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Mar
18
She asked if I planned on having any more children and when I said no she mentioned the option of getting a tubal ligation during my C-section and I startled my own self by blurting NO. No, no, no. No I don’t plan on having more children, no I don’t want to rule out the possibility that I’ll change my mind.
But after he was born, my second child, I gave away my maternity clothes. I sent boxes across the country to pregnant friends, I filled bags for Goodwill. Hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars of tent-shaped items, even though it sort of broke my heart to do so. I remember carefully folding everything and stacking things in a trunk after my first pregnancy and the subsequent dusty nostalgic joy of unearthing them during my second. This time, there was nothing to save for.
Then I started giving away baby clothes. The tiny outfits that only fit a newborn, the blankets, the sleep sacks. With the exception of my very favorites which I plan to have made into a quilt someday, I gave it all away. More boxes. More bags. I gave away the swing, the Bumbo chair, the Bjorn carrier.
All that time, I thought, this is my last baby. There’s no need to hang on to this stuff. But in the very, very back of my mind, I thought: I can always buy more. If I need to. Because, I don’t know. Am I really never going to be pregnant ever again? Am I really never going to care for a brand-new baby, ever again? Is our family complete? Is everyone here?
(You are thinking, at this point, that now is when I tell you that I’m pregnant.)
I love my baby Dylan more than ever, and if anything my heart sustains new bruises every day at how quickly he’s moving away from babyhood. In actual walking steps: he’s running away from me. And oh, my Riley, my big kid. My babies are boys now, both of them, and those early, indescribable days of infanthood are over. Those days of pregnancy — of breathless anticipation and the marching miracle of growth — are over.
And for whatever reason, it’s only recently that I’ve truly believed, in every hallway of my heart, that I’m okay with that. I’m ready to say goodbye. To fold up those memories and place them, carefully, in the trunk of my soul. To carry them with me, but continue stepping forward. They will grow dusty, because that is the betrayal of our lives, but they will be there.
With me. With us. We are all here now.
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Loving, Lately
JR Watkins Vanilla is my new favorite body lotion. Love the smell, love the way it feels, love the awesome label design.
I may have mentioned it once or twice, but Breaking Bad is the best thing that has ever happened to television EVER. You should watch it right now.
Bob Book Series
Riley has honestly learned to read as a result of these little box sets. Cannot recommend enough.
This applesauce bread from Allrecipes is superfast, supereasy, and the kids love it (I leave out the spices).
I had to scroll ahead because I was definitely expecting the “I’m pregnant” line! :)
I haven’t been able to give away my baby stuff yet, but as we inch closer to diaper free days, it becomes more of a possibility!
Oh, I want that feeling. The knowing of a complete family. We only have one little one, and I know there are more who should be with us, but my doctors have said no more pregnancies. We got really lucky the last time and that’s going to be it–with pregnancies. Next stop on this journey? Foster care and/or adoption…I am just not sure who is going to pick us yet to complete our family. I hope I will gain that insight in the years to come.
I have always wanted three children. Once I had my three, I made sure we were done. With that said, sometimes I think about snuggling a fat warm little body. Luckily, I have baby cousins to snuggle.
I admit, I scrolled down too!
I wish I was as sure as you are about just the two. Some days for sure, but other days not so sure. We are high on the fence with this decision.
Today my 3 year old told me his baby brother wasn’t a baby anymore. “Mommy, he’s a little boy now huh!” and I said yes he is, just like you. My babies are little boys, how about that.
We knew going into our pregnancy with Emily that she would be our last. We wanted just one more.
And while I get teary about the fact that my three are no longer babies, I would WEEP FOR MONTHS if I were to be pregnant again.
Praise be to God for vasectomies.
I am crying right now because I totally know where you are coming from and I sometimes wonder if I am really done. I keep telling myself I am, but, I just don’t know.
We always planned for just the one. But always in the back of my head I wanted two. My husband is firmly on the one bench and so I guess I am too. But I can’t bring myself to give everything away.
My little guy is just making the move from baby to boy, and it’s starting to tug at my heartstrings. But we’re giving stuff away, too. I’m pretty sure we’re done.
