It’s hard, isn’t it? I am turning 40 in a few weeks and I have been looking back at choices made and not made and trying to figure some stuff out. My kids are 13 and almost 12…22months apart. I remember making the choice to have another baby when my daughter was 12 months old; I was in the trenches anyway, I had a great pregnancy the first time, why not? People thought I was crazy. Everything turned out fine. That’s the problem with me, I think, sometimes. Everything turns out okay but I am always, always wondering…how could it have been better? When it comes to my kids, it can’t, but there are a hell of a lot of things about my life besides them. No answers here, alas.

I’m amazed that women still wait around for their boyfriends to “pop the question.” If she’s so sure she’s ready, why doesn’t she ask him to marry her and force him to make that leap of faith (or not).

If you ever write a book – which I hope you do (I’ll totally sit in the back at your reading and laugh SUPER loud) and soon – I think that this entry should be the preface to your book on life and love and marriage and really sensational ways of capturing your family on film. Such an important and honest take on the Great Gamble that is Life Partnership, and parenthood, I am sure.

In my experience, when the hublovely and I were originally talking about marriage, people kept telling me, “Just imagine your life WITHOUT him, then you’ll know.” That was perhaps the most ill-fitting counsel for me to try on for size. I had lived without John for 19 years before I met him. And I was okay. And my life was certainly enriched by him, but I was not codependent. If he decided to move to Zambia, tomorrow, I’d move on, I thought. Then, I thought about attending his wedding, where I was not the bride. And that thought just served to conk me right on the head. I would simply not let this lad get away!

I did pray about the decision and through the vast catalogue of dysfunction that my family has offered me in this life, I have had to learn to pray and very hard. There is never a moment of absolute certainty. There is only enough tension to push us either against or toward the many forces, and thankfully, through my faith I think that I have learned to test that tension’s limits just enough that I don’t hurt myself or anyone else too badly as I fumble through the decisions as a faulty human bean.

Blessings as you solicit the Stork for a second go-’round.

i’m totally writing a blog about getting engaged and the subsequent feelings ih ave had in the last two months. i think you have had some really interesting points. although i do feel like i know that w is the person that i want to be with,that i’m done dating, that he fulfills me in a way no one else has, i also think it’s gamble. it’s both. and that’s ok.
but the best part about your post is that it’s so honest. like your baby-rearing stories. i’m readin ga book right now called “what no one tells the bride” and it has these things in it… everyone just expects that if you’re married (or having babies) that everything is blissful and free of doubt. i’m a nervous nellie and always worrying… that makes me a second-guesser a lot too. and i find when i go with my gut, i’m usually right, but that doens’t mean that sometimes when i take a jump on teh rocks, i slide and fall.

My daughter loves the swiffer, too. My husband took out one of the sections to make a toddler sized swiffer. It means I NEVER use it, but heck, it is a good excuse to not clean.

I was so glad to read this because I thought I was the only freak in the world who never had that “I’ve always wanted to have kids” mushy mushy feeling. I had to make an intellectual decision to do it. I never had the “feeling.” I think the waffling/second guessing is a sign of intelligence. At least, that’s what I like to tell myself!

Okay, that picture with his censored hiney made my whole day.

SWEET! He mops! You must let me in how you trained the boy at such a young age! totally cute picture! Have a great weekend!

I’m from India the land of arranged marriages and low, very low divorce rates. I didn’t have an arranged marriage but most of my friends did and are very happy today. In India they say love comes after marriage. I know it’s a strange concept in the western world but we folks in the East may have got this one right. And if things don’t work out we can always blame the parents!

I’d highly recommend a movie called Monsoon Wedding if you want to see how the whole arranged marriage thing goes.

I’m one who does without really knowing, but MY GOD have I been lucky with the husband and the 3 boys.

We didn’t have Swiffers when my kids were young, but my nephews (ages 5 and 2) both love to use one. Who would’ve guessed kids would love them so much!

I over think everything. I drive people crazy. But, for the really big decisions, like getting married or having kids, I know I’ll never make the decision if I analyze my options for too long, so I have to take the leap and not look back. I’ll also dwell on some past decisions (did we buy the right sofa?) but never the big ones, because I know I’ll go crazy. Nothing’s perfect, right? Sometimes you have to take a chance and then never look back.

Thanks for this entry. It put some things into perspective for me.

P.S. What an adorable photo of Riley! ^__^

Nicely put. Good view on taking risks versus playing it safe.

