October 24, 2007

For some reason I had it in my head that once the remodel work was finished and the contractors were out of our house, we’d be AH DONE, as Riley likes to say—we’d just seamlessly move into our new spaces like expanding blobs of protoplasm, or something. Sadly, this isn’t the case, despite the fact that I am continuing to embiggen in an impressive manner, something I’m sure is the fault of the massive 20-pound fetus I am carrying and has nothing whatsoever to do with the pumpkin-chocolate muffins I have been shoving into my food-hole at an alarming pace.

The old office must be packed up and re-strategized (the new office is smaller), Riley eventually needs to be moved into that room and thus we’ll have to toddlerize it, the new family room needs furniture, and our living room is a wreck. I need to go through Riley’s old baby clothes and basically send his current room back in time by two years, and I’m guessing by the ominous groaning sounds coming from the over-jammed hall closet, it’s about time to purge its contents of the useless stuff it constantly accumulates (an enormous, crumpled pile of non-matching cloth place mats: WHY?).

It all seems a little overwhelming. Thank god for pumpkin-chocolate muffins, which not only offer the benefit of improving one’s mood through elevated blood sugar, but are also so wonderfully dense, they render a person incapable of movement immediately after consumption. You can’t clean out hall closets if you’re in a muffin coma, is what I’m saying.

I have been talking about Things Related to the Remodel for so long on this blog I can’t believe anyone is still reading. This shit is boring as hell, I KNOW. But look at it this way: I could be talking about the unholy union between a human and a marine mammal. Things could be worse.

In other news, JB is still sporting the ‘hawk. He’s trying valiantly to be ballsy about it, but I can tell he’s counting the minutes until he can shave the whole thing off. Whenever he catches sight of himself in the mirror, he has the same hunted expression Dog did a few summers ago after JB attacked her fur with clippers, ostensibly to help her “cool down” in the hot weather—it’s a mixture of embarrassment and defensiveness (“What the fuck are you looking at?”). I think he looks sort of cute, personally, but it may be giving him a bad attitude. Last night I exclaimed over how our new oven releases this massive blast of heat when you open the door, enough to steam off your face if you eagerly stick your face down there to see how your fattening baked goods are doing, and he reacted as though I was the dumbest dumbass who ever watched a dirty dolphin video.

“Gee,” he said, sarcasm dripped from his words and splattering all over my nice clean kitchen floor. “I guess ovens can get pretty hot sometimes.”

(By the way, this is the same man who, twice a year, has to have the concept of Daylight Saving Time laboriously explained with short, easy-to-understand words and a napkin diagram, so I’m not sure he has room to mock.)

Lastly, I bought Riley the cutest damn pair of pajamas you ever did see, with the vague idea that he could be Hugh Hefner for Halloween. JB has informed me they would need to be silk pajamas to pull this off, and also what kind of mom encourages her kid to objectify women? (I laughed so hard at that I nearly lost control of my pelvic floor) but I maintain that if we attach a couple of Barbie dolls to each arm, the kid could have a smokin’ hot Hef outfit going on.

boy_blankiebear2.jpg

He might need to lose the bear and blankie, though.

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Banana
14 years ago

cutest pajamas indeed! He likes like a tiny little, stuff animal loving man.

mandy
14 years ago

Too cute! Go hef.

Try freecycle.org

people will actually come and pick up all your junk, leave it in the driveway. When I was nesting, it was my very best friend.

warcrygirl
14 years ago

OMG I’m loving the Hef-erization of Riley. Sounds like JB needs to shave the hawk before he comes home from work one night with earlobes the size of dinner plates.

Amy M.
Amy M.
14 years ago

Maybe you can just drape the blankie around him like a robe & use the bear as a toupee.

And where can I get a pumpkin chocolate muffin?

Jess
14 years ago

Do you think there’s a way that you could work JB’s ‘hawk into Riley’s Halloween costume? Like they could be a couple of ’70s British punks? Or will the shaving have happened by then?

hello insomnia
14 years ago

Oh I’m sure that Hef wears those kind of PJ’s, too.

jonniker
14 years ago

Seriously, I laughed right smack out loud at the photo of Riley. That rules.

As for Mandy’s rec for Freecycle, I might say that while yes, it’s lovely in theory, blah blah, I wanted to kill myself very slowly with the general IQ of the people on my e-mail listserv in my area.

“NEED: ME NEED NU CAR. THANX. PREFERABLY 1 THAT WORX. THANX AGEEIN, WILL PICK UP.”

