Screen shot 2012-05-08 at 4.29.11 PM

Captain America. Annoyingly gym-addicted, votes Republican, is forever pining for his ex. Waxes his chest.

Screen shot 2012-05-08 at 4.30.28 PM

Thor. Favorite activities include: smoking a bowl then describing the unparalleled genius of Metallica’s Ride the Lightning album, calling in sick to his job at Guitar Center, hitting you up for rent money.

Screen shot 2012-05-08 at 4.31.11 PM

Ironman. Entertaining to be around until you realize his favorite person to talk to is himself. Proposes a threesome with your best friend. Wears expensive loafers without socks.

Screen shot 2012-05-08 at 4.33.17 PM

Hawkeye. Has a large collection of military memorabilia. Claims MREs actually taste good. Inevitably demands to show off his “William Tell” technique after he’s had a few beers. Prone to erectile dysfunction.

Screen shot 2012-05-08 at 4.54.05 PM

Loki. Uses your hair gel. Owns 5200 Europop CDs. Says his favorite author is Ayn Rand.

Screen shot 2012-05-08 at 9.13.15 PM

Bruce Banner. Incapable of wearing a crisply ironed article of clothing, has the tendency to gaze soulfully over the edge of a wineglass. Gets pissed easily, but amazing makeup sex.

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Ter
Ter
9 years ago

This is *the best* nerdy thing I’ve read all day! I know far too many people who will enjoy this :)

Amy N
Amy N
9 years ago

HYSTERICAL….however, at this state in my post divorce dry spell….I would do any of them :)

Melospiza
9 years ago

DYING here. And I haven’t even seen the movies.

moojoose
9 years ago

Hands down, my favorite post of yours. Ever.

(also, yes please, to all of them)

Maria
9 years ago

Hahahaha. Awesome.

Claire
Claire
9 years ago

I don’t know… I still think Thor takes the cake.

Angella
9 years ago

I grew up in a small town in northern BC, which now explains my affinity for Thor.

Courtney
Courtney
9 years ago

Yowza. Who knew Mark Ruffalo was so hot?

Jenny
9 years ago

I think I may have married Thor.

Nikki
9 years ago

LOVE this! I am dying laughing, and yet I agree with you on all these predictions!

april
9 years ago

This was hilarious. I feel compelled to share this with all of my nerdy friends on FB. Thanks for the laugh!

Suburban Snapshots
9 years ago

I choose Bruce Banner.

Erik
Erik
9 years ago

No love for nick fury/Sam Jackson?

Meagan
9 years ago

God, archers are hot.

robyn
9 years ago

Brilliant. Movie was not even on my radar and suddenly I must see.

Donna
Donna
9 years ago

Y’all obviously have not read Linda’s walking dead recaps……pure gold!
Genius! And now I’m thinking I might have to see this movie!

Lisa S.
9 years ago

I had been looking forward to your verdicts on these guys in the rigorous “Marry/F***/Kill” game, but this … this is even better.

Also, thank you for the many pictures of handsome man candy.

Jo
Jo
9 years ago

Gold, absolutely gold!

Anonymous
Anonymous
9 years ago

HAhahahaha…. awesome. this is fully what blogs are for.

M
M
9 years ago

Mark Ruffalo has great lips. Wow.

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
9 years ago

hehe love this :)

jen
jen
9 years ago

LOVE IT! You win at blog posts for the year.

But also? I never really thought Jeremy Renner was hot until this movie. HELLO.

Melissa A.
Melissa A.
9 years ago

I don’t care. Ironman is mine. All mine.

Aubrey
9 years ago

Oh, boy! I mean, man! Or…men!

Jo
Jo
9 years ago

Found you via Incogntus Scriptior and so glad … this was such a funny post! I loved the movie and would love me some Tony Stark. Yip, seems I’m a sucker for a man who is more interested in his own opinions ;)

Penny
Penny
9 years ago

Hahahaha! See now, I would have gone with Iron Man before reading this objective guide. But the loafers without socks thing is just such a good point. Bruce Banner it is!

