Yesterday was JB’s first day back to work and my first day alone with both children. Things started off with a bang —or more appropriately, a BLEURGH— at about 6 AM when Dylan horked the entirety of his morning feeding all over our bed, JB’s half-asleep body in particular. After JB left for the office, I managed to get Riley into his clothes and fed before Dylan woke up, at which point I fed the baby and strapped him in the front carrier where he instantly fell asleep. Feeling like SuperMom, I strode confidently down the hall to the living room, where I was assaulted by the reek of toddler poo. I briefly fantasized about a glorious day in the future when at least one kid would start crapping somewhere other than his own pants, and took Riley to his room to change him. Wearing Dylan on my front, I lifted Riley onto his low futon bed and bent over him to deal with his diaper. At some point during this process I felt my back register an Official Complaint, but since I was committed to the task at hand I ignored it, until 5 minutes later back in the living room I tried to pick Riley up to look out the window at a garbage truck outside and my back went, FUCK YOU. (Those of you who issued dire warnings about exercising are probably entitled to at least one loud obnoxious I toooold you so, although I think the problem had more to do with my weak abdominal muscles and overtaxed back.)

My back went out so thoroughly I couldn’t even straighten up. I took Dylan out of the carrier and realized I had another diaper to contend with, so I lurched down to the baby’s changing table while crouched over like Quasimodo. Riley scampered behind, demanding to be put on our bed so he could “sing to Diwwan”. Cute, except I couldn’t lift him, and his reaction to that was to have himself a big old screaming tantrum while I wrestled Dylan’s diaper off. It was only after I had the diaper undone and the baby’s poopy butt exposed that I realized the wipes container was empty, so holding Dylan’s feet in one hand (so he wouldn’t get them covered in poo) I had to flail blindly for the wipes refill package in a drawer, drag it out with one fingernail, and tear it open with my teeth, MEANWHILE Riley had wandered over to the bedroom door and closed it and was now yelling for me to OPEN DA DOOR MOMMY, over and over, and then of course Dylan peed all over everything and in the midst of getting him wiped up and dried and changing his onesie I lunged — still hunched over — to the door for a second to let Riley out, and which point he went to the outside of the door, shut it, and started screaming to be LET BACK IN.

A few minutes later I sent an email S.O.S. to JB, which basically read DOT DOT DOT DASH DASH DASH HALP. And my husband, to whom I do not attribute nearly enough credit on a regular basis, came home from work early to help me, because I was 1) an invalid at that point, thanks to my fubar’d back and 2) halfway to being Britney-level insane.

Today has been better. Which is good, because it is my birthday — 34, my GOD — and all I wanted for my Very Special Day was a little less chaos, thank you very much. Well, that and maybe a dessert containing at least forty thousand calories.

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mixette
mixette
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!!!

And by god, after all you have going on, you STILL manage to keep us all current, laughing, and commiserating.

And may I suggest a rotation with a Pilates DVD with your turbo jam. Core strength, baby…from a back issues veteran.

Leah
14 years ago

Happy Birthday! I want to be like you when I grow up.

leenie
14 years ago

happy happy birthday!

sounds like a rough few days. hoping all gets easier and less, eh, bodily-fluids-filled.

Anais
Anais
14 years ago

Happy Birthday! May you have many more! Sorry about the insane day. That entry actually made my ovaries cringe a little.

brenna
brenna
14 years ago

Eeeej, that post made my eye twitch. Brought me back to when I had a newborn and a 2 1/2yo and I was full-on padded-room CR-azy. Now I have a newborn again (well, 5 months. Not so new anymore, I guess), but this time my next youngest is six, and he can make himself a sandwich for dinner and make one for mama while he’s at it. And wipe his own butt, woohoo!

Just remember that it gets easier. And take a lot of pictures, because you’ll repress a ton of it.

brenna
brenna
14 years ago

doi, and Happy Birthday!

Kizz
14 years ago

I really hope you got that dessert. You deserve that dessert every day until AT LEAST one kid doesn’t need his butt wiped. Glad JB came home.

Happy Birthday!

squandra
squandra
14 years ago

Happy Birthday! Get well soon, yo.

Kathryn
Kathryn
14 years ago

Aww, happy birthday! Sorry about the sucky day, but at least the boys are cute-tastic. That’s gotta make it a little more bearable, no? :)

marilyn
14 years ago

Hope the 40,000 calories of chocolate was everything you dreamed of and more, and your upcoming year is filled with twice as many new and awesome little boy moments as your last one! Happy birthday!!!

Julia
Julia
14 years ago

Happy Birthday! You’re the third person I know whose birthday is the 19th! No, hold that. 4th! :)

Elaine
Elaine
14 years ago

Happy Birthday! Hope it was at least a little better than yesterday. Today is also my sister’s birthday (as well as Dave Niehaus, announcer for the Mariners). A very important day!

Trina
Trina
14 years ago

Happy Birthday Linda! I hope you were able to enjoy your day today and I hope you got that dessert!

Philos
14 years ago

Happy birthday! It’s not like you’re OLD, you’ve still got another year before shifting to a new demographic! :-) Wishing you all the best.