I quit after the FRILLIONTH e-mail about how so-and-so deserved the rotting air mattress more than the person who got it, and isn’t it about serving the needs of “the group”? Like we were some kind of landfill-eschewing superheroes clad in used vacuum parts. And again, in the other corner, you had the freeloading sorts who were pissed that no one was giving away free Rolls Royces. Oh my God, I hate Freecycle.

Sarah
14 years ago

Riley is adorable in the PJs. You don’t say much about it on here, (maybe on one of the other blogs? I need to be a better reader) but how is Riley doing with the idea of being a big brother? Does he get it? Is he intrigued by the 20 lb. fetus? Just curious.

Jennie
14 years ago

Can we have the recipe for the pumpkin-chocolate muffins? PLEEEASE.

angela
14 years ago

Perhaps a blonde bear?

Jen
Jen
14 years ago

Sorry. Could not read past pumpkin-chocolate muffins. *drool* MUST.HAVE.PUMPKIN.CHOCLOATE.MUFFINS.

Christina
14 years ago

Ah, this post… tears. in. ma eyes… thank you!!! Wow, that was truly really funny.

NOW tell me where in the world did you those cute pjs?

Nice way to end the day!

anna
anna
14 years ago

What you really need to get is the satin dressing gown and then we’re talking Hef-styles…..

Jennifer
Jennifer
14 years ago

Ooo, if JB has trouble with Daylight vs Standard time, don’t try to explain the critical question: “why don’t the latest sunrise and earliest sunset of the year happen on the shortest day of the year” or his head may explode. On your nice clean new kitchen floor.

http://www.adsb.co.uk/date_and_time/winter_solstice/

And thanks for posting today’s entry so quickly, to get that Dolphin thing off the top of the page!

Anonymous
Anonymous
14 years ago

Tell JB to take heart – with the hawk, he looks kind of like Chuck Liddell. Needs some scalp tatoos, though.

My Buddy Mimi
14 years ago

You have electronic equipment on open shelves, and Riley hasn’t pulled it apart yet. I’m jealous!

Pickles & Dimes
14 years ago

Just swap out the bear for a bunny and Riley’s all set. Those jammies are too cute!

missbanshee
14 years ago

Riley: “Who’s so fine? RILEY’S so fine. Might have to put a sandwich in the DVD player later. Check back.”

biscuit
14 years ago

I love the costume idea! He may need a licorice/bubble pipe too to really set off the Hugh-ness.

Whoever leaves you a comment on this blog should get a free chocolate-pumpkin muffin mailed to them. :) Pretty please?

Rumblelizard
Rumblelizard
14 years ago

I have it from very reliable sources that Hugh Hefner does, in fact, tote around a teddy bear and a blankie. He also sucks his thumb. His PR people have been trying to suppress this stuff for decades.

Fay
Fay
14 years ago

So, maybe you’ve already addressed this, but… why not leave Riley in his room, thereby not needing to take it back in time 2 years, and put the baby in the new room?

Sorry if I missed it somewhere.

Kristie
14 years ago

The bear and blankie are props! I bet Hef needs props sometimes.

Leah
14 years ago

Riley as the founder of the Playboy empire? YES.

shygirl
shygirl
14 years ago

PUMPKIN CHOCOLATE MUFFINS?

OMG. How can you taunt your loyal readers like that? Recipe, please!!

Josh
Josh
14 years ago

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm … pumpkin … (drool souond)

You should get Riley one of those little bubble pipes, and a blow up doll. And JB isn’t having a bad attitude because he doesn’t like his incredibly manly hawk, he’s just responding to his testosterone levels trippling because of it. He may also start blowing things up and stabbing people who piss him off. This is normal, but will not pass until his hair returns to a less manly style.

Melissa
Melissa
14 years ago

Did I miss the recipe for the pumpkin-chocolate muffins? I’m salivating over here! Those pj’s are adorable…go for the Hugh costume. Hilarious.

Smalltopus
Smalltopus
14 years ago

I like the pictures.

Riley don’t mess up those pajamas I want to wear them.

Look Mom I found the Shift Key.

Sarah
14 years ago

Riley *needs* to be The Hef for Halloween. Not only would it be hilarious right now, but it would skyrocket you into the stratosphere of CoolMomdom when he gets to relay the story to his be-pimpled teenage friends in 11 or so years. Think of his future!

Carrie
Carrie
14 years ago

LOVE the pjs!! Do you have a link to where you got them by any chance? Riley looks absolutely adorable!!

Katie
14 years ago

I’m sorry… I couldn’t read anything past “pumpkin chocolate muffins.”

SERIOUSLY.

