I used to think I knew what ironic meant until Alanis did that song and everyone with an English degree started snarking about how the lyrics totally mutilated the meaning of the word, and I was all, wait, I thought a death row pardon two minutes too late was ironic? Well, fuck me.

So it’s either irony or some more appropriate, smart-sounding word that the day after a bunch of (colorful description deleted for the sake of trying to follow the If You Can’t Say Something Nice Rule) readers over at ParentDish lambasted me for being an abusive dog owner, Dog all of a sudden has this big cut on one of her toes—probably from the razor-sharp shards of glass we force her to lie in—and we’ve been doting on her to the point of waiting on her paw and foot (although I drew the line at letting her on the bed, my sleep is spotty enough these days without a big hairy beast hogging the covers, and to add Dog to the mix would really just be too much) (har har HAR!).

After I (foolishly) went and wrote an article about how I sometimes tell her to stop licking herself for the love of god then sat back dumbfounded while people reacted as though I had confessed to spending my spare time ramming toothpicks into her eye sockets and forcing her to drink bleach, my penance is to listen to Dog, wait for it, LICKING her hurt paw constantly, and of course I can’t say a damn thing about it, because then I really would be an asshole. Slup . . . slup . . . slup . . . ah, the repetitive, saliva-coated sound of IRONY! I think! Depending on what that word means!

By the way, let me just take a moment to thank you guys for being such a consistently supportive, awesome presence out there on the other side of this blog. I am more grateful than ever for the privilege of your company, now that I’m writing elsewhere in an environment that seems to attract a lot of uhhhhh negative attention. Thanks for not bringing the crazy, and thanks also for encouraging me to get my goddamned hair done already:

haircutiphone_081.jpg

I got it hacked and colored today, and I feel like a new woman! I mean, sure: still ridiculously pregnant and all, but hey, at least my hair is less craptacular. GOOD IDEA YOU GUYS HIGH FIVE.

More pictures!

cabinetcat_08.jpg
Hee. Cabinet Cat is watching you masturbate.

boycounter08_s.jpg
The hilariousness of a small child post-buzzcut, wearing a too-big shirt, and sporting his NEW SHOES which he is very, very proud of. (Don’t tell him they’re from Old Navy and probably made in China from various toxic substances.)

boyjumping08_s.jpg
In addition to learning to do somersaults recently the boy has mastered the art of jumping with both feet, like a KANGAWOO MOMMY, NOOK!

oregonstate_08_s.jpg
Oh and also he can do ninja karate moves. JB will warn you: men, cover your nuts.

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All Adither
14 years ago

You have clean counters.

And I had those same shoes in 1972.

workout mommy
14 years ago

I absolutely love the pictures!!! He is getting so big and has turned into a “real boy”!

I haven’t read your other post, but I yell at my dog ALL THE TIME to stop licking himself. I can even hear him doing it when I’m in the other room….and still yell at him. So tell the haters to get over it. :)

H
H
14 years ago

I love little kids and their new shoes. Mine used to “tap dance” when they got new ones and my son liked to sleep with his too. I also gag at the sound of a dog licking, licking, licking anything. Paw or private parts, it doesn’t matter. I MUST MAKE IT STOP.

H
H
14 years ago

I forgot to mention — cute hair.

Anne L.
Anne L.
14 years ago

Man, those haters over there WERE sucking it. Who doesn’t get annoyed with their pets every now and then, fer chrissakes? AND, hair is rocking!

Pete
Pete
14 years ago

We have the same type of granite, you could hid a dead cat on it. Nice kitchen. BTW I do the same thing when my dog licks himself. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! He doesn’t stop but I feel better.

Blythe
14 years ago

Your cat is outstanding. And though I’m a bit of a lurker around here, I must tell you that your photos of Riley in general, and especially this set in particular, make me so thrilled that I have a little boy. He’s almost one year old and if he is half as cool as your kid, I have so much to look forward to. I can’t wait for the kangaroo jumping.

Chiara
14 years ago

He is totally like a kangawoo; I say this from experience.

Lindsay
Lindsay
14 years ago

Delurking because I love Dog, those people were completely crazy (and your description was…well, I’m hoping to add it to my vocabulary), and Riley is actually getting cuter by the day. Love the pictures!

Genie
14 years ago

Ok, first, I had to wait to reply to this because I was busy yelling at the cat for trying to drink the milk out of my cereal bowl in front of me.

Yeah, those comments over at ParentDish are a whole buncha crazy. It reminded me of the Dissing your Dog sketch by Will Farrell. :)

Banana
14 years ago

The hair, it is so cute! Also, I think cat is trying to judge exactly how she can pounce on your head. Just sayin’.

