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Dec
18
Yesterday when I got home from work JB held Riley up to the window so he could see me as I got out of my car. I waved, and I could hear Riley’s excited squeals—”Mommy! Mommy!”—but when I came inside he clung to his father’s leg, begging to be picked up.
“Give Mommy a hug,” JB said, and Riley shouted Nooo, Noooo, want Daddy, want Daddy, Daddy up, Daddy UP, and as I approached my son he ran from me, crying and wailing and shouting NO, WANT DADDY.
Oh, a thousand knives in my heart. A million.
Riley has always shown a preference for JB, and I guess I’ve gotten used to it as much as a lesser-wanted parent can be expected to. In the last few weeks, though, things have been—well, what? What’s the word for it? Things have been weird, things have been sad. My boy has been clinging to his father and rejecting me on a daily basis, and it hurts so badly I can barely think about it without tears coming to my eyes.
There are big, painful moments, like yesterday’s refusal to allow me to touch him or approach him, or the never-to-be-forgotten horrible meltdown at the Christmas tree farm where I dared to hold him while JB put the tree in the back of the truck, and there are countless small moments that cut into me over and over and over: the way he instantly asks for his father when it’s my morning to get him up, but when it’s JB’s morning he never asks for me once; the way he climbs into his father’s arms at a moment’s notice but often has to be coerced into mine; the way he will hand a toy to his father but refuse to let me touch it; the way he curls against JB’s body in a way he never does with me; the way he follows JB all over the house, begging for “up, up!” until I think I’m going to scream.
I know my boy loves me, and when we’re alone together everything is usually fine—although I doubt he asks about Mommy when he’s with JB as often as he asks about Daddy (”Daddy working?”) when he’s with me. I also know how blessed and lucky we are that his father is here and present and that he has such a strong bond with JB.
But. I just don’t understand why things are so off balance. JB and I share parenting duties fairly equally, we both dole out discipline when it’s necessary, we both do baths and diapers and bedtime stories. I don’t think there’s anything I could be doing to improve the situation, and yet every time Riley rejects me it feels like I am failing in the most critical of arenas, it feels like I am the most colossal fuckup on this planet and that I am doing every single thing wrong.
It makes me feel ugly, unwanted and unneeded. It hurts me in a way that is deeper and more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced: it’s like being fired, and broken up with, and grudgingly accepted last in the schoolyard pick, all at the same time, over and over.
I find myself thinking despondent, sorry-for-me thoughts: why can’t you love me as much, oh god what is wrong with me?; I find myself thinking immature, angry thoughts: I have given up everything for you; I find myself thinking the kinds of thoughts that are hard to confess to: You don’t want to be around me? Fine. You know what, I don’t really want to be around you either. In fact, I’d rather be reading a good book, or going to a movie, or a doing any fucking number of things other than sitting here trying to play Legos and hearing you whine for Daddy.
Sometimes, after we’ve had a particularly Challenging Moment, and my face is full of pain and I can’t smile, he looks at me and say, “Be happy, Mommy”. I don’t know what to think about this. Does he know it hurts me when he rejects me in favor of JB? Does it matter?
I’m so afraid that things will get worse with a new baby in the house, that he’ll cling to JB even more, that the scales will never, ever shift in my favor and our relationship will always be one of second-best. I’m afraid of the exact same scenario happening with my second boy. I’m tired of feeling sad and resentful.
Things are not always bad. Things are very often good. We play together, we read books, he randomly chases me and grabs my pantleg and yells “I GOT DA LEG!”, he shows me he loves me too. This is not an every-moment-of-the-day problem. And maybe there are some easy explanations: I’m cumbrously pregnant and I can’t roughhouse the way his dad does, I’ve been sick and not feeling like myself, I stay home with him part time so maybe I am taken for granted a bit.
I just wish it wasn’t like this. And I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it.
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91 Responses to “Unrequited”
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I don’t know if there is anything I can say to this, or that anybody can say, that will really make it better. But I do want to say that I exhibited an equally strong preference for my father until about age three or four, and I barely remember it now, and it didn’t last forever, and it hasn’t had a lasting impact on my relationship with either of my parents. I hope and believe it will be the same with you and Riley.
My daughter did the same thing at Riley’s age…only it was opposite…my husband was the odd man out. She is 4 1/2 now and adores her Daddy-she often prefers him to me! And-go figure- our second is a “Daddy’s Girl” at age 18 months (No, Mama!-I hear often).
I think children favor different parents at different times in their lives. It will all balance out in time.
Riley loves you, but he is a little guy. As a little guy, he is completely unaware of how other people are reacting to his actions. That’s not a fault of yours or his, just how he naturally develops. Trust me, you are a great mom, and he will always love you.
Linda, it must be so hard for you to be rejected like that! I like the way you write about it, so poignant and meaningful. I don’t have any wisdom to share since our baby is still in utero and thus obviously prefers me, being the Source of All. But I wanted to chime in and thank you for writing this, and tell you that I do believe it will get better! Hang in there!
I have the opposite situation. My toddler screams, “No, Daddy, no! Mommy do!”, & I know it makes Dad a little sad, but we know one day V won’t want to play with his terribly uncoordinated Mommy, & Daddy will be the playing go-to-guy.
My Mom was a stay-at-home & I definitely took her for granted while I was growing up. My preference flip-flopped. This, too, shall pass. Hang in there. I know how hard it is to do with knives in your heart!
I have heard you talk about this before. I am so sorry. Especially since you are pregnant and the emotions are running even higher. I wish I had some advice, but I don’t. Just a big internet hug.
Just know you are not alone. My first son does exactly this and it is like a zillion knives going thru my heart. My second son, on the other hand, only wants me and is the happiest, smiling baby ever. (son #1 was not!)
I wish I had an answer for you–hang in there!
oh, this breaks my heart…because even if Riley’s preference for JB is fleeting, or not as lopsided as it feels - it still crushes you.
Here is a thought, maybe valid, maybe gibberish; have you ever expressed to Riley that it hurts your feelings when he rejects you? In a simple, toddler-understood way, like looking sad and saying “you hurt Mommy’s feelings,” and walking away to sit by yourself? If nothing else, this could be the beginnings of teaching him sensitivity or empathy. Granted, I don’t have a two-year-old, so this could be totally age-inappropriate advice…but I have played the “boo hoo, you hurt my feelings” card on many a toddler who gave me the stiff-arm, and sometimes I get a touching, concerned reaction.
