July 18, 2007

A few weeks ago my coworker T and I were talking about Top Gun. T put forth the oft-repeated theory that Top Gun is in fact a thinly disguised celebration of male homosexual love, and this being one of my favorite subjects—Top Gun and its homage to hot man-on-man action, that is—I immediately launched into a frothy-mouthed monologue about how of COURSE it is, how about that VOLLEYBALL scene, or the carefully arranged naked legs in the LOCKER ROOM OMG, and how about all those lines of dialogue like “He’s on my tail coming hard!” and oh, Top Gun is just the gayest movie that ever gayed, it’s just SO INCREDIBLY PORNISHLY GAY, and really, it’s sort of a work of art in its gayitude, and I think I may have used the term “sausage fest” more than once, and then? Then, later that afternoon? I was talking with my office-mate A, who had been present for the entire Top Gun conversation, and while I was in mid-sentence about something or other, probably about how Tom Cruise huffs so much dong, I glanced down at his shirt and saw the white on black lettering that read, wait for it, TOP GUN.

That’s right, my coworker had on a freaking Top Gun T-SHIRT (it read “Wingman” on the back). Which I had somehow managed not to notice during my entire sermon about the cornholing gayness of Top Gun.

Lesson learned: if one of your coworkers slinks away snickering while you are busy pointing out the various reasons why a well-known macho movie is more gay than a truck full of parrots, you should probably look around to see if any other coworkers are wearing a shirt advertising said movie. Then shut your big dirty trap before you find yourself saying “snowballing” in reference to Iceman.

Comments

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
57 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Tamara
15 years ago

That’s not so bad, try going on and on about the weirdness of the Mormon religion and how you are sure there is really interesting stuff going on in that Temple of theirs and how they follow the angel Moroni but don’t want to call themselves Morons and keep talking while your professor from Utah, whose wife is expecting their third child, who was married in THE TEMPLE sits and listens politely at the back of the room, and then wonder why he didn’t want you to be his TA. Yeah… I don’t talk about religion in mixed company any more. (and to any LDS people who read your site, I am sorry, I think these things about all religion, not just yours. I just get very intrigued when there is secrecy involved.)

LauraH
15 years ago

Flashback 10 years ago. My grandmother (in law)’s funeral. We were talking about movies with one of my husband’s cousins and his fiance’. The subject came around to Forrest Gump. We were talking about its merits versus some of its stupider moments when fiance’ said,”I mean…come on… who in the hell would name their kid Forrest????” Silence. And then the cousin,”My father’s real name is Forrest…” God, we laughed ever so hard. Her Father in law…whom we all know and call Sonny (or Uncle Sonny) was actually born Forrest Wayne. Now that’s a stick foot in mouth moment. They ended up divorced about 4 years ago. So I think there was more to it than her dislike of the name Forrest.

Melissa
Melissa
15 years ago

LOL! I hate when that happens. I agree with the previous comments here about staying away from certain topics like religion, politics, etc. Keeps you out of trouble but I always manage to say the wrong thing so what do I know! :)

Who wears a Top Gun t-shirt to work anyway?!?

Sarah
Sarah
15 years ago

That is completely and absolutely rad! You know damn well how many times I did stuff like that int eh office… And I lived to see the other side! :)

But also? What the hell was he doing even OWNING a TOP GUN/WINGMAN t-shirt??

hello insomnia
15 years ago

Who wears a Top Gun shirt after the age of 12? Or 1988?

Really.

Sarah
Sarah
15 years ago

Oh, and one of my own from outside Workplace:

Every year my lovely next-door neighbors have a end-of-summer party for the people on the block. Well I was meeting some new neighbors and we got to talking baby names and I started ripping on the name Sierra because it’s “weird” (don’t kill me if your/child’s/mom’s name is Sierra, I was just running my mouth out of anxiety, I actually think it’s a fine name) and the new neighbors stood politely there listing to me blather on foaming at the corners of my mouth about something I DIDN’T EVEN BELIEVE when I come to learn their son’s name is Cedar (warning flag #1). Later that same year they had another child, a girl, and what did they name her? Oh yes, of course, you totally guessed it: SIERRA.

