Oct
19
October 19, 2007
Various weather sources were predicting a Dire Wind Storm yesterday, and around 4 PM I fled my office, panicking that I needed to get across the 520 bridge before a chunk of it was overtaken by powerful gale forces and ripped loose of its moorings, briefly floating on its own for a horrifying, gut-wrenching moment, before slowly tipping one end into the roiling waters—Titanic-style—and dropping into its black depths, bringing my car with it into its watery grave. While “The Salmon Dance” keeps playing on my iPod, oblivious to my terrified, eventually gurgly, screams, until the sweet stylings of the Chemical Brothers are drowned along with all bridge occupants. And then we’re all re-animated as water zombies. Fuck!
Luckily, none of that happened, although I did get that uneasy hey-the-bridge-is-mooooving feeling as I drove over, and I will say it’s a little disturbing when you have to turn on your windshield wipers when you’re crossing, not because it’s raining, but because waves are sending spray over your car, creepy. The storm ended up being nowhere near as bad as last year’s, although the media took it VERY SERIOUSLY.
I think JB may have been secretly hoping for a somewhat Dire Situation so he could try out the generator that he acquired after last year’s storm. He was a little disgusted with me when I asked if the generator would support a hairdryer, because “this is about survival, goddamn it!”. Obviously the man has no idea how important a blow-out can be to a person’s ability to make it through a catastrophe.
The generally crappy weather has coincided nicely with JB’s timing on scheduling the demolition and re-creation of our driveway, transforming the front of our house into a muddy warzone and requiring that a person walk out the backyard and around the side of the house—ridden with massive spiders and overgrown weeds—then descend our slippery side yard to the street in order to leave. I’ve learned it’s not a good idea to try this maneuver in Steve Madden heels, although I nicely aerated the lawn in the process.
I like how the porta-potty has now been placed for maximum viewing pleasure. Behold the Green Shitter, a fixture on our lawn since May 2007. Our neighbors must love us.
We did finally get the new fridge installed, and when I used the water/ice dispenser (!) this morning to get a drink, I nearly french kissed it in gratitude. In fact, I would have, but I didn’t want to smudge the finish, so I dry-humped it instead. Take me, GE Profile—your multitudes of storage and your complete absence of odor makes me so . . . hungry.
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Ever since the 35W bridge collapse here in Minneapolis, I hate feeling bridges MOVE when I drive over them. That’s just not right.
I have to know: since JB is a man of survival, what is his Disaster Plan when it comes to zombies?
HA HA! Dry humping the fridge…..love it!!
Your life seems to be taken over by one home-improvement project after another. When do we see the nursery pictures? Are you going to build one off of the new kitchen and right beside the new driveway?
We’re thinking of putting it in the Porta-Potty. What?
The nursery is no big concern, since we’ll put the baby in Riley’s current room with basically no changes. It’s the moving of Riley into his NEW room, which hinges on the completion of this remodel, that’s a little worrisome.
I can’t believe your re-model has been going on since May and you’re still coherent. We did our bathroom in 2005, which only took about two weeks and I was still ready to slit my wrists. I SO admire you for not just giving up and throwing yourself to the massive spiders!
You got a brand new fridge? (rather than move the cabinets due to mis-measuring of the old one?) How cool. Getting your food-chiller out of the living room has got to feel like a big step!
You’re still in remodel mode? Seriously. Your contractors should be strangled (you’ve probably dreamt of this many a night!). I think they built the pyramids in less time… but kudos to you for holding it together and not becoming the latest headline.
We had a windstorm last night and I was out with a headlamp in the sagebrush early this morning searching for all the recylclables that were blown to hell and gone. Damn wind.
Fridge-humping makes me think of Wet Hot American Summer, which is hilarious. Do you keep dick cream on top of the fridge?
Also, the Defective Yeti link is hilarious. I forget how funny he is sometimes.
Jennifer: no, we had a new fridge all along — JB just managed to lower its wheels to get it in place. The old fridge is STILL in the living room, because we are FANCY.
Dry humping the new fridge? I totally get that. We lived through a three-year total remodel of our home and certain appliances bring out strong emotions in me as well. For example, to this day, I cannot see the crock pot without feeling a need to curl up in the fetal position in a corner. One too many crock pot meals during a year without a functioning kitchen will do that to you, apparently.
