I used to think I knew what ironic meant until Alanis did that song and everyone with an English degree started snarking about how the lyrics totally mutilated the meaning of the word, and I was all, wait, I thought a death row pardon two minutes too late was ironic? Well, fuck me.

So it’s either irony or some more appropriate, smart-sounding word that the day after a bunch of (colorful description deleted for the sake of trying to follow the If You Can’t Say Something Nice Rule) readers over at ParentDish lambasted me for being an abusive dog owner, Dog all of a sudden has this big cut on one of her toes—probably from the razor-sharp shards of glass we force her to lie in—and we’ve been doting on her to the point of waiting on her paw and foot (although I drew the line at letting her on the bed, my sleep is spotty enough these days without a big hairy beast hogging the covers, and to add Dog to the mix would really just be too much) (har har HAR!).

After I (foolishly) went and wrote an article about how I sometimes tell her to stop licking herself for the love of god then sat back dumbfounded while people reacted as though I had confessed to spending my spare time ramming toothpicks into her eye sockets and forcing her to drink bleach, my penance is to listen to Dog, wait for it, LICKING her hurt paw constantly, and of course I can’t say a damn thing about it, because then I really would be an asshole. Slup . . . slup . . . slup . . . ah, the repetitive, saliva-coated sound of IRONY! I think! Depending on what that word means!

By the way, let me just take a moment to thank you guys for being such a consistently supportive, awesome presence out there on the other side of this blog. I am more grateful than ever for the privilege of your company, now that I’m writing elsewhere in an environment that seems to attract a lot of uhhhhh negative attention. Thanks for not bringing the crazy, and thanks also for encouraging me to get my goddamned hair done already:

haircutiphone_081.jpg

I got it hacked and colored today, and I feel like a new woman! I mean, sure: still ridiculously pregnant and all, but hey, at least my hair is less craptacular. GOOD IDEA YOU GUYS HIGH FIVE.

More pictures!

cabinetcat_08.jpg
Hee. Cabinet Cat is watching you masturbate.

boycounter08_s.jpg
The hilariousness of a small child post-buzzcut, wearing a too-big shirt, and sporting his NEW SHOES which he is very, very proud of. (Don’t tell him they’re from Old Navy and probably made in China from various toxic substances.)

boyjumping08_s.jpg
In addition to learning to do somersaults recently the boy has mastered the art of jumping with both feet, like a KANGAWOO MOMMY, NOOK!

oregonstate_08_s.jpg
Oh and also he can do ninja karate moves. JB will warn you: men, cover your nuts.

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Blue
Blue
16 years ago

Our son loved new shoes at that age, too. He just knew that new shoes would make him able to jump!higher! and run!faster!. And, it was a joy to watch him try. I wish I’d captured him on film like you did Riley! Awesome pics.

Franny
16 years ago

Dog + Licking herself = Me squirming uncontrollably until I start `yell` whispering her name over and over again until she stops, leg still in air, tongue in mid stroke. I give her the glare, and she will reluctantly lower her leg and go sniff something interesting or go lick the kitchen floor. I love my dog… but the licking of one`s own body is not welcome in my home, well, ever really…

Nicole
16 years ago

Like I said over at ParentDish – hyperbole as humour is lost on some people. I’m not sure if it was irony, but I am assuming it was some level of hyperbole. And I think dogs licking themselves is disgusting.

And the Alanis song is more about coincidence than irony.

As for ParentDish, didn’t it used to be Blogging Baby? And I seem to recall Melissa (Suburban Bliss) left them for some reason?

Its not what they were saying over at ParentDish; everyone’s entitled to their opinions. Its how they were saying it and the goddamn, holier-than-thou attitude plus instant judgment that was going on.

Jamie
16 years ago

I didn’t even read the comments for the first Dog entry at Parent Dish until I saw the second entry. Seriously, what is WRONG with some people?

Anyhow, LOVE the hair and super-cute boy!

jonniker
16 years ago

That is precisely what I meant about the commenters when you first told us you were writing there. The whole message board crowd that uses “LOL” — oh, excuse me, I mean “lol” or “rotflmao!” — far too often, and thinks sanctimony is a virtue.

And apropos of nothing, the worst part of that Alanis song is that she deliberately says “figgurs” for “figures.”