You know, that is so sweet and I don’t even have kids.
and BTW_ I was so scrolling looking for the announcement of Sundry #3
even though i am someone without a husband and without children, it’s truly lovely to hear a statement such as “we are all here now”…it suggests that you & JB were waiting patiently until your family filled itself up… if I can believe it about your family, then I will try to believe it about myself. I patiently believe that all my dreams will come true one day, just as yours have with your solid unit of four.
I feel the exact same way. We found out after #2 was born that I shouldn’t ever get pregnant again, as my body does a freaking awesome job of decimating my baby’s platelets.
So I guess we’re done. We should be. One boy, one girl- now both healthy and beautiful. God made our decision for us. But the older Aubrey gets (she’s 7 months old) the sadder and sadder I get about it.
I’m definitely wondering if my family is all here… for now we’re taking it one day at a time though and not making any decisions lightly…
Very well written post! When do I get to order my Sundry book? You really are a great writer.
The girls turned three on February first. I didn’t realize how big they were until my cousin had a baby, and I realized I could never carry both girls up the stairs in the crooks of my elbows. That damn near made me cry.
I want to feel done, or to not feel done, but I still waffle about it EVERY. DAY. Here’s the thing: I want another BABY, but I’m not sure I want 4 kids… Grah.
My family is full a boy and a girl, picture perfect and adorable. I don’t want to have more kids, I love and enjoy what I have now.
I loved being pregnant but didn’t really take the time to enjoy it. I would love another pregnancy to celebrate, another baby to snuggle with, but I am damn sure that I don’t want another child.
My family is done and complete, I just wish my body knew that and I felt complete too.
I don’t know how you do it . . .I’ve been thinking these same thoughts. We are done- our family is complete with a 3yr old and a 2yr old, but I LOVED being pregnant, and recently I’ve started walking by all the little clothes in stores, realizing that now I’m past that stage. sniffle sniffle.
I’ve given most everything away except for those few precious tiny outfits too. I knew after my 1st that there was still a person missing in our family portrait. And then we had #2 and it felt right and more complete. And even though I’m 99% sure I’m done, and hubby SAYS we’re done, I wonder if I’m done. I wonder if I’ll ever truly say “I’m 100% done. Never again.” Because while I could never plan a 3rd, if it happened, I probably wouldn’t be sad for long.
They grow oh-so-fast.
Oh, I love this post. We had two, and five years later had a third. I feel like we’re done…sort of. I want to be able to give each of them the time they need. I don’t think I want four children, but there is nothing like holding a brand-new baby. I’m very slowly starting to give away the brand new baby stuff, but like you said, I can always buy more.
You sure are on a roll with these posts, Linda. Beautiful.
Absolutely beautiful post. I often want to comment and tell you how much I love reading your essays, how moving I find so much of what you write, but it always sounds so trite that I just read (and re-read!) your posts and then move on. You are a gifted writer, and I treasure your work!
I love this. After we had our two boys, my husband was quite certain we were done, and I was quite certain I was going to have a daughter. We had long talks, and I PROMISED I would be happy with three boys, and we tried again. It’s lucky we got our girl, because if we hadn’t, I would still be bugging him for a girl, and I am about to turn 48.
I never thought I would hear myself say this, but I kind of, sort of am ready to be a grandma. Because I so love those tiny little people, and I don’t want any more of my own, but I will never be done loving on them.
“Is everyone here?” I love that question. I never really thought of it that way. It’s nice to have the definitive answer.
I. know. so ditto to that.
I don’t want to piss on your cornflakes or anything, but I felt the same way after my second baby. I felt like ‘okay, world, here’s our family, mom and dad with toddler daughter and baby son, here we are.’
And now we are nearly 10 y/o daughter and 7 y/o son, and baby (18 months now) makes five.
I’m just saying, you don’t have to pin yourself down and pinky swear that you won’t have anymore kids. Things change, feelings change, people change. And that’s okay, too.
I knew I was done after 10 years of soul-sucking infertility treatments and an ocean of tears (resulting in my two boys, five years apart) when I thought I was pregnant and I DIDN’T WANT TO BE. That was quite the freeing revelation for me, and I have never looked back!