I’m sorry, I can feel the painful lump in your throat through your writing. I hope this a passing phase.
It will get better and it has nothing to do with you. Both my boys prefered their daddy. Hell, I can’t even get my 2 year old down to bed. His daddy comes home to get him down for a nap and only daddy can put him to bed at night. He screams and cries for daddy at nighttime. Once Michael is in the room, Daniel passes right out.
Enjoy while you can because once the baby gets here, he won’t leave your side. You’ll be surprised how weirded out he’s going to act at first because you are “Riley’s Mommy!!”
My son went through a similar thing until he was about 2.5 to 3 years old–but it was my husband in your shoes. What you wrote could have been us with the roles reversed. It was draining for both of us–me for always being the only one my son wanted, and my husband for being rejected over and over. We both work full-time and share parenting duties 50/50, so there was no ready explanation for his behavior. Now at 3.5 he much more readily turns to my husband for comfort, and they play together even when I’m in the house. There have been times lately when I’ve gone to the doorway of the room they are in to see what they are doing and my son says, “Go away Mama!” This is a big deal for us! Now my son is much less likely to reject his dad’s attempts at affection unless he’s really tired and cranky, and he even prefers his dad at times. I don’t have any advice for you, except to say I think it’s just a developmental thing, which I would imagine isn’t much of a comfort to the rejected parent. Riley will grow out of it, as did my son, and your relationship will not suffer, but that doesn’t make it any easier in the meantime, I know.
I’m so sorry.
I was the same way (with the parents’ roles reversed) for a long time. Ironically, as close as I am to both my parents, my dad is the one I now rely on much more than my mom.
I don’t have any children, but I have friends with children and I do believe these are just phases that the kids go through. It doesn’t make it any less painful (I’m sending you huge hugs and good vibes), but I think he’ll grow out of it.
I’m sending prayers and hopes your way that the next baby prefers you… you know, to kind of even things out. I guess you can’t control which parent a child will prefer… but it is totally possible the next baby will be a mama’s boy.
I teared up reading this. My two year old has gone through phases like this, mostly in favor of me over his Daddy. We’ve had times when my husband wasn’t allowed to come near him or he’d scream “Mommy! Mommy!” and cling to me for dear life. This completely broke my husband’s heart. The last couple of months or so, however, our son has done an about face and is now playing favorites with Daddy. So who knows. Kids are fickle.
Hang in there. I’m betting it’s a combination of being taken for granted and perhaps not being as much fun as you used to before you got pregnant. No matter why, it still sucks, and I’m sorry.
Don’t know what to say. My boys tend to cling to me and my girl, her mom.
I just want to say in the most supportive way…Dude - that sucks. And I think I would feel the exact same way you do - how could you not? And I would be afraid (if I were you) that when the new baby comes I would somehow shower the new baby with all my attention because the attention is wanted and needed and never rejected. I only have one son so I can’t compare. It will be okay Linda - Riley loves and adores you - it is obvious in his sweet beautiful pictures. But it hurts. And that’s okay - kids hurt their parents. Just come commiserate with us. We get it. XOXOXO to you.
“it’s like being fired, and broken up with, and grudgingly accepted last in the schoolyard pick, all at the same time, over and over.”
Oh my. What a perfect explanation. (And, yes, I realize that compliments on your linguistic skills are probably, um, not comforting right now, but still….perfect.)
My step-daughter was very young (too young to remember her bio Mom)when her father and I started dating. But once she hit two, I was so Not. Good. Enough. And, oh, how it hurt. I thought all the things you’ve posted and worse. I wept because the man I loved had a daughter. (And, I realize some people think that step-parents can’t love their children as much as biological, but oh my. Are they ever wrong.)
But, we came through it. Every hug made up for every stab in the heart, and eventually the hugs outnumbered the knives, and then the stabs went away completely. I wish I could offer you advice, but I can’t. Each situation is different. I can tell you that you are not alone, and that he WILL grow out of this.
And, just a thought, but maybe when Secondopus comes on the scene, Riley might just be fighting for your affections instead of running from them. (Not that you want your kids fighting, just, oh never mind. I’m shutting up now.)
Good luck.
I am the mother of two boys. My oldest was head over heels for his dad. He really didn’t like to be held by anyone but his dad and preferred him to everyone else. They were very close — more like friends than father and son. Now that he is a teenager, all that has changed. My husband struggles with this child that has gone from worshipping him to rejecting him just because he is one big ball of hormones and an ass to boot.
All this to say that this too shall pass. Boys have to break away from their moms and identify with their dads. Some do it sooner than others.
Hang in there…he loves you. He just doesn’t appreciate you yet!
Two things.
Thing the first: I have noticed (in my own house and at my friends’ houses and at the daycare where I used to work) that children nearly always prefer the non-primary parent. I try to think of it as balancing the scales: they get 8 units of time with Primary Parent and 4 units of time with with Secondary Parent, so their little minds struggle to balance it and they ask for Secondary Parent.
Thing the second: I can think about that theory all I want, and it doesn’t help much when my 6-year-old says, “I wish YOU worked and Daddy stayed home with us.”
And another thing - I remember when my son was 13 years old and going through that horrible hateful teenage thing that we all went through….he was being positively hateful and it totally hurt my feelings and I was so caught off guard by the fact that him being a shit to me hurt my feelings rather than just making me angry. And I talked to MY mom that night and asked her if she ever felt the same way years ago when I treated her the same way…and when she said yes…I just cried and said “I am so sorry”. Life’s lessons man. Funny.
Oh man, that sounds really really hard. I’ve got nothing else, just that everything you feel seems justified. What does JB think about it? Just curious what it’s like from his end of things. And wondering how I’m going to feel when this surely happens to me and I’m not as cool or as fun as Dad is.
*Gulp* I got a big old lump in my throat reading that. My son went through a prefering me stage. It lasted a good year, and it hurt my husband’s feelings something fierce. BUT. It did stop, and now we’re both pretty important to him. I would guess that this is a phase Linda, and that it will get better. If not, you can ply him with his favorite treats and sugar shock him into loving momma the most!
Sounds like son #2. Big time daddys boy: mommy only to nurse, scream for HOURS at night until daddy came in, refused to hug, kiss, look at or talk to me. You described how it was for us, too.
