119 Responses to “The gamble and the guess”

1. Pete on February 22nd, 2007 3:13 pm

   How did you get Riley to clean at such a young age?
   I have found that my ‘gut’ feeling is almost always right.

2. angela on February 22nd, 2007 3:14 pm

   I too am of the school of You Will Just Know. But with that comes the reality that maybe there isn’t a perfect someone out there for you. Soulmates For Everyone is a Hallmark concept, not reality. Maybe you’ll have to settle, but that completely unfair to the other person. And maybe the definitive knowledge will come too late in life to act on it.

   I don’t want kids. My BF is considerably older than I am and he fears that I will wake up in 10 years and decide I want a baby, and it will be entirely too late for us to have one (ethically speaking, he’ll be 58 in 10 years, and that is entirely too old, IMO). But I’ve considered all my options and I’ve made my decision, so now I will lie in my bed.

3. warcrygirl on February 22nd, 2007 3:17 pm

   For me it’s not Just Knowing in as much as it’s not Running Screaming From The Thought of Whatever I’m Mulling Over. If it doesn’t scare the shit out of me then it’s time to give it a try. And just what is it about the Swiffer? Both of my kids LOVED playing with it.

4. Pickles & Dimes on February 22nd, 2007 3:43 pm

   I’m about to engage in marriage #2, and I found that going into marriage #1, I didn’t have ANY doubts. And that totally backfired. And then I turned into a colossal waffler/second guesser/non-decision maker.

   You’re right; sometimes you just have to be willing to take that gamble. Otherwise you’re not living life, you’re just wasting your time being afraid of what might go wrong.

5. dani on February 22nd, 2007 3:44 pm

   I just know.

   but I also know not to charge down rocky hills.

6. Mama Ritchie on February 22nd, 2007 3:48 pm

   I wonder if it’s different for men and women when it comes to the marriage question. I dated a couple guys before Jase and they did NOT want to marry me. They didn’t say it in so many words – but looking back, it was so obvious. When I would talk about the future, all I could hear were the crickets chirping. And this was in the winter. In Michigan. I knew I wanted to get married eventually, and I spent way too much time in relationships with guys who didn’t – and least not to me.

   But then Jase came back from California, and we started hanging out. And I invited him to this dinner party I hosted with my older boyfriend – the one who I spent over 3 years with even though he never said he loved me, even though he didn’t know what I took in my coffee or when my birthday was. And I looked at Jase across the yard – he was so crazy about me he agreed to go to a party filled with older professors he didn’t know – and I thought, man, life would be so much easier if I loved someone who loved me. And so I did. I left the party with him and never went back. And from that first night, he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me. I bought a vintage wedding dress ten days later and the only reason we didn’t elope is we couldn’t get a cheap flight to Vegas. We planned a ‘proper’ wedding and have now been together 10 years.

   He never thought twice. And I had to allow myself to be loved completely before I could let myself return it. I’m so glad I did. And I’m so glad I picked a man who knew, from the minute he laid eyes on me, that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. Marriage is hard enough, man. It’s just that much harder when you’re not sure if your spouse even wants to be with you.

   And DUDE – your former marriage! Shocker! But I totally understand it. I would have been married at least 3 times before Jason if they would have gone for it. Luckily, they were all commitment phobes!! Love the tushie pic!

7. Em on February 22nd, 2007 4:06 pm

   babies are hilarious!

8. Erin on February 22nd, 2007 4:07 pm

   I am paraphrasing a quote that I heard once that went along these lines: “You’re going into it with your eyes closed” and the reply was “When does anyone go into with their eyes wide open? You go into with your eyes closed and hope for the best.”

   I knew I could spend the rest of my life with my husband, but did either of get married knowing with absolute certainty that it would all be sunshine and roses for the rest of our days? Hell no. We knew we loved each other and that we could build a life and that sometimes that life would suck, that there were no guarantees, just love, respect and continued maintenance.

