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Aug
18
The other day I read that Paul Reubens—you know, Pee-Wee Herman—still protests his innocence over that unsavory arrest in 1991 when he was allegedly caught jerking off in a porn theater. His proof? Here’s what he says:
“Had we gone to trial, we had ready an expert from the Masters and Johnson Institute who was going to testify that in 30 years of research on masturbation the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her nondominant hand. “
Now, I didn’t go on to read the entire article so maybe it eventually becomes clear that he was making that up. I mean, 30 years of research? Not one person chokes the chicken/slaps the mackerel with a nondominant hand? I call bullshit. Surely most of us could get creative if the other hand was busy, like, holding a bucket of popcorn in a movie theater or whatever.
Then I thought about it, and realized that I only use my left hand. My dominant hand, if we’re categorizing hands into the one that addresses holiday cards and the one that rides bitch. I don’t think I could use my right hand if my life depended on it, assuming there was a really bizarre terrorist-demands-orgasm situation going on.
Frankly, I’m less of a fingers-do-the-walking and more of an Energizer-bunny gal when it comes you, you know, taking a solo trip to the happy place. What can I say, I value efficiency. But I can’t imagine using my right hand, even to hold the battery-powered device in question. It’d be like the difference between signing my name in cursive flourishes with my left hand, then switching to my right in order to stroke-victimly scrawl out LNDO.
According to my extensive Masturbate My Johnson Institute study of one, I could sort of see where Mr. Reuben’s coming from. (Back row, aisle seat, guy with the handkerchief.) I got curious about what dudes had to say about this, though, so naturally I went to Twitter. My question was if guys ever used their nondominant hand for personal solitary activities, and here are some of the responses:
My husband uses his non-dominant hand when he’s…handling things himself.
Learned how when I broke my hand. Now I’m sort of ambidextrous. TMI?
I write, box and throw right-handed; ‘Personal Solitary Activities’, left-handed 99% of the time.
Of course, if we didn’t the calluses would start to rub us the wrong way.
I then asked JB, who said he couldn’t be sure unless he was doing it, so maybe we should retire to the bedroom and, like, see for ourselves? Then he admitted that he prefers the left hand. The non-dominant hand.
So, maybe Pee-Wee was engaged in hand-to-gland combat in that theater all these years ago, and maybe he wasn’t, but I still say shenanigans on his so-called proof of innocence. Unless self-pleasure ambidextrousness has greatly improved since 1991, perhaps as a result of texting? Someone should do a study on this. In fact, I will. Give me a research grant and a day of Twitter access and we’ll, you know, bang this thing out.
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84 Responses to “Love the one you’re with”
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I peed my pants laughing. You are brilliant!
You’re a great writer. Has anyone told you that lately? Well, you are.
I love you how go from the trials of putting your baby to sleep one day to this.
If a man can’t masturbate in a porn theater, where CAN he masturbate? This is not what our Founding Fathers had in mind.
oh my, you’re funny.
This, right here, is the reason you are my favorite blogger EVER. I adore you. The end.
OMG are you too much. I saw that article and while I don’t care enough whether he was guilty or not, I called bullshit on his reasoning.
That was awesome.
I am right handed, I write with my right hand. I eat with my left hand.
When I took a human sexuality class (and in casual conversations with gay men, or, you know, with my boyfriend) I have found that men OVERWHELMINGLY prefer using their non-dominant hand for masturbation.
According to the first gay man with whom this came up, he said it felt “more like someone else” was doing the er, stimulation that way.
I prefer my dominant (left) hand though. I have tried with the other, but it’s just not the same.
I call shenanigans on ol’ Pee Wee.
When you get your research grant I think you need to add a tangent. Is it possible that the, er, rise of usage in the non-dominant hand has increased in proportion to the availability of internet porn/chat/skype? Have to be able to do the deed and type out your O at the same time so do you use the dominant hand for typing or, well, skyping (if you know what I mean)?
Speaking for myself, actually no, speaking for all your devoted fans, especially those of us who know of the random lube, we would be glad to give you a hand with that study….
What? Like you wouldn’t have said it.
I write lefty, everything else, righty. So so wrong, lol!
I don’t buy that men overwhelmingly use the non-dominant hand, but I thought it was well known that for “the strange” men use the other hand. You can also sit on it for a few minutes first so it goes numb, and then it feels even more like someone else is doing it.