MRW
MRW
9 years ago

I was going to try for F, M, K, but got stalled out realizing I’d put most of them in both the F and K category. M category was totally empty.

sweetney
9 years ago

Thor is pretty hot. Admit it.

KA
KA
9 years ago

But Steve Rogers is, if you take the “dancing” metaphor literally in his solo movie, a virgin. Which means after you tolerate a little inexperience, you can train him exactly how you want him.

And also convince him that pegging is how EVERYONE has sex in the 21st century.

Plus let’s not forget he has four times the recovery ability of a regular man, which makes him a Pez dispenser of hard-ons.

(Confession: I’d do ’em all. Including Black Widow, Nick Fury, and Agent Coulson.)

GeekFanGrl
GeekFanGrl
9 years ago

This is hysterical!!

Iron Man, Hawkeye.. Umm YES PLEASE!

Annabelle
Annabelle
9 years ago

Review of my late 20s. Hilarious.

Nicole
9 years ago

Oh my goodness, I didn’t know Mark Ruffalo was Bruce Banner, now I HAVE to see it! (And Ironman would be nice for a night or two!)

warcrygirl
9 years ago

I don’t care who/what Tony Stark talks about as long as he’s naked.

laura
laura
9 years ago

Ha! This is awesome and I didn’t even see the movie yet. Bruce Banner and/or Mark Ruffalo any day

Very Bloggy Beth
9 years ago

I’ll take Bruce Banner (it helps that I’m already madly in lust with Mr. Ruffalo). Thanks for making it so simple :)

Julia
9 years ago

You are hilarious! I laughed out loud and my husband looked at me like Im crazy!

tanya
tanya
9 years ago

Oh Bruce… flutter flutter flutter

gingerest
gingerest
9 years ago

I had to think about it for a minute and then I realized: Linda is enough of a fangirl/detail-oriented media consumer that the reason she didn’t include Nick Fury is that he’s the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D., not a member of the Avengers.

toni in florida
9 years ago

Your synopsis may be dead on, but I’d still love to lick every delicious centimeter of Thor’s body, then wrap my hands in his hair and ride him like a hobby horse… I might even want to share that bowl with him. DAMN, that man is h.o.t.!

Kass
9 years ago

This is so funny. I want to see you do a version of this same post for all the testosteroney summer movies. And my husband is happy because you’ve just convinced me to see The Avengers.

As for me, I’d hang out and smoke a bowl with Thor, but then I’d leave with Bruce Banner. Also, Loki looks like a discount Jared Leto.

Hipswap
9 years ago

LOL to this whole post in general and the Loki description in particular. Thanks for the laugh!

Shawna
Shawna
9 years ago

I find Bruce Banner to be the most appealing of these guys – does this mean I’m old?

TheRachelSyn
TheRachelSyn
9 years ago

Once again, Linda, you have hit the nail on the head – consider it a gift! Just saw the Avengers yesterday and love your analysis, though I do really love Thor.

Ashleas
Ashleas
9 years ago

I’ll take Loki any day.

Laura Diniwilk
9 years ago

Sooooo…Bruce Banner wins?

Amy
Amy
9 years ago

This reminds me of the website I saw during the Men’s World Cup that showed the hottest guys on each team. It made the world cup fun even after the US men got eliminated.

Amy

Mommy Boots
9 years ago

Not gonna lie – I’d do them all. Except Loki. He gives me the heebies and his hair is ick.

But Thor and Hawkeye? UNF CITY USA.

Christina
9 years ago

I thoroughly enjoyed this! Thanks! :)

Synthpop
6 years ago

Fantastic web site. A lot of helpful information here.
I’m sending it to some friends ans additionally sharing
in delicious. And of course, thanks for your effort!