   I also had the same feeling you’re having now about having a second. I never had “that moment” where I knew that I just had to have another. My moment involved my Doctor telling me to get a move on because “your window of opportunity is closing”. Alrighty then! Now looking at what I have, I often say that I wish I knew then what the end result would be, because I think it’s pretty spectacular.

9. Josh on February 22nd, 2007 4:07 pm

   OK, I’m going to throw out a colossal pretty please with a weeks harvest of cherries on top to share with us a photo from your regretable goth stage.

   And I think most guys go with the you just know method. Which is weird because we seem less eager to strap on the ol’ ball and chain than you ladies. I guess if our natures were switched, human kind would cease to reproduce due to a complete collapse of all relationships. Sort of like yin and yang, but deadlier.

10. angela on February 22nd, 2007 4:09 pm

    I go into things with my eyes wide open. I wouldn’t do it any other way.

11. Jennifer on February 22nd, 2007 4:11 pm

    I also had a “trial marriage” at age 20-21. (no kids, no property, no regrets.) I waited until age 34 to take the leap again, and this time it appears permanent. You’re right, you can’t see the future, it is a gamble. You can do what you can to make the gamble pay off, but you really don’t know. For Billy (who I’m wondering if it might be JB’s brother), does he just not want marriage, or does he doubt that this girlfriend is “the one?” If that’s the case, here’s a little quote that has helped me in my relationship: “rather than trying to find the perfect mate, the bigger payoff comes in trying to be the perfect mate.”

12. sooboo on February 22nd, 2007 4:14 pm

    I’m with you on the babysteps down the steep, slippery hill. Road rash (or hiking trail rash) doesn’t look good on anyone.

13. oregoncoastgirl on February 22nd, 2007 4:16 pm

    Well put. And you don’t say!

14. Michelle on February 22nd, 2007 4:25 pm

    Until I met my husband, I always dated an ‘ideal’ not a person. What I mean is, the men I dated represented what I ‘thought I ‘wanted,’ i.e., success, lots of money…the jaguar in the garage, etc. While these guys presented all the goodies–I dated only doctors and attorneys–I got to go on groovy trips and buying binges–they always broke my heart in the end. I met my husband…and I knew immediately that THIS was it. He cared about ME. He listened without attacking me (those high-powered types are adept at attacking. My husband sees me. We’ll probably never own a Jaguar, but I don’t mind. I have a guy who really loves me…and who I love madly.

15. Kristy on February 22nd, 2007 4:29 pm

    I am like you. I never just know. But I too was married before and got married again. I said I would never marry again but then I learned that the person you are when you say that is not the same person you are years later renewed and self forgiven. Sometimes we do the right thing and sometimes we don’t. Your friend..he may ask her and be blissfully happy. She may pressure him and make him crazy and he may dump her and regret it. He may dump her and find someone else and marry her within the year. Life is crazy like that. Sometimes you just can’t guess what will come of a situation except that you know it’s at the turning pont stage and something will soon give out. Right or wrong a decision unmade is still a decision to let life control you rather than you yourself taking the wheel.

    p.s. second marriages…..always better ….because we surely know what we didn’t want before we did it again.

16. Caitlin on February 22nd, 2007 4:35 pm

    Wow, Sundry, reading you through the years has been/is so delightful–just when I start thinking I somehow “know” this internet-person who entertains and moves me with her pithiness and naughty words and flashes of really lovely lyricism, you bust out with some new complexity–19 year-old marriage?! Damn!

    I really liked this entry.

17. Leah on February 22nd, 2007 4:38 pm

    Even though it’s sometimes best not to give advice, sometimes people need a little help from wise, objective second parties. It’s really hard to say all that you’ve said above when one is not outside the relationship but inside it, i.e., a girlfriend with an “agenda,” pure-intentioned though it may be. I’ll be forwarding this to you know who, so thanks.

18. Melissa on February 22nd, 2007 5:16 pm

    Great post! I’ve heard people say, “If you wait for the right time, or enough money, or feeling ’sure,’ you’d never have a child.” I think that’s true about most anything in life.

