May 31, 2006

As one of the final (HA!) steps of all this remodeling business, we are going to replace our ugly-ass gray carpeting with hardwood floors. We certainly discussed the best possible timing for this endeavor, and I think we can all agree that “right before your infant son starts learning how to walk” is the hands-down winner.

Sorry, Riley. Perhaps we can encase you in some sort of protective plastic ball.

This process is scheduled for the second week of June, when contractors will descend upon the house once again, no doubt spraying lube everywhere with wanton glee, rip out our horrific Cthulu-esque carpets (the detritus that sifts through an old rug? It-Which-Cannot-Be-Named), and sand and finish the oak floors that lurk underneath.

Apparently this will fill our home with deadly toxins (score another one for being the Best Parents Ever) and we’ll have to be out for a few days. Our plan is to stay at a nearby hotel, which I am sure will be both luxurious and relaxing, much like visiting a fancy spa in Arizona.

Oh, except we’ll have the boy. Damn. So basically it’ll be three days holed up in a cheap motel with a 9-month-old. Don’t chew the comforter, Riley dear, haven’t you seen that Dateline episode with the stain-revealing ultraviolet light?

JB is leaving next week for a business trip to Taipei, so in some insanely short amount of time between his return and the Great Carpet Excavation (now showing on the lesbian porn channel!) we have to remove every single item of furniture that is currently touching the floor, and store it. Somewhere.

There’s the garage, but it’s already crammed with random house-cruft. There’s the kitchen, but it’s pretty much the size of a Triscuit. I guess we could stare at everything real hard like Luke Skywalker did when he was in that swamp and hope we’re able to levitate it all.

Honestly, I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do. It should be interesting. And by “interesting” I mean, of course, “yet another horrific remodel nightmare, even worse than the mystery lube”.

:::

Hey! Speaking of terrible things relating to the place we call home, where our precious, edible child currently lives, we are infested with vermin. Oh, I’m not even lying:

53106_rats.jpg

Check that out: FOUR rats. FOUR. And that’s just what I saw when I happened to look out under the bird feeder the yesterday morning. Remember how we had ONE rat, and I called him Frank, and it was sort of cute, kind of? Well, it is officially GROSS now. As in pestilence, city-baby-attacked-by-rats (anyone remember GBH? ..no?) gross.

The only good thing to come of this is the email exchange JB had with his mother today:

JB’s mom: what is with all the rats??? seriously, are these in your yard?? You need to trap and kill them, JB!

JB: Like overnight they descended on our house to feed.  Extermination process has begun but they are already in our crawlspace and in our walls. Last night I had to drill a couple holes in Riley’s room trying to get at them.  

I shouldn’t laugh, but haaaaa! Sometimes the man is all that and a bag of chips.

Comments

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

49 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Rumblelizard
Rumblelizard
18 years ago

Of COURSE I remember GBH! “City baby, city baby, city baby, ATTACKED BY RATS!” And who could forget the classic, “City baby’s…REVENGE!!”

Did I ever tell you the one about the rat that stole my underwear? Just be thankful your infestation hasn’t come to that.

Melanie
18 years ago

I can just see Riley rolling around the new floors in a baby-sized hamster ball. It’d be fabulous!

Chloe
18 years ago

Haaaaa! Please encase Riley in a giganto hampster ball and then take pictures. That sounds frickin’ ADORABLE, and at the VERY most only borderline abusive. Heck, maybe he’ll enjoy it!

And need I say the perfect Christmas card?

I think all rodents are cute, despite their disease-carrying goodness. However, in my house? Near my bare feet? It’s making me all squeegish.

Emily
18 years ago

Do you realize you used the words “mystery lube,” “lesbian,” “porn,” and “carpet” all in one entry? You should have just called this one “Welcome, Googlers!” Seriously, dude.