This post gave me goosebumbs. I have spent the last 10 years on and off trying to decide if I want to have children. It has done my head in!
And after a couple of years of being quiet and thoughtful I have been able to make my peace, in every hallway of my heart, that I really don’t want to be a parent.
And this is a good choice for me.
I feel quite free by this decision and altogether ‘full’ within myself. Coming to this decision hasn’t been easy but it has enabled me to move on and grow and start making plans that I was always putting off.
It’s a wonderful feeling of YEAH BRING IT ON!
I am so with you, girl. When I was planning for c-section #2, my doc asked the same question, and I opted to have her take care of things while she was in there. If I hadn’t, my husband would’ve made an immediate appointment for the big V. He’s 42, I’m 36, we’re getting too old for this shit. There is nothing quite like being pregnant, the anticipation, holding a brand new baby… but I DO NOT WANT ANY MORE CHILDREN.
Another stellar post. Thank you for this. I think we, too, will be at this point soon. There is always a last baby, even if you end up with eighteen. There is a final one, a sense of grief, and also a sense of relief.
Linda, this is beautifully written.
I feel like I suddenly turned around and I have two kids, and no babies. Mine are going to be 5 and 3 in a month and I am looking around wondering where my babies went and also wondering: how do I parent children, and who am I if not the harried mother of a baby? I am getting the tug again to have another and I think I will. But this taste of being a mom to older kids has made me sad.
With a 12 year old and an 8 year old, I’ve reached the point where, when I see small ones, under 2 or so, I always sort of state how thankful I am to be past that stage. Having 2 kids that have conversations and opinions and actual lives is so much more interesting than the diaper/sleepless nights stage.
We loved the baby stage, while in it, but now a taste of tweendom has made me realize that it’s only getting better.
It’s even harder when you only have 1 and know you are never going to do it again, and not by your own choice.
Did someone start meditating or something?!?!?! Did you have a near death experience?!?! Can your next post be about flesh eating zombies so I don’t CRY AT WORK!!!
My children are very close in age to yours, and I too had repeat c-sections but chose to have a tubal with my second. My husband and I said when we got married that we wanted a boy and a girl two years apart…and my daughter and son are 5 days shy of two years apart. So we got what we asked for literally!
Both of your posts hit home in more ways than one and I had to make several trips to the bathroom to blot my eyes and make sure I didn’t have mascara running down my face…thanks a lot JERK! lol
I love this post. It’s so succinct and poetic.
I decided against having my tubes tied because it is just so permanent. Forever is forever and I just can’t commit to that.
I wish I was a sure as you. To think of never holding a fat warm fuzzy bundle of baby – MY baby – again breaks my heart. But I’ve had two dreams I was pregnant again and was startled at how visceral my no, no, NO reaction was.
Am so with all of you that want another baby, but not another child to raise. As my “one and done” little boy turns 8 months today, I totally feel you on how quickly they seem more like little boys than babies. With friends recently having babies, I think longingly of the excitment and anticipation of pregnancy and birth and those fragile tiny little infant days.
But then I also think about how I now finally have time to cook a meal again, how we can get out more, how I can put him down at 7:00 for the night instead of holding him every evening for 3 hours of on and off screaming, and I know one is the right decision.
We knew from the beginning that one was the right choice for us-considering the help we needed to create him and the lifestyle we want to be able financially to provide for him (and let’s be honest, ourselves). What I find strange is that whenever I tell someone that we’re not having any more, they always laugh like it’s some temporary attitude brought on by sleep deprivation and that we’ll change our minds.
However, we are serious. Despite our fertility troubles, my husband is going to get the big V, just to be on the safe side.
I feel very much the same way. We have two kids and I feel a sense of this is the team we were destined to become. I opted for the tubal since I was 40 when #2 was born. I don’t feel like anything is missing but my husband and I have talked about it and we both agree that if we had been 10 or even 5 years younger we might have had a third.
I really enjoy your writing.
