Apr
4
Let’s paint the living room, we said. The color is old and the walls are chipped and scuffed and it’ll be nice to start over with a clean slate! Maybe a neutral color will lighten up the room a bit!
Why is that when I think about painting, I never think of moving furniture, pulling things off walls, filling in nail holes, rolling up rugs, removing things from shelves, and choking on the deadly plumes of dust that apparently coat every lesser-used surface of my house?
Anyway, what do you guys think? Ignore the vagina couch, I’m just counting down the days until I can shove it into the backyard and riddle it with bullet holes.
BEFORE:
AFTER:
Mar
22
I randomly found a very, very old email thread tonight, and I had to share:
—– Original Message —–
From: me
To: my friend
Subject: Re: Hey
Date: Wed, 23 Jan 2002 11:53:39 -0800
> JB told me when she emailed him to let him know she was pregnant. That’s great for those guys, I wish her all the best. I was sort of dumbstruck by it, in a I-can’t-believe-people-our-age-are-reproducing kind of way. I mean, intellectually I am aware my body physically could have pumped out like 10 kids by now but it still freaks me out because apparently mentally I am only 9 or so. I morbidly watch those shows on TLC like Maternity Ward where they show women all in pain and smooshing out babies that emerge covered in jello and it.flips.me.out. The husband is always there all supportive and *watching* all the action that is going on downtown, too. I told JB whenever we get to that point off in the reproduction-horizon he is not allowed to LOOK down there during the whole birth process. Then again, I am 9 right now, and maybe will grow up soon.
—
From: my friend
To: me
Sent: Wednesday, January 23, 2002 9:19 PM
> I know people my age give birth. it is a simple statement of fact that I went to high school with and knew several girls who gave birth before we even finished 12th grade. but I think the film we saw in 9th grade biology class of the “live birth” did something to me, and each time the concept of giving birth is mentioned and applied to MY life, I am reduced to that terrified, disgusted 13 year old. I don’t wonder why there are men who can’t have sex with their wives after they see them give birth. it is completely unfair, yes, but understandable. consequently, I refuse to watch “maternity ward”.
While many of my close friends have kids, janet is the first of my close FEMALE friends to give birth. I have known that janet wants kids all along, but I let myself believe that she’d go on as tongue lasher/career woman forever. and i never thought she’d bear children before lisa… who is also on a mission to become pregnant right now. while I am very happy for them, this whole scene is giving me issues.
—
From: me
To: my friend
Sent: Wednesday, January 23, 2002 4:12 PM
> Yeah. When JB read Janet’s email, he was at home and read part of it to me. I said “well, that’s great!” and then slid into a weird funk that resulted in me randomly blurting, about an hour later, “I certainly hope you don’t wish *I* were pregnant!” He was like “Ummm…no.”, probably mentally adding “PSYCHO”. It was weird to hear cause it’s someone my own age, deciding ON PURPOSE and everything, to have a child. I mean, I can’t even water my plants regularly. I started brooding on how she was all multitasking with her career and probably a houseowner and oh by the way also growing a *whole entire person* in her spare time. That was the night I watched a whole hour of Maternity Ward and snapped at JB about how he wasn’t going to be allowed to look Down There during that moment, whenever that moment should be. Him: “Umm…ok.” (PSYCHO). Because really, I know it’s a beautiful moment and angels are singing right then and whatever but how could you ever look at it the same again? And what happens with all that pushing if you have to go to the bathroom…like #2???? Oh, god.
—
From: my friend
To: me
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2002 2:35 PM
>
> i don’t know how to tell you this exactly, but before you give birth… they give you an enema.
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