Yesterday was JB’s first day back to work and my first day alone with both children. Things started off with a bang —or more appropriately, a BLEURGH— at about 6 AM when Dylan horked the entirety of his morning feeding all over our bed, JB’s half-asleep body in particular. After JB left for the office, I managed to get Riley into his clothes and fed before Dylan woke up, at which point I fed the baby and strapped him in the front carrier where he instantly fell asleep. Feeling like SuperMom, I strode confidently down the hall to the living room, where I was assaulted by the reek of toddler poo. I briefly fantasized about a glorious day in the future when at least one kid would start crapping somewhere other than his own pants, and took Riley to his room to change him. Wearing Dylan on my front, I lifted Riley onto his low futon bed and bent over him to deal with his diaper. At some point during this process I felt my back register an Official Complaint, but since I was committed to the task at hand I ignored it, until 5 minutes later back in the living room I tried to pick Riley up to look out the window at a garbage truck outside and my back went, FUCK YOU. (Those of you who issued dire warnings about exercising are probably entitled to at least one loud obnoxious I toooold you so, although I think the problem had more to do with my weak abdominal muscles and overtaxed back.)

My back went out so thoroughly I couldn’t even straighten up. I took Dylan out of the carrier and realized I had another diaper to contend with, so I lurched down to the baby’s changing table while crouched over like Quasimodo. Riley scampered behind, demanding to be put on our bed so he could “sing to Diwwan”. Cute, except I couldn’t lift him, and his reaction to that was to have himself a big old screaming tantrum while I wrestled Dylan’s diaper off. It was only after I had the diaper undone and the baby’s poopy butt exposed that I realized the wipes container was empty, so holding Dylan’s feet in one hand (so he wouldn’t get them covered in poo) I had to flail blindly for the wipes refill package in a drawer, drag it out with one fingernail, and tear it open with my teeth, MEANWHILE Riley had wandered over to the bedroom door and closed it and was now yelling for me to OPEN DA DOOR MOMMY, over and over, and then of course Dylan peed all over everything and in the midst of getting him wiped up and dried and changing his onesie I lunged — still hunched over — to the door for a second to let Riley out, and which point he went to the outside of the door, shut it, and started screaming to be LET BACK IN.

A few minutes later I sent an email S.O.S. to JB, which basically read DOT DOT DOT DASH DASH DASH HALP. And my husband, to whom I do not attribute nearly enough credit on a regular basis, came home from work early to help me, because I was 1) an invalid at that point, thanks to my fubar’d back and 2) halfway to being Britney-level insane.

Today has been better. Which is good, because it is my birthday — 34, my GOD — and all I wanted for my Very Special Day was a little less chaos, thank you very much. Well, that and maybe a dessert containing at least forty thousand calories.

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Felicia
Felicia
14 years ago

Happy Birthday, Linda! Here’s hoping you get that dessert… and that your back feels better soon.

Audrey
Audrey
14 years ago

Yeah for wonderful husbands! Have a wonderful, happy birthday and just skip dinner – fill up on even more high-calorie dessert!! After all, you’ve got two kids to keep up with now.

stephanie brown
stephanie brown
14 years ago

happy birthday :) and you are doing a great job, you’re a wonderful mother. i cant wait to get advice from you one day

alli
14 years ago

WOW! Happy Birthday! Sounds like two kids IS an adventure. I mean, sorry about your back? Good for JB for coming home early, good for you for asking for help.

BTW, both kids are still incredibly cute.

natalie
14 years ago

awesome… and happy birthday!

mona
14 years ago

Have a great birthday Linda!

Sabine
14 years ago

Happy Birthday, and I hope your back gets better soon!

LJ
LJ
14 years ago

Happy Birthday! Glad your day was better.

serror
serror
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!

Nolita Morgan
14 years ago

Happy Birthday, Linda! Have you tried the “Molten Chocolate Cake” from Chili’s on for size? It will leave you blissed out! Promise! Have a good one!

beach
beach
14 years ago

Heres to back pain be gone, yummy desserts and less poop and puke!!….Enjoy Linda!!…you will look back on these days with fondness, I promise!!!spoken by a Mom with teenagers!

TinaNZ
TinaNZ
14 years ago

Your post brings it all shudderingly back even though my boys were four years apart. It will get better but grab all the help you can get in the meantime. Hope you manage to have some sort of birthday celebration – sheesh girl, 34 is NOTHING!

Pete
Pete
14 years ago

Happy 34th!
I remember those days with a young’en

I hated one piece outfits and would usually keep mine in a outfit where the bottom was open like a moo-moo.

You asked once why people read your blog. It’s because of posts like this where I can remember the past with a little more humor.

Amy M.
Amy M.
14 years ago

Happy birthday! Hope you get that dessert & please describe it in scrumptious detail so we can live vicariously!

Hope your back feels better!

erin
14 years ago

OH my Lord that was TOO funny to read. It’s funny because I have had many days like the one you just had. I hope you have a wonderful birthday with your 3 boys. And lots and lots of chocolate. Mmm.

Kristen
Kristen
14 years ago

Happy Birthday Linda!

Zannah
14 years ago

Happy Birthday Linda! Mine was last week, 38 for me.

Hang in there, it really does get easier. Hope the back gets better soon too.

Kirsten
14 years ago

oh man – back troubles SUCK ASS. Happy Birthday! You are seriously going to help me feel like one baby is a breeze compared to two :)

Teralyne
14 years ago

Happy birthday. Boy you sure do know how to write sorry but you had me laughing out loud now I was NOT laughing at you I was laughing with you AND IN WELL KNOWN SIMPATHY.