Suffice to say I haven’t really talked to them since…

angela
15 years ago

“Who wears a Top Gun shirt after the age of 12? Or 1988?

Really.”

HAAAAAAA.

Also, Sarah, I totally rip on the weird things people name their kids all the time. ‘Cept when I get the “My kid/niece/wife/whatever is named Sierra” comment, I keep going. But then, I don’t have very good social skills either.

Jessamyn
15 years ago

Ok, with that in mind, you REALLY have to see this. Really. You must.

Gwen
15 years ago

Dude, Top Gun IS the gayest movie of all time! You shouldn’t feel bad when what you were saying is just the truth.

TinaNZ
TinaNZ
15 years ago

You’ll appreciate this one (maybe). In a previous job, the pay slips were delivered to our desks monthly. One day the lady is dropping them off, and a co-worker jovially asks “so, Karen, when is the baby due?”. Karen: “I had him last month”.

Not that I can point the finger. At another job, a colleague tells me “my wife is pregnant”. Me: Congratulations, well done, you stud you, etc. Him: “It’s not mine”…..

Some things you just can’t come back from so it’s not even worth trying.

Sunshyn
15 years ago

You know what? Name your kid whatever you want. Just don’t misspell it. It makes you look ignorant. I’ve been thinking this child is named “Soliz,” which is a perfectly lovely name. It means “light” in Spanish. But, no, her ignorant mother spelled it “Seleese.” Puhleeze.

Pete
Pete
15 years ago

Ya know, I never looked at Top Gun as a gay movie, just a mediocre one. So, the big question is Was the guy wearing the shirt gay?

Pete
Pete
15 years ago

I learned a long time ago that unless the women looks like she is carrying triplets not to ask if she is pregnant.

Jack
Jack
15 years ago

This is one of the funniest pieces of writing I’ve ever read! The delivery is fantastic! Can you do stand-up?? (No, seriously!)

Erin
Erin
15 years ago

You might be my hero.

Anonymous
Anonymous
15 years ago

Wow, this entry is further proof of why I love you. You’re DEFINITELY my hero.

Emily
15 years ago

“Cornholing Gayness and the Wingmen” would be an AWESOME name for a rock band.

Pete
Pete
15 years ago

Don’t know, but if I was the guy I would have been tempted to say “Ya know girl, I thought the best part of the movie was when Maverick put his missile up the guy’s tailpipe.”

Kathryn
Kathryn
15 years ago

whoops, that was me commenting anonymously a second ago. And Tamara, don’t even get me started on the Mormons! Do you know how often I have put my foot in my mouth going on and on about my ridiculous obsession with them and their crazy secret made-up insanity, only to find that someone I’m talking with is Mormon?

I really need to learn my lesson, but I can’t help it! They’re so weird and wonderful!

alina
15 years ago

I know it’s useless…but Kathryn…I swear we’re not crazy. :)

Megan
Megan
15 years ago

Wait, wait, wait. What are you saying, here? Top Gun is a GAY movie? You mean Goose isn’t gonna miraculously come back from the dead and run off with me to Candy Mountain? WHY, GOD? WHY?

Tammy
Tammy
15 years ago

I laughed so hard reading this…because this is something I would do..

You are sooo my hero..

Josh
15 years ago

First off, yes. Top Gun makes Brokeback Mountain look like a slutty James Bond flick. It’s gayer than Elton John’s peen inside Freddie Mercury. So what you really should have done is slapped that dude and told him to stop pretending he doesn’t love the cock. Cleary he does. His shirt should have read Wang Men, not Wing Man.

As for akward slips of the tongue, it happens to everyone. I was at a bar the other week and had maybe had a beer or ten too many. I ran into a friend from middle school who was with this chick I knew in high school. We got to talking and the other girl was wandering about, wearing almost nothing, and sitting on every lap in sight. So I asked if she was a total whore now or what. Well her fiance happened to be standing right across the table from me. Ooops. I’m glad I have such large friends.