19. Joanne on February 22nd, 2007 5:55 pm

    You’re so nice to ‘censored!’ out Riley’s bottom. I always put my boy’s ass up there for the Internet to see. I draw the line at any full frontal though.

    I don’t know how I decided to get married or to have a baby, I guess the truth is, I didn’t. I just went with it. I am a pretty faithful person and I just figure it will work the way it’s supposed to. So far, so good.

20. rebecca on February 22nd, 2007 5:57 pm

    I felt the same way you did about having a child. I knew I wanted to, someday, but didn’t ever arrive at a moment where I felt like “OK, I’m ready NOW.” It’s all about making a leap of faith, sometimes. And now? I wouldn’t have it any other way.

21. KT on February 22nd, 2007 6:09 pm

    This entry has really given me something to chew on. So many people are in the “you just know” camp, and I’m definitely not, so your perspective has been really enlightening to me. I’m so paranoid about making decision if I don’t “just know,” and it paralyzes me from ever making decisions. Thank you so much.

    (Reading about your experience in becoming pregnant and then giving birth to your amazing little man has really opened my eyes to parenthood, too. Your frankness has really made a big difference to me, and I thank you.)

22. Meg on February 22nd, 2007 6:20 pm

    This is one of my favorite entries of yours. Thanks for writing this. It pertains so much to what’s been going on in my head lately. Very cool to hear your take on things!

23. Swistle on February 22nd, 2007 6:29 pm

    I loved this post. So interesting. I’m the same as you about decisions: I’m never “when I know, I know,” and in fact I’d think, “Well, then, since I don’t know, it must not be the right decision to do this.” I make decisions by getting to the place where I’m willing to take a chance. Paul and I have been married 10 years this November, and I still don’t think of us as a sure thing. I think of us as “good–so far.”

    I think the nice thing about being a waffler/second-guesser is that you’re not as disillusioned and knocked-flat if things don’t work out. I think the “you just know”/”it’s fate” crowd get smacked on their asses when they “knew” and they were wrong. Misjudge those big leaps on loose rocks, and you pay big.

    Incidentally, my brother swore he wouldn’t get married until he was 30, and in fact he lost a couple of really great girlfriends who didn’t want to gamble on that. When he was late-29 he proposed to his girlfriend, and when he was late-30 they got married.

24. filakia on February 22nd, 2007 6:30 pm

    Thank you for this entry. I remember when you wrote about your doubts about becoming a parent, and I completely identified with that. Reading about your present joys with Riley has made me think that just because I do not feel Ready does not mean that I will not be a good and happy mother, should I become one someday.

    I completely understand how you feel, with the second-guessing and doubt, because I feel the same way. About all the same things you mentioned, including climbing down steep hills! (mountains?) I do the same thing. Exactly.

    It was scary yet freeing day, the day that I woke up and realized that, contrary to my youthful expectations, I would never wake up some morning and just Know. What I wanted in life; who I wanted to be with; who I really was; what I should REALLY do with my hair. I lack that inner sense of assurance and certainty, too, and once I realized I would never magically acquire it, I was able to open myself to taking that leap of faith; jumping in with my nose plugged, as you put it.

    It’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only one navigating and negotiating the uncertainties of life in this way.

25. Marie on February 22nd, 2007 7:08 pm

    I loved this entry as well. I, like you, am never sure. I never “just know,” though I wish I did. For me it tends to be because I fear change pretty much above all else. Even changes for the better scare me. That is the reason that I didn’t start trying to have kids until I was 34. Just wasn’t sure if I was ready, if I had enough money, if I had enough room. I finally had to force myself to “jump in” because the perfect time might never come (biological clock and all). Still trying to get pregnant after a year and a half, getting ready to start fertility treatments. Hard to not regret my cautious ways…

26. Amen. » melle.ca on February 22nd, 2007 7:09 pm

    [...] The gamble and the guess [...]

27. Mrs. Breedorf on February 22nd, 2007 7:09 pm

    Hooray for hardwood floors. I never take the gamble of a nekkid baby on carpet.

