September 28, 2006

Not only was Riley nearly rash-free this morning, but he also ate an entire container of yogurt. To say this was a relief is a major understatement; when I saw that last spoonful go down his eager little gullet I did the Cabbage Patch right there in the kitchen.

If that mental picture doesn’t do you in, then let me tell you exactly how I spent our dinner hour last night: performing a complicated dance involving two pairs of men’s boxer-briefs, all in an attempt to amuse and distract the boy long enough so that his father could sneak a bite of food in his mouth.

See, Riley has been super fussy about eating lately – thanks, Mystery Viral SpotFest! – and he kept shoving away his dinner. We found that if he was distracted by something, he’d forget about his whole null-by-mouth stance for a minute and take a bite. So there I was, doing jumping jacks, comically dropping things on the floor, making rooster sounds, and generally being a freak, a super-freak, while JB hovered nearby, spoon at the ready. I had nearly exhausted everyone’s patience when I grabbed two pairs of JB’s underwear from a pile of laundry and began whipping them around and around like a deranged flag majorette, while singing, “Ya ta, ta ta ta TA ta, ta ta ta TA TA, eat-your-food!

This certainly got his attention, although I don’t really know if it was worth the two bites of mashed potato JB snuck in while I nearly gave myself a groin injury leaping around the living room and singing and whirling a couple pairs of underwear in the air.

Basically, I’m very happy that Riley’s eating again because not only will that hopefully improve his overall disposition, but it should lessen the chances that tonight I’ll find myself trying to incorporate a pair of Hanes into my own special rendition of The Worm. I mean, The Worm’s hard enough on its own, you know?

The things we do to entertain this child, I swear. You should see JB’s “motorbike” routine, where he sticks his tongue between his lips to make that farty “pbbbbblllttth” sound while he revs invisible bike handles and navigates big jumps where he, of course, gets massive air. Or the weird horse gallop – complete with hummed Lone Ranger theme music – I like to do up and down the hallway with Riley bouncing in my arms. Or the team “Mockingbird” routine JB and I do together, a la Dumb and Dumber.

It’s almost like we are ridiculously silly megadorks at heart who were just dying for an excuse to act retarded 24 hours a day. Almost.

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Pete
Pete
15 years ago

First Post, not as cool as /. but still cool.

Meg
Meg
15 years ago

Oh my god, you make me laugh!

Pete
Pete
15 years ago

Good post, that’s one of the great things of having kids, you get to act like a kid. I use to love going through the tubes at McDonalds to “Watch after my kids”. Now they are too old to do that. That is until they have kids.

warcrygirl
15 years ago

HAHAHAHA!

Mona
15 years ago

Sometimes the best method is to distract and confuse. Good work!

justmouse
justmouse
15 years ago

omg. seriously. can i ADOPT you???

Swistle
15 years ago

I see a little “Illness Kit”: thermometer, Butt Paste, two pairs of men’s boxers…

jonniker
15 years ago

And the Internet girl crush continues…you kill me.

Katie
15 years ago

You definitely have a gift for evoking very vivid images with just words!!! But, what, may I ask, is the Cabbage Patch? Am I a retarded megadork for not knowing what that is?

Kari
Kari
15 years ago

I dunno either Katie. But I do know that I love having a baby because it gives me full right to be as goofy as possible and just say I’m doing it for the kid. Yeah. For the kid. xD

Jessie
15 years ago

Great. Now I’m going to have “Mockingbird” stuck in my head all day.

claire
15 years ago

you know your relationship is special when you can do the Mockingbird duet seriously.

you guys are so great.

Niki P
Niki P
15 years ago

yeah- mockingbird in my head all day. People already think I’m strange enough they don’t need me singing in my office to prove it. Singing I will be!

fellowmom
fellowmom
15 years ago

Team Mockingbird-ha ha ha HA! I can only imagine. That is unless you post a video. . .

Staci
15 years ago

Hey, I used to have to do megadork stuff to get my kid to eat too! Then her pediatrician told me that I should just relax and let her eat when she was hungry… suddenly I’m a megadork with no excuse. *sigh*

Sally
Sally
15 years ago

Hi,

Just wanted to say I saw Andrew Bird in Portland this week. It was great. If he’s headed your way, check him out!

Donna
Donna
15 years ago

The cabbage patch was the dance that the cabbage patch kids did on the cabbage patch kids cartoon show.
And, that – is the shortest sentence that you could say cabbage patch in three times. Heh.
What’s funny is that Linda knows the cabbage patch, and admits it. It is especially piquant when you knew what the dance looked like………..we would like a video.
I never have had a husband that would do the mockingbird with me tho. Dammit.

Donna
Donna
15 years ago

Wait wait Linda, do you Smurf too? ROTFLMAO.
Good God I have visions of the two of you smurfing your asses off in the kitchen for Riley. With dog and cat watching, Linda, how could you? LOL this was the best post, well maybe not the best but way the fuck up there.

Gena
15 years ago

“Almost” a megadork? You win the prize. You crack me up at the end of a hard day. Actually, many of my days are difficult – I homeschool my children. Keep on writing, you funny, funny lady. May I be your friend?

JudyU
JudyU
15 years ago

We had to do the same thing with my little troll (he’s 7 now). We called it “Dinner Theater”.

Sugar
15 years ago

Your house sounds like so much fun!

Moxie
Moxie
15 years ago

Wave your freak flag girl!

Rick James would be proud.

Michael
15 years ago

Did you ever consider he may have caught this virus at the Puyallup fair? Just noticing the timing… That would certainly make it a Doozy. Glad to hear he’s almost all better.

Brooke
15 years ago

I see comments are closed for your next post, but I really want to say that I hurt for you and I have an idea of how you feel. My ex-husband and I had lots of those shouting matches before we finally broke up, many of them in front of our four-year-old. She was hurt by what we said to each other. She understood angry, and it broke my heart when she would burst into tears, put her face into my abdomen and bawl “Don’t cry, Mommy!” Recently, my fiance and I shouted at each other in front of the kids. As I lay sobbing on our bed she slid a paper under the door that said simply, “I love you.”

Best wishes.

Kristen Bardott
15 years ago

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Roque
6 years ago

i love that emma. at least she didn’t tell brianna that after she tchoued her cabbage patch kid that she had to touch it everyday for the rest of her life and if she missed a day she’d die. that’s just mean. right, jenny?

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