Great post today! (Especially since I recently failed at my 2nd attempt at marriage. My first was at 20. Divorce within 2 years. No surprise there.)

This post further convinces me we should be BFF. :)

hehe i love the photo!

its amazing how much you have done/seen/experienced in life. every few months something comes out that i would never expect. not that its a bad thing because to be honest i kind of look at you as a role model. i mean im 24, 25 next week *gasp*, ive been with my bf 4.5 years, we aren’t engaged but i know that commitment is there, i know i want kids, i want to finish my undergrad (working towards it at the moment) and teach making crapola for cash the rest of my life and hopefully moving the hell out of nyc. i know life doesn’t always pan out the way we think it will but you seem to be such an incredible person, wife and mom. you give me comfort in thinking about the future and how good it can turn out! :)

In regard to Billy, my advice is pretty common in terms of the decision to marry: make sure you generally agree in your approach to finances and children. As for children don’t just think about whether you both want to have them, but to some extent, explore whether you are on the same page in your views on parenting. I know many successful marriages in which that was not considered beforehand. But, of my friends who are divorced or who have left long-term partnerships (and there are quite a few), it’s usually not caused by infidelity. Rather, the relationship gets worn away from the friction caused by an absence of shared priorities/perspectives.

One other bit of advice: since you can never know what life will throw at you (health problems, financial downturns, etc.) make sure you pick someone you’d want to be with when the chips are down. Kindness, patience, optimism and perseverance may not cause a spark to ignite, but they cannot be undervalued in the long run.

If I think about something long enough, I will eventually stop waffling. That’s when I know I’m really ready to commit to a change. But, that’s just me. If you couldn’t already tell, I tend to be a bit analytical.

Sundry, it seems like you deserve the happiness in your life. I do think there’s something to be said for karma.

wonderful entry. I wrote an entire entry myself inspired by this one. It boils down to this; I’ve done both, thought carefully and because its just right. But it doesn’t mean that these decisions didn’t scare me shitless. But my gut has a pretty good trackrecord so I’ve learned to listen to it… even when its telling me to do something that seems like it could chrash and burn.
In short… I’d rather take the chance than not take it and play the woulda’ coulda’ shoulda’ game (I don’t mean take a chance as in ‘should I jump out of an airplane with an iffy parachute’ I mean those life decisions… obviously). I’d rather regret doing something, than regret not doing something :P

I remember you writing about the scree slide, and I do not remember JB waiting patiently at the bottom. Something quite the opposite, in fact, that ended in tears. It makes my right foot itch because I wanted to come thru the monitor and kick his ass that day. I think, over time, you learned to gamble while JB eventually learned (some(?)) patience.

Or I could be smoking the crack rock. Sometimes I forget where I laid my pipe.

I’m another worrier, married to a “you just know”. It’s a constant source of amazement to me that he can just leap into decisions based on gut instinct without constant second-guessing, research, pie-charts, etc. Choosing to have a baby was really hard for me, and I waited a long time, but having made that leap has given me confidence with other decisions in my life, including having another baby. I think people like us can gain, not so much the optimism of the leapers, but the confidence to know we can handle whatever results from our decisions.

Still, I wonder what it would be like to jump down those hills?

What a great entry you posted and what a lot of thoughtful, and thought-provoking, comments it provoked. I think I need to come back to these comments on those days when I’m having one of my can’t-make-a-decision-to-save-my-life days. . . there’s some good stuff here.

Um, what is it with toddlers and the swiffer. I can’t even wipe my floors down out without mine going ape-shit crazy over it. Cute picture!

Great post, especially because my son is named Riley.

I echo the thoughts of many others here: you can’t ever REALLY know. There is no right answer. We just do the best we can with what we know and feel at the time.

Life is complicated.

My ultimate relationship test: If nothing ever changed and everything stayed exactly like it is, would you be happy with this relationship for the rest of your life?

That little gem got me to break off four engagements before the age of 28 and dodge some other guys who wanted to propose but never got the chance. Now I’ve got my guy, and we’re doing okay for the most part.

As for decision making, I’d much rather be a spectacular failure and know that I at least tried (for whatever I’m after) than know that I was too scared to try. That attitude has served me well – and more often than not I get what I’m after.

I think I’ve been inspired though – I watched my dad slowly decline physically with multiple sclerosis while I was a teenager. I learned that tomorrow you might not have the opportunity to do that thing you’ve been putting off. He passed away unexpectedly in September from cancer that they missed diagnosing until June, and that reaffirmed again that you really can’t put things off. Life is too short, and our time is too precious.

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