28. Liz in Australia on February 22nd, 2007 7:36 pm

    I’m also someone who believes “you’ll just know”. I can still remember the precise instant that I fell in love with my now-husband and realised that he was The One *g*

    That photo made me laugh. Nekkid baby butts are just the funniest thing, which is fortunate cause our toddler is toilet training and it’s still summer here, so I see a lot of hers!

29. Ang on February 22nd, 2007 7:55 pm

    How do you really “just know”?

    I guess maybe I’m of an inbetweener school. I try to go by what my heart tells me, but I also try to “think things through.” I was married and had children before meeting my current husband. The first time around, I had doubts, but I loved the man and wanted to be married to him. That didn’t work out so much. This time, I saw an obstacle or two, but I love the man and wanted to be married to him. I think the difference is that this time, I am older and wiser….and I made a better choice (probably because I am older and wiser). We are talking baby now, too…and I find myself with all kinds of doubts and worry — mostly about finances, but my heart. . . it says procreate!

    I think I’ll go with that.

30. Jenny on February 22nd, 2007 8:08 pm

    It sounds like you do have some sort of faith. Taking a gamble and hoping it all pans out, well that’s kind of like taking a chance that hopefully the bigger picture will appear. I think some people want to trust their gut so that they feel like they can rely on themselves for all the answers, but some doubts and worrying are a little necessary! I just found out I’m pregnant with my second child, my first is only 15 months old, but it’s no surprise. We were trying. I find that I’m much more scared and apprehensive this time around. I think because I have more realistic expectations this time, I know that babies are not all rainbows and sunshine, but obviously wonderful enough to get on the ride for a second time.

31. Lori on February 22nd, 2007 8:37 pm

    Beautiful! You’re a wise, wise woman.

32. kimblahg on February 22nd, 2007 9:23 pm

    That picture should be the new Swiffer Advertisement.

33. Kate on February 22nd, 2007 9:53 pm

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am so tired of everyone telling me that I’ll “just know.” Because no one ever seems to acknowledge that sometimes, you just might not.

34. Melanie on February 22nd, 2007 10:12 pm

    “I wasn’t 100% positive in my decision, I didn’t just know that it was the right time, the truth is that I was willing to take a gamble.”

35. jonniker on February 22nd, 2007 10:51 pm

    I loved this entry, too, and will say that I was actually staunchly against marriage, and by “marriage” I meant my own, as in, the one that was impending in something like two weeks or so. I freaked out and almost called it off because I didn’t “know” for sure, and woke up in the night in a cold sweat and finally, one day, I told him it was over. He said no, told me I was nuts, and while he’d be happy to divorce me the Monday after our wedding, he paid for the damn thing, our friends and family were there, and we were getting married. So we got married.

    Damn. Best thing I ever did, and four years later, I have no regrets, other than the ones that involve me trying to call it off.

    My point is this: you never really do know, do you? I mean, it’s all a gamble, and as you said, sometimes you’re lucky enough to have played your hand right, however accidentally.

36. Schnozz on February 23rd, 2007 12:05 am

    I adore your honesty, as usual. And I agree with you completely. Considering how publicly and ardently I profess my love for my husband, I think that people are often surprised to discover that I have no idea whether this is going to work out. But things change, life changes, and all you can do is hope for the best. So far, I’m like you–delighted to discover that I can do this, and I love doing this, and this is what I want. But I don’t kid myself that my future is guaranteed or even something I’ll recognize in ten years, and it’s refreshing to hear someone else say it for a change.

    The same thing applies to my childbearing decisions, though it’s kind of the opposite. I decided NOT to have children, but I was still holding my nose and leaping on the day we finalized (and cauterized!) that particular piece of biology, believe you me. Some decisions are just a bitch. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

37. Gentry on February 23rd, 2007 1:53 am

    What a touching entry. I feel like it was written directly to me.