Riley is too young to know that he’s hurting you and he isn’t doing it on purpose (that comes with the teen years). It still hurts, it is still rejection. Son #2 is now 14 (!) and he and his dad are still very close. He doesn’t scream in pain when I touch him; he does talk to me and actually enjoys being with me. It does turn out fine in the end.
A little twist: with your attention being diverted to the new baby, Riley may suddenly decide that he wants to be your pal. Kind of along the lines of we want what we cant have. We had a daughter when he was about Riley’s age. All of a sudden, son #2 wanted to sit with me ( of course to see the new baby), talk to me more, and needed more attention. He also became a great protector and built in entertainment for his sister, too.
Better days are coming. Hang in there.
It must be hard to feel rejected by your son who you take so good care of. My husband is going through this with our son, who ALWAYS wants Mamamama……I guess I am the rockstar in our house…. my Husband feels absolutely hated by the boy some days.
That being said; kids are lame and fickle and the tides will shift eventually. And don’t knock it too much, being the rockstar in the house is very exhausting.
I have this theory that some little boys spend the first three years enamored with their fathers, and the rest of their lives in love with their mothers. And that additional children often bring into the family what is needed to correct anything that is out of balance. I agree with Ali that it’s possible having a new little brother around taking up a good part of your attention might just turn the tables a bit. You have a beautiful family, and even in the tough times, when it’s seemingly more work and heartache than reward, that love will get you through.
My feeling is that the reason for this is that you are home more often. If JB were the one staying home part time I’m sure that the tables would be turned. Also, he’s a boy. You’re a girl. You’re Momma, but you’re a girl. You don’t roughhouse the way JB does. And JB was a 2 year old boy once upon a time. That gives him an enormous advantage that you can’t dismiss.
It’s all a part of Riley’s preparing for the baby. He knows he will have to share you soon. The problem is, he doesn’t know he’s going to have to share DAD, too. Uh-oh! This too shall pass………
What’s really going to drive you crazy is when, in about 6 or 8 months, he starts threatening to run away from home. When that happens, give me a shout. I’ll tell ya how to nip that in the bud! It only happens, ONCE!
I totally feel for you! My son’s dad plays the drums and guitar, rides a motorcycle, loves fishing, camping, boating, volunteers as a referee…I’m always busy with schoolwork and laundry. Sometimes I get a little jealous and resentful when I don’t get picked first because dammit, I pack his lunch, drive him to school, bring treats for school parties, tuck him in at night etc…My suggestion?
How about having a regular mommy and Riley date night (might be especially helpful after #2 gets here), you could go to a coffee shop for story hour and let him order a milk steamer with whip cream. Kids love that stuff at his age!
Most importantly do something you don’t normally do and let him know this is your special time together (no daddy) just mommy and Riley.
I totally feel for you! My son’s dad plays the drums and guitar, rides a motorcycle, loves fishing, camping, boating, volunteers as a referee…I’m always busy with schoolwork and laundry. Sometimes I get a little jealous and resentful when I don’t get picked first because dammit, I pack his lunch, drive him to school, bring treats for school parties, tuck him in at night etc…My suggestion?
How about having a regular mommy and Riley date night (might be especially helpful after #2 gets here), you could go to a coffee shop for story hour and let him order a milk steamer with whip cream. Kids love that stuff at his age!
Most importantly do something you don’t normally do and let him know this is your special time together (no daddy) just mommy and Riley.
This will pass I promise. Maybe the new baby will make Riley want to be with you just a bit more.
My #2 is so cute. Invariably when I am feeding #3, he will come up and just want to be held or want a hug or just check in with me. Not in a jealous way but way more than before the baby came along for sure.
And I agree it is a good time to start teaching the empathy thing (”you hurt my feelings” with a big pout and walk away). If nothing else it gives him the vocabulary to deal with his own hurt feelings later.
Aw, I can hear the anguish in your words. I’m not a mommy and never will be, but I love kids and feel like I raised my own (I’m the eldest of six girls). I remember my youngest sister preferred me to my mother for a long time, she even thought I was her mother because my mom went back to college after she had her. I’m sure that hurt my mom.
Anyway, like everyone else’s comments have said, I’m sure it’ll even out and things will change. :) He DOES love you. Of course.
But you know that. :)
Not that more advice will necessarily help, but i had asked my mother (since i don’t have any kids of my own) when i read your last post about this. I felt so badly about THAT post, i wanted to see what another mother thought. She said pretty much the same thing as Swistle did about the Primary Parent. My brother and I were both like this and as a 1st grade teacher she got to see it with her many 6 year olds.
This, too, shall pass. In the meantime, try to enjoy the time to yourself if Riley wants Daddy. You could probably use some down-time, especially while you’re pregnant.
Advice from the childless person’s mother - over.
I am super scared about having baby number two here in a few weeks because I have no idea what it’s going to do with my and my son’s relationship. When I think about leaving here and coming back a few days later with a baby, and how that will make him feel, I can barely stand it. He has been acting *so* weird with me, definitely preferring me over my husband, sitting on my feet every time I sit down, wrapping his arms around my legs, etc. He can’t communicate that great yet (he’s a late talking 2.5) and he definitely knows something’s up but he doesn’t know what to do about it. I look different, it freaks him out, I know.
The only thing I can say is to try, try try not to take it personally. Lucky for me (and I never thought I would say this), my son was an insane newborn who never stopped crying and seemed to hate me. This has sort of toughened me up to what he thinks of me, and I my husband too, so we are more immune to him hurting our feelings. So maybe they all hurt us and wound us in their first few years, it just happens at different times? Maybe you (and I) are both projecting our worry about what this next baby is going to do to our relationship with our kid, and our husbands too? I know that when my son ignores my husband in favor of me, it makes me feel terrible for my husband and somewhat … not angry but sad with my son, that he can so cavalierly hurt my husband’s feelings. It’s really heavy, what’s going on in your family right now, but a lot of people have done it! I’m sure it will all work out and by this time next year you’ll have a boy wrapped around each leg, vying for your attention, and this will be a memory. Hang in there.