Cali911Gal
Cali911Gal
14 years ago

I read the comments at the other site, and boy I must say they pissed me right the
F*&^# off! Self-righteous hypocrites….stay over here where we love and appreciate you!

BTW I luv the hair!

Claire
Claire
14 years ago

holy damn crap but that kid is cute

Matt
14 years ago

The internet is a very pointlessly hostile place, one of the reasons I started reading personal blogs instead of message boards. Everybody is so positive and mature in these parts. Sometimes on the internets you just have to tell people to, excuse my French, “Go fuck themselves”…

Also, your hair really brings out your eyes, it looks great. And, those pictures are amazing as always..:-)

Mary O
Mary O
14 years ago

Awesome T-shirt… go Beavs!
I can’t believe those commenters. I only WISH my life was as awesome as Dog’s!

Loralee
14 years ago

Not that this really matters, but you probably have better kitchen cabinets than 90% of the Dog-obsessed-internet-haters, and almost CERTAINLY a cuter kid (Cause ya know, their dogs are their children), so they can just crawl back into whatever hole they emerged from and eat off dishes they let their canines lick.

(Longest run-on sentence ever. Go, me.)

I probably should not have commented directly after dealing with a long-time troll. My apologies.

christen
14 years ago

wow, what a bunch of crazy bitches over there…

if yelling at pets is abuse, then i can never have another christmas tree again. just sayin’.

(you have a cat. you know. i know you know.)

missbanshee
14 years ago

That last pic is absolutely priceless. And those haters? Can go and lick themselves. Jeez. When in holy hell did the internetters lose any concept of humor and irony? One of my cats sank two fangs into my thigh at the ASS CRACK OF DAWN today to remind me it was time to shovel food into their food-holes, and as a crazy cat woman who loves those little assholes more than life, I can proudly say I booted his bitey ass across the room.

Lisa V
14 years ago

I have a dog who likes to drink out of the toilet at night. Lap, lap, lap. It’s drives me nuts, not because she is drinking out of the toilet, but because it is so damn noisy. She hears “knock it off” yelled from our room pretty often.

Oh and I have also posted about my son’s dying fish with less than compassion and sympathy.

Tell them to get a life and quit trolling the internet.

Cute hair.

missbanshee
14 years ago

PS: Haters? It was less “booting” then “gently nudging him off my leg and dislodging his insanely sharp and maybe disease-ridden teeth from my flesh” so keep your panties out of a wad. *rolls eyes*

Trina
Trina
14 years ago

Holy crap, cat looks FREAKY. I am so glad that my cat can’t get on top of my cabinets. As I have said before, my cat is equally as evil as yours.

I will keep reading your blog over at CRAZY central but you are the only reason I am staying. I don’t want to be associated with those nut jobs. I just hope that they don’t find you over here.

Tracy
14 years ago

Ok. I just came to say what a BAD parent you are, for depriving your son of PANTS! AND MAKING HIM WEAR OLD NAVY! Hah. Whatev. He’s toooooo freakin’ cute. (now lambast me for using too many “o’s”!)

Ok, how’s this for annoying pet tricks: Our old dog, who is 8, will literally lay on the floor and “lick herself” rather than going outside. I SHIT YOU NOT. She licks her girlie bits to clean up the pee. Now you want to guess how much yelling goes on around here when she does THAT? And I feel awful for not wanting to love on her – but EWW! (And yes, for those waiting to lambast, she’s on medication for her girlie dribbly issues – but I refuse to have her euthanized yet. She’s old, but still quite active. She just, for some unknown reason, would rather lick herself than go out. Yep, you may be grossed out now.)

Jen
Jen
14 years ago

OSU? OSU? Oh, Sundry, how you disappoint!

Go Ducks!

But seriously, are one of you Oregon State alum? Very cool.

Amber
14 years ago

Oooh, your hair looks great, and that picture in general is sort of…mysterious, what with your big brown eyes peeping out over your iPhone. Hmm. Cute.

As for the lunatics at ParentDish and their self-righteous soapboxes, I think a big IGNORE is in order.

anna
anna
14 years ago

cute hair, cute shoes, cute buzz cut, cute cabinets with cat, but man…..that kid is the cutest of all!

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

Please don’t let your readers in the weirdosphere know about this blog. We don’t want them in here fuming about how Dog’s cutting herself like a troubled teen! Har.

Is that an unopened bag of deliciously crunchy carbohydrate made from potatoes on the counter next to Riley? (It’s been 2 long weeks since I indulged in those…oh the agony.)

How in God’s name did cat manage to climb to the top of the kitchen cupboards? I dare say your cat has ninja moves too!

Riley: cute as ever.

Your new hair: adorable.

