Yesterday when I got home from work JB held Riley up to the window so he could see me as I got out of my car. I waved, and I could hear Riley’s excited squeals—”Mommy! Mommy!”—but when I came inside he clung to his father’s leg, begging to be picked up.

“Give Mommy a hug,” JB said, and Riley shouted Nooo, Noooo, want Daddy, want Daddy, Daddy up, Daddy UP, and as I approached my son he ran from me, crying and wailing and shouting NO, WANT DADDY.

Oh, a thousand knives in my heart. A million.

Riley has always shown a preference for JB, and I guess I’ve gotten used to it as much as a lesser-wanted parent can be expected to. In the last few weeks, though, things have been—well, what? What’s the word for it? Things have been weird, things have been sad. My boy has been clinging to his father and rejecting me on a daily basis, and it hurts so badly I can barely think about it without tears coming to my eyes.

There are big, painful moments, like yesterday’s refusal to allow me to touch him or approach him, or the never-to-be-forgotten horrible meltdown at the Christmas tree farm where I dared to hold him while JB put the tree in the back of the truck, and there are countless small moments that cut into me over and over and over: the way he instantly asks for his father when it’s my morning to get him up, but when it’s JB’s morning he never asks for me once; the way he climbs into his father’s arms at a moment’s notice but often has to be coerced into mine; the way he will hand a toy to his father but refuse to let me touch it; the way he curls against JB’s body in a way he never does with me; the way he follows JB all over the house, begging for “up, up!” until I think I’m going to scream.

I know my boy loves me, and when we’re alone together everything is usually fine—although I doubt he asks about Mommy when he’s with JB as often as he asks about Daddy (“Daddy working?”) when he’s with me. I also know how blessed and lucky we are that his father is here and present and that he has such a strong bond with JB.

But. I just don’t understand why things are so off balance. JB and I share parenting duties fairly equally, we both dole out discipline when it’s necessary, we both do baths and diapers and bedtime stories. I don’t think there’s anything I could be doing to improve the situation, and yet every time Riley rejects me it feels like I am failing in the most critical of arenas, it feels like I am the most colossal fuckup on this planet and that I am doing every single thing wrong.

It makes me feel ugly, unwanted and unneeded. It hurts me in a way that is deeper and more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced: it’s like being fired, and broken up with, and grudgingly accepted last in the schoolyard pick, all at the same time, over and over.

I find myself thinking despondent, sorry-for-me thoughts: why can’t you love me as much, oh god what is wrong with me?; I find myself thinking immature, angry thoughts: I have given up everything for you; I find myself thinking the kinds of thoughts that are hard to confess to: You don’t want to be around me? Fine. You know what, I don’t really want to be around you either. In fact, I’d rather be reading a good book, or going to a movie, or a doing any fucking number of things other than sitting here trying to play Legos and hearing you whine for Daddy.

Sometimes, after we’ve had a particularly Challenging Moment, and my face is full of pain and I can’t smile, he looks at me and say, “Be happy, Mommy”. I don’t know what to think about this. Does he know it hurts me when he rejects me in favor of JB? Does it matter?

I’m so afraid that things will get worse with a new baby in the house, that he’ll cling to JB even more, that the scales will never, ever shift in my favor and our relationship will always be one of second-best. I’m afraid of the exact same scenario happening with my second boy. I’m tired of feeling sad and resentful.

Things are not always bad. Things are very often good. We play together, we read books, he randomly chases me and grabs my pantleg and yells “I GOT DA LEG!”, he shows me he loves me too. This is not an every-moment-of-the-day problem. And maybe there are some easy explanations: I’m cumbrously pregnant and I can’t roughhouse the way his dad does, I’ve been sick and not feeling like myself, I stay home with him part time so maybe I am taken for granted a bit.

I just wish it wasn’t like this. And I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it.


Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
8 years ago

A consultant’s commission is a good presenter. As a result of it.

Happy Father’s Day, and utilize a one-sided or double-sided salesperson banner.
There is something worthwhile there and sell your own needs, you have strong credit or even working in my life.

Stop by my page :: @salesoperations

minion rush money hack

I have fun with, result in I found just what I was looking for.
You’ve endd my four day lengthy hunt! God Bless you man. Have a nice day.

8 years ago

I am in fact happy to read this weblog posts which carries plenty of helpful facts,
thanks for providing such information.

black mold removal on painted drywall

What often occurs when someone tries to remove the mould on their own is that they start scrubbing the world with a cleansing

Free racing Rivals hack

Hi to every single one, it’s genuinely a nice for me to visit this
site, it consists of valuable Information.

my homepage Free racing Rivals hack

how to sell e books online and make money from home

Link exchange is nothing else except it is just placing the other person’s blog link on your page at appropriate place and other person will also do same in support of you.

best steroids on the market

I lijke it whenever people come together and share ideas.
Great site, continue the gooid work!