    Also, I say three cheers for Starter Marriages. And please post regrettable goth photos.

    xoxo

38. Emily on February 23rd, 2007 2:53 am

    Fantastic entry as always, Linda. I have to tell you that some of the things you told me a while back about your first marriage really helped me become confident enough to do something about my crazy marital situation instead of just “waiting it out.” It’s odd, because I am usually the one who just jumps headfirst into most major life changes (like getting married so young in the first place or, say, joining the Army) without too much thought or deliberation, but with the feeling of “hey, why not?” However, I don’t think you should underestimate faith, and this is why:

    I ultimately talked myself into making the decision to leave him — and then actually left — and the subsequent events led me to wonder why I waited so long in the first place … partially because it helped me realize that I was stronger than I thought, but also because it caused the changes in my husband that I had been trying fruitlessly to bring about for years. But it the end, both of my decisions — to begin a marriage and to end it — turned out to be right. They both came from completely different methods, but then kind of met each other in the middle in a way that makes me think, “Did I even have any control over this in the first place?” It was disconcerting, to say the least, but now it gives me a sort of warm, fuzzy feeling, like a reassurance that no matter what I had done, things would have turned out the right way in time.

    It’s late, and I’m full of pain pills from getting my wisdom teeth yanked, so I hope this long comment makes as much sense to you as it does in my head. But like I said a minute ago, don’t underestimate faith (even if it’s not faith in God, it could be just in how things generally seem to fall together exactly the way they’re supposed to in the universe as a whole), and don’t underestimate yourself, and never have any regrets (although I don’t know if you do or not in the first place) because they are a waste of energy.

    Great photo of Riley, by the way — he looks like a man on a mission!

39. Niki P. on February 23rd, 2007 5:21 am

    Thanks for this entry. I know that after I left my husband I didn’t look back or waffle or think twice. I had so much unsureness when we got married- no one told me not to- and no one told me not to leave. I just did it and I don’t regret it. I still don’t know whats right most of the time- I tend to be indecisive, I have a hard time picking out my clothes in the morning (!!!) but leaving was the best thing I did for ME. I don’t consider it a starter marriatge- it was 12 yrs, not all bad, not all good- just blah.
    Anyway, thanks for this entry.

40. squandra on February 23rd, 2007 6:31 am

    Thank you.

    I’m awfully happy with my job, my home, and the man I share that home with. I wouldn’t have any of it if I’d kept waiting to “Just Know.”

41. HollowSquirrel on February 23rd, 2007 6:52 am

    You rock.

42. Sadie on February 23rd, 2007 7:25 am

    OMG, thank you for your admission about your ’starter marriage.’ I also got married at a young age (23) and was divorced inside of 2 years later. I am a very confident, self-assured person when it comes to decision-making, like JB, it sounds – and the failure of my marriage (my fault, mostly) really rocked me. Now, four years later, I am still a little embarrassed and also unsure I will ever marry again. Disillusioned, I guess. So I am always glad to read that it’s still possible to have that life I thought I would have already. It’s just hard when I look around at all my friends, the ’smug marrieds,’ who are starting their families…and I am nowhere near that life anymore.

43. Em on February 23rd, 2007 7:37 am

    Beautiful post! I am often amazed at how different we humans approach different issues, questions, topics.

    I also am amazed at how many people do it totally ass-backwards from me, and I usually try to point out the error of their way, but that’s for another day.

    Looks like your gambling has paid off so far!

44. Cavu on February 23rd, 2007 7:46 am

    Excellent post. I’m 30 and unmarried, and when my family gets all “You’re getting left on the shelf!” I tell them I’ve decided to skip my first marriage and go straight to my second. I think having the “I know it’s a risk, but one I’m willing to take because it’s worth it” IS the same thing, in a way, as “just knowing.” It’s the gut feeling that making this move is worth it, and what happens next is unknowable.

45. Becky on February 23rd, 2007 7:49 am

    Again, you have hit the nail on the head….it truly feels like that post was written to me.

    Thank you for being so open and honest…and most of all for letting lil’ ole me share a part of your life!

    p.s. love the picture of Riley

46. wealhtheow on February 23rd, 2007 8:04 am

    My husband and I knew within a week that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and that was ten years ago. The decision to have a baby? That’s been a lot harder. We keep saying that if we just wait a little, everything will work out better. But you know what? If we wait for the perfect time, we’ll never do it. So we’re just keeping the faith that we’re not making the biggest mistake of our lives.

