JB and I did a major purging of some over-stuffed closets this weekend, and we came across a familiar unwieldy giant triangle crammed under a set of dusty sheets. There it was: the Liberator Wedge.

It’s been a long time since the Liberator has served its original purpose, which I realize is probably more information about my personal life than you ever wanted to know, but what can I say: it’s huge, it’s sprinkled with dog hair, it’s been used as a toddler slide. There is nothing remotely sexy about it anymore, and if you’ve seen its appearance in Burn After Reading you know just how silly it really looks.

(Also, honestly? A few pillows pretty much provide the same helpful assistive technology, and can be re-arranged to their usual innocent tableau afterwards.)

What to do with a large foam wedge, one that could ostensibly be passed off as an enormous reflux pillow or some such except for the telltale Liberator logo on the (washable, obvs) cover? We had amassed several large bags for Goodwill and I briefly considered the ramifications of donating it — would anyone even know? Could I cover up the logo? What sort of tax write-off would that be? — but ultimately decided I couldn’t handle the thought of it lurking in our local thriftstore, balanced on end next to the broken vacuums and deflated beanbag chairs.

I posted my conundrum on Twitter (because there’s something about being limited to 140 characters that leaves me with no shame whatsoever) and the prevailing advice was to put it on Craigslist, which was appealing if only for the chance to write the ad. But of course then there’s the whole awkward situation of having someone come out to your house in order to take away your gently-used sex furniture. I pictured myself handing it over, the brief moment when my hands and a stranger’s hands were simultaneously touching its plush microfiber covering. Or worse: both of us staring at it on the floor.

A crafty person could probably whip up a jolly new cover for the thing and permanently relocate it to the kids’ rooms, but isn’t there just something. . . awful about that? Like glueing fins on your vibrator and giving it to your kid to use as a “rocket” — it’s both a horrific little secret that would surely scar your child for life should they ever learn the story behind Space Shuttle Jack Rabbit’s origins, and a pathetic statement about the less-than-exotic nature of your sex life.

I suppose there’s always the option of hacking up the foam innards and stuffing it, gruesomely dismembered, in the trash. There it will be ferried away to some landfill, probably taking about a thousand years to biodegrade. Crows will pick holes in it, seagulls will spackle it with droppings. The Liberator logo will bleach in the sun. Wall-E will eventually pack it in a cube.

So let my story be a lesson to you: if you’re considering your own bedroom adventure gear purchase, make sure you have ample storage, never let a small child play on the damn thing no matter how much they beg for the “blue slide”, and be prepared to keep it FOREVER.

Comments

57 Responses to “Liberating”

  1. Jennifer on January 12th, 2009 2:28 pm

    “A crafty person could probably whip up a jolly new cover for the thing and permanently relocate it to the kids’ rooms…”

    OMFG. I’m the awful pervert who twittered this suggestion to you yesterday.

    I think JennyW’s suggestion is a great one. Dog! can never be too comfortable!

  2. Debbi on January 12th, 2009 8:23 pm

    I have been following your blog for over a year and a half and this post was, by far, the best ever. I have never laughed so hard. Tried to read it out loud to my husband and couldn’t make it through. Thank you for your humor and gift with words!

  3. Shawna on January 12th, 2009 9:31 pm

    You know, speaking of reflux pillow, if that thing was only a bit longer I think I would have killed to have one to sleep on during late pregnancy when lying flat made heartburn excruciating. And given how many women I know who could only sleep in a recliner in late pregnancy for that very reason, I think there’s an untapped market there just waiting.

  4. Katherine on January 13th, 2009 2:03 pm

    Didn’t read all the comments so this may have already been suggested, but any time I have extra foam “innards” I hack them up and stuff them into the dog bed. My dog sleeps quite comfortably, thank you. :)

  5. kari on January 16th, 2009 9:28 am

    hahahaha

  6. Beekeebear on January 19th, 2009 12:51 pm

    I’d just like to thank you for the awkward moment this weekend while my boyfriend and I were watching “Burn After Reading” and George Clooney pulls out the Liberator. And I say, “Do you know what that is?” And he says, “No.” So I proceed to explain…

    And he says, “You know this how?” with that look of wanting to know but not really wanting to know.

    And it was all thanks to you. So… thanks… for that.

  7. marilyn on December 8th, 2018 6:56 am

    I read this article about our Atlantan hometown heroes and could only think of this old post.

    https://boingboing.net/2018/12/07/made-in-the-usa.html

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