8 years ago

magnificent publish, very informative. I’m wondering wwhy the other specialists of this sector don’t realize this.
You must proceed your writing. I am confident, you’ve a
great readers’ base already!

my blog :: membership director software (Ken)

hello hero hack pc
8 years ago

If you try some super site for yourself, you will see that the nature of games
for free available is virtually limitless. Aside from
that, Look at the bright side, one does not have to waste time at home doing nothing.
On the internet, you will find many game sites and puzzles sites, but many
of them require you to become a member before you can start playing.

8 years ago

If some оne neeɗs to be updated with most recent technologies afterward
he mսst be gߋ to see this website and be up to date all
the time.

Also visit my blog; minecraft

My brother suggested I may like this blog. He was
once totally right. This post actually made my day.
You cann’t believe just how much time I had spent
for this info! Thank you!

My site ::–423035073.html

Penis Enlargement Bible

I am regular reader, how are you everybody?
This post posted at this site is really pleasant.

does vigrx plus works
8 years ago

The majority of recognizable pennile enhancenent pills male enhancement pills should have perfect understanding
about all such needs. The enhancement from the editors of BetterSexMall.
Yoou do not expand to hold ore blood circulation.

farmville cheats for cash and coins download

Heya great website! Does running a blog such as this
take a large amount of work? I’ve virtually no knowledge of computer programming
but I was hoping to start my own blog in the near future.
Anyways, if you have any recommendations or
tips for new blog owners please share. I understand this is off subject however I simply wanted to ask.
Appreciate it!

8 years ago

At this time it seems like BlogEngine is tthe top blogging
platform available right now. (from what I’ve read) Is that
what you are using on your blog?

hack wifi
8 years ago

What i do not realize is in truth how you’re not actually much more
well-liked than you might be right now. You’re very intelligent.
You know therefore significantly with regards to this topic, made me in my opinion imagine it from so many various angles.
Its like women and men don’t seem to be fascinated unless it is one thing to accomplish
with Woman gaga! Your individual stuffs nice. Always deal with it up!

conditions course
8 years ago

I know this site offers quality based articles or
reviews and extra stuff, is there any other website which provides
these data in quality?
8 years ago

It’s because you’ll get complete aid from neuropathy which signifies that you now not have to purchase pain killers or make quite a
few journeys to the medical doctors without efficient results which can be quite

airsoft atlanta
8 years ago

Good post. I’m going through some of these issues
as well..

8 years ago

Great weblog here! Also your website a lot up very fast! What host are
you using? Can I get your associate link in your host?
I wish my site loaded up as quickly as yours lol

apartments in westwood

Hello There. I found your blog using msn. This
is a really well written article. I will make sure to bookmark it and come
back to learn more of your helpful information. Thank you for the post.
I will definitely return.

Cheap Jerseys China
8 years ago

Thank you so much for giving everyone a very marvellous possiblity to read in detail from this website. It really is very superb and as well , stuffed with a great time for me personally and my office friends to search your blog not less than three times weekly to learn the new guides you have got. Not to mention, I am actually motivated considering the stunning things you serve. Certain 4 areas in this post are clearly the simplest we have all had.
Cheap Jerseys China

ultrasound technician schools

Everyone loves it when people get together and share thoughts. Great site, stick with it!

free games for mac
8 years ago

The conflict of Conflict Of Clans Hack Android Root clans hack
operates with no jailbreak due to this fact you really don’t will need to have jailbreaking iphone or iPad
subsequently you never should concern about compatibility or in case you really really don’t wish to set up it by yourself iphone or
iPad it’s possible to enhance your conflict of clans hack with out downloading the hack with your telephone that why we
designed Conflict of clans hack for Home windows
and Mac Os Some Cheats and Tips for Conflict Of Clans.

car insurance quotes
8 years ago

Aw, this was an incredibly good post. Spending some time and actual effort to produce a superb article… but what can I say… I procrastinate a whole lot and never seem to get anything done.

piumini woolrich
8 years ago

Hi there, I found your website by way of Google at the same time as looking for a related matter, your site came up, it looks great. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.
piumini woolrich

programmable thermostat

When some one searches for his required thing, so he/she needs to be available that in detail, therefore that
thing is maintained over here.

web designer
8 years ago

First off I want to say terrific blog! I had a quick question which I’d like to ask
if you do not mind. I was curious to know how
you center yourself and clear your head before writing.

I’ve had a tough time clearing my thoughts in getting my ideas out there.
I do take pleasure in writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes tend to be
lost just trying to figure out how to begin. Any ideas or tips?
Many thanks!

top iphone apps for toddlers

Hello to every body, it’s my first go to see of this webpage; this blog includes amazing and truly
excellent information for readers.

cell phone spy caller
8 years ago

Hello, I want to subscribe forr this blkg to get latest updates, thus where can i do it
please help.

spotify free premium
7 years ago

Wonderful goods from you, man. I have understand your stuff previous to and you’re just too wonderful.
I actually like what you’ve acquired here, really like what you are stating and the way in which you say it.

