Apr
15
Happy Jesus Comin’ Out of a Hole Day to one and all.
Apr
14
April 14, 2006
As part of the never-ending funfest that is our remodel, we upgraded our plumbing to copper piping instead of galvanized, which is something I don’t fully understand but apparently is Very Good in some intangible, expensive way.
As a result of this effort to provide us with Very Good pipes, for a few days while having our main water line tinkered with we had the world’s most disgusting substance spastically coughing from our faucets. It was rust-colored, it emerged in violent sputters, and it left a residue of tiny rocks and grime in the bottom of the tub. I guess it was water, but I can’t be sure.
Because I am not a brave little toaster who can buckle down and endure the absence of life’s luxuries, I launched into a full-scale whining campaign that expanded to include the great injustice of not being able to take a bath at night, the expense of bottled water, and the likely DNA mutations being triggered in our house’s mammalian occupants by our proximity to whatever in the HELL was emerging from those pipes.
JB, who has shouldered the entire load of planning and managing all of this work, manfully restrained himself from Gorilla-Glueing my trap shut and derailed my complaining by building a surround for the massive tub he’s having installed in our new bathroom.
Oh yeah, baby. Show me your jets.
The plumbing work has been completed now for the most part, and our pipes are free and clear. However, all is not well, and I’ll tell you why: our toilet has become a low flusher.
Our guest toilet used to be the toilet you’d want to use if you had maybe eaten a shitload (haaaaaaa) of fiber recently, you know what I mean? It took care of business; whatever went in there disappeared in one flush and there were no floaty little peekaboo wait-forever-for-the-bowl-to-refill-jeeeesus-christ surprise endings, either.
For some reason, the inner workings started failing, and for a while we had to constantly lift up the tank lid and fiddle with the…doohickey, the lever-whatsit, in order to get the tank to fill. So JB asked the plumbers to go ahead and replace the broken parts, and now? Our powerhouse turbo could-flush-a-blanket-if-need-be toilet flushes like this:
Ga glurg….glurg….glurrrrrrrg (siiiigh).
The toilet is a pansy now.
I’ve been informed that all modern toilet parts are designed to conserve water, and that if you want a toilet that flushes like God intended a toilet to flush, you have to buy one in Canada. Can that be true? I have to smuggle a bathroom fixture across the border in order to minimize the risk of being confronted with an encore appearance of my digestive output? And for some reason we have regulations that turn our country’s toilets into wusses but anyone can buy a freaking Hummer?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should abandon the noble effort of water conservation, but maybe we could turn off that Bellagio fountain for a couple weeks and everyone could flush their morning glory on the first try, you know?
Because seriously, no one wants to hear this shouted from behind a closed bathroom door: “Just a minute, I’m trying to get rid of Pete and Repeat.”
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As an apology for today’s subject, here is a far more pleasant visual:
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My product review site:
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