A friend of mine has a similar scenario. Her first son was born a few days before Riley (August ‘05) She has second baby boy who is 11 months. She calls her baby “sugar” and her eldest “spice.” Fortunately you have a new baby coming, which means one more chance to have a Mama’s boy. I have a feeling you’ll be getting the love an affection you are craving from Secondopus. Hang in there. You are a GREAT mommy. You are doing everything as right as possible.
you are so honest. it breaks my heart. i’m not a mom, but i can tell you do everything you can, that you are a fabulous mom, and that he’s a little kid who idolizes his dad, and that he will one day be on tv saying, “it’s all for my mom.”
Mia is the same way, except that I am the favored parent and Chris, who she honestly does worship and adore, is more often than not chopped liver. I think it is just how they are, not that it helps at all.
Your honesty is breaking my heart; and I think this (not to devalue at ALL what you are going through), is something that happens at one time or another to parents. The first word my son (the firstborn) said was “Dada” (VERY CLEARLY), even though I was the one with him more. It hurt, and I think the depth of my pain and the depth of YOUR pain, is directly related to our love and adoration of our children.
Well he’s a dude. Of course he’s going to want to be with/like his dad more. It’s a guy thing. I wouldn’t read too much into it. Sorry you’re down, I’ll go make some hot cocoa and drink it for you to try and send cheery vibrations in your direction. Those are like AM radio waves, they bounce off the stratosphere when it’s clear and cold. I’m sure you’ll get them. ;) Fear not.
Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry.
Reading posts like this makes me feel more sympathy for my husband. I’m the favourite with our kids.
Fwiw my son, who’s 7 now, slowly got better and better. He still seeks me out for certain things instead of his father, because he knows I’ll do certain things for him that his father won’t. But he slowly got better with letting his father cuddle him, going to him to talk to him excitedly about things, playing with him, and so on.
My daughter is nearly 3. She’s still wary of her father but has begun to improve in terms of letting him touch her, letting him give her things, handing him odd things to hold like she does to me, and so on.
My son got quite jealous when my daughter was born. He didn’t shove her or try to get rid of her or anything awful like that (though he was 4 - he would’ve been meaner when he was littler, I think!!) and he liked that she wasn’t getting into his toys etc. - but he wanted attention from me every time she was having attention from me. He wanted to sit with me. He wanted to know what the baby was doing. He wanted to help with changing nappies and so on. Riley may do that with you too.
So while I don’t know Riley and I’m not an expert, I am inclined to believe it will all get better, sweetie. I hope so.
I went through this with both my boys, and my daughter too. They all wanted Daddy more than me, even though I was home all the time. It got very bad with both boys right before the next baby came. I was complaining to my doctor about it, and she told me that she thinks pregnant women give off a scent or a hormone or something as the birth gets closer, that helps with the inevitable pushing away of the toddler so you can care for the new baby. She said it happened to her, and to most of her patients.
That made me feel better, and today, I am very close to all my kids, even the teenagers. We enjoy each other’s company tremendously. Dad is the one who does cool stuff like take them igloo building, but Mom provides the food and the transportation and the daily necessities. What things are like today don’t mean you and Riley won’t have a relationship, I really promise.
I can feel your pain coming through the screen. I am SO sorry for what you are dealing with right now.
Like everyone has said, this is a phase and it does pass. I have 4 kids, my oldest being my only son. When he turned 9 months old he jumped ship. He wanted daddy, he loved daddy, he wanted nothing to do with me. And it wasn’t just daddy, my sister, my mother and my husbands mother were all preferable to me. When he was about Riley’s age my MIL was at my house and my son ran into a wall and hit his head really hard. I instantly went into protective mommy mode and was all ‘Come here baby! You poor little……’ He looked at me and ran straight to my MIL. !!! She just looked at me like ‘I’M SORRY!!’ because she knew how much it hurt me.
He outgrew this stage and went into a new stage that I’m sure was equally frustrating, annoying, etc.
I promise!! It will get better. That probably doesn’t help ease the pain you are feeling right now. Maybe it does. Try not to think of yourself as failing him in any way. You seem to be doing a fantastic job parenting him, there isn’t much you could change to be ‘better’. Try not to feel so down on yourself. You are a good mom!
Hugs sweetie.
This breaks my heart for you. I wish I could help.
Once, when I was very young (but older than Riley), I asked my mom if I could have a different daddy. I didn’t know then what that must have felt like for my dad, and Riley surely doesn’t know that he’s hurting you.
Sometimes it seems that there’s a “default” parent that a child knows will always love him, accept him, and give him attention whenever he comes around. For whatever reason, the other parent’s attention is perceived as something to be striven for, and is the “preferred” parent. Maybe because that parent works during the day while the other stays home with the child, or whatever.
Maybe this isn’t the case with your family, but regardless, it will pass, as everyone has said. Hang in.
Around here, the kidlet wants NANAMAMA. Only NANA. We are SUPPOSED to split parenting duties. And Poppa is the man in the evening, when it’s playtime. But in the morning, when it’s all I can do to get myself out the door, he wants ME to get him ready for school. He’s not a morning person. At all. Just waking him up is apt to send him into full tantrum mode. And there he is screaming to my husband, “YOU GO AWAY!” Sigh. On the other hand, I smirk when he tells the Wicked Stepgrandmother to, “Leave me ALONE! I don’t LIKE you.” Because she deserves it, of course. I think the new baby will send Riley rushing to your side, proclaiming that you’re HIS mama. Dammit. I agree with someone up there that you should tell Riley he is hurting your feelings. The kidlet was mad at me on a morning that was a day he would be picked up by Wicked, and I said if he didn’t hug and kiss me good-bye, I would cry all weekend. He threw his arms around me at that. Yes, he’s five, but emotionally, he’s about three-and-a-half, so… Talk to the kid. You’d be surprised how much he knows and understands.
I want to commend you for being so honest. Sometimes the truth is not pretty, but we need to get it out in the open anyway.
My daughter was very attached to me, and acted like her father was the devil. It hurt him to the core. At one point, he told me that he thought of leaving us, so that we could go on without him, happy. It is not a great place to be.
I do have to tell you that Zoe outgrew that phase at about 3 years old. (Thank God)
I believe that the arrival of the newest family member will make you two closer.
I know it is hard to think about, but hang in there, it will get better!
We’re dealing with the same thing, only it’s her father that Button rejects on a consistent basis. I cannot fathom a reason for this, for all the same things that you already listed. And I know it hurts him deeply, even when he tries not to show it.
I’m torn on a daily basis about where to draw the line between reprimanding her for rude behavior (like shoving him away) and forcing her to display affection (which I don’t want to do).
