July 24, 2007

I had a wildly inappropriate dream about Adrian Grenier the other night after watching Entourage. I woke up disgusted with myself, because really: Vince? Come on, how boring. Admittedly Entourage has slim pickings for lustful REM fantasy material, but I’d like to think that given the choice I’d at least go with Ari, whose asshole-ish qualities far surpass Vince’s giant Bambi eyes in terms of sex appeal.

The Vince-dream was a real anomaly, probably triggered by roiling pregnancy hormones (I can just picture JB reading this, going “Jesus, woman, I’ve got your hormone cure right here,” while—of course!—gesturing at his pants). I haven’t had a good movie star crush in ages. Sure, there’s Clive Owen, but while I can easily picture various scenarios in which I am a naughty schoolgirl and he is a strict—yet helplessly tempted—teacher (“Oh, Mr. Owen, isn’t there something I can do about this grade?”), he doesn’t quite trigger the starry-eyed obsession that I experienced after watching Lord of the Rings in 2003.

Which is probably a good thing, because when you’re 29 years old and spending half your day dreaming about a threesome with characters from a movie, one of which is a goddamned ELF, you probably need some mood stabilizers.

(We will not speak of my brief yet smoking-hot love affair with Captain Jack Sparrow, from the original movie only, and what it means that a flamboyantly gay pirate turned my crank so, and we will definitely not speak of the fact that I actually read some Pirates of the Caribbean erotic fanfic, OH MY GOD.)

As long as this entry is lying down here all naked in the gutter, I might as well tell you about the other day when I was drawing on Riley’s Magna-Doodle pad for him. He wanted me to first draw a “SOOCLE!” (circle), which I did, like so:

bbdraw1.jpg

Then he asked for another circle, “TWO SOOCLE!”. “You want me to draw two circles?” I asked, and he said “OKAY!”, and so two clumsily drawn circles were produced:

bbdraw2.jpg

JB moseyed by, peered at the screen, and asked if he could draw something (Riley: “OKAY!”). JB grabbed the pen and carefully added two dots on the circles:

bbdraw3.jpg

At that point Riley took one look at the drawing, then pointed to it and gleefully cried, “MOMMY! MOMMY’S BEE BEES!”

I’m not sure if I should be 1) impressed, 2) dismayed, or 3) disturbed that my hooters apparently resemble the drawing you see here.

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Eric's Mommy
14 years ago

Ha Ha!

I was getting Eric in the shower with me when he was real little and he pointed at my nipples and said BERRIES! Mommy’s berries!

Michelle
Michelle
14 years ago

That magna doodle stuff is too funny. Now I have to go take a cold shower after all that sex talk and Clive Owen.

Brooke
14 years ago

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Ah, you bring joy to my boring grey cubicle.

Karla
14 years ago

Oh yes. How I love Entourage. Ari makes that show. He is the most awesome asshole ever.

You know, this might be TMI and all, but that drawing isn’t that far off from mine these days.

Pete
Pete
14 years ago

Ah, they are like Lighthouses, shining out.

warcrygirl
14 years ago

It could have been worse, he could have drawn your nips pointing south. Everyone loves beebees!

TinaNZ
TinaNZ
14 years ago

Err, you weren’t alone on the elvish threesome thing. Or, cough, so I hear.

Jamie
14 years ago

They sure do look…perky! This is the kind of anecdotal story that you whip out when he brings home his first serious girlfriend. Hehe.

Amy M.
Amy M.
14 years ago

Well, at least now you know what represents Mommy.

My math teacher could always draw perfect circles. Perhaps he was a tad repressed.

Jo
Jo
14 years ago

Lmao, thanks for brightening my morning :)

dani
dani
14 years ago

really? ari? i thought you’d go for E. he totally reminds me of JB.

Josh
14 years ago

Ari, really? But he’s a total twat! WTF people. I guess nice girls are boring too.

I’ll admit Liv Tyler was hot in Lord of the Rings. (Oh yeah elf woman, I’ll show you magic! You might even change expressions. No seriously, why are you so lame and aloof? Screw this, I’m gonna go try and score some poon from one of those hobbit beer wenches. They looked like fun. Plus I hear they have some great smokage and shrooms.)