FIGGURS. EW. FIGGURS. She might as well say “pitchur” for picture.

FIGGURS.

cndy
16 years ago

I love love love your blog! I love your hair. I love your kitchen. I love the fact that I’m not the only one that tells the dog to stop that dang licking before I poke my eyeballs out with toothpicks.

I love your toddlers moves also!

jonniker
16 years ago

Oh and Nicole, MelissaS used to write there, yes, and she called it “FloggingBaby” which I found hilarious and all too appropriate.

Kelly~Mommy and the Marine

OMG My parent’s dog (that used to be ours before we had our son… talk about neglected LOL) licks himself CONSTANTLY! It drives me batty. I am seriously like STOP IT! And everyone is all “Oh Kelly, that’s just what dogs do…” Please, do it somewhere else, ugh!

Love your hair and the pics of your little ninja ;) I also thought it was so cool when my son could finally jump off the ground with BOTH feet. I’ll admit, I almost didn’t think he would ever figure that out LOL!

Sunny
Sunny
16 years ago

My lord, the ASPCA hasn’t been over to rescue Dog yet? What a group of harpy hags over there. Feverish licking noises have always grossed me out and our cats are constantly admonished for it.

Jenn D
16 years ago

Hi there!

I just came to your blog via someone at Parentdish who posted the URL in the comments in the hopes of sending more outrage here to your online home.

I had a dog once. He licked his balls all night long. It drove me insane….seriously insane. SLURP. SLURP. SLUUUUUURP.

I’ve been reading Parentdish for a couple of years now and I am constantly amazed by the whacko’s who are constantly commenting and judging and freaking out over simple little things. Sometimes I feel like tearing my hair out over the ridiculousness. You don’t breastfeed – child abuse! You eat at McDonalds every once in a while – call Child protective services! You pay more attention to your kids than to your pets – Euthanize! Jeez, people. Get a grip.

Alyson
Alyson
16 years ago

Love Riley in his OSU coordinated ensemble! My #2 son, (otherwise known as the aspiring OSU baseball player) would love the pic! (If he were awake at 9:30 on a Sunday morning! – sheesh, teenagers!) The hair is great too; yours and Riley’s.

Strangely enough, the “Grande Dame” of our black lab clan cut her foot playing chase with our “baby” dog (she’s not quite 2) on Friday. No idea where it came from in the back yard. Just suddenly blood all over the concrete. Fortunately, a little love, a bandage overnight(coban works great on dogs BTW) and everything is fine the next day. No trip to the vet needed. Much “poor baby-ing” apparently helps dogs heal very quickly.

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
16 years ago

I was one of the first few people to comment on your Parentdish blog about my dogs and I could not believe the comments that came back! Apparently I too am a dog abuser becuase my son thinks it’s gross when Brutus has his butt on the couch. Nevermind all the treats and love etc. that my dogs get. Some people.

I love your new haircut, it looks great!
Also, cabinet cat!! Ha Ha!!

the goddess anna
the goddess anna
16 years ago

I too followed the link from PD, but not to chuck insults or anything. I happen to like your writing, if only because it’s a refreshing change from the rest of the bloggers over there. I only stick around because a) the self-rightousness amuses me and b) to needle them every once in a while with a dissenting opinion.

More on-topic: while I am not a dog-lover (your Dog is cute, though), I am graced by the presence of two cats. One thinks I’m a kitty kondo, and the other believes that if I’m on the computer I must be available to pet him. I routinely toss cats off of me (and nearby surfaces), and more than once a cat has been kicked out of the way (as gently as possible) to prevent either escape or personal injury. I love them, but honestly, they can get on my nerves. Just like my kids, my husband, and the rest of the family.

Speaking of families, your’s is adorable. Sorry for the longish post, just wanted to let you know that not all long-term BB/PD readers are uptight and sanctimonious!

Leah
16 years ago

Ninja with a blankie!

I think I already told you this, but I cringed when I heard you were going to write for PD. The people there are brutal and unable to understand satire and hyperbole and all those other tasty literary devices.

