October 4, 2006

Years ago, I was trying to set up a lunch date with an ex-boss of mine, and when I suggested the Cheesecake Factory in downtown Seattle – mostly because I knew there was a non-terrifying parking lot nearby – she snootily informed me that she wouldn’t eat anywhere with the word factory in its name.

I think of her sometimes when I shop at the Shoe Pavilion, because I bet she wouldn’t buy shoes anywhere with the word pavilion in its name, either. In fact, unless her personal circumstances have changed dramatically, I can pretty much guarantee it, because I once house-sat her Mercer Island mansion for a week and peeked in her giant walk-in closet and saw – for the first time in my life outside of Sex and the City – actual rows upon rows of carefully boxed Jimmy Choos. I don’t think you can buy Jimmy Choos at the Shoe Pavilion, is what I’m saying.

You can buy affordable boots there, though, and I decided that this year I need a sexy pair of tall leather boots. It is a Goal of mine, to find these boots. Sure, I could have a loftier goal like losing ten pounds or cleaning out the hall closet, but screw it, I want some boots.

So I visited the Pavilion of Shoes earlier this week and tried on a few pairs. And PEOPLE. There is a PROBLEM.

Let me back up a little and tell you something about myself: I have nice legs. I do. From about mid-thigh on down, I have some shapely motherfucking stems. They are not skinny, but there is definition between the calves and the ankles. I may have lost the genetics game when it comes to other nonfantastic body parts, but goddamn it I have good legs.

(Whew, that got a little defensive, didn’t it? Hi, low self esteem calling, are we reaching?)

Anyway, these boots…they do not fit at the top. What the hell? I know I do not have elephantine chunk-trunks, so why is it that I couldn’t zip up one single pair of tall boots without cutting off my circulation and creating a weird leg-bulge above the boot? WHY?

I tried on some Nine Wests, so I’m not just talking about El Cheapo pleather designs. Are they supposed to, like, stretch over time? Are leg-bulges trendy, and I just didn’t read about it in Us magazine? Are the only people who are able to wear tall boots shaped like Mischa Barton?

Maybe there’s a reason to avoid pavilions, after all. I need a Shoe Hut. A Shoe Hut for the Big-Calved, apparently.


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