And as far as akward child boobie stories, I have a doosie. When I was just a mini Josh, my mom took me and my middle brother to the zoo. We were standing at the Gorilla Shack or whatever it was called, and there was a nursing mother gorilla there. I turned to my mom and exclaimed in that innocent (but hardly quiet) childhood amazement, “Look Mommy! that gorilla has breasts, JUST like yours!” According to legend, she caught quite a few odd looks for that one.

Sorry mom, thanks for birthing me and all that.

cardiogirl
14 years ago

I haven’t had a good Hollywood crush in forever. The last crush I can remember was on Pierce Brosnan, but he’s getting kinda old now. I don’t have a crush on Steve from Blues Clues, but I do remember a period of time (before Joe joined the show and Steve left) wondering what Steve would be like in bed.

Jan
Jan
14 years ago

Yes, Viggo Mortensen has never been been quite so hot again as he was in that movie. And I just did some research about him (yes, I am a geek) and did you know? Stuart Townsend was first cast as Aragorn and then dropped because he “was not working hard enough.” Huh. I can’t imagine anyone else as Aragorn now. And speaking of imagination…

biscuit
biscuit
14 years ago

I heart when your blogs are “dirty” + I heart even more your hilarious scan-ins. I wanna do Jack Sparrow + Clive Owen too, they are delicious.

Those beebees looked alright to me!

Sunshyn
14 years ago

I heard a rumor Steve had to leave Blues Clues because he got hooked on heroin?

ShannonJ
ShannonJ
14 years ago

You’re better off than me – I have wildly inappropriate thoughts about Vinny Chase while still watching Entourage. He gets hotter every season. I love Ari, too, but in that sort of assholish-older-brother kind of way.

Anyone recognize Edgar from 24 the other night?

velocibadgergirl
14 years ago

Love it!

I think the only celebrity I’ve ever dreamed about in that way is Heath Ledger. Man, that was a really REALLY good dream.

Samantha
Samantha
14 years ago

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That was ssssoooo funny!

jonniker
14 years ago

HEH HEH HEH

Oh Riley. I agree that this will be fanTAStic ammo for when he has his first girlfriend.

Secondly, dude, Ari, YES PLEASE. I’ve had a giant crush on Jeremy Piven for going on ten years now, and Ari is just too delicious for words, toupee and all.

But oh no, nothing can compare to the ridiculous fantasies I had about the Lord of the Rings guys. HOO BOY YES. I was infinitely more partial to Legolas, which is, as you pointed out, absurd, because he was an ELF. But oh, how I was willing to let him pluck my bow if you know what I mean, and OH I THINK YOU DO.

*pant*

Keaton
Keaton
14 years ago

Wow, can you imagine how much he’s going to take after his father in, oh 13 years? Have fun with high school!

Jennifer
Jennifer
14 years ago

My cousin was told by her yougest of four (soon to be FIVE!) boys as she was getting out of the shower recently, “mama, you bootiful. you got big FAT yum yums!” Yeaaaaah, it’s time to start weaning.

Leah
14 years ago

You’ve revealed some pretty personal things on this here blog over the years, but MAN, PotC erotic fanfic? I am SHOCKED. If this were the other blog, I might have to scold you from atop my high horse and then threaten to take your children away lest they be harmed by your irresponsible behavior.

Leah
14 years ago

Also, I love how you say “when you’re 29 years old…” the way most people say “when you’re 12 years old,” which is usually followed by a knowing eyeroll. Glad to know I have one more year to cling to my childish fantasies.

Emma
Emma
14 years ago

If it’s the least bit of a consolation, I’d have totally hit both Aragorn and Legolas back in 2003… Come to think of it, even now…

And Cpt. Jack? Can I get a “hell, yeah!” in the back, please? (And for some reason, that looks a lot smuttier written down than it sounded in my mind…) Johnny Depp can buckle my swashes any time.

Sammypajamy
Sammypajamy
14 years ago

Those boobies! They STARE at me. All lopsided and angry and accusing-like.