I’ve not been able to bring myself to do it yet….despite having a viciously bad birth experience which left me SWEARING I’d not do it again…(think permanent damage)….BUT despite that….I can’t do it. And I KNOW we’ll adopt….but what I don’t KNOW is whether I’ll try for another baby. I just DONT know.
One day I might though….One day I hope to be comfortable and honest and say “we are all here”.
I am glad for you that you can finally say this.
I still don’t believe it myself in all the hallways of my heart, even though I answer no to those asking if we’re having a third.
Ah, that was so beautiful. I do remember when my son was a newborn thinking that, later, when we were on our last one, all that newborn joy would be tempered with some sadness that that would be the last.
I started buying newborn neutral color baby clothes when my husband and I decided it was time for us to start a family. I have boxes of clothes from friends and family that they have given me in anticipation of our family. I have a onesie hanging dead center in our closet that we look at every day that I bought at Baby Gap that is white with little blue airplanes on it. It has a matching cap and socks. It is adorable. This will be the outfit that my newborn comes home in. I go to the newborn section of stores, buy gifts for friends who are welcoming babies and have to stop myself from buying something for our first child. It has been nine years and I still cannot bring myself to giving the clothes, toys, bathing accessories, etc. away because maybe some day I will have the chance to use them for my own child. I can’t imagine boxing up these necessities if my child actually wore them. I have come to terms that there is a great possibility that I will never have children. Nine years is a long time to try and doctors cannot tell me why I can’t get pg. I guess it is kind of the same thing you may be going through with the decision not to have any more children. It is probably time to pass these things on to people who can actually use them…. Like you said, “I can always buy more”.
Your post broke my hear this morning. I went through the same thing after my second child was born. Due to medical reasons we cannot have more, so I have to say two is enough. Sometimes I wonder if things were different if I would want more. When I see a pregnant woman rubbing her belly or a mother nursing her infant, I still have that longing for another baby. I cried the day I packed up all of our baby gear and gave it away. I kept a few small things to remind me of my children’s infant days, but it breaks my heart every time I find something else we will never have a use for.
My kids are just a few months younger than yours & I’ve been packing away baby things as well, but haven’t had the heart to get rid of them …yet. I’m pretty sure I’m done, but oh – warm, fuzzy babies!
And then there are the days when my 2 are grating on my last nerve & I’m thinking, why on earth would I want another one of THESE? :)
If you do decide to do it though, tubal ligation is the way to go. One of the few things I’ve never regretted.
And now I have the “I am here and you are here and we are here, and we are all together”, song in my head.
You’ll have daughters when they marry, and won’t have to worry about raising them. WIN!
Beautiful. Have been going through the same thought process lately.
My youngest is 14 and I still have horrific pangs of want…
When you are done, you know it.
I am having a terrible fight with this question right now, my twin boys are 3, we always knew we would have a third and now here he is sleeping in the bassinet beside me, just barely a month old. After now having three in the house I can say a bit more assuredly that we are done, I guess I FEEL done in some ways, where I didn’t before but I still can hear that voice in my head saying, but if I did get PG again in a couple years, would that be a bad thing?
I am definitely more in the done camp than the maybe one more camp. Actually leaning more toward the, go ahead and get the V honey, and someday, if we feel the need and desire, we can adopt the little girl we didn’t get, a girl of 2 or so maybe because this infant stage? Ugh, God help me – I forgot, oh how I forgot how foggy everything can be during this time. We are 35 and 40 now and are just getting too old to be depriving ourselves of sleep this way. :) I really have no desire to be PG again either, though the resulting snuggly baby makes that part worth it.
I am happy for you that you feel at peace with your decision. Wonderfully written post, as always.
I know what you mean about feeling done. After my first was about 2.5 or 3, I started to really want a second. After years of miscarriages and problems getting pregnant and just about giving up and telling myself to get comfortable with one child (I’m an only, I loved it, I love my son), I finally got pregnant and this one is sticking. I know in my heart this child completes my family. My husband is getting a vasectomy this afternoon and it is the right decision.
