JB and I did a major purging of some over-stuffed closets this weekend, and we came across a familiar unwieldy giant triangle crammed under a set of dusty sheets. There it was: the Liberator Wedge.

It’s been a long time since the Liberator has served its original purpose, which I realize is probably more information about my personal life than you ever wanted to know, but what can I say: it’s huge, it’s sprinkled with dog hair, it’s been used as a toddler slide. There is nothing remotely sexy about it anymore, and if you’ve seen its appearance in Burn After Reading you know just how silly it really looks.

(Also, honestly? A few pillows pretty much provide the same helpful assistive technology, and can be re-arranged to their usual innocent tableau afterwards.)

What to do with a large foam wedge, one that could ostensibly be passed off as an enormous reflux pillow or some such except for the telltale Liberator logo on the (washable, obvs) cover? We had amassed several large bags for Goodwill and I briefly considered the ramifications of donating it — would anyone even know? Could I cover up the logo? What sort of tax write-off would that be? — but ultimately decided I couldn’t handle the thought of it lurking in our local thriftstore, balanced on end next to the broken vacuums and deflated beanbag chairs.

I posted my conundrum on Twitter (because there’s something about being limited to 140 characters that leaves me with no shame whatsoever) and the prevailing advice was to put it on Craigslist, which was appealing if only for the chance to write the ad. But of course then there’s the whole awkward situation of having someone come out to your house in order to take away your gently-used sex furniture. I pictured myself handing it over, the brief moment when my hands and a stranger’s hands were simultaneously touching its plush microfiber covering. Or worse: both of us staring at it on the floor.

A crafty person could probably whip up a jolly new cover for the thing and permanently relocate it to the kids’ rooms, but isn’t there just something. . . awful about that? Like glueing fins on your vibrator and giving it to your kid to use as a “rocket” — it’s both a horrific little secret that would surely scar your child for life should they ever learn the story behind Space Shuttle Jack Rabbit’s origins, and a pathetic statement about the less-than-exotic nature of your sex life.

I suppose there’s always the option of hacking up the foam innards and stuffing it, gruesomely dismembered, in the trash. There it will be ferried away to some landfill, probably taking about a thousand years to biodegrade. Crows will pick holes in it, seagulls will spackle it with droppings. The Liberator logo will bleach in the sun. Wall-E will eventually pack it in a cube.

So let my story be a lesson to you: if you’re considering your own bedroom adventure gear purchase, make sure you have ample storage, never let a small child play on the damn thing no matter how much they beg for the “blue slide”, and be prepared to keep it FOREVER.

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Casey
13 years ago

Um…if the condition of your pillow is indicative of the sorry state of your sex life…what does it mean when one has never even heard of the damn thing? Off to Google.

Kristi
13 years ago

Oh my God – I would throw out the cover and take the innards to the thrift store. Maybe someone crafty could use it for, uuummmmm…what?

Good luck with all that.

M.A.
M.A.
13 years ago

A Linda Classic — absolutely hilarious. Please file as such. =)

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
13 years ago

Linda, you kill me!

I would probably do the hack it up and stuff it in a trash bag deal.

Jenn Perryman
Jenn Perryman
13 years ago

I’d still put it on Craigslist, but I’d stick it in a lawn n’ leaf bag (waterproof and discreet!) and make the pickup curbside. if they want to throw a couple of bucks in your mailbox, then all the better! And fantastic post. Saw the tweet and hoped you’d have more here. :)

Tiffanny Bernsee
Tiffanny Bernsee
13 years ago

I love reading your blog! I just got the best laugh out of this entry strangely enough while waiting in the Walgreens drivethru for my b/c prescription!

Angie
Angie
13 years ago

We bought one when my husband was coming home from a longass deployment. It was ridiculous, takes up tons of space, and, seriously, not that comfortable. We, fortunately, have rather large closets here, so my children haven’t discovered it, yet. But, yes, what will we ever do to get rid of it. I hadn’t even considered. Thanks for giving me something to keep me awake tonight!

Pete
Pete
13 years ago

That’s why we use the exercise balls and then pretend there for exercise. Good post.

Erin
Erin
13 years ago

Ebay? Gently used, recently cleaned?

Kelly
13 years ago

I wish you had written this post three months ago. Now, I have a giant Leopard print wedge taking up space in my craft room.

Just one more horrific discovery for our families to make when we are tragically killed in a roof collapse at a Hustler Hollywood store.

