May
8
Captain America. Annoyingly gym-addicted, votes Republican, is forever pining for his ex. Waxes his chest.
Thor. Favorite activities include: smoking a bowl then describing the unparalleled genius of Metallica’s Ride the Lightning album, calling in sick to his job at Guitar Center, hitting you up for rent money.
Ironman. Entertaining to be around until you realize his favorite person to talk to is himself. Proposes a threesome with your best friend. Wears expensive loafers without socks.
Hawkeye. Has a large collection of military memorabilia. Claims MREs actually taste good. Inevitably demands to show off his “William Tell” technique after he’s had a few beers. Prone to erectile dysfunction.
Loki. Uses your hair gel. Owns 5200 Europop CDs. Says his favorite author is Ayn Rand.
Bruce Banner. Incapable of wearing a crisply ironed article of clothing, has the tendency to gaze soulfully over the edge of a wineglass. Gets pissed easily, but amazing makeup sex.
May
7
“You know, Mom? I think it’s actually kind of funner when it’s just us three.”
I know he only said it because I gave him a giant LEGO set (stored under our bed since before Christmas when I insisted that everyone had enough presents already) to play with and I bought them ice cream two three days in a row and I let them eat chips in the living room AND I spent like 2 hours last night playing dumb YouTube videos, but fuck it, I’ll take it. I NEVER GET TO BE THE FUNNER ONE.
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