Speaking of which, yeah, it’s not irony, and I’m one of those people who gets totally huffy about that. Usually it’s either (a) poetic justice (like your current situation) or (b) something that just plain sucks (ra-ee-ain on your wedding day, etc.). Unfortunately, dictionaries tend toward the descriptive rather than the prescriptive, which means they’ll include definitions that are wrong so long as they’re used by The People. See also “noo-cue-ler” as an acceptable pronunciation of “nuclear.” GAAAAAAH.

Alex
16 years ago

Eh, tell the haters to go fuck themselves. You rock. You always have and its highly probable you always will. (I tell *other peoples’* dogs to knock off the disgusting, incessant licking–I mean honestly, gross.)

That last picture of Riley? I spit out my chai. Freakin’ hilarious.

Amanda
Amanda
16 years ago

You are seriously, seriously funny. Seriously. Some people are humor-impaired to the point of disability. Don’t ever tone down your writing or observations on here or elsewhere. Good writing should *bite*. Thanks for biting us!

thejunebug
16 years ago

How in the hell did Cat get up on the cabinets?? Did JB throw her up there?

I was worried that the combination of asshole commenters + hormones would upset you, but clearly I didn’t have to worry much. :) My favorite was the commenter who stated that his mother was SARCASTIC, and it SCARRED HIM FOR LIFE, so therefore NO ONE was allowed to be SARCASTIC EVER AGAIN IN HIS PRESENCE. Including your bad self, writing on the interwebs.

*hugs*

fairydogmother
16 years ago

1) Super, super, super cute hair!

2) Riley and the jumping: be still my ovaries!

3) About a year ago I dropped a glass jar in the kitchen, and it shattered in a million pieces with the dog standing right next to me. One of the shards bounced off the ceramic tile and hit his leg. He didn’t even realize he was hurt, and didn’t understand why we were wrapping his leg in gauze. It wouldn’t stop bleeding and ended up in the worst trip to the vet ever. They had to shave his leg, and he had to wear a cone and take antibiotics for a week. The upside? I didn’t have to listen to him licking himself for an entire week. That alone was almost worth the vet bill!

telegirl
telegirl
16 years ago

People are ignorant and judgmental. They missed the entire point of that post. I double-dog dare you to post your cat tossing photos over there. :o)

PS) With the exception of the couple people who followed the link over already, maybe you should delete that comment on PD so no psychos make their way over here? We like everyone here and I’d hate to see this site tainted by idiots.

April
April
16 years ago

I, too, am enormously pregnant and got my highlights re-done yesterday. Ahhh, bliss. It feels so good to have non-trashy looking hair and I agree- I don’t think it did a thing to the baby.

Speaking of people passing judgement, my 9 mos pregnant friend went to Trader Joe’s to purchase wine two days before Thanksgiving and the checkout guy hassled her for it. I believe he said something like “Well, this certainly presents a moral dilemma, doesn’t it?” She was flabbergasted. This is the girl who was worried about using medicated Blistex during her pregnancy and he was accusing her of being a wino. People can be so insane sometimes!

Jo
Jo
16 years ago

I second thejunebug, I’d love to know how the heck Cat got up on the cabinet?! Awesome picture.

Bugger the ignorant idiots on PD, they obviously didn’t get the point of your post at all, tossers.

Oh, and Riley just keeps getting cuter and your haircut looks fab :)

trish
16 years ago

Hey, at least the commenters slashed you over a live animal. I was indoctrinated over making fun of the Chipmunks! I still can’t get over that, it was hilarious.

It always surprises me the things that upset people on the internet.

I didn’t highlight my hair when I was pregnant and it looked awful. I always said that as soon as my son was born, I wanted highlights, a facial, and a big bottle of tequila.

laura
laura
16 years ago

Holy crap, when I was reading those comments I wanted to jump through the computer and bitch slap some of those people. Seriously. WTF was up their asses?

I had been reading ParentDish on and off for a while before you started writing there, and let me tell you, that place was BOOORING before you got there. Linda, you are truly an asset to that site. If I had to read what some random person thought about some celebrity pregnancy, or what $80 “environmentally sustainable” footstool I needed to buy for my toddler so that they could have a better life, I was going to have to permanently delete ParentDish from my Google Reader.

But I digress… Your new haircut is tight. I need something like that ASAP. And Riley, well, cutest kid on the internets for sure. Please know that I fear cat.

Nona
Nona
16 years ago

Nice Hair!

