving solitude
• Hating the effects of doomscrolling/social media but can’t stop doomscrolling/social media
• Always despairing over unwanted weight gain but unable to curb the behaviors that lead to weight gain
• Absolutely fucking poleaxed by social anxiety now and forever, god I’m so tired of all the fucks I continue to give about the dumbest shit when there is so much REAL shit to freak out about, what is WRONG with me why am I such a STUPID GARBAGE TITTY BABY
• Really trying to work on the negative self-talk
• Honestly in a constant war with your own brain which wants to be convinced there’s something deeply wrong and bad about your own self (which is exhausting, but better than always allowing yourself to believe)
• Uninterested in a lot of the things you were interested in a few years ago
• Not reading books nearly as much as you used to
• Realizing just how many years of parenting involved siphoning off serotonin from children’s uncomplicated delight and the whole teenage “meh” vibe is a real poor replacement when it comes to secondhand happiness
• Scared, like really deep-down scared about the future for our kids
• Feeling low to mid-grade anxiety pretty much most of the time
• Missing the night’s rest of a decade or so ago, which felt much more restorative than the elusive, shallow, always-waking-to-pee, totally unreliable “sleeping” that happens now
• Totally unclear when it comes to deciding what life’s second act could look like
• A natural introvert who is now verging on hermit but not really the content/enlightened kind
• Wishing for more connection but hugely overwhelmed by any social obligation whatsoever
• Hanging in there lol!
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