Also, I was dating this girl once and we were laying in bed, talking before sleep. Somehow the conversation turned towards bisexual people and I went off on some of the lame fashionably bi chicks I knew in school. (ie: girl from last story) I went on about how they were complete attention whores who only did it to be trendy and they needed to stop being such posers and make up their trampy little minds as to who they wanted to bump uglies with. Turns out my girl was fashionably bi in high school. Double ooops.

Later on, with the same girl friend, (not the same night thank god) I went off on a rant about catholic chicks, and how they were damaged goods riddled with constant guilt who couldn’t commit to anything and needed not only a deep dicking from a man who knew his up from down, but also needed to relax every once in a while, just enough to pull that giant stick out of their collective asses and have some spontaneous fun. Tripple ooops.

I’m quite familiar with making myself look like a total deuche bag with shit I don’t really mean. (As you well know! Thanks for being understanding Sundry)

Katie (The Yap)
15 years ago

OMG. This is a completely new theory to me. Really, the gayest part of the movie is the gross way Tom Cruise tries to french kiss.

Katie (The Yap)
15 years ago

OMG. This is a completely new theory to me. Really, the gayest part of the movie is the gross way Tom Cruise tries french kissing…with his tongue just going all nasty all over poor Kelly McGillis.

andrea
15 years ago

Oh my god, you are hilarious!

Anyone who has the balls to wear a Top Gun shirt to work should be able to take a co-worker discussing the utter gayness of the movie, even if at the time you were not aware of the shirt.

Alyson
15 years ago

How about being in a competitive speech tournament, delivering your carefully researched and written speech about Judicial Attitudes Toward Rape Victims (this was the late 70’s, people, and I was in high school) and the judge for your round of the tournament……..wait for it……A CATHOLIC MONK!!! Needless to say, I got my lowest scores of the tournament from that judge.

Top Gun a really gay movie???? I can totally see it. But then again, I have had my doubts about ol’ Tom for quite a few years!

Alexis
Alexis
15 years ago

In highschool during a choir concert a girl was playing flute. I turned to the girl next to me and said, “I don’t know why they got HER to play, I could have a done a MUCH better job. She’s AWFUL, out of tune…did she even practice once?”

My classmate then said “Yeah. That’s my sister.”

Try getting out of THAT one. I’d gladly trade with you :/

Anonymous
Anonymous
15 years ago

jessamyn: that was excellent
sundry: I once, as a twelve or thirteen year old at a dinner with not only my mom and dad, but their friends and friends teenaged kids mimic’d my mom, who I thought was snoring loudly during an afternoon “nap” that she and my dad were taking, only it sounded like, oooh, oooh, oooh, and it wasn’t till about 3 years ago, that I realized that it was a little afternoon delight that was going on, and I am now in my forties. I do remember going on and on about it though because my dad thought it was funny and everyone at the table was laughing their ass off. Except of course my mom.
My question now is do I apologize for having embarrassed her, or tell my dad he should thank me for making him look like a big stud? I honestly did not know what was going on because damn, your parents don’t fuck…..I’m embarrassed now.

Gentry
15 years ago

Jessamyn, you made my day.

Sundry, you had the night, nay, OBLIGATION to go on a Top Gay Gun diatribe. He was subliminally provoking you with that t-shirt.

Here’s the wierd part: I totally want a Top Gun tshirt. Just to shake things up, agent provacteur style.

Pathetic admission: I used to blast Kenny Loggin’s “Danger Zone” with the seat tilted back in my new for 1986 CRX and punch the airconditioning buttons while yelling “I’m switching to guns! I’m switching to guns!” While driving. And I thought I was being cute.

Oh what an impact that gay movie made.

lizshaw
15 years ago

LOL! I thought I was the queen of conversational faux pas but I evidently I am surrounded by a whole team of people with the foot-in-mouth disease.

