March 6, 2007

(Yes, another blog post. I am typing instead of doing what I really want to do, which is eat a boxcar-sized pan of brownies.)

I’ve been slowly coming to a realization, and that is this: Riley was not, in all actuality, the world’s cutest newborn. I now believe all new parents are completely drugged by their own love for the tiny, red, squishy thing they have produced, and there’s no chance of objectivity when it comes to assessing your child’s attractiveness. Until someday in the future when you look at an old photo of your precious just-hatched babe and think, my god, what the hell IS that, a lizard? In the meantime, everyone will sweetly assure you of your baby’s extreme beauty, because what else can someone say about a newborn? (“He sure is . . . um, blinky.”)

Aw, who’s a lizard? Whooshy whooshy whooshy!

89025920_4fdef5cd3d.jpg

(Yes, not even a month old and TOTALLY flipping us off there. I should have known we were in for it.)

:::

Hey, did you win Mega Millions tonight? If so, can we be the kind of friends where the really, really, really rich friend buys the other friend a pony? And a gold-plated yacht?

:::

Have you ever wondered how some prime Pulp Fiction dialogue and the art of typography could combine into one fan-fucking-tastic QuickTime file? Well, here you go. (Note: NSFW audio.)

:::

Lastly, I am only now starting to be able to move my arms and legs without shrieking in pain and scrabbling for the ibuprofen. Turbo Jam, which I did once, last Sunday, is still kicking my ass. Apparently I am not in the best of shape. And speaking of, I am doing admirably well on this WW bullshit and am feeling both proud of myself and very, VERY deprived. I ate “Tofurkey” at lunch today, people. TOFURKEY. Because the lunch menu was ravioli with creamy sauce and I’m sure one bite contained 292057 points.

By the way, Tofurkey tastes like what I assume sliced human flesh would. Mmm-MMM!

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Jenny H.
15 years ago

You are so damn funny! Um, my children? Yeah, they WERE in fact beautiful when they were born!! Or maybe that was the drugs talking!! Just kidding, they were pretty cute. I have seen some butt-ugly children though. The correct thing to say is this, or something like it-wow, look at all that hair!!

I didn’t win Mega Millions, but I live in Georgia and nobody ever wins from here! I would probably buy you a pony…only because I am totally trying to get you to like me!

Tofurkey? Not so much. Glad to hear WW is working for you!

angela
15 years ago

Okay, that’s the third reference to consuming human flesh that I have heard today. The first being a discussion on how awesome it would be if the secret ingredient on Iron Chef was “Huuumannnn Flesh!” (in the chairman’s voice) and then the camera would pan to Mario Batali and he would be smiling because he SO knows what to make, because that man can cook anything.

The second was part of a friend’s answer to “What would YOU do if you won the lottery?” He would eat human flesh. I’m staying away from him at dinner parties.

Chiara
15 years ago

I already DID buy you a pony…a pony of love.

Mama Ritchie
15 years ago

Please tell me “pony play’ involves “My Little Pony”‘s somehow.

I was so drugged out after having C – I asked every nurse who came in if he was cute – and it was okay, they could tell me the truth, I wanted the truth and hey, why do I keep pressing this morphine button and nothing happens – and I know they SAY he’s cute but they have to say that to everyone – but this one really is cute right? right!!? MORE MORPHINE PLEASE.

Trina
Trina
15 years ago

I totally thought my kid was the ugliest baby ever. Everyone else kept telling me they thought she was cute. I thought I was crazy. But, now I think she is the cutest. Then again, I didn’t have that instant love for her that people talk about. Thank god I have met other moms who have felt the same way so I don’t feel like such an ass for saying it out loud.

Liz in Australia
Liz in Australia
15 years ago

My second daughter was an ugly newborn. Her nose was all squooshed sideways, and she was a particularly unattractive shade of beetroot. I thought she was ugly at the time and felt guilty about thinking it. Fortunately her nose straightened out and her skin calmed down, and two years later she is utterly gorgeous. I may be biased, though.