47. laura on February 23rd, 2007 8:18 am

    When you’re really really REALLY lucky, you have naked babies swiffering up the dog hair off your hardwood floors.

48. McWriter on February 23rd, 2007 8:24 am

    Everyone has a gut. Some people are just better at listening to it than others. That comes with age, practice and the confidence you gain with the few lucky times your well thought-out decisions have rendered favorable outcomes.

    For me, it’s the process of decision-making that’s the real teacher. I prefer to put my faith in the pros & cons lists, Steel-Magnolias-style tear fests, “what would you do?” conversations with trusted and more experienced friends and family members, and my evenutal, “What the hell – Could be fun!” resolutions.

    Every decision you make – big or small – becomes a part of who you are. If you think you’re pretty cool as is, and you simply travel on the path your gut sends you, how could you ever go wrong?

49. michelle on February 23rd, 2007 8:38 am

    i just read your blog for the first time yesterday, and really enjoyed it. what you just described above is almost a mirror image of me and my S.O. it’s just good to know that i’m not the only one with the affliction you describe above. but faith, blind faith, is such a wonderful thing… it’s the best teacher in the world. i never know what’s about to tag me once i leave home base, and i may not be certain that it’s the smartest thing to do, but f*ck it, it is just a game right?

    oh, i love the internets… you can find inspiration served up daily! :-)

50. dorrie on February 23rd, 2007 9:11 am

    It’s hard, isn’t it? I am turning 40 in a few weeks and I have been looking back at choices made and not made and trying to figure some stuff out. My kids are 13 and almost 12…22months apart. I remember making the choice to have another baby when my daughter was 12 months old; I was in the trenches anyway, I had a great pregnancy the first time, why not? People thought I was crazy. Everything turned out fine. That’s the problem with me, I think, sometimes. Everything turns out okay but I am always, always wondering…how could it have been better? When it comes to my kids, it can’t, but there are a hell of a lot of things about my life besides them. No answers here, alas.

51. Mandy on February 23rd, 2007 9:12 am

    I’m amazed that women still wait around for their boyfriends to “pop the question.” If she’s so sure she’s ready, why doesn’t she ask him to marry her and force him to make that leap of faith (or not).

52. kendra! on February 23rd, 2007 9:17 am

    If you ever write a book – which I hope you do (I’ll totally sit in the back at your reading and laugh SUPER loud) and soon – I think that this entry should be the preface to your book on life and love and marriage and really sensational ways of capturing your family on film. Such an important and honest take on the Great Gamble that is Life Partnership, and parenthood, I am sure.

    In my experience, when the hublovely and I were originally talking about marriage, people kept telling me, “Just imagine your life WITHOUT him, then you’ll know.” That was perhaps the most ill-fitting counsel for me to try on for size. I had lived without John for 19 years before I met him. And I was okay. And my life was certainly enriched by him, but I was not codependent. If he decided to move to Zambia, tomorrow, I’d move on, I thought. Then, I thought about attending his wedding, where I was not the bride. And that thought just served to conk me right on the head. I would simply not let this lad get away!

    I did pray about the decision and through the vast catalogue of dysfunction that my family has offered me in this life, I have had to learn to pray and very hard. There is never a moment of absolute certainty. There is only enough tension to push us either against or toward the many forces, and thankfully, through my faith I think that I have learned to test that tension’s limits just enough that I don’t hurt myself or anyone else too badly as I fumble through the decisions as a faulty human bean.

    Blessings as you solicit the Stork for a second go-’round.

