Reasons not to run this morning:
1. Dylan came down with a fever yesterday and didn’t sleep well, which means I didn’t sleep well, and by the way if you’re playing along at home this marks the fourth consecutive week of childhood illness in my house and I don’t mean to exaggerate or anything but I’m pretty sure WE ARE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE.
2. Which is to say, I would really rather be sitting around cramming cookies in my Nutter-Butter-hole right now, because I no longer drink and have no access to any good drugs and how else am I going to self-medicate?
3. I don’t even like running. My nose runs and my arms feel all stupid and dangly and I gasp and heave the whole time like I’m on the verge of cardiac arrest and my spit gets all gluey and disgusting.
4. My butt looks jiggly in these new running pants. I don’t mean bouncy. I mean jiggly. There may in fact be an audible flapping sound involved.
5. I hate runners. They’re all a bunch of self-righteous douchebags who are probably a total drag to be around, yapping all the time about intervals and tempo paces and shit while they gnaw incessantly on celery stalks and those stupid overpriced energy squares which hello, are just Gummi Bears in square form. Ooh, look at me eating a $3 square Gummi Bear, I’m an athlete. Plus, sometimes they run so much they shit their own pants. You know what I would rather do than shit my own pants? Fucking ANYTHING AT ALL, that’s what. Runners are gross.
6. There is a perfectly good ass-shaped dent in my couch, and I for one think sitting on it is probably the environmentally correct thing to do. My carbon footprint is nonexistent on this couch. I am living green, unlike you heartless planet-killers lacing up your running shoes which were probably manufactured out of emissions-producing non-sustainable polar bear fetus.
7. It’s cold outside.
8. And dark. Also, there is weather.
9. I haven’t even had any coffee yet. What kind of tragic, punishing, fucked-up existence is this, exercising before coffee? Am I in HELL?
10. I don’t want to, okay? Jesus, isn’t that good enough?
Reasons to do it anyway:
It makes me feel like I’m capable of doing anything I set my mind to.