Sonia
15 years ago

I was an UGLY baby. I looked like an alien. Seriously. I have huge eyes now. So picture my huge eyes on the head of a 3 pound baby. GAAAAH! Fugly.
My son was smooshy but cute-ish. When he was 6 months old he had an err…awkward phase? His head and face were perfectly round like a basketball. And now at age 6, he’s just a really damn cute kid.
Diets SUCK. I’m so sorry. You aren’t alone. I’m kicking my own ass at the gym every morning and starving all the time. Tofurkey? *shudder* I don’t think I could even try it.

thejunebug
15 years ago

Honestly I think the secret to WW is drinking shitloads of water, because it fills you up and you don’t want to eat anymore.

Rachel
15 years ago

Honestly? When I saw the newborn pictures of Riley I called my husband over to show him how gorgeous he was. Most newborns (even, I realize, my own) are smushy and just kind of pitiful-looking, and red, and squinty. Riley was much cuter than the average newborn, at least in the pictures you posted here. I actually felt guilty because I fully acknowledged within myself that he was far and away cuter than my own children had been at birth (both of my own children are, of course, utterly gorgeous now, and were as soon as they got past the smushy newborn stage). You have to know that I’m speaking honestly here, because what reason would I have to suck up to you? It’s not like you won the Mega Millions thing.

Jennifer
15 years ago

I think Riley is a particularly adorable newborn! I’ve had to put away my son’s first bath photos for they are truly frightening.

Good job on the diet, but where on earth did you get Tofurkey?!

Serror
Serror
15 years ago

Umm. Riley = not ugly old man wrinkle baby. He was totally a pretty newborn.

Also, way better to eat beans than tofurkey. Seriously, find some low fat chili, rice and beans, or hummus and low fat pita and veggies. And good god some Beano to go with it, otherwise those farts will keep you awake at night, not just almost startle you from sleep. But they keep ya full and satisfied. And Trader Joe’s has a giant tortilla for not so many points that you can eat with it that doesn’t taste like cardboard.

Way to go! I really promise if you stick with it, the hunger diminishes. I have the problem of trying to work in several light beers/glasses of wine a week, which you can be grateful you can eat in FOOD points! :)

Elisha
Elisha
15 years ago

Tell us about the housekeeper! :)

warcrygirl
15 years ago

Unless your newborn has a third eye in the center of its forehead or some other gross abnormality then it’s CUTE. The c-section babies tend to be cuter only because they weren’t squeezed like a kitchen sponge coming into the world. Riley was indeed very cute. I do the same thing, wondering how many points is in a certain food and would my thighs sponatenously explode upon the first bite. I need to get up and exercise though. Sheesh.

Elisha
Elisha
15 years ago

Ok, I’m a dumbass and didn’t go back far enough for the housekeeper story. LOL.

Jan
Jan
15 years ago

I worked out once and was in so much pain the next day, I almost couldn’t get out of bed. I seriously considered calling in sick to work. But I didn’t because I was just too embarrassed to tell my boss why I couldn’t work. If you work out regularly, of course, that pain goes away. But who wants to do that???

Ditch the tofurkey. Don’t eat anything that makes you want to gag or you won’t stay on the diet. You probably could have had some real turkey on whole wheat bread with veggies for about the same points. And one of those vanilla puddings with the caramel topping that are only 60 calories for dessert!

Melanie
15 years ago

Some of those fake meat patty things are really good – Gardenburgers and whatnot. And if you’re trying to cut down on meat, Quorn, while it sounds gross beyond all imagining, actually really does taste like chicken. It’s kind of scary. But it makes fabulous chicken salad, which you can do with fat-free mayo or whatever and then feel like you’re eating something naughty when you’re not. Riley was a cute baby, but I think most babies are cute, so maybe I just like lizard people. I did have a friend with an ugly baby, and he was ugly til he was like 18 months old and she would say how cute Boyo is and I would be like “umm….. thanks…. hey, look at that!” so I didn’t have to lie and say her kid was cute. Luckily he got better-looking.