Now, I just need to get together with some of your commenters who want more babies, but no more kids – I wanted another child, not another baby – maybe we can work a trade ;-)
Oh this brought tears to my eyes. My babies are now 11 and 13. I thought I was done, I thought I would never want to go back to that again. Right now I want a baby so bad that I ache. I am 36 and I know it’s my clock tick tick ticking. I don’t care. I still want one.
I have chills from your writing over here!
“And for whatever reason, it’s only recently that I’ve truly believed, in every hallway of my heart, that I’m okay with that. I’m ready to say goodbye. To fold up those memories and place them, carefully, in the trunk of my soul. To carry them with me, but continue stepping forward. They will grow dusty, because that is the betrayal of our lives, but they will be there.”
I realize you were writing this about your complete family, but as a single, baby-less woman, I think the above paragraph can work for a lot of LIFE – goodbyes, break ups, changes, etc.
Thank you for writing this.
I had my tubes tied with my second c-section. I mourn that I will never see that second line appear on a stick I just paid 10 bucks for, just so I could pee on it. I celebrate that I will never have a baby jump on my bladder but mourn that I will never feel that first flutter and know “you are there! you are within me!” My youngest is 2 1/2 and I know that our family is complete. But when he was just past his first birthday, as Dylan is, is when I went “oh man, that was a really final decision to have those suckers chopped up…” Now that he’s bigger, I feel great joy in unloading the burden of baby items and am looking forward to soccer practice and popsicle faced kisses.
This is just beautiful.
Quite simply: beautiful. Love this personal look at a particular life stage and the thoughts and feelings that go along with it.
I wonder if your lingering indecision was in part because you were right in the middle of pregnancy, birth, and infanthood. If your heart, mind, and body are fully engaged in all of that, I think it makes sense that it’s hard to be simultaneously deciding against it.
I’m not sure I’m ready to move on yet. It’s breaking my heart to pack away each set of MJ’s clothes. He’s already 17 pounds at four months so he’s in the 6 month clothes and I’m totally not ready.
But I also don’t want to be pregnant again, good lord.
This is hard.
Oh, this was so wonderful. Truly, a remarkable post. A remarkable place to be.
You made my pregnant hormonal ass cry in my cube – I can’t wait until ONE is here, much less, “we are all here”. You have a beautiful family!
I totally thought you were going to say you were pregnant too :)
Since my husband and I met later in life (we met in our mid-30s), this decision is going to be a bit easier for us because we do not have much of a choice. We had our little boy when I was almost 37 and now we are in the beginning stages of our second pregnancy and I am 39. There is no room for more kids on the horizon so I guess I can be glad that the decision is going to be made for us.
I am sad to think that this is the last pregnancy; the last time to feel a baby kick inside of me and to feel the warmth of our own tiny baby in my arms. I am sad to think of no more first smiles, first steps, etc. But, I am just so thankful that we had the opportunity to make a family at all. I had begun to think that it just was not going to be possible.
I have a 4 year old girl and a 2 year old boy – the absolute perfect family, right?! Then can someone tell me why I cried like a little baby when, just last week, we sold all of their baby items? (infant bathtub, walker, snugli, etc?).
I have a nutjob 2.5yr old and a 6 month old and I am sosososo tired and never want to be pregnant again. And I want to go back to Vienna and Hawaii in the next 5-10 years. But there’s a little voice on my shoulder that peeps at me here and there and she says Wait for Me!
Arrrgh. To have resolution like you have would be a beautiful thing.
I was reading this and I read the post before. I had a second reaction after my first which was, of course, wow, deep, wonderful, well-written, thought provoking. The second reaction? Oh, that girl was tired, look how she writes after getting some rest. (said as a compliment and with fondness)
When you make me cry at work, there should be a little disclaimer in the title. Something along the lines of, “heh, I’m going to turn you into a blubbery mess now, so cowboy up.” I’m just sayin..
Our son was 4 when our daughter was born and I knew then we “were all here”. My husband was never quite so sure but he went ahead and had the big V when she was 18 months old. I’ve never regretted it but as others have said, I do love me some babies and wish like hell our now adult kids would have us some grandbabies.
Another great post today!
So beautifully written! And very touching!
VERY touched by these last two entries.