OK, I’m Vegan, which puts me in the “crazy animal loving hippie” group of weird. I thought your post about Dog was fucking hilarious, understandable, and written very well.

Some people are, apparently, just assholes. For some reason I keep forgetting this and every time I read comments like the ones on ParentDish, I am surprised into laughter. Because if a Vegan thinks you’re being a little too crazy about the treatment of an animal, dude, it’s time for a prescription drug to calm your ass down. Seriously.

briar
16 years ago

I think the biggest problem I have with all the haters on your other post is that I doubt the Interweb would get even a fraction as riled up if you’d written the exact same post, but replaced “dog” with “JB.”

Given that you’re not *actually* abusing the dog, I think the crazy ones can just go stick their heads in a blender. See? I’m cranky and I don’t have a dog OR children.

PS – those kitchen cabinets are gorgeous.

Lawyerish
16 years ago

Hair: Hott! You rock the final weeks of pregnancy like no other, let me tell you.

The ParentDish thing defies belief. I remember when Dutch from Sweet Juniper! posted something on there that poked fun at or generally made unflattering reference to Wal-Mart, and he got pages and pages of barely coherent hate-comments, accusing him of child abuse (??) and extolling the virtues of the big WM. To that, and to this, I can only say, WTFF?

I just wonder how the world could be if hateful (and often functionally illiterate) blog commenters could find a productive way to occupy their time.

Sara
16 years ago

There’s too many comments to read to see if someone else asked this but, how’d cat get up THERE?

Sarah in LA
Sarah in LA
16 years ago

OK I read your article on Parent Dish….and those commenters are effin stupid. Sheesh, relax people!

clarabella
16 years ago

You know, I was so angry at some of those PD commenters for taking their sanctimonious selves too seriously the other night that I couldn’t sleep for a while. In my head, I wrote long comment after long comment about how I nursed my dying dog for the last few months of her life, which were the first few months of my son’s life, even though she dripped blood (sorry TMI) from an open wound that wouldn’t heal because of her condition all over the house I was trying to keep clean for a newborn. But then I realized they were morons, and I didn’t care that much.
Also, I got “fussed” at earlier in the week for the insensitivity of one of my comments. So I’m a little scared of them.
Your dog is lucky to have a loving, interesting home of course, not to mention your creepy cat that is obviously making evil plans from atop the cabinets.
Love the hair! Now no roots in those “here’s the new baby, hospital” photos!
I love those shoes, Riley! Wish they had them in my size.

Deanna
Deanna
16 years ago

I’m sure this is a repeat message…after sifting through the “hate” mail on the other site, I just HAD to say I’m sorry anyone would pull out their virtual soap box against your comment. I recall reading an old post that dog was a resue, she found you and you took her in… Hell, even if you bought her, she’s loved. It’s clear to anyone that would take even a moment to read the post w/o immediately making a (wrong, wrong, wrong) judgement.

Um, so, again, I’ll add – DOG = LOVED. Nasty internet comments = LAME

Oh, and new ‘do? FAAAAAAAAAAABULOUS!

samantha jo campen
16 years ago

That response you got at PD pissed me off so damn bad I was raging. And the ONLY reason I didn’t bust it all out (I’m in Senior Pet Rescue so if they think it’s better for you to ‘get rid of Dog or put her to sleep’ I have about thirty-two reasons why they don’t have a leg to stand on with that rationale) was because I didn’t want to fuel the fire.

But man oh man was I hoppin’ mad.

Anyhoo! It’s all happy time here and I love it. I just hope they don’t find us :-)

Trace
16 years ago

Dear haters,
Suck it.
xo, Trace

P.S. Cute hair! Love!

P.P.S. How the HELL do cats get up there?! When we had them, ours did the same thing. Still baffles me.

P.P.P.S. LOVE THE RILEY PICTURES OMG *uterus exploding*

Kenzie
16 years ago

Wow 80 comments! You are very popular! That kid is so adorable, and I love your kitchen! :)

Heather-in-Australia
Heather-in-Australia
16 years ago

The thing that kills me is how they all think THEY are so kind to fauna of all varieties when it is patently clear that it is not, in fact, kind on any level to have a bug so very permanently wedged in one’s arse ;).