Tess
Tess
18 years ago

I have one word (or acronym, depending on your english skills): PODS: Portable On Demand Storage. You can totally live in it if things come to that.

ginger
ginger
18 years ago

EW! GAAAHHH! If there are four of them in broad daylight – dear Lord, what happens come nightfall? You are making me very grateful for my neighborhood population of elderly, incontinent cats. Even though I live in fear of a showdown between the cats and the very timid raccoons. (I figure a Popular Girl will come along and teach the shy raccoons that if they take off their glasses and use a little mascara and wear their hair down, and possibly wear ankle socks with high heels, they’ll turn into confident raccoons that talk out loud in class and get the cute guy. From there it’s a short step for them to transform into the raccoons we had in Oakland, which regularly killed and ate the neighborhood felines and were afraid of NOTHING including a Black-Ops trained Marine who came to dinner one night and poked them with a broom.)

kara marie
18 years ago

What’s disturbing is tonight as I was closing up at work I saw a bag of that SAME TOBACCO on my boss’s desk.

It’s contagious!

wickedfun
wickedfun
18 years ago

Rats! Tess beat me to it…PODS. Kinda pricey, but very convenient.

Dee

oregoncoastgirl
oregoncoastgirl
18 years ago

Mark another vote for the PODs, or rent a U-Haul trailer for a couple of days to put the stuff in.

Stacey
Stacey
18 years ago

I swear that rat on the far left looks more like a ginormous frog. I have no wildlife skills.

CartwheelsAtMidnight
18 years ago

That was fun! Now I’m a little nauseaus.

But I am a little distracted by the Great Carpet Excavation.

Unfortuanately now the big-screen inside my head includes rats and coochies. Ugh.

pippa
18 years ago

The good news is that with enough rats, they can break Riley’s falls. Kidding. Sort of.

Anne A.
Anne A.
18 years ago

Awww, GBH! Man, that brings me back to the elmer’s glue mohawk days! Hee!

kalisah
18 years ago

I spent nine days in a hotel room with a six-month-old when the ice storm of ’94 wiped out our electricity. (What?? YOU try living with a baby and no electricity in the dead of winter.) My son had diarhea on the bedpread and threw up on the carpet outside the elevator. The housekeeping staff loved us.

Shannon
18 years ago

Rats and mice are precisely why we, bird lovers that we are, finally did away with our bird feeders out in the backyard. The rodents, they love the free lunch! Stop using the birdfeeders and they’ll vamoose.

sooboo
sooboo
18 years ago

We just did our hardwoods and put the furniture outside. Hmmm… I’m guessing that’s not an option here.

Laurie
Laurie
18 years ago

Just one more vote for the pod–very, very convenient.

Pete
Pete
18 years ago

I sent the family to San Diego when I finished the hardwood floors I put down. Win-Win. They got a vacation and I didn’t have to hear “Are you done yet?” or have foot prints in my Polyurethane. Of course two weeks later the contractors working upstairs (wife’s idea) burst a water pipe which leaked under my floor and warped it. :-(
Good thing about hard wood floors is I can again sand it smooth and refinish it.
Moral of the story….. at least your contractor used KY.

Karin
Karin
18 years ago

Maybe you can fit all the stuff into the kitchen if you use lube?

victoria
victoria
18 years ago

Rats are highly intelligent and social creatures and they are just trying to survive. Yes, you don’t want them in your house, or even under birdfeeder (maybe it’s time to get rid of the birdfeeder?) but you don’t have to kill them. Just stop providing them with incentives to visit and they’ll go away.

trackback
Anonymous
18 years ago

Google

Google news and reviews

Kay
Kay
18 years ago

EEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:(
Maybe you can embrace your inner Willard..;)

warcrygirl
18 years ago

Doesn’t PetSmart sell giant hamster balls? I thought I saw it on a commercial once when I wasn’t paying attention to the t.v. It’ll protect him from the rats as well, just keep hit away from pockets of lube lest he hit one and shoot across the house at Mach 3.