My mom told me something the other day that was kind of a revelation, “Even if you decide that x number of children is what’s right for you, don’t be scared to mourn that you’ll no longer be pregnant. It’s okay.”
It was all Deep-Thoughts-by-Jack-Handey and made total sense.
I did the man snip thing after #2 (or #3, or #4, depends on how you want to count ‘em, not relevant at the moment). And I hear you, every word.
We’ve been done for 23 years and I still wonder sometimes, and think what if. But I don’t really seriously regret any of it, and you put it very well: “we are all here now”. Good words.
What a nice feeling that must be. I’m so happy for you guys, and I think you’ve created an awesome family.
I love that question, “is everyone here?”. It’s so perfect, and so lovely.
How do you do it? How do you know? I know. You just do. You just know it. Maybe I’m just not at that stage of my life yet. I recently had a pregnancy scare – which is an oxymoron for a previously infertile like myself. And yet there I was, freaking out, because we can’t afford another. Can my body afford another? And yet…and yet, I find myself thinking…well, so, are we done then? And the answer is still…I don’t know.
I look forward to the day I do know, that I am okay with my little family. I love my babies more than anything, and while I do firmly feel that all is right in my family, it still makes me ache to know this might be it…you know? I dunno. Maybe I’m babbling. But thank you for eloquently putting my emotional give and take into words so beautifully once again.
I was definitely expecting an announcement too…and I think I found one, it was just different from what I thought it would be.
Which should teach me to judge a book by it’s cover!
Anyway, this is such an incredibly difficult and momentous choice to make. Congratulations on finding peace with the path you’ve chosen =)
My babies are 19, 15, and 3years. I thought after the older 2 that I’d never experience pregnancy, nursing, and a wonderful newborn again. I’d look at our family photos and think…it’s not finished. Then I got pregnant and miscarried. I grieved for that little one for a long time. My little 3 year old son (all boys)is truly a gift to our family. Now, finally, we’re complete. I thank God every day for my three beautiful boys. Oh, and I’m crying again…thanks!
I love this, but it made me cry.
Great post. I’m having my second daughter tomorrow at 12:30pm, scheduled C-section. And I’m having a tubal. I’ll be 36 in May, and although I know I could have more, the thought terrifies me. Scares me to have 2. But I know once I meet Miss Olivia tomorrow, this pregnancy will have been worth it. All 9 months of shots in the belly with blood thinners since I got a blood clot after I had my first daughter. I don’t want to mess with a good thing.
I’m crying, a little bit, because–MAN. I know. I KNOW. This was beautiful.
Beautifully, beautifully written, Linda. I can’t wait to read your first book. :)
[...] I also got all emotional reading Sundry’s post because well, here I am, doing the same thing. Having those same thoughts. I’ve never wanted a whole gaggle of children. For most of my life I saw myself with two. Two keeps things even. Two keeps a 1:1 ratio with parents. Two means there is no odd-man out. Two means we don’t have to own a van. Two means we can all fit in one hotel room. I think two is a good number and I think my temperment is adequately challenged by two….three might be pushing it. [...]
Due in June with #2, I hope I know! Above all, I love this post for reminding Mom’s to appreciate every little moment because it goes by so fast!
I am done. SO. DONE.
but I’m afraid of making that permenant …because, you just never know. right?
so this post really resonated with me. A lot.
I loved your post. It was really beautiful
Eloquently stated. When you know, you just KNOW.
You know?
We have two, a boy and a girl, and after a very rocky pregnancy/early delivery with the baby (now 1) we’ve been told NOT to do it again. Which is heartbreaking to me, but also in a very small way, nice to know that we are the family we will be. I don’t think it is ever easy, under any circumstances, to know you’ve had your last.
I totally feel like you. I had my 3rd son in Oct but at the time of my c-section I did have a tubal ligation. I was sad honestly at first esp the thought of never being pregnant again and feeling that life growing inside. But I have since had this overwhelming feeling that we are a complete family now. Infact I had our first family Christmas card picture taken, and recently bought their Easter basket’s w/the liner personalized all the same (b/c I didn’t want them to ask why is his different) So I know how you feel.