PandA
16 years ago

I know zillions have already said this but kudos to you for writing about the slight demotion on the family roster of furkids when real kiddos make an entrance. I still have undying love for my 13 yr old dog (as evidenced by paying all of the astronomical vet bills as he ages and walks in the rain when he just really needs some “me” time) but I do have less patience for both him & the husband (don’t even get me started on the cat) with an 8 month old around. Yes, the walks are few & far between, and the licking is a really sore spot for me (has reduced me to yelling & tears on bad days) and the way my dog vigorously seems to shake his collar only when I have the door open to check on the sleeping child grates on my last nerve BUT I honestly would laugh if someone told me this was animal abuse. Our dog still sleeps on the living room couch for goodness sakes!

Anyway, a big YAHOO to those who have enough energy and emotional/physical/mental capacity to care for themselves as women/mothers, as well as their husbands, their kiddos AND their pets…all at the same high level. As much as I love and care for my dog who has barely known an ounce of loneliness or mistreatment in his long 13yrs, I would have to admit that in a split-second life saving decision of dog or child, I would have to go for the child. I am sure my dog would think I made the right decision, because sometimes I think my dog is smarter than (the President)and some of the holier than thou people who negatively commented on that other site. Last and not least, I adore your sarcasm and like to believe that when I rant and rave about juggling my pets & kiddos, it is usually with a large dose of sarcasm as well, which always lightens my mood…which I think some people out there miss all together, sad ;-)

Kristen
16 years ago

I like your haircut. I also liked the pictures. :)

Katie
Katie
16 years ago

Your hair is so cute.

Love the Cat picture. And Riley jumping!!

Can not even believe the people at the other site. Crazy.

Katie (The Yap)
16 years ago

SERIOUSLY??? I LOVED that entry on ParentDish (I didn’t comment because I am lazy and it has too many steps for me). I was hitting the desk and yelling “YES! PREACH IT, SISTER! ME TOOOOOO!” My dog slid down off the bottom of the totem pole once our kid was born. She became one more needy, clingy creature and I couldn’t handle the needy, clingy miniature human I had just birthed. I thought your post was hilarious!

My husband and I yell at our dog to STOP DRINKING SO LOUDLY. Jesus.

LauraH
16 years ago

Oh, how I wish that I had not clicked on that to read it. What would they think of me??? Side note- a one time reader at ParentDish, I quit after one too many snobbish reprimands that I was doing things “not quite right” and therefore “ruining my child’s chance at a bright and healty future” (actual words). And then (I don’t mean to bring a good entry down) my husband died. And sometimes I forgot (forget) to feed the cat until 3 hours later and I yell at him for licking (even though that’s a normal thing for a cat to do hygeinewise) and the dog for panting and jingling her tags, and sometimes I am testy with my children, and I don’t get dressed until 2PM and I yell at them for being siblings and rivalry-ing with each other. I never knew a larger group of more perfect people than the ones who felt they had the authority to judge you based on a humorous post about your dog. And (because I am writing from a glorious “I don’t give a crap what anyone thinks of me” vantage point, I would hate to spend a day in Miss/Ms.Mrs. I have 10 elephants, 4 parrots, an iguana, a bunny farm and a Border Collie (WOW! Not a Border Collie!!!!)’s house. I personally don’t think it’s hygenic to be having that many animals in one’s house along with children. Of course I just pulled this out of my ass. But if she can, what the hell, so can I.
I think I’ll stay on this side of the blogosphere from now on.

willikat
16 years ago

when i was little, i thought new shoes were called “do-ya-like-ums”. i picked out some pink and white shoes at the store. we stopped at my grandma’s house. i proudly stuck my feet out and said “hey grandma, check out my do-ya-like’ums!” i suppose my mom asked if i liked them before we bought them, and i assumed she was telling me that was what “shoes” were. just a funny little kid thing.
by the way, about the vitriolic response to Dog: people are so quick to judge when you can’t see their faces. however, your Dog is quite adorable. i love her little white face and her fat little body. clearly you aren’t starving her. :)
also that last pic of riley? he will hate when you show that to his girlfriends but damn it is cute.

Jennifer
16 years ago

Y’know when you announced your plan to write at PD, I recall Jonniker’s warning to watch out for the commenters. Then even before the Dog post, I noticed snarky comments here and there. I’m afraid that I share the reactions of SamanthaJo and Clarabella… I can’t even read mean comments without getting myself all upset and worked up.

