Reasons not to run this morning:

1. Dylan came down with a fever yesterday and didn’t sleep well, which means I didn’t sleep well, and by the way if you’re playing along at home this marks the fourth consecutive week of childhood illness in my house and I don’t mean to exaggerate or anything but I’m pretty sure WE ARE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE.

2. Which is to say, I would really rather be sitting around cramming cookies in my Nutter-Butter-hole right now, because I no longer drink and have no access to any good drugs and how else am I going to self-medicate?

3. I don’t even like running. My nose runs and my arms feel all stupid and dangly and I gasp and heave the whole time like I’m on the verge of cardiac arrest and my spit gets all gluey and disgusting.

4. My butt looks jiggly in these new running pants. I don’t mean bouncy. I mean jiggly. There may in fact be an audible flapping sound involved.

5. I hate runners. They’re all a bunch of self-righteous douchebags who are probably a total drag to be around, yapping all the time about intervals and tempo paces and shit while they gnaw incessantly on celery stalks and those stupid overpriced energy squares which hello, are just Gummi Bears in square form. Ooh, look at me eating a $3 square Gummi Bear, I’m an athlete. Plus, sometimes they run so much they shit their own pants. You know what I would rather do than shit my own pants? Fucking ANYTHING AT ALL, that’s what. Runners are gross.

6. There is a perfectly good ass-shaped dent in my couch, and I for one think sitting on it is probably the environmentally correct thing to do. My carbon footprint is nonexistent on this couch. I am living green, unlike you heartless planet-killers lacing up your running shoes which were probably manufactured out of emissions-producing non-sustainable polar bear fetus.

7. It’s cold outside.

8. And dark. Also, there is weather.

9. I haven’t even had any coffee yet. What kind of tragic, punishing, fucked-up existence is this, exercising before coffee? Am I in HELL?

10. I don’t want to, okay? Jesus, isn’t that good enough?

Reasons to do it anyway:

It makes me feel like I’m capable of doing anything I set my mind to.


62 Responses to “Decision tree”

  1. Sara on October 29th, 2009 6:55 am

    You are so made of win.

    By the time you get to the half in NOLA, I promise your ass will no longer be jiggly in your running pants. :)

    And you’re totally right about the square Gummy Bears.

  2. Michelle on October 29th, 2009 6:57 am

    thanks for the inspiration. as a world-class procrastinator, this really helped to shift my perspective. thank you…

  3. Julie @ The Mom Slant on October 29th, 2009 8:38 am

    Jealous of how running apparently acts as a laxative for everyone in the world except me. Those Nutter Butters and $3 gummy bears sit like a rock inside me and weigh my ass down while I’m hauling it up a hill.

  4. sdg on October 29th, 2009 8:58 am

    “It makes me feel like I’m capable of doing anything I set my mind to.” – I dont think you need that reason. I think proof of that already exists in your world already. Youve given birth twice already, you put down alcohol, you ran to the top of a TALL BUILDING! Honestly there are a million things in your life that should prove that to you everyday. Running doesnt need to be one of them. ;)

  5. Erin on October 29th, 2009 9:35 am

    I admire you because, in my world, the reasons NOT to almost always win over the more important reason TO. My brain goes “you know you can do it, but you’re choosing to do this instead” and then I loaf around for a while and then I get mad at myself and then its time to start my “real” day of working, running errands, etc. So…you rock!

  6. sarah on October 29th, 2009 9:48 am

    You make me want to be a runner. Seriously.

  7. ErinM on October 29th, 2009 12:42 pm

    Amen on the gluey spit. I hate that!

  8. B on October 29th, 2009 5:29 pm

    Oh, and not to sound like a nag, but PLEASE (please) buy one of these:

  9. Frannie on October 30th, 2009 6:44 am

    How I miss all the snooty runners..NOT..Amen to #5. I do miss running and can’t wait to start running seriously after having the baby. For now, I’ll deal with walking fast and trying to squeeze my butt together like I have a wedge.

  10. Amy on October 30th, 2009 7:27 am

    The thing about running in gross weather is that it actually makes you feel like more of a badass.

    One time I was out running and it started to snow (which for a lot of people wouldn’t be a big deal at all but I live in NC and it snows like once every three years here or something), anyway, I’m running, I notice that it’s snowing and suddenly I just felt like, wow, I am SO AWESOME, I can do anything, I am running in the freaking SNOW. Nevermind that it was just snow flurries.

    Also, running when it’s cold helps me keep my pace up– because if you slow down when it’s cold, then YOU get cold. Keep running, stay warm. That’s motivation.

  11. Amy on October 30th, 2009 2:25 pm

    Ouch to #5. I run and I promise I have never shat my pants. I’m not gross – although I DO smell gross when I’m done. What are we? Addicts. Running addicts precisly because of the last thing you said in your post. Keep going!

  12. ShockedC on October 30th, 2009 3:42 pm

    So I’ve never commented before but I do read your hilarities.

    Tonight is my first 5k….I think its OK to be last. Someone has to right?
    I CAN do this. Repeat over and over until ambulance takes me away..

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