Meredith
14 years ago

Happy birthday!

Diana
Diana
14 years ago

Yay!! Happy Birthday!

And man…you desribed that so well I am sure that I have been there far too many times and I could feel the overwhelmingness (yes, I like that word) in my core.

Hope its a good one!

julie
julie
14 years ago

Have another great year!

Liz
Liz
14 years ago

Happy birthday! Mine was Saturday and I was 31. Hope yours is as good as mine was!

Brid
Brid
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!

GoingLoopy
14 years ago

Happy birthday, and may your back be healed. I would suggest Icy Hot in the interim….also, a heating pad. And some cake which contains chocolate.

Naomi the Strange
14 years ago

Happy Birthday! So you’re a Pisces. I probably could have guessed that one. :) I’m an Aquarius, mine was on Feb 11 and I’m 30 now. How old is Riley? I thought he’d be potty trained by now. Although at this point I can’t imagine potty training a kid AND taking care of a baby, so he’ll probably be in diapers for a few more years. HAHA, then you can just potty train them both together haha.

Becky
Becky
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!

Chloe
14 years ago

Happy birthday!!!!

I’m an Aries. I have no idea how that relates to your birthday, or being a Pisces, but either way…
Hope your day is reasonably chaos-free, and you get a massive desert featuring lots of chocolate and possibly cream!

Banana
14 years ago

Happy birthday!!! I hope it is puke free-ish and filled with chocolate and quiet.

ShannonJ
ShannonJ
14 years ago

Happy Birthday! You’re doing better than I did already – I don’t think I was home alone with both kids until my littlest was at least 3 months old. :)

Niki P.
Niki P.
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!! It will get better- I promise you!

Sunshyn
14 years ago

Happy Birthday. Um, receiving blankets make good puke rags. You might line your bed with those blue chux diaper things they use in the hospital? I’d consider having the doc switch the formula, seriously. We switched the newest grandson to soy, and a lot of the puking went away. And then CPS, in its infinite wisdom, gave him back to The Unfit Mommy, who switched him back to Good Start. He’s been puking for the past week, we’re told. Some women shouldn’t breed, and they’re always the most fertile, it seems. Core body exercises, or your back will be toast forever… Can you put Riley back in daycare, maybe?

Jessica
Jessica
14 years ago

Have a happy 34th! And I hope your back is feeling better soon!

Jamie
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!
I’m sorry about your back, that sucks! I’m trying to potty train my 2.5 year old son before baby #2 arrives in June. Mine will poop in the potty, but it is turning out to be a much more time consuming for me than his pooping in his diaper. The worst is trying to wipe his butt while he’s standing up trying to look at the poo poo he just made.

Janssen
14 years ago

Happy Birthday! Good luck with the back, the baby, and the toddler.

And enjoy the dessert!

Alex
14 years ago

HAPPY! So much happy…

kalisah
14 years ago

oh geez I’ve had those kind of back problems, but never with TWO babies. Hell’s bells woman. No chance for a week flat on your back in bed, I suppose?

whoorl
14 years ago

You deserve the biggest dessert known to man. Happy Birthday!

deanna
14 years ago

happy birthday linda! i highly recommend any sweet treats involving hot fudge, ice cream, chocolate and whipped cream. mmmmmm. as a matter of fact, i might use your birthday as an excuse to have a ridiculously delicious cupcake from a local bakery in your honor.

Stacy
14 years ago

Oh yeah, the muscle-less torso. I had no idea this happened after giving birth. No one told me! I’m desperately trying to regain the strength to sit up. Let alone wear the Baby Bjorn for more than five minutes. Urgh!

And I’ll split that 40,000 calorie dessert with you, but make it 80,000 then please. The horrors of pregnancy continue with no muscle tone and the desire to eat every carbohydrate within a fifty mile radius, and cover that carb with chocolate and whip cream please.

honeybecke
honeybecke
14 years ago

Happiest of Happy Birthdays! Lots of cake and pressies to you!

What a first day home alone! God, hope your back gets better soon. Did you laugh? Did you cry?
I’m pretty sure I called my husband the first day crying about somesuch thing like crying duets or poopy duets or hold me duets or ya know, SOMETHING. You’ll get used to the duets of your young. They’ll drive you nuts but eh.

Yams
Yams
14 years ago

Happy Birthday Linda! I experienced exactly what you are going through a few months ago. It DOES get better, the first 6 weeks are the hardest.

Melissa
14 years ago

Here, have this:

http://www.icecreamireland.com/images/Dessert/Deathbychoc-sm.jpg

Sending you Happy Birthday brainwaves!

Steph T
14 years ago

Happy Birthday! I hope your back feels better soon and that you get all you wish and more for your special day!

Jo
Jo
14 years ago

Happy Birthday! Hope you get that calorie-filled dessert :)

Caitlin
Caitlin
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!!!!!!

And…go JB! Snark aside, we knows you haz a gud man.

Alice
14 years ago

happy birthday! i hope it was WAY less crazy, with a miraculously cured back and several thousand chocolatey calories.

Bianca
14 years ago

Happy Birthday, Linda!

Jess
14 years ago

Happy birthday! I’m glad today was better than yesterday.

Carmen
Carmen
14 years ago

Oh Linda, that is quite a horrible story. I wrenched my back putting my son into his car seat in November and so I understand the pain. I cannot imagine how you subsequently dealt with both kids until JB got home. You are a superstar. (And, might I add, so is JB? My husband NEVER EVER would have come home.)

Happy Birthday!! Enjoy your cake!

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