• I just went and tried to shoo three large, gang-banger-looking pigeons off the birdfeeder where they had scared off all our songbirds and were taking turns trying to balance on the narrow feeder edge with their giant stupid pigeon bodies while flapping around all crazy-like and spilling sunflower seeds everywhere and I say gang-banger because the minute I walked out towards the window flapping my own arms and yelling “HEY!” they turned their beady pigeon eyes to me and were like, BITCH I’MA CUTCHOO and I was like fuck, sorry, my bad, because that’s when I noticed they each had a tiny teardrop tattooed on their face. DUDE.

• Earlier this morning I was at this madhouse of a children’s play area and at the exact moment when both of my eyes had migrated to either side of my skull from the strain of trying to keep track of two kids, each racing all willy-nilly from one attraction to the other as though they had turbofans attached to their rear ends, a very nice girl introduced herself to me as a blog reader, and I was like, HI IT IS NICE TO OH EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO BLUDGEON MY CHILDREN WITH STICKS NOW HA HA HAAA, or something like that, and it was exactly like how I imagined it would be to run into a blog reader, except for the part where I looked like some kind of brain-damaged lady with unwashed hair who couldn’t even keep track of her own offspring, not that I had temporarily lost track of my three-year-old while the baby was busy licking a filthy metal step, or anything.

• Also at this play area they have a tiny basket with a sign that says “MOUTHED TOYS” and I don’t know what my goddamn problem is but I think it’s the funniest thing ever.

• No, wait, actually the funniest thing ever was this balloon my coworker got yesterday at the office as part of a 10-year anniversary celebration for him, like yay you’ve been working here ten years have a balloon and some cookies, and anyway the balloon was shaped like a monkey holding a partially peeled banana and the banana was right at the bottom of the monkey between where his monkey legs would have been if the balloon featured legs and as soon as I saw it I was like OH MY GOD THAT THING IS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE right in front of the entire staff who was gathered in the cafeteria and then because I never know when to stop I was all, see, it’s like the banana is his penis! IT’S LIKE A YELLOW MONKEY DICK! THAT HE’S HOLDING WITH HIS HAND! HE’S TOTALLY JERKING HIS MONKEY-MEAT ON THIS BALLOON DID YOU GET IT AT A PORN SHOP? OH MY GOD! AM I ALONE HERE? DO YOU SEE IT? DO YOU SEE THE BIG FAT YELLOW MONKEY BONER?

And then I was fired, the end.

Comments

74 Responses to “Bullets”

  1. Amy on May 7th, 2009 11:00 pm

    OMFG….my sides hurt. I don’t know what’s better, the post or the comments. And the fact that someone found the balloon!!!! You all rock. Was having seriously stressed out day and now I’m sitting here gasping for breath and goofy dog is staring at me like I’m ape shit crazy!! Thank you all!

  2. superblondgirl on May 8th, 2009 7:02 am

    Reason # 8 million that I love you – the monkey penis thing is like something I would do. And, actually, have done at work before. Only no one ever got a creepy monkey banana dong balloon here, but we manage to make penis jokes and fisting jokes and all that good stuff anyway.
    So, yeah, you make me feel better about my dirty, dirty mind, when even my husband sometimes looks at me like “ew, you are a 12 year old boy and that totally doesn’t look like a dick”.
    Which, BTW, have you seen the Quizno’s commerical? Where the oven says “put it in me, Steve”? because, yeah. It is awesome. But the only show it occasionally as a special late-night commercial treat.

  3. Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com on May 8th, 2009 8:37 am

    The monkey balloon CRACKED ME UP. I would have paid good money to see that =P

  4. GodivaEyes on May 8th, 2009 9:35 am

    There’s a tractor supply place out in the boondocks near where I live called “B.J. Tool”. I can’t see it without cracking up.

  5. penne on May 8th, 2009 6:57 pm

    Just clicked the link to the children’s museum…and am laughing at all the gentle reminders that REMEMBER – CHILDREN MUST BE ACCOMPANIED BY AN ADULT…in the playroom for 1-4 year olds. Because apparently folks have just been dropping off toddlers and heading for the saloon. Not a bad idea, really.

  6. Danielle on May 8th, 2009 8:39 pm

    OMG, I was going to ask for a picture of this damn monkey and his yellow boner, and then I saw the comment with the picture, and OMG! What the hell??? A monkey balloon after 10 years at the job? A f-ing balloon? And one with a damn animal jerking off, at that!?

  7. Audubon Ron on May 8th, 2009 9:22 pm

    I saw a racoon raiding my birdfeeder early eveningish. I walked near the tree and it was all signs and “yo, back de-own yo before I eat your ducks.” I got my rifle with night vision and night lite (don’t do those at the same time, it will hurt your eyes) and I said, “Die dawg,” got three rounds off. The next day my tree was spray painted with with something about King Coon Asses so I made the ducks ride the bus to school. Meanwhile my pitbull mix Zelda was just laying out there and all saying, “Honey, this just ain’t a priority to me.”

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