Here’s hoping it will get better. Soon.
My kids both went through a stage of rejecting me in favor of their dad, and I have some stories, like yours, whose sting has never left even though it’s been years (my daughter once wiped off my make-it-better kiss so that Daddy could do it instead — I think she was three; they used to fight over who had to hold my hand instead of his when we were crossing the street). And oh my gosh am I familiar with every single kind of reaction you mentioned, especially the “I gave up everything for you” sort.
I don’t know what makes kids act this way, but my suspicion (in our case, anyway) has been mostly that I am the Default Parent and Daddy is the Special Parent because he’s gone more than I am. Also, I think it’s just a biological THING that children identify more strongly with one parent than another sometimes. If it’s any comfort, it’s evened out now — they’re eight and eleven and are at least mature enough to hide their preference, anyway. :)
My daughter has pretty much always preferred her dad over me, and I go thru stages where I struggle with it. She’s going to be 11 and still loves her daddy to death, and now is old enough to really voice that preference from time to time (usually without meaning any vindictiveness towards me). It’s still tough, it still stings but like you mention, I’m so very glad she’s got a present/good dad in her life. I’d rather she prefer him ’till the day is done than to not have him in her life. (He and I are not together anymore, so what Swistle says above definitely rings true - I’m the primary and he’s, for the most part, fun dad.)
I’m the mother of two teenagers and all I can say is that when your children hurt your feelings, it is unbelievably painful and I can completely understand how you feel. They will hurt you again and again and it will cut like a knife. Kids go through stages and reach milestones which almost require them to reject their parents. It won’t always be fair, or even, or make sense but you’ve just got to keep remembering that they DO love you and they don’t mean it.
It sucks to go through it. Hugs to you.
Does he know it hurts me when he rejects me in favor of JB?
Although what he’s doing feels remarkably like rejection, Riley doesn’t perceive himself to be rejecting you. He’s unable to know that’s what he’s doing and he wouldn’t understand you perceiving it that way. At his age, he’s living purely in the moment, the universe revolves around him, and he’s almost completely egocentric. I know this must be hard but do not take it personally.
Riley is a very secure little boy because he his loved. As far as he is concerned, you and JB are omnipotent Gods who love him unconditionally. That is all he knows. He’s not worried about anyone’s feelings but his own because he has no need to be. Even when you look hurt and he perceives your hurt and wants you to be happy, his primary concern is still his own well being. Your being happy makes him content.
He’ll shift from this egocentric state soon enough, and I’m betting when that new baby is taking up all of your time, he’ll be jealously competing for your attention.
There are hundreds of sites like this one, that describe toddler rejection, and they may offer reason and comfort.
Even if it’s fleeting and he is likely to grow out of this, it still just blows. I’m sorry.
P.S. Here’s “trick” I learned in Play Therapy. (Dibs in Search of Self by Virginia Axline is a great little book for some of these communication techniques.) It’s better to not to direct a child younger than five to hug someone or behave in a certain way toward someone.
When you came in the door, the first thing JB did was direct Riley to hug you. Riley impulsively responded in the negative because (I’m betting) saying no and resisting the directions of adults is what he’s doing a lot these days. How about trying a scenario where you approach the door waving and being your warm lovely self…you enter. JB and you hug. JB doesn’t direct Riley in any way and you just kind of breeze in. If Riley’s clinging to JB’s leg, so be it. Just breeze in, take off your coat and let it be. Don’t even reach for him. Let him reach for you. He will, Linda, he will.
Thanks to all for your nice comments, it means a lot to me.
You know why he rejects you? Because he knows you will love him anyway. If he were insecure, he would be clinging to anyone, and everyone who showed him the slightest bit of attention. If you weren’t doing everything right, he’d be that way, and you wouldn’t be able to get him off you.
You have to keep in mind that what you want to do is to raise your children to leave you and be self sufficient adults. If he’s not doing it in a mean way, (I hate you leave me alone don’t ever touch me again, I wish you’d die), then he’s just being well adjusted and normal. JB is just a big playmate that doesn’t stay home as much, and when he is home he’s not distracted with cooking and cleaning and all the many things that you do besides spending time with him.
It sucks, but you are doing a great job…don’t worry about it, and try not to let it hurt your feelings.
My daughter was a daddy’s girl and I couldn’t get her potty trained to save my life. She would go for him, so hey, not hanging out in the bathroom? Plus!
I think it’s completely normal, and next year (or when the baby is born and getting more of your attention) it could change and he’ll be stuck to you like glue.
What about getting JB to display random gestures of love more often - hugs and kisses, “I love Mommy”, etc. in front of him? Maybe it’ll help show him how affection can be shared among the three of you?
No, I’m sure he doesn’t know he’s hurting you. But he needs to learn this at some stage and he will as he gets bigger. I agree with Sadie above that letting him know how you feel will help the process, even if it doesn’t seem to work at first. And JB needs to show his sympathy for you as well - Riley will learn from his example.
Also, I guess that being rejected by a teenager feels much worse - they know they are being hurtful, even though they don’t realise how much!
The new baby will definitely change the family dynamic. I hope it works positively for you.
Thankyou for sharing these thoughts and feelings. Even though my two boys are much older, you often make me think about my own parenting skills (or lack of them) and it encourages me to try to do a better job now. I hope you, JB and Riley have a great Christmas and all goes well with the arrival of number 2 in the New Year.
Well, I don’t have any words of encouragement, but there are plenty here, and I’m taking heart from them myself. I go through the same thing with Gabe. He adores his father, and when Dad is around, who needs Mom? All the things you described are like what I go through. It breaks my heart and has driven me to tears on occasion, but I think that as he gets older things will start to balance out more.
I don’t have any words of wisdom - just wanted to say I feel for you….I can imagine how this breaks your heart.
Oh Sundry. You put into words so perfectly the same scenario that happens in our home. It breaks my heart and it really does hurt. We have a two-year-old and a five-month-old. Since our second child was born, we have tried to make a conscious effort to schedule some Mom & Two-Year-Old time together on the weekend. It is easier said than done, and I don’t know if it makes a huge difference on a larger level. But on the day that I spend some one-on-one time with my older child, I feel TONS better about his preference for Daddy. Because I know I’m doing the very best I can.
For what it’s worth: I hear you. I feel the same way. It really sucks sometimes.