Tess
14 years ago

Happy bday! After a day like that (ow!) you deserve every one of those 40 thousand calories!

Liz in Australia
Liz in Australia
14 years ago

Happy birthday :) We’re just coming out of that newborn insanity and things are settling down. I still have days when I really really want to scream for help though! Hope your back is better tomorrow.

Ter
Ter
14 years ago

Happy (belated,now) birthday!

Christy
Christy
14 years ago

Happy Birthday Linda!!

Jeanette
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!

Amblus
14 years ago

Happy birthday!

ang
ang
14 years ago

May your birthday be free of bodily secretions! (Or at least have them contained properly) Happy 34th!!!

Christina
14 years ago

Ah I made it to the bottom of the comments! YEAH.

Happy Birthday! Welcome to the 34 club :)

I hope the back feels better esp. after that dessert ;)

diane
diane
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!
I wish for you enough chocolate and cake to forget about poop, spit up and back pain.

sara
14 years ago

Happy Happy birthday sweet heart.

I’m so sorry about your back, though I have to admit I laughed my ass off. You sure can tell a story, even if it was a stressful haired one, hysterically.

Beekeebear
14 years ago

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

birdgal
birdgal
14 years ago

I guess this is a situation where you can ‘laugh’ at it later, because there was quite a few snorfles coming from my end (of course, I didn’t have to live it, but I’m sure MY DAY WILL COME). Anyway, Happy Birthday and I hope your back gets better soon (yay for JB!)!

Ginitag44
14 years ago

First off HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you had a special day.

Secondly – As a mom of 2 I can assure you that it will get better, I PROMISE.

the goddess anna
the goddess anna
14 years ago

Happy Birthday, dear. Here’s a big virtual hug, because I totally feel your pain. (((HUG))) : )

Michelle
Michelle
14 years ago

happy birthday!

JennyM
JennyM
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!

Here’s to many more and the successful containment of bodily fluids.

Angharad
Angharad
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!
Hope you had a great day and that your back sorts itself out soon!

Lawyerish
14 years ago

Happy Birthday, Linda!!

Your description of trying to change Dylan’s diaper KILLED me. I am sure you’re handling it all like a champ, but at the very least, you’re keeping us all entertained with your battle stories.

Gaby
Gaby
14 years ago

Happy birthday, Linda!

I hope your back feels better soon, and that your boys give you a calm day as your gift.

ie
ie
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!
Here’s to more cake and less puke!

Her Ladyship
14 years ago

Ugh – I am with ya sister. Two weeks ago my back went out and it was all I could do to lie flat on my couch. And all I had to do was lie there – my husband took care of the dog and the cat, no kids to speak of (although the cat’s grassbed went down the drain at that point). I can’t even imagine going through that with two small children to take care of.

And FWIW, I’m five days younger than you (PISCES IN THE HOUSE) and I do exercise specifically to strenghten my back. Sometimes life just kicks you in the nuts, don’t let those people who’d been pushing for you to do more exercise give you an “I told you so.”

To sum: Happy birthday!

Her Ladyship
14 years ago

Sorry for the double comment, but I just thought of this: the one thing that really helped me out was a therapeutic massage. Not the, OMG I’m so relaxed, this is bliss, kind, but the OMG I want to cry why are you hurting me kind. It really works through the muscles and unkinks them, although it tends to be a painful process. Something to think about…

Cobwebs
14 years ago

Happy birthday!

I remember trying to wrestle one-handed with wipe refills; I think there should be some sort of law that all products intended for use with babies must be capable of being opened easily with one hand.

Hope the rest of your day is less stressful. :)

Mary
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!

FishyGirl
14 years ago

Happy Birthday. Hope you are back to your strong-backed self with just a little rest – AND that you get your dessert.

Frank
14 years ago

Happy Birthday Linda! Here’s to many more! Hope your back is better.

Allie
Allie
14 years ago

Happy Birthday a day late Linda!

Brooke
14 years ago

Oh, my God, you poor thing. I hope today is better and I will also wish you a zillion calorie dessert.

Happy Birthday!!

Clueless But Hopeful Mama

This post? This post is why I love you. I have these days (and I only have ONE kid) and I love to read that other moms have days like this too.

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Here’s hoping for some back pain relief and a drop in baby barf.

Maxine Dangerous
14 years ago

Happy birthday! I’m 34 too. Let’s be best friends. :)

Carrie
14 years ago

My best birthday wishes and most heart-felt condolences go out to you. You are SuperMom!

Carol
14 years ago

Happy birthday from a fellow “east of Seattle”-ite! Not sure HOW I found your blog, as I’ve been Stumbling a LOT this morning and I’m dizzy!

Carol

Alicia
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!
Wish wishes that you get some time to relax and savor those calories you deserve.
from one of your fans..

Frannie in "O" town
Frannie in "O" town
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!!! Good times! February birthdays are the best ones. You’ve inspired me to buy a Nikon D70 and take awesome photos. Your new ones are great!
oxox

Jennifer
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!! (no clever comment but I just had to de-lurk to say that)

laughing mommy
14 years ago

Happy Birthday!

Thank you for writing so honestly about motherhood… I had several experiences similar to this one, and it made me laugh (and also break out in a panicky sweat) to read yours.