Sarah
Sarah
18 years ago

A quick Google search turned up the best product for your rat infestation. You won’t have to get rid of the bird feeders OR kill the little buggers, because you will be using the “scent of your pests worst enemy, the Coyote, Fox and Bobcat” which means it is manly enough for JB to want to use. Because it has to do with “the strongest force in the animal kingdom… your critters, inborn, instinctive FEAR.”

haha! How could you not use a can of powered FEAR? http://www.critter-repellent.com
Also, I love how they have variations from domestic cats to deer to armadillos.

Okay, in all seriousness though, in the testimonials several people mentioned the bird feeders = rats problem was fixed by this magical powder.

Laura
Laura
18 years ago

Yet another vote for PODS – Dang, and I thought I was going to be so original!

Lisa
18 years ago

Just three days to do the floors? How lucky you are! We had to get our hardwood floors refinished in February (post-house flooding) and it was a WEEK with the sanding, the finishing and the “curing” of the finish. The charms of living in a hotel wore off after three days, however. I blame the cats.

As for the rats … well, what is Cat for?

JudyU
JudyU
18 years ago

RATS! yuck ptoooiiii GAH!

Ok yes the birdfeeders are the culprit…..but one thing you can do is get some cayenne pepper, and a cheapo store brand of pam cooking spray. Spray the grass under the birdfeeder and sprinkle generously with the cayenne. The oilyness in the spray makes the cayenne stick on the grass and the seeds in the grass. Get a GIANT SIZED superstore variety of cayenne pepper (sams club, costco…etc ) and sprinkle it on the grass where the birdseed drops. Birds don’t have the capacity to feel the heat in their birdy beaks. Do it daily and after it rains. When you notice they are gone do it anyway for another week…. I got rid of the destructive squirrels with this method. The downside is….Dog! She might get a mouthful and WHOA ……while your description in a future blog would be probably become a classic (although really….aren’t they all) I really don’t know how she would react.
You could get a goldfinch feeder. They eat thistle seeds and have a special feeder. They hang upside down and eat. It’s pretty cute. I really don’t know of any other creature that eats these seeds. The squirrels never bothered it even when I accidentally left a bag on the table overnight.

aoife
18 years ago

Do they have PODS in your part of the country? Its Portable On Demand Storage… they basically set a container down in your driveway and you fill it up. You can leave it there for a few days (like you need) or have them take it somewhere for you.

Good luck! thanks for writing!

Ang
Ang
18 years ago

“the Great Carpet Excavation (now showing on the lesbian porn channel!)”

hee!hee! — made me shoot Diet Coke out of my nose.

I, too, thought of suggesting PODS, but I won’t since it’s already been done! : )-

janet
18 years ago

why don’t you just rent a uhaul for a few days? load up the furniture, the neighbors will think you are moving (I dunno if that’s a plus or a minus), unload it a few days later?

Sonia(DDM)
18 years ago

Uh, this won’t be a popular opinion here….but my cat takes care of our rat issue. And mice, some birds, moles, and very possibly – low flying aircraft……….We’re pretty sure he’s part Puma. Shall I bring him over for a play date? Muwahahaha!

Annie
18 years ago

I swear to God, I think I can feel them crawling on me. CRAWLING.

ObZctQVfAe
ObZctQVfAe
17 years ago

MflwxKvCZUnsaORhc

hYHkbZKLXA
hYHkbZKLXA
17 years ago

gBljyxULGRJHXpOSn

Anonymous
Anonymous
17 years ago

ZPyqOtsmrWBKnQxvI

Leopold
15 years ago

Sorry. Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do. Help me! Could you help me find sites on the: Wall clock. I found only this – http://turbo-tax.biz/. Or, rather, it is if you want to be found and. There are also forums to discuss directories. Thanks for the help :mad:, Leopold from Spain.

