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18

Proof I am a very bad person

July 18, 2007

A few weeks ago my coworker T and I were talking about Top Gun. T put forth the oft-repeated theory that Top Gun is in fact a thinly disguised celebration of male homosexual love, and this being one of my favorite subjects—Top Gun and its homage to hot man-on-man action, that is—I immediately launched into a frothy-mouthed monologue about how of COURSE it is, how about that VOLLEYBALL scene, or the carefully arranged naked legs in the LOCKER ROOM OMG, and how about all those lines of dialogue like “He’s on my tail coming hard!” and oh, Top Gun is just the gayest movie that ever gayed, it’s just SO INCREDIBLY PORNISHLY GAY, and really, it’s sort of a work of art in its gayitude, and I think I may have used the term “sausage fest” more than once, and then? Then, later that afternoon? I was talking with my office-mate A, who had been present for the entire Top Gun conversation, and while I was in mid-sentence about something or other, probably about how Tom Cruise huffs so much dong, I glanced down at his shirt and saw the white on black lettering that read, wait for it, TOP GUN.

That’s right, my coworker had on a freaking Top Gun T-SHIRT (it read “Wingman” on the back). Which I had somehow managed not to notice during my entire sermon about the cornholing gayness of Top Gun.

Lesson learned: if one of your coworkers slinks away snickering while you are busy pointing out the various reasons why a well-known macho movie is more gay than a truck full of parrots, you should probably look around to see if any other coworkers are wearing a shirt advertising said movie. Then shut your big dirty trap before you find yourself saying “snowballing” in reference to Iceman.

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victoria

16 years ago

Oh, and Top Gun? My brother dated Kelly McGillis.

Melanie

16 years ago

Well, he totally deserved it, for being gay enough to wear a Top Gun T-shirt. What is it, 1990? Plus you got to say “sausage fest” a lot, which is always, always fun. Honestly, I’ve never seen Top Gun. Tom Cruise has never been an actor I’ve been a fan of.

Juno

16 years ago

Thankfully, I’ve never had to watch Top Gun all the way through. Or with my Dad as a teenager. *shudder

Sorry, my hubby has a lot of you beat on this topic.

The first time he met my Dad’s parents before we got married, we were at their place for some holiday, maybe a birthday. We were sitting around watching TV, when a commercial comes on about emphysema. Hubby turns to my youngest brother, then about 13 I think, and says to him,

“You know what the lung of someone who has emphysema looks like? It’s like you put it in the oven and baked it at 400 degrees for 10 hours.”

(Me, the whole time jabbing him less and less discreetly with my elbow)

“Ow, why are you elbowing me?”

Oh, gee, I don’t know. Could it be my Grandfather sitting right behind you with his oxygen tank because he HAS EMPHYSEMA?!

MRW

16 years ago

Thank god I’ve been out of town and haven’t had a chance to read this post or the comments until today when there is no one in the office because there is no way I’d have been able to stifle the guffaws of laughter coming from me. Seriously, I’ve got to stop reading you at the office…