I would be astounded if sex researchers had never heard of this, and if so they need to be fired & find jobs they don’t suck at so much. :P
My husband had a high school friend who claimed to use his non-dominant hand because “it feels like someone else is doing it.” Oh, poor sad high school boy who can’t get a hand job…
I often use both hands. Just sayin’.
Hilarious! Laughed so hard at this!
I can’t imagine doing with my non-dominant hand. Too awkward.
Both.
Awesome. And hilarious!!
I asked my very proper British husband about this. He got red-faced, laughed, and said, “I don’t know, but I think that’s crap.” (Meaning Pee-Wee’s theory of handedness.)
Personally, I can use my battery-powered device with either hand. But maybe I’m just a weirdo on that one.
“Terrorist-demands-orgasm situation” Thanks for the new creepy fantasy scenario!
Hilarious! And awesome!
(I just typed that comment and then looked up to see nonsoccermom’s. I guess we think alike!)
“stroke-victimly scrawl out LNDO” killed me.
I love you.
Not sure about the dominant vs. non-dominant hand thing, but I have heard if you sit on your hand until it falls asleep, then it feels like a stranger is doing it. There’s one to throw in the ole arsenal.
Wow. When are you going to write your book? Toddler sleeping trials, lousy commuting struggles, and questions about “flying solo.” I love your writing!
You are hilarious. My face hurts from grinning. I’m pleasantly ambidextrous in these sorts of matters.
I read this same article and you’re right, it is total bullshit. I have a feeling your research could lead you into all kinds of crazy directions-Paging Dr. Kinsey!
Just admit it, Paul! Some of us never cared anyway! What on earth would one expect someone to be doing in a porno theatre?? Although, I think it’s kind of a gross thing to share this uh, experience with other movie goers, he wasn’t hurting anybody-just self abuse, ha.
@christy, I thought of that too. Where did we hear that?? It’s a quote from a movie, I think. Need to do some googling…
This is the funniest thing I have read in way too fucking long.
woo hoo ! I was twitter-quoted in a famous blog! The rest of you will have to figure out which quote.
“Frankly, I’m less of a fingers-do-the-walking and more of an Energizer-bunny gal when it comes you, you know, taking a solo trip to the happy place. What can I say, I value efficiency. But I can’t imagine using my right hand, even to hold the battery-powered device in question. It’d be like the difference between signing my name in cursive flourishes with my left hand, then switching to my right in order to stroke-victimly scrawl out LNDO.”
This paragraph is what cause me to comment. It’s just so…wrong and right at the same time?
Whatever it is, it’s comment worthy.
cause = caused Yay for not proofreading!
I’ll gladly be your first female case of masturbating: doing it the wrong way. I’m a lefty and I only masturbate with my right hand. I think I’d spell out LNDO too while masturbating with my left hand, somehow. It’s just impossible for me.
I’m right handed. I’m also single and not dating and not looking to change either of those things. I can tell you, if they cut off my right hand tomorrow, my sex life would end.
Okay, I am a little horrified that I have this to contribute, but I asked my boyfriend, and while he, too, primarily uses his dominant hand, he thoughtfully pointed out the following (paraphrased):
“Masturbation has changed a lot for men in the past ten years because of internet porn. The mouse is always in your right hand, so many of us had to become adept at nondominant hand usage.”
Probably wouldn’t affect PeeWee’s case, but there you go – one more anecdote for the files.
That institute didn’t find me.
Me to BF: “So when you wank it, do you use your left hand or your right hand?”
BF: “I use my mouth.”
(and now he is advocating “the Stranger” as well.)
Um, non-dominant here. Exclusively.
This entry makes me want to move next door to you – but not in a creepy way.
I’ll ask the BF tonight for his scientific input, but as for myself, I have to represent the non-dominant population. If no…um, battery operated?…object is available, I pull a lefty. No doubt about it. So yeah – business on the right, party on the left.
Hmm. I can tell you are 30ish and I am 60 because this whole entry gave me the eewwwwws. So, no comment here – well, other than that! :) – but I will be back yet another day, hopefully with a topic more comfortable for me to read. ha.
God, you’re funny, Linda. You’re just really, really funny. I never leave comments anywhere, but my god … I couldn’t not this time. LNDO … oh, man. This is one of those posts that’s going to make me laugh out loud at random intervals for the next several days. Well done.