My daughter is 10 and she stills goes through periods of being Daddy’s Girl ONLY and then Momma’s Girl next month. So…. I know it hurts, but it will get a little better when little brother arrives. Then the boys will both gang up on you equally. :-)
Not much I can say other than as it seems with kids that all things balance out eventually.
I would agree with Swistle - both my husband & I work full time and share 50/50 on parenting duties and Matthew is pretty 50/50 in preference over us. If I am out shopping and he & Daddy are home he will ask where I am and when I will be home and vice versa. SO it seems that as sucky as it may be, the parent who spends more time is “neglected” more and the other parent is favored. It is still hard no matter how you look at it.
This too shall pass…
This must be so hard to write about, much less experience, but I’m so glad you HAVE written about it. I can’t tell you how many times someone has talked about this issue and I’ve said, “You have to read what Linda has written on this.”
We have had some success with Lesley’s idea. Particularly if my husband and I hug or kiss FIRST, then my daughter wants to hug and kiss both of us. Strange but true.
It seems that all the things I would have said have been written already, but I wanted to chime in to say hang in there.
There is an awful lot on your plate right now and perhaps your list of to dos before baby #2 arrives includes spending one on one QT with Riley to shore up that relationship, and with the seemingly constant rejection from him you are not able to accomplish this? As a mother of one, I wouldn’t even know how to begin that task! Life as he knows it is about to change, but he is too young to understand how much it will change. He does not know that you will have another little boy to care for, one that will require a lot more attention, that you will be sleep deprived, or that the time you spend with him will be any different than it is now. You however know these things and perhaps it is this knowledge that is making it so much more painful? I can imagine, though I do not pretend to fully understand, that you had envisioned this time before baby #2 to be a special time for you two? Perhaps you wanted to really savor this time and this is preventing you from doing that?
It will get better and the arrival of the baby may not cue an instant turn around, but it may go a long way in righting the balance.
I hope you are assured by others that this, too, shall pass. I would pick you out in the schoolyard, mama, and I’d want you on my team.
Why don’t you go the “sad face” route a little bit more? Like if Riley says, “Be happy,” just look at him and say, “Mommy gets really sad when you don’t want to play with me. I love spending time with you and it makes me want to cry when you go with Daddy all the time. How ’bout giving your old mom some of your time, huh?”
See how he reacts. He might be somewhere in the realm of “getting” some part of that!
I could have written your post word for word.
It is simultaneously so wonderful that Riley and my son have strong bonds with their fathers and also heartbreaking to be the non-preferred parent.
This is probably not very comforting - it did get somewhat worse after our 2nd son was born (boys are 19 months apart). The good news is that it has gotten better over the past year. We talk a lot about how Mama & Daddy have TWO boys (one, two - counting is fun right now) and that we have to share time with each other. I also try to do special time with each of them alone, as does my husband. It seems to help a little.
My husband now has a weekend routine of taking the baby for a morning car ride (drive thru coffee while the baby naps in the car) and my older son and I have time alone for fun at home.
There was a time before the strike when I could have written your post word for word, too. That was eight weeks ago and Kevin is now back at work, so I’m afraid it’ll all go back o “Daddy, daddy,” only again. It gets frustrating when he wants his daddy more than me and when I am sad and cry, Ian just tells me to cry. Such sympathy. *grin* But things should even out eventually. I think Ian has gone through phases where he wants his daddy all the time and then, suddenly, from out of the blue, he asks me to roll a ball with him and it makes my day. It’s hard. Hang in there. I wish I could give you a hug or something.
It seems like my 13 month old says Da-Da about 100 times a day, and if I’m lucky, I’ll hear Ma-Ma once. We too share parenting duties about 50/50 - and if I go in his room to get him out of bed in the morning instead of my husband, he’ll just say Da-Da over and over like he’s disappointed I came to get him instead of daddy. I too feel a pang of hurt (and even jealousy) that my boy often seems to prefer daddy over me - and I feel like I’m doing something wrong, even though I know I’m not. Maybe it really is just a little boy thing? It just hurts when you’re the one whose gone through pregnancy, labor and delivery, sacrificed any chance of getting a promotion or making more money because I now work about half the hours I used to - and yet, daddy is the one who seems to reap the rewards. :( Ugh. Now I’m sad.
From what I’ve read, it seems like he spends more time with you than with your husband. (I gather he works full time to your part time and seems to travel alone more often than you.) Is it possible that with the baby coming, he’s preparing for separation anxiety in advance?
My friend went through the exact same thing when his daughter was little, except that it was his sister she favored. It really did suck, but she grew out of it. Now she is an absolute daddy’s girl.
I think that maybe some kids are gender aware early. He sees that he and daddy are the same. Kids really seem to enjoy ‘the same.’
Beyond that, I agree with the others that maybe it is just that JB is away and returns more frequently. Or that a new baby is coming. Or even because you have a strong bond with JB and Riley wants in on the closeness.
Either way, keep your chin up. It isn’t that he doesn’t love you, but rather it seems that he is trying to have a special relationship with his father.
Not sure what else to say but I’m sending out fellow pregnant mom hugs to you. You are going through a lot with work changes, you’re sick, oh and you’re about to give birth. You just want your little suctopus to love you. I don’t understand why he’s doing it completely but I do understand why it is so painful for you. You have every right to feel those things. I have a feeling things will change when the baby comes. Until then, do the best you can and give yourself a break. Continue to give him all the love you can and he will come around. It’s damn hard being a mom and these kids are constantly testing us…:).
Sorry to be corny but lots and lots of hugs to you (((((HUGS))))) .
Just remember - mama’s are the punching bags. Kids have no empathy until they’re taught how to. And it’s totally normal for kids to favor one parent over another at different times in their life. You’re not doing anything wrong. Not one thought is wrong.
I wouldn’t ask Riley to do anything he wouldn’t normally do - no forced hugging, etc., but continue to show him how to love things, how to be gentle and caring and you’ll raise a kid with the ability to empathize and show love. And Lesley’s idea is great - let you and JB show Riley what love is.