You make it enjoyable and you still take care of to
keep it wise. I can’t wait to read much more from you.
This is really a terrific web site.

7 years ago

What’s up, always i used to check blog posts here in the early hours in the morning, as i like to learn more and more.

7 years ago

What’s up every one, here every person is sharing these knowledge, thus it’s pleasant to read this webpage, and I used to pay a visit this weblog daily.|

check credit score
7 years ago

This website was… how do you say it? Relevant!! Finally I’ve found something that helped me. Cheers!

criminal lawyer
7 years ago

I couldn’t refrain from commenting. Exceptionally well written!

debt consolidation loan

Hi colleagues, its great post regarding teachingand entirely explained, keep it up all the time.|

online home insurance quote

I got this web site from my pal who told me regarding this website and at the moment this time I am browsing this web page and reading very informative content here.|

make a wish car donation

Hello there, I discovered your site by way of Google whilst looking for a similar subject, your web site got here up, it appears to be like good. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.

Foreclosed property
7 years ago

I know this web page presents quality depending articles or reviews and other material, is there any other web page which gives these kinds of information in quality?|

bagless vacuum
7 years ago

Hello, I read your blogs regularly. Your story-telling style is witty, keep it up!|

7 years ago

Thank’s for this. I have similiar website, and I invite You to read mine too.

Dishnet internet
7 years ago

My coder is trying to convince me to move to .net from PHP. I have always disliked the idea because of the costs. But he’s tryiong none the less. I’ve been using Movable-type on a variety of websites for about a year and am anxious about switching to another platform. I have heard excellent things about Is there a way I can transfer all my wordpress content into it? Any help would be really appreciated!|

7 years ago

Hi there, all is going fine here and ofcourse every one is sharing information, that’s really fine, keep up writing.

My weblog Alta

boligalarm test tv2
7 years ago

En husalarm er altså ikke længere bare en husalarm, men derimod en alarm med et varierende antal sensorer alt efter størrelsen på dit hus, og med brand-, røg- eller panikalarm.
7 years ago

Med eller uten kamera, billigst mulig eller best mulig, best teknikk eller flest
vektere, enklest mulig betjening eller mest
mulig muligheter, nøkkeloppbevaring eller nøkkelboks på
veggen, trådløs eller kablet, kalde boder eller varme
stuer, lang avstand til rom som skal sikres eller lite hus, rykte,
nærhet til vaktsentral osv er alle faktorer som må vurderes.

husalarm med kamera
7 years ago

Den første fakturaen inneholder installasjon og abonnement for de
3 første månedene.

kettlebell exercises youtube

You get two vigorous workouts which last HALF AN HOUR each, so you could either do
them as stand alone works out or do them collectively.

Vi tilbyr våre kunder et unikt sortiment av produkter og tjenester innen boligalarm og det
tilkoblede, smarte hjemmet.

6 years ago

wrinkle in time madeline lengle

marketing In Il
6 years ago

You see for a long time there has been an on going struggle and a fiercely contested battle in between exactly what I call tattoo traditionalists and the newer tattoo artists.
This is actually a reflection or just like the age old power battle that teenagers
frequently go through as they attempt to form their own identity and different themselves from their moms and dads.When you develop your account, make certain to maximize the fields readily available.
Inform individuals a little about yourself and build
the profile so that it is matched to your interest.Most of the times, the advertisement sales representative will certainly
be distressed to tell you the specials they have offered.
If they don’t offer, ask. You might feel uncomfortable, but
it’s OK to request for a discount rate. That’s how ad firms get great prices for their
clients.The marketing In Il
rule Comcast is breaking is this. Otherwise delighted consumers who decide to
not do anything will certainly lose channels. Clients must have
the ability to pull out of the changes and keep their existing service.

A minimum of for a shift period.Tie up
with other ebusiness owners. As they state, no guy is an island.
You’ll maximize your exposure in the online arena if you consolidate people who are offering
products and services that compliment yours.
Exactly what you can do is to go into an agreement where you and
your partners will certainly cross offer your items to your particular clients.
This can improve your sales without the have
to spend more on your advertising campaign.No doubt its only a one liner to put a title for the article.
But do spend at least 25 % to 50 % of your time in creating an excellent effect title for the short article.
Yes its that long for you to believe your article over and over once more
and develop the best you can think of. internet marketing Do invest at
least 30 to 15 minutes for the title if you spend 1 hour (not that
this is ideal) to compose a post.Think of that: each week, that chain invested a fortune to draw customers to its doors, and then proceeded
to drive a number of those consumers away. All due to the fact that marketing and logistics were unable
to interact.Just a couple of states such as California currently mandate the use of ignition breathalyzers.

When a court discovers an accused is a repeat offender, this only takes place.
Before being permitted to drive once more, the defendant is required to install
one of the devices at their own cost. Empirical researches have actually revealed this considerably
decreases the variety of offenses, although it does not eliminate them entirely.