I may love you just a little bit more now that I know you’re a lefty — I am, the hubs is, our toddler is
As far as the *activities* L&R both have jobs, but L is extra, R is mandatory
I go lefty when I want to pretend there’s a stranger in my midst.
Although I realize this is far from the only post you’ve done that has nothing to do with your children, this is the first one to make me stop and wonder, how many people who complained when you had your first child that now the blog was just all about being a mom are still around to be reading this? ’cause boy are they missing out.
dominant/right here!
Wow, you never know what you are going to get when you click on this blog. I love it. I have never, ever, ever used my left hand for that business. So when I have arthritis in my right hand and not my left…
Too funny! Love the “research” you did to find the TRUTH! Ha ha!
ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!! I Love You!
Like clover said above, “As far as the *activities* L&R both have jobs, but L is extra, R is mandatory.”
My TMI brother once told my then-teenaged son that he used the non-dominant hand when he wanted a little variety. And when he wanted to feel really naughty, he’d turn his hand, either one, around/over (so the thumb is close to the body and the back of the hand is, um, skyward). He called that “cheating on Rosie.”
This is why All & Sundry was my first, will be my last and is my everything. (I guess the post got me in a Barry White state of mind)
My husband uses his non-dominant hand and when I asked him long ago why this was he couldn’t provide an adequate answer. Armed with all this new information I finally feel, with regard to the subject matter at hand (ooh, a half-witted pun inside a vague one?), satisfied.
“bang this thing out.” Totally laughed and snorted in my morning smoothie.
Uh, OK, not sure I should be contributing but whatever! I would have to put myself into the “dominant hand” camp, but really clover above had it right (except that for me it’s t’other way round).
Purely in the interests of science, I tried it in reverse. That worked too, but it wouldn’t be my first choice. We’ll ignore the eye-rolling and comments from Her.
By the way, I grew up in a largely Italian suburb, and the accepted euphemism was “slapping the salami”. Probably an ego thing. :) Never heard of “choking the chicken”.
I don’t think I’m coordinated enough to use the non-dominant hand for that – and I have trouble even using that hand for holding battery-operated devices…but if push came to shove, I’m sure I *could* –
This whole “stranger” idea is new to me – and making your hand go to sleep first – ummm…I couldn’t possibly manage to handle things when my hand is asleep – but now I’m thinking I should try. heh
Hilarious post.
kim
I love you.
And this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhEKjg_KxIs
Heh, research. (totally dominate here)
There is so much variety on this blog it kills me. BTW – lefties rule.
I genuinely *heart* you, person that I’ve never even met.
answer to your twitter question: it’s Brett, according to what Tarantino named him in the script; Jules does make it sound like both, somehow
You are awesome. “Hand-to-gland combat” will make a regular appearance round these parts. (Parts!)
Let’s hear it for using no hands!! Anyone? Anyone? Just me, huh?
Hilarious! Love it! Classic Sundry, er Linda.
After fighting with my husband tonight, I went to your blog hoping for some sort of inspiration. I saw this post titled “Love the One You’re With” and thought what perfect timing and was expecting some funny and profound piece on marital bliss. Boy was I surprised!
But, since you’re on this submject, I’m lefthanded (writing and eating), but sports and the above-mentioned, right-handed. Never really thought about it before, but there ya go.
Utter b.s. (but your take on it is hilarious). I’m a fingers do the walking gal, and always use my non-dominant hand.
You have all sorts of research info here! I asked my boyfriend today, and he said if he’s in the shower, it’s his right hand (dominant), but any other time he’s usually surfing porn online, so he uses the left.
Both of my hands participate, but it’s usually the right hand (dominant) that holds the device that gets the job done.
Awesome.
I’m 60 (like Belle, above) and I think this is brilliant! I’m right handed, and that’s the hand I use, to hold the energizer bunny or let my fingers do the walkin’.
Fabulous post (as always)! What so many have said above… you truly are the best.
Okay….I love your blog Linda….and today I received my Parenting magazine in the mail and you are listed as one of the “Most Addictive Mom Blogs” with which I TOTALLY agree. However, maybe it’s my midwest mindset, but this blog made my stomach turn (and I’m not 60!) I hope you are working on something new to replace this becuase I guarantee that you will be having tons of people looking you up after that magazine article. And MAN, I don’t want them to think this is all your blog is about….