Gentry, my husband STILL does crap like this at the age 37. Most car rides are like a scene from Top Gun or some other 80s movie involving tanks, machine guns, heavy fire, and explosives. Makes the ride go quicker anyway…

Kaire
Kaire
15 years ago

I’m laughing myself silly at both the post and the comments! My assumption on the shirt would be that it’s something semi-subtle that he wears in hopes of finding others like him. After all you can’t always judge who’s a Top Gun fan in a glance …

Did suddenly make me remember when I saw that movie. That was back in the days of beta vs. vhs and my friend’s boyfriend HAD to have us all watch the movie because it was the GREATEST MOVIE EVER! The boyfriend’s name? Rimmer. Yes, that’s right, his parents named him that …. she never believed me when I said that relationship was going no where!

Rumblelizard
Rumblelizard
15 years ago

(Rumblelizard tries hard to master the urge to kick Josh as hard as she can in the taint.)

Josh, just because you think it doesn’t mean you should say it. And you might want to take a close look into that misogynistic fever swamp that’s passing for your mind to understand why you think it.

“Deuchebag” doesn’t really cover it, slick.

Lawyerish
15 years ago

Was he, ah, wearing the t-shirt with irony? Because I have trouble imagining why a fully grown, sentient adult would wear a Top Gun shirt TO THE OFFICE in 2007. But maybe that’s me.

I don’t want to say this, but I have to; the urge is too strong to resist: Sundry, you can be my wingman anytime.

Andrea
Andrea
15 years ago

Reading your post, then watching the YouTube – I’m laughing so hard tears are rolling down my face.

We made a Totally Rad Workout mix a couple years ago featuring not one, but two songs from the Top Gun soundtrack. If you want a copy, let me know. We even designed a CD cover and everything.

Beth
15 years ago

I had to look up snowballing, and I have to say I’m very sorry I did it. I am going to have to rent Top Gun though, I think it will be a much better movie this way.

dorrie
dorrie
15 years ago

Oh dude, it so could have been worse.

stephanie brown
stephanie brown
15 years ago

Hey Rumblelizard,
You have to acknowledge that he (Josh) does at least apologize. That is one think to take note of…..considering most men don’t have those words in their vocabulary. And he really does have a great mind….he just has a lot to be pissed off about.

Rumblelizard
Rumblelizard
15 years ago

Stephanie Brown: He has a lot to be pissed off about? Oh, I see. So that excuses him suggesting that Catholic (or any) women need a “deep dicking” to make them acceptable to Josh? So you agree that sexual brutalization is a great way to make a woman “relax” and somehow fix the fact that, in Josh’s “great mind,” she’s “damaged goods”? Excuse me while I laugh scornfully for a minute.

Also, you say the fact that he acknowledges that he’s a horse’s ass is reason for me or any other woman to give him a free pass? Wow, that’s a great point. By that logic, all a racist has to do after they call someone a nappy-headed nigger is to add, “Well, I’m a douchebag, after all. What can I say?” Free pass for the cross-burner! He admitted he’s an asshole!

Misogyny and sexual degradation are not OK. Misogyny is vile, it’s loathsome, and it’s pervasive throughout our society. Josh’s comments were an excellent example of misogyny and sexual degradation in action. It’s sad that we’re all so used to this kind of garbage that Josh’s comment and the hundreds of other contemptible comments like it that we see every day seems normal–and even defensible!–to many women, and you in particular.

Lastly, I’m kind of shocked that you’d say someone who thinks it’s OK to suggest those kinds of things be done to women has a “great mind.” You might want to re-think your definition of “great,” there, Stephanie. Just a thought.

stephanie brown
stephanie brown
15 years ago

I’m very sorry to have offended you, Rumblelizard.
Everything I have tried to type after that statement has just come out…wrong. I think that’s because this is the internet and it’s really rather pointless to exlplain myself to someone who has no idea who I am or who Josh is for that matter.

Linda, I apologize for “starting” this on your blog.