Donnavg
10 years ago

A lot of opportunity job hopefuls possess a disassociate with these procedures apart from are concerned about. It is not necessary to be afraid to wait involving competition. Get the actual queensland EMUs preferences whether it is ugg boots styles, Shoe, Men’s or sandals in jamaica and each one is security to very high particular degree from welcoming made of woll cellular liner or smooth, Buttery real ugg filling. Discover their whereabouts in a multitude of height, Printing and colours with regard to winter holiday. Some short pants also UG hunters given a silly fuse. The main pants got a goodbye to warmer, While your ugg Bailey Button overshoes heralded a thanks for visiting excellent much cooler season.

Why all cuts are narrow all at the ft so the toes don’t visual appeal so fat stores which are considerably more trendy.Within gemstone the main cheap ugg boots choice footwear or perhaps, Accomplish their goals, The boot styles was showed within a currency segments of united kingdom around the folks in ugg classic mini press control key, The spot that the or even will always be imagined made wizard. A person’s middle of the solitary, Thickness modification of distinct rankings on the only real and existing finesse manufacture them”Mini move game board work outs.http://www.livewithyourairplane.com/

Regetting the very last angle in your sweet rounded, Chef’s Nate as well as, happened to be Aarn side. Sadly after a entre return bag, A piece of food holder without doubt gave the look of a secondary. Uggs existing lots techniques, At times when infant plus childhood designs. Don’t go together when using the Bailey control, ugg boots outlet in the software Triplet, Bailey bend, Typical, Prime glitters? Just how do i decide, Good, You’ll find it going to be up to your style and also your little kid of(If to your make the actual aid in deciding training).

For you to the discount ugg boots identity, Many developed new kinds of looks within your simple yet perfect catalogue a good deal broadened a new style go can easily development, Cold temperatures, Slow down and moreover relaxed choices brought out personal top end french collection, So widened our favorite mens presenting. All over get worse, The responses of 2011 trip and early planting season product furrows was already noticeably praiseworthy and also now we are self-self-assured that with time identify ugg boots sale is also having try appealing to customers and new clients.Shopping on the web of our amazing ” booties ” became continue to elevated these year in the shines and as a consequence Triplet Bailey link, Which unfortunately in conjunction with used asking the cost provides greater assist commute progressive associated with our premier fixed.

holiday car rental
9 years ago

Have you ever considered about including a little bit more than just your articles? I mean, what you say is important and everything. Nevertheless think about if you added some great photos or videos to give your posts more, “pop”! Your content is excellent but with pics and videos, this site could definitely be one of the greatest in its field. Good blog!

drug addiction treatment

Greetings! This is my first comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and tell you I genuinely enjoy reading your posts. Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that cover the same subjects? Many thanks!

anxiety treatment centers

Hi there! This post could not be written any better! Reading through this post reminds me of my previous room mate! He always kept chatting about this. I will forward this page to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read. Many thanks for sharing!

fios verizon
9 years ago

Hi, I think your web site could be having web browser compatibility problems. When I take a look at your website in Safari, it looks fine however when opening in I.E., it’s got some overlapping issues. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Aside from that, fantastic site!

how much is a breast augmentation

Neat blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere? A theme like yours with a few simple tweeks would really make my blog shine. Please let me know where you got your design. Thanks a lot

drug treatment center
9 years ago

If you are going for best contents like I do, only pay a visit this web site daily for the reason that it presents feature contents, thanks|

adoption assistance
9 years ago

You ought to be a part of a contest for one of the finest sites on the web. I’m going to highly recommend this blog!

fire hoses
9 years ago

Do you mind if I quote a few of your articles as long as I provide credit and sources back to your blog? My blog site is in the very same area of interest as yours and my users would truly benefit from a lot of the information you provide here. Please let me know if this ok with you. Appreciate it!

trackback
9 years ago

Dreary Day…

It was a dreary day here today, so I just took to messing around on the internet and realized…

asset and wealth management

Incredible! This blog looks exactly like my old one! It’s on a totally different subject but it has pretty much the same layout and design. Great choice of colors!

immigration attorney chicago

Greetings! I’ve been reading your website for a long time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Huffman Texas! Just wanted to tell you keep up the good work!