Amy
Amy
13 years ago

One of our friends works for the company that makes The Liberator. They do also make other kids tumbling pillows, and the same shape is marketed for that purpose. We actually have a bean bag chair that is stuffed with the cast off pieces of extra foam and it is really comfortable. Maybe chop it up and make a bed for cat?

ginger
ginger
13 years ago

I share your pain, as trying to decide whether to put a Liberator (or, you know, two) into storage for three years or to ship it (them) to the far side of the planet means you have worried conversations about Freecycle and Craigslist. (The culmination of which is, “Oh GOD, what kind of freako wants a stranger’s used sex furniture? I don’t want to meet that person. I don’t want that person to know where I live, even. Even while I’m not living there. Maybe especially while I’m not living there.”)

serror
serror
13 years ago

I agree… Take the cover off, ditch that and then offer to a thrift store. Foam is expensive and someone might be delighted to have it without the sexual connotations it has for you.
Awesome funny post!

Beth
Beth
13 years ago

Freecycle curbside pickup.

Clueless But Hopeful Mama

Throw a tarp on it in the summer and run water from a hose at the top= a comfy water slide for the boys!

(or the curbside pick-up thing.)

Clueless But Hopeful Mama

HAHAHA! Just went to the Liberator webpage– did you see they have pics and videos of how to use it for yoga poses and pilates exercises?!? I think you gotta get creative.

Christina
13 years ago

Holy crap… that was like an abs of steel workout. I laughd so hard I have tears rolling down my cheeks. AND I totally need it, thanks!

mixette
mixette
13 years ago

They do twice a year cubside pickup of “bulky items” here. This is the week for my neighborhood and it’s hard not to look at people’s piles while I’m driving by or walking the dog.

Will keep an eye out for suspicious blue wedges now….

Kim
Kim
13 years ago

Can’t…see…through…tears of laughter. Oh my God, I needed that.

Kim
Kim
13 years ago

Linda…too funny. I have the wedge as well & my 19 month old uses it as a slide better with the cover off.
Also have the ramp which has been used to help elevate the head of the crib when the baby had a cold. At least it is being used right?

Caitlin
Caitlin
13 years ago

Ha! I use my small one as a reading pillow in bed now and I don’t even have kids! The big one’s in a closet somewhere…meh, fun to pull out for a special “event,” but generally things are doing just fine on their own without excessive foam and bulk getting up in the mix.

jenn
jenn
13 years ago

Hilarious! This line of thinking was why I didn’t hit “checkout” when I was very seriously considering a purchase a few months back. I just couldn’t imagine where we would store it or how we would one day get rid of it.

Lesley
Lesley
13 years ago

I’d mail it first class to President Bush. It would be a fitting going away gift for the man who views himself The Liberator of the century.

samantha jo campen
13 years ago

Oh, poor Wall-E! But then again he and Eee-vah could. . .okay nevermind.

SK
SK
13 years ago

Ha! I had to work hard not to snort tea out of my nose as I was reading this.

KP
KP
13 years ago

What a quandary! Loved this post, it made my day. Thanks :)

perl
perl
13 years ago

Seems much easier to get rid of than the seriously S&M-looking “Body Bouncer” that is collecting dust in our closet. And unfortunately ours doesn’t even look like a slide :(

wm
wm
13 years ago

How about freecycle? I found my post-birth sitz bath a new home as well as other weird items.

Sunny
Sunny
13 years ago

Cheee-rist. We just maniacally giggled through the same dilemma about 2 months ago. Our solution? We sliced it up like a grisly Sopranos episode and split the disposal between our home garbage can and the garbage can at my office. Getting rid of it was definitely Liberating! Like a few others mentioned, I had nightmares thinking about what would happen if either of our parental units had to comb through our belongings after a plane crash and stumbled upon “it”. Thankfully, the wedge is gone, but I fret about the dvds stashed behind our Nintendo Wii…..Ugh. I only pray I’m dead if my Mom ever opens that cabinet!!!

wordygirl
13 years ago

Okay, this is going to seem like a tangent for a minute, but I PROMISE there’s a point. A relevant one, even.

