September 20, 2007

I keep being surprised at the many ways in which a kitchen remodel can greatly inconvenience a person. I mean, there’s the not-being-able-to-cook thing, and the no-dishes thing, but as I’ve learned over the last couple days, there’s also the tearing-of-the-pants thing.

See, now that they’ve started painting we have the aforementioned plastic drape (complete with labia, now sadly taped shut) sealing the new area from the rest of the house, rendering our front door usable only for people working in the kitchen. Anyone else, such as the occupants of the house, has to circle around into the backyard and step over our makeshift wire fence. This is obviously no big deal for JB, but for yours truly it’s a massive pain in the ass, especially when I’m wearing heels and carrying a toddler/purse/armload of grocery bags.

I mean it’s literally a pain in the ass, because I’ve managed to get stuck on the top of the fence several times now, and now my one pair of semi-comfortable maternity jeans have little rips all over the heinie area. Yesterday I found myself mid-straddle with one shoe trapped in the fence while I flailed to keep myself from collapsing over the side, and I suddenly realized I was completely visible to all of the painters via a nearby window. I’m pretty sure a pregnant lady stuck on a fence makes for some fine visual entertainment, something to break up the monotony of applying primer, and while I couldn’t be certain I thought I heard a chorus of snickers as I finally detached myself and scurried away to my car.

(Luckily, later on a worker carrying a heavy box made his way through our entryway only to step directly on a stuffed squeaky toy that bleated a single, startling “EE-ERRRR!” like the death call of a spring lamb, and I could hear him bumbling the box and cursing under his breath in Spanish. HA! Vengeance is mine.)

I am officially so, so, so sick of this remodel. My house is filled with spiders and dust and cantankerous toddlers, I’m tired of eating microwaved food with plastic spoons, and now I have to rip my pants on a fence to get in and out. I know I’m going to love the end result, but jeeeeeesus christ we’ve been at this since . . . what, May? WAH.

Also, we keep trying to pick out a hanging light fixture for the nook area and hey, have you ever tried to take a toddler to a lighting store? Take it from me, this is not something you want to do unless the child is in restraints.

:::

Hey, the new blog is up and running! This first entry is mostly an introductory how-do, but please stop by and say hi if you get a chance. And don’t even mock me for that goofy picture on there, it’s the closest thing to a “head shot” I could find.

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hello insomnia
15 years ago

You must be very flexible for a pregnant woman. I could never get over that wire fence. I’d have to press my behemoth body into it until it gives way.

JennB
JennB
15 years ago

I totally understand… We’ve taken P to a couple of places during our renovation and when we go to Home Depot, we have to be VERY FOCUSED and get in and out before she realizes where she is…. she does not do well in any kind of furnishings/hardware/plumbing/lighting store. Can’t say that I blame her. Those places are BO-RING unless you have lots of money.

In other news, she’s taken the noun “Home Depot” and changed it to a new kind of noun – when she builds forts out of pillows, she’s “Making a Home Depot”. And, once at a friend’s house, she took their candle snuffer and went around the house, gently laying the snuffer on things and saying “This is not a Home Depot”, “this is not a Home Depot”.

Hilarious.

http://www.opaqueprintproduction.com/jbblog

Emily
15 years ago

Okay, you need one of these for your ass: http://totallyabsurd.com/bulletproofbuttocks.htm. I am sure your pants will be rip-free. And you will look like a ‘tard.

And also, for no real reason except that this guy is my new hero, check out this shit: http://www.tronguy.net/TRONcostume/

Pete
Pete
15 years ago

I always think of surfing porn when I hear the words ‘Head Shot’. I need to spend less time on the computer.

andrea
15 years ago

You are making me dread the thought of starting our kitchen remodel. On the bright side, the thought of having a dishwasher is enough for me to start tearing into it on my own right now.

I know how Riley feels, I hate lighting stores.

foodmomiac
15 years ago

I actually really liked that picture of you! I thought to myself, “that’s a really pretty picture.” So, not goofy. Good.

Sadie
Sadie
15 years ago

you poor bastard. The indignity of having to straddle a wire fence, pregnant and holding a squirming toddler, is really too much to bear by itself…and the sacrificing of comfortable maternity pants on each trip, well…why the fuck can’t JB remove a part of the wire fence in the interim??!

dorrie
dorrie
15 years ago

Dude, are you knocked up in your head shot?

