July 12, 2006

I thought we were done with the teething. I mean, I didn’t think we were done with the teeth, but the pain, the slobbering, the near-constant state of unhappiness and discontent? I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH ALL THAT.

We are not, in fact, done with all that.

In an effort to distract myself from my primary task of weakly patting Riley on the back and giving him 1) Children’s Motrin, 2) teething tablets that contain belladonna (for real!), and 3) fistfuls of crisp twenty-dollar bills in an effort at bribery, I’ve decided that I am a Master Inventor, for I have three SOLID GOLD ideas that I will share with you, should you wish to make MILLIONS from my GENIUS. I am just that generous, you know?

Thing the first: Old-School Nerd Maternity Shirt.

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If you played the text game Zork back in, oh, 1985 or so, you are totally laughing right now.

Thing the second: Built-in Legging Knee Pads.

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Dude. Seriously. How awesome would this be for newly crawling babies? Or perhaps some adult sizes to facilitate blow jobs for gardening?

Thing the third: Heart-warming Children’s Tale.

I’m sick of Little Bears and Very Busy Spiders and whatever the crap Maisy is supposed to be. Let’s have a nice bedtime story involving some of the more unusual members of the animal kingdom.

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Okay. That is all. Please cross your fingers this beshitted fang of Riley’s breaks through soon. Either that, or I’m going to crush up about fifty of those Hyland’s tablets and snort a fat-ass line in the hopes of numbing my entire brain.

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Kate
16 years ago

*Snarf* Pure genius! Thanks for another great post.

thejunebug
16 years ago

Judging by story-time, your brain’s already pretty numb, Linda. ;)

Sunshyn
16 years ago

Well, at least the teething tablets only have belladonna and not mercury like the old ones did. Given a choice between a toxic poison and a toxic heavy metal capable of causing neurological damage, I’ll take the plain old poison any day. Besides, belladonna will get you nice and high before it kills you.

justmouse
justmouse
16 years ago

BA HA HA HA *snort* HA HA HA! i love that story!

you’re awesome. and i’m not, because i have no advice for you about the teething thing. hey…did you try rawhide bones? rub some peanut butter on them and they go crazy for them. ok…i know…but it worked like a fucking CHARM on the shitty little pomeranian i dogsat last weekend.

kali
kali
16 years ago

sometimes, i thank the powers that may be for you writing.
so you know.
[thanks.]

pippa
16 years ago

Okay, the cockroach? At 4 AM? SO not necessary. Now I’m afraid to walk back to the bedroom in the dark.

Stormy
Stormy
16 years ago

Hyland’s Teething tablets are the freaking ass bomb. I know I went through 12 or so cases of them during the hell that is, teething.

Dawn
16 years ago

That t-shirt? Is AWESOME.

robin
16 years ago

Haha..Maisy…oh my GOD how I hate that show! It’s the alligator, he totally creeps me out. Thankfully my child never showed interest in that one.

HollowSquirrel
16 years ago

I’m printing out this post, cutting out the book pages and binding the heartwarming tale for little Jojo and mommy to read before bed. We need some new material and what better to fall asleep to than the menacing hyena, stalking my baby’s chubby thighs.

sunShine
16 years ago

Too funny! I hate teething with a passion. It seems to last forever. We are in the middle of that hell too. Thank GOD for teething tablets and Tylenol.

warcrygirl
16 years ago

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Do those leggings come in other colors? You know, cuz I like gardening.

Ang
Ang
16 years ago

You.are.a.genius.

Oh, and teething sucks. I always wondered why kids needed molars–couldn’t they just chew with their front teeth?

jonniker
16 years ago

I would totally pet Larry and even Petunia. But Colin? Henry? No. Just no.

My favorite part of this whole thing is the pic of the little boy, circa 1982 with matching era-appropriate font.

dorrie
dorrie
16 years ago

I am laughing my ass off at the end of your story… “that was his shitty advice, now go the hell to sleep” hahahahahahah
Thanks for making my morning

Amy
Amy
16 years ago

Colin The Hissing Cockroach – ha!