Amy M.
Amy M.
15 years ago

Riley really was cute. At least from the picture you posted. I wouldn’t lie. My baby was kind of splotchy red and angry-looking at birth. Now he’s adorable, though. At least the baby acne gives you a sneak peek into what they’ll look like at 13. ;)

Tofurkey? Did you eat it on a dare? Yum. I second the Gardenburger comment. I like meatless products that aren’t trying to taste like meat. Because, really? They don’t. The roasted veggie & the black bean patties are pretty good. And a restaurant near my house makes the best veggie burgers ever! (Sorry, it’s in Wisconsin)

CK
CK
15 years ago

Linda– You’re crazy…Reilly was a cute baby…because, trust me, I have seen some UGLY babies and that picture of Rielly doesn’t even get him admission to the FUGLY baby club…

Cavu
15 years ago

Dude: That baby IS totally cute. And totally giving you the bird. Aw.
Is real turkey really that much worse for you than tofurkey? I thought turkey was pretty healthy until one slathered it with gravy.

Sadie
Sadie
15 years ago

Yeah, lots of newborns are pretty trollish-looking, but Riley was not of one of those. Was he the most breathtaking infant I’ve ever seen? No, but he was actually quite cute with that little pouty mouth; I wouldn’t lie.

Tofurkey?! Really, Linda? I think *I* might lose weight simply being so grossed out by the idea of “sliced human flesh” that I can’t eat anything for days. I agree with the others – real sliced turkey breast on whole wheat would have tasted muuuuuch better and been comparable, points-wise, I’d think.

Alyson
15 years ago

OK, so stop with the Turbo Jam and the tofurky. If you don’t normally eat tofurky, why are you eating it now? Weight Watchers is not an exercise in self-torture! Also, Turbo Jam? Really! Ever heard of Walking? Much less painful, and it works just as well. And with the weather getting better – OK, so it is raining today, but it is getting better – walking in Bellevue/Redmond/Seattle is great. Do you have a good stoller for Riley? Hit the Sammamish River Trail, it’s great! Oh! Make sure you have a good pair of walking shoes. Brooks Ariels are my personal favorite. And if you don’t know where the Brooks outlet is in Bothell, email me and I will fill you in.

Oh and low points fast food – I can help you there, too!

Now if I would listen to my own advice and get back to Weight Watchers myself………………

JennyM
JennyM
15 years ago

One word: hufu.

Wiki it, if you dare. My work here is done.

-m
-m
15 years ago

My friend’s firstborn’s was named for me, and I love that girl to death, and she’s so lovely now, but boy did she look like Winston Churchill when she was born.

You’re probably going to ban me for saying this, but the best way to get the sore out is to…eek…work out again. My kickboxing instructor told me her grandfather always said “you gotta get it out the way you go it in.” Which sounds incredibly dirty, so I appreciate it that much more. Believe me, I’ve had the “I’m going to wait to go to the bathroom until I really, REALLY have to because my legs are so sore I can’t get up from my chair without groaning and that makes my coworkers uncomfortable” days…but doing even a light workout gets that sore out and make it easier to move.

Ok, I’ll go away now.

Swistle
15 years ago

No, Riley WAS a very cute newborn. He really was. At the time I thought, “NO FAIR: she’s funny, she’s a great writer, she can totally pull off ponytails, AND she gets a cute newborn the first time out.”

I’ve had two cute newborns and two non-cute newborns.

Mmmmmm, browwwwwwwwwnies. Now you’ve got me thinking about brownies.

Keaton
Keaton
15 years ago

Ah, but you see, that’s where you’re wrong. Hufu is designed to take like human flesh. Though you may be right in that they got the flavors switched.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hufu

nonsoccermom
15 years ago

Tofurkey, ew. Not that I’ve ever tasted it, but now I don’t have to!

Personally, I think Riley was a cute newborn. Cuter than mine was anyway, who was all red and angry-looking. At least in pictures.