Damn, girl, you got a lot of blogs!

Amy M.
Amy M.
15 years ago

I’m impressed you can get over that fence at all! I’d never be able to do that even when not pregnant, but then, I’m 5’2″. Maybe you can get a light stepstool to aid you & heft it over with you so you’d have it on the outside when you came home & Dog wouldn’t climb it to get out.

The head shot’s not bad. I think you look nice. Love your writing & glad to have another place to get a fix! But where on earth do you find the time, woman?

Emily
Emily
15 years ago

Should probably post this on the “milk and cookies” blog but I didn’t want possible newbies to think I was insane for telling you that “Raising Arizona” is quite possibly the best movie ever filmed. There is no way to go through a day without saying “I know, but honey.” and “You go in there and get me a toddler. They’ve got more than they can handle.” Ok maybe the first one more than the second. Anyway, I’m addicted to all of your blogs and can only assume I’ll be “milk and cookies” addicted too.

biodtl
15 years ago

I feel your pain. We are currently doubling the size of our tuny, tiny house and between the dust, noise, and critters, I also never know when there’s going to be no water, no hot water, no cold water, no electricity and/or no heat. Plus, this weekend, we have to disconnect the washer & dryer and move them into the addition. Which is not ready for them. Nor is it accessible without going 800 miles around the outside of the house. Yay, dirty clothes!

Marie Green
15 years ago

Oh man, I don’t know how you are surviving a kitchen remodel WHILE PREGNANT. I don’t remember all of my cravings when prego, but I’m pretty sure most did not involve the microwave.

And you new blog is exciting! So fun!

Josh
15 years ago

Bummer to hear about the detour to the food stuffs. I know that sucks. But I like the fact that you walk around whilst preggers wearing high heels and ass-ripped jeans. It just backs up my White Snake theory. I still can’t see why you can’t just jump over like JB. I mean you are super mom right? Don’t be shy.

You should get JB to bust out some of his manly ingenuity and figure out a way to jerry rig some shit that’ll open and close again, yet still seal out the paint and what not. Temporary velcro attached to the drop clothes or whatever it takes. That way you don’t have to walk around. Maybe some sort of high-school-play curtain set up where you have two layers that overlap but aren’t attached and can be parted. I don’t know the exact setup you guys have going or I could figure it out for sure. And if he seems reluctant just tell him you don’t feel comfortable if you aren’t in the kitchen because you are neglecting your womanly duties and maybe he’ll slip up and buy that BS.

Don’t worry about Riley. I’m sure he’s not gay. The male love of home improvement stores doesn’t develope until later in life. And I’m with Pete on the “head shot” tie in to porn. Something tells me I’m in for a big disappointment. I still can’t wait to see your new blog.

Deanna
Deanna
15 years ago

Will you be keeping a link on the sidebar to the new blog?

Sara
Sara
15 years ago

why don’t you fire them. i totally would. then burn my house down.

Liz in Australia
Liz in Australia
15 years ago

Ripping my pants would really piss me off. I have ONE pair of maternity jeans that I actually like – they are a) comfortable and b) bootcut. If anything happened to prevent me from wearing them every single day except when they need a wash (and then feel free to picture me hanging over the dryer til they come out), I would cry. I’m wearing The Other Pair today and they are just wrong.

Also, if I had to climb over a fence to get into my house right now, I would be living in my car…

janet
janet
15 years ago

ever consider moving into an apartment during the renovation? it’s cramped with a toddler, pregnancy, husband, cat and dog BUT! there are no paint fumes, construction dust, giant spiders, and a crew of construction workers in your way. also, a functioning kitchen! it may cost more to rent a place, but hey, you’re already spending all this for a renovation! whats a few thousand more for some sanity and a spider-free living area? think about it!

LauraH
15 years ago

I am thinking that you can turn a trip to the lighting store into a semi romantic evening out for some real food. Find a babysitter (maybe even overnight!), hit the store, pick out the light, and then go some place fab for dinner. Following it up with an overnight at a ritzy hotel would be kind of an awesome finish and keep you away from the paint, and the dust, and the workers, and the fence. Remodels suck, that is for sure, but it will be so cool to have the extra space…hopefully soon!

wealhtheow
15 years ago

“The death call of a spring lamb.”

That is priceless. I’m sure there is some sadly outdated Hannibal Lechter joke lurking around in there, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna try to find it.