And don’t forget - you’ve got a hormone storm raging in your body. This will all change eventually. :)
i like what swistle said. as in, theres a reason for it, but the reason won’t make you feel any better about the whole thing. theres a disconnect between the two.
i’m going through the same thing with my kid (4) and my ex. this is a kid that i gave up everything to provide for since the ex and i split up, busted my ass to feed and clothe and house - and he wants to go live with daddy because, god forbid, i make him pick up his own toys, and sometimes, if he doesn’t, i SEND HIM TO HIS ROOM.
sometimes, i am calm and understanding, i say ‘oh well, i don’t mind if you don’t love me today because i’ll always love you’.
sometimes i am a little more hurt and we sit and i try to explain how saying things hurts mummys feelings. we use examples where his feelings were hurt and compare them to how i feel. and he says sorry, but its not something that works long term.
three times in the last year i have felt the exact crushing stabbing horrific inner pain that you describe and it has been too much, on top of everything else, and i have sat him down and said, you know, FINE, what if you DO go and live with daddy, what if you never see mummy ever again, will THAT make you happy? because all i want is for you to be happy and when you talk like that you hurt mummy SO MUCH that she wonders if she’s doing the right thing by requesting that you spend time with her, so maybe, even though it would practically kill me, maybe if you think that thats what you want, then we could do it. because mummy no longer wants to be around someone who is so adamant that they hate her.
child cries. mummy cries. all over. works for a bit though.
i think we also tend to look at it from an adult perspective, not that that helps you feel any better. as adults, we can measure love, we can realise that certain words or actions are going to hurt people, we can see how much other people have done for us, we understand appreciation. toddlers have no grasp on those concepts… yeah, they’re smart, but those are just too huge for their minds to grapple with. i dunno.
Hi,
I’m 29 years old, female, no babies.
I’m Riley. So is my sister. My sister and I are alike in personality to my father. Additionally, my father is a better communicator than my mom so it’s easier for us to get along with him. We’ve done the whole “Hi Mummy, is Baba home?” thing constantly. I know the personality thing has been an excuse since we developed personalities but we’ve both shown a marked preference since childhood.
Thank you for this post. The truth is that I don’t love my mom less than my dad. It’s just a different love. My father is someone I can communicate my ideas to better but my mom is just stolidly THERE. Keeping the family fed, washing our clothes, making us dosa, being the reasonable one. The thought of anything happening to her makes me clench up.
It is a quiet reasonable love and we’ve all been guilty (as in my family) of taking advantage of it without recognition.
With that said, I think I’ll give her a call at the office.
Thanks again for the other perspective. What you have penned here is stuff my mom doesn’t let out of her heart except once in a millenium and there is a pretty big cultural difference (my parents are immigrants, I am second generation) and is not as expressive in English as you are.
A.
Also have to say that growing up and today, when my parents argue/argued…I am on my mom’s side. 99% of the time. And will always defend her to my father/sister. Love is a mysterious fig.
Linda, it’s a phase. Don’t even sweat it, baby. Most kids go through something like this, and it’s probably about his growing independence as he gets more mobile. You’re naturally going to be the more nurturing parent, and he is probably wanting to show how tough he is, and since JB’s a seriously manly dude, Riley wants to be in with his crowd right now.
Toddlers are heartless little f-ers sometimes, but remember that having kids is about truly learning to be selfless. No one says it’s going to be easy, but if Riley is getting the care and comfort he needs to grow, you are an excellent mom and you have nothing to worry about.
I bet a child psychologist could explain this phase in 2 seconds, but the bottom line is that it’s NOT YOU. You are lovable and such a great mom. Just work on feeling better and staying healthy, and making sure your family does the same.
It’s so brave of you to share this. I know and you know, I think, that this has nothing to do with you, and it’s just a phase, and it will pass, and many people have told you this already. I also know that this will probably not help you as much as I’d like it to. You are hurt and in a fragile state - and this really, really sucks.
I just want to send you a virtual careful Internet-stranger-hug.
Oh Linda, I’m crying for you, with you, for me.
I’ve been in this position with both my boys. Currently Dylan, my 2 year old says “I love dada” and REFUSES to say he loves me. His dad see’s him what once every 2 months and holy fucky BY GOD he’s the most wonderful thing on this entire earth to BOTH the boys, yet they appreciate oh nothing that I do, and I’m here, every single day.
It’s really hard to be the less perfered person isn’t it. If you figure out any magical cures, let me know!
Oh man,iIt hurts so badly when it feels like the person you love more than almost anyone else on earth rejects you. It’s hard to remember in the moment that it’s not like adult rejection. Riley is expressing his preference, he’s not saying he doesn’t love you or find you worthy of love. I know this is against the grain, but I’ve never told my son that he’s made me feel sad when he’s rejected me. Growing up, my mom could be moody and sensitive and until I moved 3000 miles away I felt partially responsible for her happiness. I resent it. I know she didn’t mean to make me feel like that, but it’s taken a lot of years for me to come close to accepting that I’m not responsible for any adult’s happiness besides my own. I’d like to give my son the gift of freedom from that responsibility. Plus since he’s only 4.5, I know that if he says he’s angry with me or my husband, he’ll change his mind soon enough. I am his preferred parent generally, but there are times when I’m not wanted. I try to remember it’s just my son’s preference, not a declaration that he doesn’t love me. Hang in there.
I know that this hurts and nothing will really make it better, but maybe the escalating of the daddy-adoration is that he fears you now that you are fully pregnant? I remember my usually snugly nephew not going within 5 feet of my sister when she was pregnant - he was scared to death of the changes in her and, at 3, the only way he thought a baby could get in your belly was if you ate it. He was petrified that if she was near his pregnant aunt she would eat him and no one could convince him otherwise!
While quite funny to us all, it really hurt her feelings that for about 4 months he wouldn’t come near her. And she is his aunt, not his mom so I can’t imagine how your heart breaks.
You know why he rejects you? Because he knows you will love him anyway.
This is very true. A child who feels deeply loved also feels safe in expressing all of their feelings around those who love them. Anger, sadness, joy, tears, humiliation… all of these emotions can be safely shared with a loving parent.
It may seem ironic and twisted - when they express rejection or anger, but there’s no greater compliment than that. :)
I just thought of an experience my ex went through with his kids. (The circumstances were different. He was separated from his wife at the time and his kids were much older than Riley. The rejection is the common factor.) When he and his wife separated and he had full custody, his ex-wife could no wrong and the kids either ignored dad or grumped about every decision he made. They also blamed him for the separation. One day his daughter blurted out that she loved her mother and didn’t love him. I was there when it happened.