Annie
16 years ago

Maybe you could let him chew on the knee pads? My Sam has no interest in teethers and is more interested in chomping on me. I have the bruises to prove it. Pass the Hylands.

LLL
LLL
16 years ago

Okay, those babypants with knee pads – you COULD sell them (well maybe not in that exact form, but close). My poor child has to crawl on tile and hardwoods – ouch. Pure genius!

Mandy
Mandy
16 years ago

My son LOVES Maisy. Adores her. We have to Tivo the show so he can watch it in the mornings while we are getting ready for work. Therefore, I know the song: Maisy, Maisy, Maisy Maisy MOUSE. She’s a mouse. You’re welcome.

Ceece
16 years ago

hah, you had me at “beshitted fang”!

Kaire
Kaire
16 years ago

That was so touching and heartfelt. I need a nap now too. Thanks for the story!

Jessica
16 years ago

I WOULD BUY THAT SHIRT. Even though I’m not currently knocked up.

Put it on cafepress.com and you will be a hundredaire.

Melissa
Melissa
16 years ago

Laughing my ass off!!! Seriously, do those Hyland’s teething tablets really work? I think my baby is working on her first tooth and I’ll try anything.

katie
16 years ago

Um, why did Larry Lemur have to travel to see Colin? Don’t lemurs come from Madagascar, too?

fifi
fifi
16 years ago

I think there’s a whole new unexploited niche market for bedtime stories from the dark side.
All those cynical parents out there with varying degrees of beshitted fangs to cope with, would totally
snap up your oeuvres.

mama kelly
16 years ago

between Larry Lemur and memories of playing “Leather Goddesses of Phobos” I am giggling over here

glad to have wandered in

justmouse
justmouse
16 years ago

ok…first of all…what the HELL are teething tablets??? second…maisy CAN’T POSSIBLY be as bad as friggin’ BARNEY was!!

CAEB
CAEB
16 years ago

I can’t believe that drs. and baby advice “experts” are still peddling that crap about babies NOT getting a fever when they are teething. My daughters, who are now 23 and 25, had a fever EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME, and their pediatrician insisted the two weren’t related (teething & fever, not my daughters, who are um, related)

Long-time lurker. Love your writing and photos.

Jem
Jem
16 years ago

PLEASE DO NOT POST SUCH A LARGE COCKROACH AGAIN WITHOUT WARNING! I soooo go into high-alert mode. That must’ve really sucked googling cockroaches!

Funny entry though! I love that first t-shirt, you should totally put it on CafePress or whatever its called, or sell it to tshirt hell.

Kelly
16 years ago

Sing it, CAEB.

Holes in gums+bacteria in air that enter holes in gums=a fever, right? I mean, RIGHT? Also, sign me up for the subversive bedtime stories. I think there must be a market for lullabies with the word “fuck” in them, too.

Jennie
16 years ago

LOL
Oh my god that’s hilarious!!!! Would you mind if I used your friendly tale over at my son’s blog? I will credit you of course?

lol

Elizabeth
16 years ago

I want that shirt.

Magpie
Magpie
16 years ago

OH MY GOD YES put that T-shirt on CafePress, and advertise it in your sidebar here (and on ClubMom, if they’ll let you).

If I ever get knocked up, that would be the first thing I’d buy.

mnerva
mnerva
16 years ago

HAHAHAHA! I just HAD to delurk long enough to tell you that your little bedtime story got me some very bewildered/weird looks from my boyfriend, as I was in tears and chortling loudly (yes, I really chortle). I swear girl, sometimes you make my sides hurt. Thanks!

Melis
Melis
16 years ago

Charlie the Crocodile, I swear, sounds like he’s re-tah-ded. My son once loved Maisy until he discovered the Backyardigans and their overly diverse little clan.

Answer me this: any idea what Uniqua is? She’s pink, and she has antennae.

Albert Rogers
15 years ago

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