53. katie on February 23rd, 2007 9:18 am

    i’m totally writing a blog about getting engaged and the subsequent feelings ih ave had in the last two months. i think you have had some really interesting points. although i do feel like i know that w is the person that i want to be with,that i’m done dating, that he fulfills me in a way no one else has, i also think it’s gamble. it’s both. and that’s ok.
    but the best part about your post is that it’s so honest. like your baby-rearing stories. i’m readin ga book right now called “what no one tells the bride” and it has these things in it… everyone just expects that if you’re married (or having babies) that everything is blissful and free of doubt. i’m a nervous nellie and always worrying… that makes me a second-guesser a lot too. and i find when i go with my gut, i’m usually right, but that doens’t mean that sometimes when i take a jump on teh rocks, i slide and fall.

54. Shannon on February 23rd, 2007 9:26 am

    My daughter loves the swiffer, too. My husband took out one of the sections to make a toddler sized swiffer. It means I NEVER use it, but heck, it is a good excuse to not clean.

55. Katie (The Yap) on February 23rd, 2007 9:31 am

    I was so glad to read this because I thought I was the only freak in the world who never had that “I’ve always wanted to have kids” mushy mushy feeling. I had to make an intellectual decision to do it. I never had the “feeling.” I think the waffling/second guessing is a sign of intelligence. At least, that’s what I like to tell myself!

56. Annie on February 23rd, 2007 10:25 am

    Okay, that picture with his censored hiney made my whole day.

57. Rayshell on February 23rd, 2007 10:53 am

    SWEET! He mops! You must let me in how you trained the boy at such a young age! totally cute picture! Have a great weekend!

58. Yams on February 23rd, 2007 11:06 am

    I’m from India the land of arranged marriages and low, very low divorce rates. I didn’t have an arranged marriage but most of my friends did and are very happy today. In India they say love comes after marriage. I know it’s a strange concept in the western world but we folks in the East may have got this one right. And if things don’t work out we can always blame the parents!

    I’d highly recommend a movie called Monsoon Wedding if you want to see how the whole arranged marriage thing goes.

59. Anne Glamore on February 23rd, 2007 11:58 am

    I’m one who does without really knowing, but MY GOD have I been lucky with the husband and the 3 boys.

60. H on February 23rd, 2007 12:28 pm

    We didn’t have Swiffers when my kids were young, but my nephews (ages 5 and 2) both love to use one. Who would’ve guessed kids would love them so much!

    I over think everything. I drive people crazy. But, for the really big decisions, like getting married or having kids, I know I’ll never make the decision if I analyze my options for too long, so I have to take the leap and not look back. I’ll also dwell on some past decisions (did we buy the right sofa?) but never the big ones, because I know I’ll go crazy. Nothing’s perfect, right? Sometimes you have to take a chance and then never look back.

61. Silly Cake on February 23rd, 2007 12:29 pm

    Thanks for this entry. It put some things into perspective for me.

62. Silly Cake on February 23rd, 2007 12:37 pm

    P.S. What an adorable photo of Riley! ^__^

63. Kurt on February 23rd, 2007 12:49 pm

    Nicely put. Good view on taking risks versus playing it safe.

64. Cartwheels At Midnight on February 23rd, 2007 1:17 pm

    Great post today! (Especially since I recently failed at my 2nd attempt at marriage. My first was at 20. Divorce within 2 years. No surprise there.)

    This post further convinces me we should be BFF. :)

65. jen on February 23rd, 2007 1:39 pm

    hehe i love the photo!

    its amazing how much you have done/seen/experienced in life. every few months something comes out that i would never expect. not that its a bad thing because to be honest i kind of look at you as a role model. i mean im 24, 25 next week *gasp*, ive been with my bf 4.5 years, we aren’t engaged but i know that commitment is there, i know i want kids, i want to finish my undergrad (working towards it at the moment) and teach making crapola for cash the rest of my life and hopefully moving the hell out of nyc. i know life doesn’t always pan out the way we think it will but you seem to be such an incredible person, wife and mom. you give me comfort in thinking about the future and how good it can turn out! :)

66. fellowmom on February 23rd, 2007 2:16 pm

    In regard to Billy, my advice is pretty common in terms of the decision to marry: make sure you generally agree in your approach to finances and children. As for children don’t just think about whether you both want to have them, but to some extent, explore whether you are on the same page in your views on parenting. I know many successful marriages in which that was not considered beforehand. But, of my friends who are divorced or who have left long-term partnerships (and there are quite a few), it’s usually not caused by infidelity. Rather, the relationship gets worn away from the friction caused by an absence of shared priorities/perspectives.