Good luck with Turbo Jam. I have my dance class tonight so that’s it for me. Not exactly as high-intensity as Turbo Jam, but hey.

yams
yams
15 years ago

OMG I’ve had Marge Simpson was my inital thought when I saw my daughter. I was in labor for 16 hours so the contractions elongated her head and being asian she had a whole head full of jet black hair.

Tofurkey, yuck. I’m vegetarian and still hate it.

Mrs. Breedorf
15 years ago

When Theo was born, I thought he was just beautiful. When Theo was 4 months old, I’d look at pictures from he was a newborn and think “Boy, it sure is funny that I thought he was so cute back then! Unlike NOW when I can objectively state that he really is just the most adorable baby ever!” These days, I look back at pictures from when he was 4 months old and think “Jeez, he was really just a greasy-looking lump. How funny that I thought I could objectively state that he was so cute! Unlike NOW, when he really is just the most adorable baby ever!”

victoria
victoria
15 years ago

I LOVE tofurkey! It’s amazing stuff. But a little too salty.

Zoot
Zoot
15 years ago

All of my aunts remind my brother that it’s a good think he turned out so good-looking because he was, “a very very ugly baby.” Heh.

Also – WW online was my salvation several years ago when I was determined to lose weight before I got married. Almost 30lbs lost.

Leah
15 years ago

Having first met Riley when he was already five or six months old, I don’t have a genuine first impression of his newbornness, but looking back at him now while knowing what he looks like today…it’s impossible to deny that he’s completely fetching (double-negative anyone?), if not a little belligerent.

Jem
Jem
15 years ago

I guess you can’t blame someone for looking a little weird when they’ve been inside another human body for 9 months!

Jem
Jem
15 years ago

Ooh, not that I’m saying Riley is weird looking. Just babies in general. Oh, gah.

McWriter
McWriter
15 years ago

I don’t know, Linda, Riley was pretty freakin’ cute. It’s all in the cheeks – if they’ve got ’em, they’re in (in the cute baby club, that is). Super-skinny babies freak me out. Only b/c they look very breakable. But if Riley had been super-skinny, I’d still tell you he’s a doll. :o)

I recommend green tea for weight loss. I drink 4 to 5 cups a day (one caf. in the AM and the rest decaf), and I am always so full of bev. I can’t even think about food. Except when someone brings Munchkins to the office. Damn you, devil food! (Mmm … devil’s food!)

warcrygirl
15 years ago

I did 15 minutes of a dance workout today and not only did I elevate my heartrate I also reminded myself that I have NO rythym. Then I did 15 minutes on my stair stepper AND walked to pick up the kids from school.

Please keep blogging about working out, for some reason that motivates me and you have no idea what a feat that is.

fellowmom
fellowmom
15 years ago

Pony Play and hufu are both giving me the squicks. I saw that episode of Real Sex. My thoughts were: (1) wah? and (2) the effort some people have to go through. . .

I came across a newborn photo of my boys on iPhoto a few weeks ago, and I thought it must be a bad one. Then I looked through a bunch more and had the same realization: I was clearly under the influence of the post partum equivalent of beer goggles during their first few weeks.

Loved the quicktime file.

Alyson
15 years ago

Just a reminder, walking without the unhappy baby is an option, too. Just sayin’ might be a good “mental health” break.

See, I would never contemplate tofurky for a sandwich. Sandwiches in general are not my cuppa most of the time (unless it is a really spectacular one). A yummy one is roasted veggies stuffed in a hollowed out French roll, served with AuJus. Only points are in the roll. The rest…..Freebie! Way yummy, too. If you like your veggies, that is. I am not one for eating raw carrots and celery is just plain nasty – unless it comes with Hooter’s wings and blue cheese dressing, but I can come up with some pretty amazing things to do with veggies otherwise.