Having ‘been Sarah’ in my own childhood (I had been abandoned by my dad), I sensed the subtext. I told him, “Sarah feels safe with you. She knows you will never abandon her so she can risk expressing her anger around you and even toward you. The same can’t be said about her mother who has moved far away and rarely sees her. Sarah has to be on her best behaviour with her mother or she feels she’ll risk losing her even though, in reality, she has already been abandoned by her mother. Sarah’s fantasy that her mother still loves her the way she did when you were together has to be maintained at all cost. But she’s angry with her mom and in denial about it at the same time. The same can’t be said for your relationship. You’re a rock, you’re her rock. She knows she can kick you and you won’t budge.”
A child who is loved unconditionally is free to express him or herself. A lot of this expression is blunt and direct early on because kids lack the sophistication of adults. They are also keenly aware of their powerlessness. It’s tough being a kid even when you’re as loved as Riley is. Kids just want to be grown up and powerful like the adults they see around them.
Linda, you are a wonderful mother. You are so smart and funny and human and humane and Riley is one very lucky little boy! (I would have given anything to have a mom and dad like you and JB.)
Linda, it looks like you have lots of wonderful comments and advice here. I don’t think Riley knows he’s hurting you per se, but I do think he knows he’s pushing your buttons, and probably gets some satisfaction that it works. Just a normal toddler contrary-minded stage. He’s obviously excited to see you, but resists being told what to do, and his resistance seems to escalate in correlation with your insistance that he does what you & JB want him to do. And once he gets to the meltdown stage, he’s committed to resistance, and overwhelmed, and loses it.
I know it’s so, so hard not to react with emotion, but if I were you I would let him know that his behaviour is hurtful and unacceptable, in a matter of fact way, and deal with it accordingly, as you would any type of misbehaviour. Obviously you can’t always make him do what you want, but try not to reward his tantrums with an emotional reaction. It just sounds like you’re locked in a power struggle.
Your baby knows you love him, and he loves you too. He’s just testing his boundaries and trying out his independence on you. And maybe your personalities are so similar that it leads to a clash much more quickly than it does with daddy.
Hang in there, these phases pass before you know it. All the best for the holidays, and thanks for writing - I love your site.
We used to call it “Kids Changing Camp” as they would regularly shift from one favorite to the other…I decided to just go with the flow…one day it was Daddy and the next it was Mommy…or sometimes months at a time. I would always say, “Great idea, let’s have Daddy do it!” or he would say the same with “Great idea, let’s let Mommy do it.” The kids realized what seemed to be a power play didn’t work out all that well…and eventually figured out that whoever was closest was the best deal. Now as teens they are still doing it…searching out who seems closest to the possibility of saying “yes” to whatever it is they want…our tactics have been that in order to keep peace between us, the only acceptable answer is “Let me run that by (Mom) or (Dad) and I’ll get back to you.” It took us awhile to figure this one out…surprisingly enough. LOL.
Know this: if you were to disappear today, Riley would never ever be the same, you are his world…he is forever linked to you in ways he does not understand yet and in ways you never thought possible. You are doing a great job.
Just a thought from one who has no kids but has done a LOT of family therapy. This seems like an opportunity to teach Riley about loving lots of people/things equally and all at the same time. Kids sometimes think they can only have one feeling, one object of affection, at a time. They have to reject one to take up another. Toy A is the best thing ever until Toy B is discovered and then Toy A is cast off.
Perhaps you could model for him that you love him, and new baby, and JB all at the same time. Teach him to gather you all up at once (although I agree with other advice that counsels you to let him find his way to you at his own speed). For example, he can’t do the “walk and swing holding parents hands” thing without both of you. In fact none of you could play that game without all three of you there. Nothing wrong with you observing that outloud while he’s having fun doing it.
I can’t imagine the pain you feel during those moments. Small comfort that most everyone feels it’s less about you or Riley’s love for you than it is about his development. Hang in there.
I did not read all of the remarks so this may be redundant… I think it is because you are about to have another baby and he is mad at you that he will not be the sole center of attention anymore. He will have to share you and we all know, kids do not like to share what is theirs. He is turning to JB because JB isn’t the one having the baby.
Unless this was going on before pregnacy #2, than I don’t have an answer for you. I know it hurts now, but when the baby gets here he will want all of YOUR attention.
That breaks my heart. I’m so sorry for your pain. Everyone talks about how parenting is the most rewarding thing in life but seldom do we talk about how it is also the most painful, heart-wrenching thing we will ever do. I guess it is good that we don’t realize this before hand because I for one am not sure I would have gone through with it.
I’m probably repeating someone else, but I’ve heard many stories about this same kind of thing, and it always seems to come from mothers who stay at home. Even if you’re working from home, even if you have a sitter to mind the child while you are working, it has a certain effect on the kiddo like you describe.
Sorry that you feel this way. It makes me wonder if this is how my husband feels sometimes, as my daughter has a clear preference for me (but she’s 17 months..)
That’s it. Make new baby the favorite. That will show him.
Ok, seriously. It is a phase. I went through it with my child and even grandchild (damn Papa). It passes. Promise.
:( I haven’t read everyone else’s comments, so in order to not repeat, I’ll keep it simple. Your boy loves you deeply, this is a phase. The whole time I read your entry, as my heart sunk, I kept thinking about you being sick lately and getting increasingly pregnant. I think those two factors are contributing to the timing of your sadness.
Hi, I am delurking! Anyway, I hope it is not too late to comment, and I also don´t know if somebody already said this, but I am wondering if JB has a special day that is just him and Riley? Maybe Riley seems to favor him because you stay home with him several days and have lots and lots of “me” time with him but it may be a good idea for them to also have time of their own so that he can enjoy his dad´s undivided attention? Just a thought!
Finally catching up after the holidays… ;)
Not much to offer. I’ve felt it more times than I can say, and this blistering pain is actually NOTHING compared to the first time they come out with the “I HATE YOU!” that brought me to my knees.
It’s small comfort, but when they are sick or hurt or scared, it’s invariably “mama” that they ask for. Last night, Bug was having an asthma attack. He fought G like nobody’s business until G handed me over and went to step and fetch the meds… the nebulizer… the compressor. He cried and fought me on the meds, but once we got him under control, he clung to me, burrowed his head into my side, and calmly went to sleep.
I sometimes think that they are designed to do these things to us, to better prepare us for when they leave for college, or move out, or get married and ZOMG have their own children.