    One other bit of advice: since you can never know what life will throw at you (health problems, financial downturns, etc.) make sure you pick someone you’d want to be with when the chips are down. Kindness, patience, optimism and perseverance may not cause a spark to ignite, but they cannot be undervalued in the long run.

    If I think about something long enough, I will eventually stop waffling. That’s when I know I’m really ready to commit to a change. But, that’s just me. If you couldn’t already tell, I tend to be a bit analytical.

    Sundry, it seems like you deserve the happiness in your life. I do think there’s something to be said for karma.

67. Emblita on February 23rd, 2007 5:04 pm

    wonderful entry. I wrote an entire entry myself inspired by this one. It boils down to this; I’ve done both, thought carefully and because its just right. But it doesn’t mean that these decisions didn’t scare me shitless. But my gut has a pretty good trackrecord so I’ve learned to listen to it… even when its telling me to do something that seems like it could chrash and burn.
    In short… I’d rather take the chance than not take it and play the woulda’ coulda’ shoulda’ game (I don’t mean take a chance as in ’should I jump out of an airplane with an iffy parachute’ I mean those life decisions… obviously). I’d rather regret doing something, than regret not doing something :P

68. Nik on February 23rd, 2007 5:21 pm

    I remember you writing about the scree slide, and I do not remember JB waiting patiently at the bottom. Something quite the opposite, in fact, that ended in tears. It makes my right foot itch because I wanted to come thru the monitor and kick his ass that day. I think, over time, you learned to gamble while JB eventually learned (some(?)) patience.

    Or I could be smoking the crack rock. Sometimes I forget where I laid my pipe.

69. Anna on February 23rd, 2007 8:22 pm

    I’m another worrier, married to a “you just know”. It’s a constant source of amazement to me that he can just leap into decisions based on gut instinct without constant second-guessing, research, pie-charts, etc. Choosing to have a baby was really hard for me, and I waited a long time, but having made that leap has given me confidence with other decisions in my life, including having another baby. I think people like us can gain, not so much the optimism of the leapers, but the confidence to know we can handle whatever results from our decisions.

    Still, I wonder what it would be like to jump down those hills?

70. Donna on February 23rd, 2007 9:30 pm

    What a great entry you posted and what a lot of thoughtful, and thought-provoking, comments it provoked. I think I need to come back to these comments on those days when I’m having one of my can’t-make-a-decision-to-save-my-life days. . . there’s some good stuff here.

71. LeAnne on February 25th, 2007 6:10 pm

    Um, what is it with toddlers and the swiffer. I can’t even wipe my floors down out without mine going ape-shit crazy over it. Cute picture!

72. Lefty on February 26th, 2007 1:18 pm

    Great post, especially because my son is named Riley.

    I echo the thoughts of many others here: you can’t ever REALLY know. There is no right answer. We just do the best we can with what we know and feel at the time.

    Life is complicated.

73. Omu on February 27th, 2007 8:50 am

    My ultimate relationship test: If nothing ever changed and everything stayed exactly like it is, would you be happy with this relationship for the rest of your life?

    That little gem got me to break off four engagements before the age of 28 and dodge some other guys who wanted to propose but never got the chance. Now I’ve got my guy, and we’re doing okay for the most part.

    As for decision making, I’d much rather be a spectacular failure and know that I at least tried (for whatever I’m after) than know that I was too scared to try. That attitude has served me well – and more often than not I get what I’m after.

    I think I’ve been inspired though – I watched my dad slowly decline physically with multiple sclerosis while I was a teenager. I learned that tomorrow you might not have the opportunity to do that thing you’ve been putting off. He passed away unexpectedly in September from cancer that they missed diagnosing until June, and that reaffirmed again that you really can’t put things off. Life is too short, and our time is too precious.

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