Try salad greens, green onion, a bit of chopped red pepper and some thawed out frozen corn with about 3 or 4 ounces of smoked turkey chopped up (just from the deli – that’s all) and some low fat ranch dressing (a couple of tablespoons for the whole thing). I don’t even like ranch dressing and I like this salad. Wrap it up in a tortilla (or stuff it in a pita half) and it’s a sandwich. Again, low points, and yummy! And great for warm times of the year. This is a recipe I dust off for baseball season every year. With two boys AND a husband playing baseball. I need a quick, easy meal that the whole family will eat. This fills the bill. I can make up the salad part ahead of time, keep the dressing separate, and then mix together when you are ready to eat.

Steve Wilson
Steve Wilson
15 years ago

Don’t eat anything that begins with To(e)… but everything that ends in ‘to(e).

emily
emily
15 years ago

i love pulp fiction.

samantha jo campen
15 years ago

I think he was a cute baby too! And I love how his lips haven’t changed. You can tell from a mile away that that newborn baby is Riley The Toddler. My niece looks COMPLETLEY different now at 14 months old than when she was first born. If I wasn’t there when she popped out I wouldn’t think it was the same kid.

We don’t have kids yet but I totally worry that we’ll have an ugly baby/kid and everyone will know it but me and my husband. Or we’ll have a socially awkward child with no ability to form relationships, have no friends, and hubby and I will not have a clue as to why. Sigh.

christen
15 years ago

Keep it up with the WW, you can do it. I just got 18 activity points. Yeah. 18. I am now enjoying wine and a tasty pizza the bf made with asparagus, red peppers, chicken and havarti cheese. YUM.

Jennifer
15 years ago

Aw – he was a cutie little newborn. And quickly turned into an ultra-cute baby. How old was he for that photo in your “All & Sundry” banner at the top of the page — the photo on the left side – yelling from the highchair? THAT photo is the cutest EVER.

Amanda
15 years ago

Gotta tell ya, I just ain’t buying the ugly thing, unless some mom competitiveness made you post a special picture. That is 100%, Grade A, certifiably adorable baby face!

In the midst of your WW misery, may I ask if you are lifting weights at all? It is the single fastest way to super charge your weight loss. Get a couple of dumb bells and do some squats and dead lifts…you could always do squats against a wall holding Riley.

Keep up the good work. And I’ve had tofurkey, I’m so sorry!

Omu
Omu
15 years ago

The newborn photo totally looks like him now, but then if that makes any sense. :)

Christen, what did you do for 18 activity points? Give birth or something?! I’m lucky if I get three! The WW thing does get easier. Just keep working it and giving it time. And eat lots of carrots, broccoli, salsa, and other 0 point stuff. I love the 1 point big fudge bars you can buy. Filling and low points!

Shawna
15 years ago

Actually, and I have no idea how he knows this, but a friend of mine once confidently asserted that most mystery meat tastes like chicken if it’s lighter and beef if it’s darker, but that human flesh tastes a lot like pork. I have no idea if it’s true, but using the peculiar reasoning that we can use pig valves in our human hearts makes me think it may be true. No, there’s no arguing with that logic…

Moose
15 years ago

Tofurkey, in my mind, tastes like longing. As in, longing to eat something with some taste to it.

That is one very cute baby. So much that my ovaries hurt.

Sarah
15 years ago

Having been there to see Riley pretty early on, I can safely say I thought he was pretty cute. And you both were so (drugged) and proud… I think the thing is that the overwhelming weight of what has just happened belongs to the parents but is also spread to everyone they encounter. It infects us *all* dude. We may not see exactly the same thing, I’m sure, but it’s the wonderful feeling of observing a radiant family with their new little person that makes people see the cuteness in even the most red-faced smooshed babies.

K
K
15 years ago

“A lizard.” Heh. What I find stunning about newborns is how much they all look alike. I remember going to my OB/GYN at the requisit six week post-partum visit and seeing a picture on the wall of a child I could swear was my son, but it clearly came attached to an announcement from someone else. “That’s the reason they have wristbands,” my doctor said.

That said, Riley looks like a pretty handsome newborn in that photo. He’s certainly not Seinfeld worthy.

Oh, and Trina, I didn’t have that instant love feeling either. I think I was too exhausted and sore to think about loving anything just yet. That came later.