When you push out a baby, the hospital gives you a squeezey bottle which you are supposed to fill with warm water and use to cleanse your, er, area, for a while afterwards, because the mere thought of touching yourself even with toilet paper made of the purest fluffiest clouds and sprinkled with angel dust makes you cringe in agony. When I birthed Gwen in April, my midwife handed me the requisite bottle and explained its use. My doula then told me that in her experience, those bottles inevitably end up as bath toys for the kids whose entry into the world caused the bottles to be used in the first place.

I thought that was a little odd. But nevertheless the bottle was saved (and CLEANED) and last night, my husband threw it in the tub for Gwen to play with. Huh.

It does seem oddly fitting, actually.

In any case, I think you should just give the kids the slide. Why let the cushion go to waste? Cover it with some funky fabric and repurpose it. Call it eco-friendliness.

nonsoccermom
13 years ago

HA HA HA HA HA!! *dies*

sweetsalty kate
13 years ago

oh my god, you crack me up.

Marie Green
13 years ago

Oh, man, I have NO idea what I would do in your situation.

Can you donate to a thrift store that is NOT in your neighborhood. Like, somewhere along your long-assed commute, drop her off? I know of a few thrift stores that take donations that are left by the back delivery door, so you could put in there and run like hell.

In any case, it sure was funny to read about.

Ashley
13 years ago

Why don’t you just start using it again? ….was that the wrong thing to say?

jenB
13 years ago

I HONESTLY thought it was something people with back problems used to sleep. You know, like to relieve lower back pain. I am 39. Embarrassed for myself and well, somewhat for you. :-)

Haitian-American Famiy of Three

You could the real nw thing and just leave it on the sidewalk with a big ol’ FREE sign on it.
But, uh, not in font of your house.

ashley
13 years ago

I didn’t know they made special sex pillows.

Krissa
Krissa
13 years ago

@jenB – they DO make back pillows that look suspiciously similar, so don’t feel too bad!

Amanda
13 years ago

I’ve been reading for awhile now, but this is my first-ever comment…and it was “glueing fins to your vibrator and giving it to your kids to use as a ‘rocket'” that did me in. SO funny. Thanks for the laugh this morning!

No advice on the sex wedge, by the way. Just laughing at the imagery.

Rachel
Rachel
13 years ago

Definitely don’t take it to Goodwill — my local Goodwill won’t accept any type of pillow and I want to spare you the shame of being turned away.

Marin
13 years ago

I am fairly certain this is one of the funniest things I’ve read all month. Also, do you think this can be filed under “Things They Don’t Tell You Before You Have Kids?”

melanie
13 years ago

Had to Google what that was – I guess my sex life is rather sad too. It looks like a giant version of the pregnancy wedge pillow. Know any pregnant giants you could pass it along to?

Mary
Mary
13 years ago

You could wash the cover a few times and, you know, use it. For it’s intended purpose. Liberate the liberator.

Anonymous
Anonymous
13 years ago

So tempted to Google this contraption, but I’m at work.

Oh, hell. My last day is next week. I’m looking it up.

JennyW
13 years ago

Oh you crack me UP. The poor blue slide! I do have another idea though… tear the foam up & “re-fluff” Dog’s bed for her. Easy way to repurpose the foam without having to get out the sewing machine. Or let JB be all manly with a saw & cut it into strips/squares to pack Christmas ornaments in. Me being the “treehugger” over here, I could come up with a whole slew of ideas to keep that polyurethane nightmare out of a landfill, but I’ll just shut my hole for now.

Christine
Christine
13 years ago

All I know is this will make me think twice about ever purchasing a used kids “rocket” or “slide.” I have this horrifying (or hilarious) picture in my head of a nice unsuspecting grandma picking up a slide for her grandkids at the local Goodwill and proudly displaying it (with logo) in her living room. Would anyone ever have the guts to tell her? :)

Sonia
13 years ago

*Snort!* I laughed so hard at this post, I now have a headache!

Katie
Katie
13 years ago

I’m ashamed that we bought one of those “slides” and we use it quite a bit actually! And my boys have still not found our hiding place to abscond with it as a toy. Personally, I like it and it’s fun (even when the situation results in laughter instead of the other sounds). But I’m dreading the day that my kiddo’s or a relative discover it and my “toy stash” and the resulting questions and stares! Oh the horror!

And if I were to be disposing of the slide myself, I’d dismember it and in different bags dispose in random dumpsters down neighborhood alleys, not that I haven’t done that before, no never!

H
H
13 years ago

I was going to say what JennyW said first – chop it up and stuff it in Dog’s bed or pillow.