Which is a bummer because I have enjoyed reading your stuff on PD. I wish you would post copies of it here so I could read it without having to go over there and endure the awfulness. I agree with Swistle too: is PD intended to be a place where people gather to fight? Gah… I get enough of that at work, I don’t need to add more to my free time, so goodbye PD.

I sincerely hope that those people don’t follow some link (is there really one in the comments?) to find you here. This site and your great commenters really are a highlight of my day. I hope this site stays fun, and that the awful PD people stay over there in their hole.

ShannonJ
ShannonJ
16 years ago

Ditto most everyone’s comments re: PD trolls. Quite the sanctimonious fuckwads, those.

Great pictures of Riley!

Penny
16 years ago

The dog post was sad to read. Sorry. I’m not to go all Uly on you or anything. I understand that it was just a tiny slice of your relationship with Dog, it’s just that there wasn’t any broader context to put it in.

New jobs are tough. Sorry for all the flack you got, it wasn’t appropriate for sure.

Angie Felton
16 years ago

Yes, like the rest of us at Parentdish, Linda has had a hazing by hurtful comments. I thought her follow-up post was brilliant. She handled it with grace and humor.

However, did you ever stop to think that building her up by putting down her new co-workers and insulting their writing skills is just mean as what the PD commentors have did?
*Whispers* You don’t have to love our work, but we have feelings too!

Angie Felton
16 years ago

And that would be “have done” because I is perfessonal riter persun!

Kristin Darguzas
16 years ago

Hey, I just stopped by because I was wanting to say what Angie said (more succinctly than I could have said it)

I think most of us who write at ParentDish also read Linda’s blog. And I echo Angie above – you don’t have to love our writing over there but you should know that it’s damned hard work, trying to find a balance between posts that aren’t as bland as wallpaper paste and posts that won’t cause a Rash of Insane and Terrifyingly Angry commenters brandishing you with the You’re a Horrible Mother and Awful Human stick. Which tends to happen with the poignant, personal, and funny posts there. Most of us PD bloggers also have personal sites where we are more free to write creatively and without perpetual fear of judgment.

I’ve hired 90% of the writers who write on the site right now, and they all have individual writing talents. More importantly: they’re all wickedly good people.

Nobody who writes at PD is in it for the money, and no one deserves the shit we take on a daily basis for everything from Being Negligent to Our Pets to Being Boring Writers.

This is the longest comment I have ever written.

jonniker
16 years ago

Ha HA! Personally, I’ll still read you (and Kristin and Sarah … and whoever else strikes my fancy) there, but I think I cut myself off from commenting after berating the shit from a sancticommenter and promising, in a fit of angry pique, to “never comment again!”

(Hi! Scarlett O’Blogger here. Apparently I’ve taken my Internet Drama Pill today.)

Trish Robinson
16 years ago

I just read most of the comments at PD (wow!) and the comments here. I commented on Linda’s post here before I read through everything. I think that PD has a lot of good writers there and I am impressed at how the writers who have been there for a long period of time come up with something new and interesting to say daily. Personally, I feel honored to be writing in such great company, even if it’s not everyone’s cup o’ tea. That’s the nature of blogging.

I began writing at PD at the same time Linda did, and I’ve already felt the sting of some of the things said in the comments, but nothing near what Linda has experienced. I agree with Angie, I don’t think that putting the rest of us down serves any purpose really.

There are so many positives to being a part of a blogging community that I cannot list them here. However, one of the things that bothers me about personal blogging has always been that a lot of people tend to have a “gang mentality” when they feel slighted or a writer they like has been insulted and there is a stand-off where people start making it personal and insulting each other. It’s human nature to want to defend those people we care about, even our online friends, but we sometimes forget that there are people behind the computers who are reading the hurtful things we type.

I think Linda is handling this much better than I would have. I did not comment here to be argumentative because everyone here is a loyal follower of Linda’s blog and rightfully so — she’s an excellent and engaging writer. My grandfather always used to say, “If you lie down with dogs, you get fleas” or something like that and I always thought that was a funny expression. Guess it really applies here (nothing against Dog, of course, I’m sure he has no fleas, LOL).