P.S. I keep thinking that any day now I’ll drop in and see a pic of your new baby. It can’t be long now.

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

Btw, speaking of Will Ferrell. This sketch of him dueling with his “landlord” who happens to be a two or a three year old (with the voice of Donald Duck) had me rolling on the floor.

Zoot
Zoot
14 years ago

The funny thing is: I would have never in a MILLION YEARS expected a fallout anywhere over the dog thing.

I take my readers for granted sometimes.

Also – for the record – I have THREE dogs and they all get the STOP LICKING reprimand daily.

Glad your readers are awesome.

Lara
14 years ago

Cabinet Cat made me giggle and snort.

Cute hair.

Cute kid.

I yell at licky animals too.

alli
14 years ago

Eek, people actually want you to listen to that awfulness? We have TWO dogs who we tell to stop licking themselves. For one thing, one dog is in desperate need of a valium and she has licked her paws and butt RAW. She bleeds on stuff. So heck yeah, I’m going to tell her to stop it already! It is the worst in the winter.

I love little boys in buzz cuts. We need to get Fuller’s buzzed again but he has some sort of sensory issue where haircut=Mommy is stabbing me with a knife. I have to take a valium before we attempt it. And I might have been feeding them to the dog. (Kidding!)

Jem
Jem
14 years ago

The entry won’t load for me, but boo to the haters! I sometimes feel bad because I stop my cats from licking inappropriately, but it keeps me sane. They can lick their butts when they’re alone, just like the rest of us…

I once read a detailed description of exactly when and how it is appropriate to use the word “ironic” but I can’t remember any of it, so I just don’t use the word anymore for fear of…something.

Swistle
14 years ago

1) Your hair is AWESOME. Your bangs are so cute, I’m ALMOST persuaded to get bangs again.

2) I had to unsubscribe from that ParentDish thing, because even though I don’t want to miss ONE SINGLE WORD that you write, it would only let me subscribe to ALL the entries; and first of all, most of the other writers are, um, *whispering* not as good as you, and secondly, the COMMENTERS. OMG. Everything is this HUGE controversy. It seems like it’s one of those places where people gather to fight.

3) I don’t know what “irony” means, either, and it was definitely the Alanis song debate that screwed me up.

4) That child is SO SO CUTE, I’m not sure you should have another. DOUBLE this cuteness will be TOO MUCH TO BEAR.

Swistle
14 years ago

Oh, also! I used to remember that AT LEAST I knew that “ironic” did NOT mean “sarcastic.” Then I looked up “ironic” in the dictionary, and one of the definitions is “sarcastic.” WELL FORGET IT, THEN.

Heather B.
14 years ago

Oh I love a good crazy ParentDish commenter. Not only do they provide endless entertainment but they are the ultimate representation of a person who hasn’t gotten laid in a REALLY long time. I love when a 200 word post, something that represents about one minute of your life, is taken as the be all end all of your behavior. Obviously because you tell your dog to stop licking herself and because you give attention to Riley over Dog, you are an awful person. Lord.

Anyway, glad to see you taking it in stride.

Claire
14 years ago

I’m highly amused about the Dog situation because I almost left a comment about how I get all annoyed by my dogs licking themselves whenever my four-month-old son is having his fifty millionth melt down of the day, etc. Sometimes, I can’t handle the sound of their constant licking. I guess I am a terrible pet owner too.

g~
g~
14 years ago

HA! What *kills* me is that they were all grousing about your post–like they have NO OTHER CHOICE but to read it! And Comment! HA! I have, on occasion, been known to yell at my children (fortheloveofGod, not the Children) for doing childish things like Oh, say, coloring their entire faces blue (which I would link to the picture if I had half a brain but alas, with two children, I only have one-fourth of my original grey matter and have not the will to look up how). Also, just because I am just that evil–I hate my cat. I actually do not generally like animals (this turn of events obviously came about *after* the acquisition of the cat) but how can you not despise something that yaks on your PILLOW!?
Okay, super long comment. Sorry.

mandy
14 years ago

When I was pregnant, and really any other time too, I used to yell at her to STOP LICKING already. My family thought I was nutts. But the sound turns my brain inside-out. I stand beside you.

Jennifer
14 years ago

I love your kitchen – I wish our granite looked half as “clean” when in reality it is always Fucking Filthy. The photo of Cat is all the proof I need to know that all kittehs seem to love the cabinet nook – my cat does the same thing and wears a smirk of superiority while she lords over those of us on the ground.

Our family lab, who is nearing thirteen and is possibly teetering into senility, does the slurping thing ALL.THE.FUCKING.TIME. pay injury or no. I love her, I do, but it will drive you up a wall – especially when she briefly pauses to generate more goo so she can continue the licking.