And I have never liked you more then when you admit to the same geektastic shibble-shabble that the rest of us possess! The gutter is a crowded place!

g~
g~
14 years ago

At least you have that moment captured forever on your blog. JB should be proud of his boy–already recognizing the hooters.
I would say that my kids right recognize them if they were more tear-drop shaped and gazing pointedly at my navel. But…um…whatever.

Kaire
Kaire
14 years ago

I don’t know what’s worse, that he saw those as your boobs or that I saw them as Homer Simpson’s eye balls. D’oh!

M.A.
14 years ago

I love waking up to you! Wait, that didn’t quite come out right. Okay, let’s try this: you make my mornings! I read your blog first, even if there is an email with a screaming subject line with something like “3rd floor women’s bathroom 3rd stall shooting water to ceiling”. Because, seriously… I *deserve* to go into that kind of trauma with a Sundry Smile. Love the soocles and JB’s addition, and how scary is it, by the way, that not knowing either of you personally I can SO picture JB saying/gesturing about his cure for your hormones. (Cheer up — I’m still convinced that John Krasinski and I were truly meant to be together, 20 year age diff. be damned). (Oh. And I’m married. That too.)

kendra!
14 years ago

The more of a bastardo Ari is, the more I think he’s flaming hot.

ang
ang
14 years ago

Captain Jack AND Legolas? well hell, you’ve just made my morning! But I wonder why I only find Orlando Bloom hot with elf ears?? That’s kinda disturbing.

JennB
14 years ago

Ha!
P used to tweak my nipples if we were in the shower together. DAY-UM!! Ouch!

nonsoccermom
14 years ago

Ha ha ha! That is too funny!!

GoingLoopy
14 years ago

The elves don’t do it for me, but Captain Jack can take me to his special island.

And HAHAHA at Riley’s step-by-step Magna-Doodle instructions. He’ll probably teach all his friends in preschool that…

Moose
14 years ago

Oh, my. I am reminded of some really inappropriate Christian Slater thoughts. I’m not even redeemed by attaching these thoughts to the ’80s Christian Slater. These thoughts are about early ’90s (ahem) Robin Hood Christian Slater. When he wore tights.

Wow. That was embarrassing. I think I need a waffle.

Jennie
14 years ago

I kind of have a thing for E from Entourage… perhaps it’s the red hair, perhaps not. But I also have it BAD for Peter from Heroes (possibly better known as Jess from Gilmore Girls and also, I just figured out, as the guy in Fergie’s new video).

Gertie
14 years ago

you think hot dreams of Captain Jack are bad? I can top your disturbing fantasy luvah with one word: Beetlejuice!

Not the actor Michael Keaton, but the actual character.

What’s really fucked up is that I had this same raunchy dream TWICE.

Leah
14 years ago

Is it me or did you once draw a picture of yourself as some sort of fantastical winged goddess with similarly Playskool-style boobs?

breckgirl
14 years ago

Ooh – I love a good movie man crush. And I have some really embarassing ones. I LOVE Jason Stratham (don’t even know if I spelled that right and I don’t even care) from the Transporter movies. He gets me all hot and bothered. And I also LOVE Daniel Craig – you know, the new James Bond. Loved him in Layer Cake and was insanely jealous of Sienna Miller because she got to writhe all over his bare chest, tonguing him wildly. I don’t know why (and it amuses my husband to no end) it turns me on when guys in movies get really angry and aggressive and MANISH. And if they sweat or yell, well, I am over the edge. Oooh – Russell Crowe in L.A. Confidential – so mean and sweaty. YUM-O.

Loved the pic of your bee bees. I shudder to think what my child might point at to indicate my bee bees. Test tubes? Soaking wet water socks? Upsidedown traffic cones? Pitiful half-filled water-balloons that stretch about eight inches from the hand holding them? Sigh. At least yours were round and the nipple was actually in the middle and dangling off the bottom!

Danielle
Danielle
14 years ago

Hee! Bee bee is my daughter’s nickname so she uses a different word – bubbles, or buhbowlz. Sadly, mine have not resembled -buhbowlz- since she was weaned. WTF? *glances forlornly at chest* I envy your round bee bees.