Jen: if you think I’m going to put up some safe little G-rated post just to court a readership, you don’t know me at all. I’m more than a little offended, actually. Why, you could almost say your suggestion to edit my own blog for traffic-mongering purposes turned my stomach.
I, too, have a “Midwest Mindset” and this blog did not make my stomach turn and I also think it’s silly for you to modify your blog for potential readers. What are we, 12?
Jen, are you saying that moms who read Parenting never think about masturbation? And also, that they have no sense of humor? Give the Parenting readers a little more credit! This isn’t the Victorian age, after all!
I’ve never thought of your blog as a ‘mom blog’, probably because I started reading you when you were still at Diaryland. To me, this is a blog written by someone who happens to be a mum.
P.S. Dominant hand here.
I found this blog refreshing as hell. The idea that mothers don’t or shouldn’t have sexual needs is depressing, and more people should be discussing this stuff. So, THANK YOU.
God, I love how you just keep it real. No mansion remodel bullshit. No product placement. Dylan’s tantrums aren’t sponsored by Lego. Just pure, unadulterated, raw truth. That’s the shit women want to start a conversation about. Please keep telling it like it is, don’t censor yourself so more ad dollars pour in. Thanks for giving us modern, thinking women a place to be genuinely and intelligently entertained!
This post juxtaposed to the previous post about Dylan’s bedtime… That’s why I read you and will for as long as you’re writing.
Thank you for the laughs.
Dude. I’m from fucking South Dakota. It doesn’t get more Midwest than this place. And I’m gonna go ahead and use my sensitive little mindset to call bullshit.
You’re my hero. I love your voice, the stories you tell, how much you share. What would we do without you to read? You motivate and inspire and entertain, so don’t let the bastards get you down.
Also, I’m a dominant hander. You could cut off my left hand tomorrow and I’d never miss it as far as my lady business is concerned -they don’t even know eachother exist.
Yeah, well, I hope you have many new readers after your Parenting blurb…because you’ve lost this one….
I can’t say I agree that “everyone” can relate to this…and if there are so many that need to “self-pleasure” or that their significant others need to….maybe it’s time to get off the computer and start working on your relationships…..
Oy, “scandalized” commenters always make me cringe a little bit.
Not everyone “self-pleasures” because their relationship is unfulfilling, you know. In fact, I don’t know anyone who said, “oh my god! My relationship is so perfect I don’t EVER NEED TO HELP MYSELF OUT AGAIN!” I think generally speaking, it’s unrealistic to expect that of people.
Also Midwestern here. I thought it was hilarious.
Whoa. Jen, a little uptight are we? Mayhaps a bit more self pleasure might smooth you out.
And Linda – YOU ROCK re your response. Well, YOU ROCK at all times, but you know what I mean.
Um, Jen? Don’t let that little x in the corner hit you on the ass on your way out.
Linda – dude…there have been SO many instances when I wanted to break out of my lurker mode and whip off the ol’ Cloak of Invisibility over something you’ve written about, but just end up reverting to nodding my head wildly in agreement at the screen.
Now? Oh yeah! California dominant-hander represent!
Heh. Carry on w/ your bad self!
Wow, I can’t believe that the “scandalized” commenter actually returned to argue, and this time to slam your other commenters! Maybe one of your former adversaries trolling the Parent Dish comment section… remember some of those people? Glad those days are over, I like the fun commenters much more.
p.s. dominant hand. really the only thing the non-dominant one is good for is the bass parts on the piano.
Jen makes me sad. Jen makes me sad because Jen actually thinks that the rest of us are the ones who need to work on ourselves.
Linda, you’ve been the voice of sanity interspersed with an amazing handle on the (absurdly) humorous for the last eight (?) years that I’ve been reading you. Thank you.
p.s. (So much masturbatory postscript!) Both hands, sometimes at the same time, but sometimes I just get tired of one and want to use the other. Same goes for my fork, my hairbrush, the doorbell, etc.
This post made me laugh so hard I think I hurt myself! I love your blog, Linda!
Dominant hand here – my other hand just doesn’t work for that.
Ariel – the last sentence on your ps made me go ‘Wha…? But… ouch.’ When I got to the doorbell I realised that the fork, hairbrush etc were unrelated to the other subject matter and started cracking up all over again.
This is the second of your posts that I’ve read. I’m hooked. Love it.
“…taking a solo trip to the happy place” that really made me lol. you definitely have a way with words