Jessica
15 years ago

You know, I’ve never actually seen Top Gun. It’s kind of a point of honor now. =)

Jenny J.
15 years ago

Don’t worry about it stephanie. :) The whole point of this post was things you wish you hadn’t said, right? I think that was his point.

Sundry, I love this post!

Sort of off topic, but this is reminding me that I was in the 6th grade when that movie came out. Just 12, just starting to like boys and wonder about sex… Then, my dad decided to have a little father/daughter day and said we could go to the movies and I could pick. Me, being a pleaser, decided to pick Top Gun because it seemed like a movie my dad would like, more than whatever kid movie would have been playing at the time. OH. MY. GOD. ….take my breath aa-waaayyyy…. I still shiver at the thought of the longest most uncomfortable sex scene ever, all tongues in profile, SITTING NEXT TO MY DAD, and I am 12.

stephanie brown
stephanie brown
15 years ago

Jenny,
Yea, I was pretty much going on his comment of “shit I don’t really mean”. Reason A out of many that I quit drinking…I said a lot of things I never really meant to begin with.
And on the topic of really awkward sex scene moments….I used to hate having to sit in the same room with my Aunt and Grandmother while they watched their soaps….AWKWARD…

Sundry
Sundry
15 years ago

You guys want to talk about awkward movie-watching, as a gawky teenager I watched The Exorcist with my uncle — right up until the crucifix-vaginal-jabbing scene, after which I DIED.

Rumblelizard
Rumblelizard
15 years ago

Stephanie, you weren’t the one who offended me. Josh was. You just sort of surprised me by defending him. But apology accepted, and thank you.

breckgirl
15 years ago

Call me crazy but I never had any hint that there was any gayness at all about Top Gun. What I CAN recall was the sudden awakening of my teenage sexuality during the whole “Take My Breath Away” sex scene. The weird blue lighting, the shadows of tongues touching, the slow but deliberate caressing – hell, I’m getting horny just thinking about it. Yep, my true sexual awakening occurred in a movie theater, sitting next to my damned parents. I was so enthralled I don’t even think I was embarrassed.

And just a side note – my husband is a TOTAL Top Gun fanatic. We still love “Highway to the Danger Zone” and blast it whenever it comes on the radio. Why just the other day we were contemplating making a great 80’s mix for the Ipod and of course, that was one of our top picks. But really – he told me that he once did some slide show presentation of photos that he’d taken of different planes (okay, he was like 10, so give him a break) and the soundtrack for the slideshow was – you guessed it – HIGHWAY. Even now, whenever Top Gun is on TV, it is as if he is overcome by the TV Coma. I can’t break his focus – he is completely locked in on the TV and there is no hope of removing him from the couch until the movie is over. Oh – and I can guarantee that my husband is definitely NOT GAY. I don’t mind watching the movie at all – the volleyball scene, the towel scene, and of course, that racy sex scene. Well, it was racy to me as a child, anyway. I LOVE Top Gun – but yeah, I can’t really see why someone (an adult, for God’s sake) would be wearing a Top Gun tee that says “Wingman” on the back. Was he just trying to be hip somehow? Hmmm. I bet he won’t wear it again – at least around you, huh?

Becky
Becky
15 years ago

Jessica…you must watch it ASAP!!!!!!!!!! It is just hilarious.

Gentry
15 years ago

I’m totally making up tshirts that say “I Loved Top Gun, I’m Gay, And There’s Nothing Wrong with That.” Who wants one?

Kaire: Rimmer!!!??? Good God! There is a circle in hell for parents who give their children wierd names. Rimmer’s parents will be next to mine.

victoria
victoria
15 years ago

Oooh, I can top that one.

Scene: browsing the sales rack while a girlfriend is in the fitting room. Run into another friend. Chat idly.

Pick up hideously patterned, semi-transparent, semi-denim, SEQUINED yet CASUAL blouse thing from sales rack and say to friend, “Isn’t this the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen?”

She responds, “I just bought it.”