Danielle
Danielle
14 years ago

god you always crack me the hell up! And how freakin adorable is he in that picture? Too cute, and I see no problem dressing him as the Hef – I mean come on….what’s the big deal?

Screw the closets, they will be there, but this time to stuff yourself full of yummy muffins will be gone before you know it!

superblondgirl
14 years ago

Oh, oh, oh, the cuteness! I think I stopped breathing for a moment there – damn, he’s adorable!!!
Do you have a recipe for these muffins? (I assume there is a strangely hot oven involved, and perhaps some sort of daylight savings time somehow, and probably pumpkin. And chocolate) I could use some dense sugary goodness right about now.

lee
lee
14 years ago

riley makes a great hef- i bet hef wears diapers now too! my son is going as hef, adding a robe and a pipe, but he is 24. he plans on walking around with a camera and asking all the chicks if they want to be in his magazine.

sooboo
sooboo
14 years ago

Perhaps JB doing research for his Travis Bickle costume?

jessica fantastica
jessica fantastica
14 years ago

I think those slutty little Bratz dolls would make way better Playboy Bunnies than Barbie. Riley is definitely super cute in the pjs.

Laura
14 years ago

My god, he looks so much like you in that picture! Too cute.

We just lived through a kitchen remodel and my husband and I had a similar conversation. He still thinks I’m crazy, but I swear, our new oven is just really really hot.

Pete
Pete
14 years ago

I like your entertainment center, did you order it online of pick it up local?

Eric's Mommy
14 years ago

Those pumpkin chocolate muffins sound sooo good!

Love the Hef costume idea. Riley looks adorable!

Niki P.
Niki P.
14 years ago

Umm- yeah- where the hell is the recipe?? I need to be in my own muffin coma over here!

McWriter
14 years ago

Riley is a doll and a cute “Hef” at that. I hate to admit it, but “Girls Next Door” is one of my favorite shows!

Also, have I mentioned how impressed I am with JB’s woodworking mastery? Dude’s got skillz! Your entertainment center is b-u-t-ful!

Mommy Daisy
14 years ago

If you love Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Muffins, you will love these Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies I make. I started craving them when I was pregnant and it hasn’t gone away yet. I love them in the fall.

http://mommydaisy.blogspot.com/2007/10/pumpkin-cookies.html

omu
omu
14 years ago

Mmmm… pumpkin! Muffins, cookies, pies… They’re all good! I say for JB’s comment he’s banned from the muffins. No more pumpkin muffin for him!

Riley’s PJ’s are adorable!

Swistle
14 years ago

I had to read practically this entire entry out loud to Paul. Then I was laughing too hard to read it, which Paul finds half-endearing, half-breathtakingly-annoying. The mix of embarrassment and defensiveness, with illustrating quote, was my favorite part.

Those pajamas on Riley–TOO MUCH. JESUS. Give a girl a break. My eyes, they are burning.

LauraH
14 years ago

The pajamas are adorable. Also, I am related to Hef through marriage. Something about cousins with my husband’s grandma. For some reason my mother in law does not like to think about that.

Emblita
14 years ago

Oh god I laughed so hard imagining Reilly all Hef’ed up, too funny! But pure brilliance.

Jeanette
14 years ago

Damn, that is one cute little boy!!

Someone Being Me
14 years ago

Shhh…don’t let my closet hear you mention cleaning. Mine may collapse under the sheer effort of holding up all those extra sheet sets. 7 sets of twin sheets? Check. (not that we actually own a twin size bed!!!).

So have you broken the news to JB yet that next week he has to fall back? Will that push him over the edge?

And I had almost forgotten the marine mammal story. I think I am going to have to seek professional help after this…

McCashew
14 years ago

What an adorable little Hef he would be!!!

When I was in elementary school, I couldn’t have been more than 9, I absolutely could NOT decide what to be for Halloween. My family stood in the costume shop surrounded by options and I neyed every single stinking one of them. My father, ready to gouge his eyes out with the nearest pointy wand or pitchfork, said “how about a playboy bunny?” My ears perked up. “What’s that?” A fury of activity and days later there I was in fishnets, one of my mother’s bras stuffed with socks under a black leotard with tail sewn on, bunny ears, a mask, and a little styrofoam tray with glasses and stirrers glued on. I had asked about that tray and my mother told me it was to serve the boys drinks. (????) Horrified mothers watched me strut my stuff into the school party that year where I proudly announced that I was a Playboy Bunny. I will tell you that I don’t remember many other Halloweens. Years later I still cannot believe that my relatively normal parents let me out of the house like that, but yet I’m strangely proud to recount the story. The photos are priceless.