Yeah weather hasn’t been so hot in Florida either; heavy rainstorms have created a ginormous mud – I won’t say puddle – more like pool in the backyard and the dogs would love to be jumping in it right now.
Oh and I am so jealous of your remodel; I would love to get a new fridge!
We are supposed to have wind on Sunday, but ours is of the hot, fiery variety. Not looking forward to having all the moisture sucked out of my body.
I have to admit that I, too, was hoping for a Dire Situation last night — I would have gotten to miss my flight to Dallas, thus effectively delaying my return to my favorite place in the world.
Also, props for maneuvering yourself around the muck in Steve Maddens — I can barely pull that off on a level surface, and I’m not even pregnant. Have you been making daily sacrifices to the gods of equilibrium or something?
Something to cheer up your day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1j_fxs8mUcQ
You guys lived in Las Vegas? That’s sort of awesome.
“In fact, I would have, but I didn’t want to smudge the finish, so I dry-humped it instead.”
Superb, just superb! :)
Like JB I was hoping for a bit of the wild weather too. I wanted to see how well my new house held up. Even in the whimpy wind that blew through I lost power two times and my cable went out right as Jeff Probst was commenting on Blonde girl’s blantant throwing of the immunity competition. I did also have to recover my garbage can from where it was blown; finally found wedged under a car across the street. Ah, the strength of Seattle’s utility infrastructure is impressive.
Hey speaking of dry humping, I do believe the Chemical Brothers just dry humped my ear hole to climax. That song was a bad ass mofo! Fo shizzle! W00t w00t!
Trust me when I say fuck your neighbors, you want that portable bastard as far from your house as possible. You know what’s in there? Those smells can permeate concrete and metal. Only the void of space stops that sort of thing. (shudders)
And I am being completely serious when I suggest that you put your old fridge next to your bed. No shit, it is awesome. I did it. I mean, I only have a mini fridge, but still, I can keep snacks or beer or whatever within arms length of my bed. Very convenient! You never know when you might be lying in bed watching TV naked and get a craving for some Budweiser and Ritz and pepper jack cheese, but not want to either get dressed or walk across you home. It’s perfect. And tell JB I said he’s the shit for fixing the fridge so it fits. He’s always representing for us dudes with his fixing of things and his leaping about like a ninja. Rock on JB, we salute you.
There has been a portajohn at the intersection of our street for two months now. It’s beautifully framed by every front-facing window in our home whilst Canadian men make with the repair of our neighborhoods water pipes. (Thank goodness there’s a Tim Horton’s just up the road or who knows if any work would get done!)
Our power went out in the wind storm. We seem to find the pocket of the city that will always loose power. Stupid power. It did come back this morning so I’m not too mad it at.
My kitchen remodel has been complete for about three months now and I STILL dry hump the fridge when I go get a glass of water. But wait, that could just be my sexy reflection…. :-)
Congrats on ONE working appliance!!! (besides the hair dryer)
… or to your neighbors’ delight, move the old fridge out by the porta-potty… in case the construction workers want a cold one while on-the-job (ooo, I slay myself), or perhaps for handy access to some refrigerated tubes of lube.
Yay for JB and fridge height adjustment! He should have been your project manager through all this.
Having good hair will get you through any major kinks life throws at you. Men just don’t understand!
Has the generator actually been tested? Got the right plugs and all? And know where they are- that part is kinda important. Might I suggest in a ziploc baggie TAPED to the generator? (owner’s manual, too, if it fits) *grin*
That fridge-humping business made tea leak out of my nose.
Did it have that “new car” smell?
French kissing…Dry humping…I am SO jealous right now!
Holy fucking hell fuck! You haven’t tested you generator? Well why the fuck not? Do you want a shitty generator when your power goes out? I thought not! Test it now. Let JB cut the main power for a few minutes and test it! You could even run your hair dryer off it for the time being. But make sure it works!
And when did you ever mention living in L.V.? Did you live there? For real? Tell us the GD story. I’m a licensed minister, i need to know this sort of thing. L.V. is my sorts town!