Keri
14 years ago

I saw all the hullaboo over at PD and rolled my eyes. Not to worry, I tell my dogs to STOP LICKING! If I don’t, they will develop massive sores. My god, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out which scenario is worst: my yelling or the dogs developing sores. Bleh. My son has started to yell at the dogs when they are licking as well and it’s the cutest damn thing ever. =)

meegan
14 years ago

we have similar cabinets in our kitchen and our cat does the same thing.

Dana
Dana
14 years ago

God, I hate people; they are such assholes. I hope Parentdish is paying you a lot for having to deal with douchebags.

My dog licked a hole in his leg for two friggen weeks, and I yelled at him the entire time. I had paid over 2 grand for him to get that damn hole–some bullshit about a torn ACL, like he’s a stinkin football player now–and I had EARNED the right to tell him to stop the fucking licking right his damn second.

And, I’m pregnant, so I can do whatever the hell I want. Plus, the dog will probably start licking the kid once she’s born, and it’s not like I am going to be there to stop every one of those incidences.

Especially, when we leave the dog alone to babysit her. So, whatever.

Someone Being Me
14 years ago

Your hair looks great. I’m glad you went ahead and got it done. Now you won’t look back on all those pictures of yourself with the new baby and think, why didn’t I get my hair done?

Jessica
Jessica
14 years ago

Well, you never said that the remodel was a giant cat trap (or hive if you’re JB I guess)! Seriously awesome shots. And for those not wanting to shell out the bucks for granite, my regular type counter has a similar pattern, doesn’t show much.

As for PD, I only click through your site, so I only see your entries! I also think that it’s weird that their comment counter thingy always shows zero comments, when each entry has had plenty. Do we actually have to belong to PD to count?

Aunt Linda
Aunt Linda
14 years ago

Anyway, your hair looks really great.

Buckeye Mommy
Buckeye Mommy
14 years ago

Just delurking to say that I read your various blogs all the time and I could not believe how crazy people at PD went over the dog thing! As the mother of an almost 1 yr old boy, I appreciate the honesty with which you write about parenting a small child. Even though there are wonderful and amazing things about parenthood, it’s not all rainbows and unicorns, and I think you capture that perfectly. It has certainly helped me feel like I am not the only one feeling some of these things. Thanks!

Stephanie
14 years ago

Not sure if I have commented before, but I read you here and at Parentdish and I read the dog story. I am a pet owner and not a parent and I do the same damn thing to my dog that you do as a pregnant, working mother. Good freaking lord. Seriously are those people crazy. Maybe they have been sucking a little too much on the rabies vaccine lately?

whoorl
14 years ago

Ohhhh, your hair looks good. And Riley is so BIG.

As for PD, my favorite comment of all time was that I was a breeder, much like a dog, and should be treated accordingly. Well, awesome! Thanks, sir!

Kim
Kim
14 years ago

When I first read the “offending” post at ParentDish, I thought, awwww, because as a dog owner (whose dog looks a lot like your dog) I love any pictures and/or ancedotes about Dog. Then I thought, Oh shit – somebody’s gonna get pissed. I had no idea what would follow. Those people need to get a hobby. Or like someone else just said, laid. Jeez.
The picture of Cat made me spew coffee onto my keyboard just now.

M.A.
M.A.
14 years ago

Ever notice how one negative comment seems to send out some weird invisible invitation to all the trollers out there and suddenly it’s like a Star Trek convention only they’re all dressed up like trolls? (Sorry if that offends any trekkies, as a former trekkie and lover of “Galaxy Quest” myself, I mean no offense.)

Re: dog owning. Let’s review. I’m unemployed, not a mother, have two dogs and a cat, and cannot for the Love of God (orthechildren) get my a** away from my computer for a 15-minute walk, so shoot me too. Also, both dogs are about the same size, both female, and have taken to doing this completely obnoxious thing which is kind of a standing 69 during which they lick ONE ANOTHER’S NETHER PARTS and it completely grosses me out. I scream at them all the time. Please don’t report me to the ASPCA.

I’m also an English major and even though I understand the definition of ironic I, too, drank the Alanis Koolaid and think it’s a perfectly fine use of the word for that song, because what she really means is “too bad” and that woulda sucked. Also, “ironic” should be grateful to be such a topic of controversy because otherwise it would only get used once or twice a year by one of my pedantic friends, kinda like egregious, which is SUCH a cool word.

Hey! “Isn’t it Egregious” actually works.

Sorry for my super long comment. I don’t blog anymore — I just read you — so I’m really just sleazing air time from you.

Hair looks GREAT. So does the Kangawoo!

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