I was feeling my oats when I got ready to leave the house yesterday, probably because I can officially wear my Cruel Girl jeans again without creating a giant mound of squashed-up bellyfat above the waistband thankyouJEBUS, and so I paused to take the unusual-for-me step of applying a “lip plumper“. What can I say, after spending the past month day wearing sweatpants with unwashed hair I had the desire for a little cosmetic indulgence, even though I was just driving to daycare and back.

A full twenty minutes or so after putting on what I swear was a tiny amount of this ridiculous lip-irritating goo, I absentmindedly kissed Riley on the cheek. And . . . uh . . . well.

Remember that scene in Fight Club when Brad Pitt licks his lips and coats them with lye, chemically burning his lip print into the back of Edward Norton’s hand? That’s soooooort of what I did to my own child:

durdenprint.jpg

Now, despite his woebegone expression in this photo he actually didn’t seem to notice it at all, but I watched in sheer horror as two red lip-shaped marks appeared on his cheek, and despite my careful swabbing with cold water and a soft cloth, turned into raised WELTS.

The good news is that they disappeared entirely about a half hour later, the bad news is that I stupidly told my husband about it, who acted as though I had purposefully crammed toothpicks in the boy’s eyesockets. “Why,” he asked dramatically, “would you WEAR something that BURNS?”

Well, I guess I don’t rightly have a good answer for that at this point. It certainly wasn’t in order to damage my 2-year-old’s dewy-soft FACE, but don’t any of you bother competing for that coveted Jackass Parent of the Year award—I’m pretty sure I’ve got this one in the bag.

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Naomi the Strange
14 years ago

Haha, That doesn’t make you a jackass, stop being so hard on yourself. It does make for a good and hilarious story though!

Val
Val
14 years ago

Oh my – I always thought lip gloss or plumper was evil – just never figured it would burn poor innocent children! I have gloss and it gets all goopy after awhile and if you add more it’s a large goopy mess. So much for 6-hour lip gloss.

Rebel In Ontario
14 years ago

Never fear, someone out there has done something much worse I’m sure! I’ve been the bad Mommy who has scratched a bleeding trail down her sweet baby’s face with a ring as well as gorging a HUGE chunk of tender ankle flesh with her finger nail while diaper changing…so yes, bad – but it could have been worse!

Pete
Pete
14 years ago

And I would have thought that JB would have wanted you to try ‘other’ areas with something called ‘Plumper’

Mandee
14 years ago

Well, that never would have occurred to me as a possibility. Don’t feel badly–that could have happened to anybody.

Amy
Amy
14 years ago

I’m with Pete. How could JB have passed up such an obvious opening?

(Don’t feel too badly. Anything that the kid never notices and is gone in 1/2 hour anyway totally doesn’t count on the jackass scale.)

samantha jo campen
14 years ago

You’re not along: I scratched our newborn with my engagement ring.

I blamed my husband for the marquee cut.

stephanie brown
stephanie brown
14 years ago

Simple mistake!
At least you kiss your child’s cheek at all. I’m sure there are plenty of people out there that have no recollection (wow, that has to be spelled wrong.) of their parents kissing their cheeks!

JennB
14 years ago

I would have never thought of that…. don’t kill yourself over it. It does make for a funny story… I’m glad you got some documentation!

Ashley
14 years ago

That is hilarious! Only because Riley wasn’t seriously burned of course.

Kim
Kim
14 years ago

I paid $12 for that “Venom” lip plump stuff when it first came out. The only thing it did was burn me a little and scare my husband when we kissed once. He was thinking of what if I’d had it on during a certain act of marital relations.

Scott
14 years ago

No offense or anything, but there is no *way* you are going to win the Jackass Parent of the Year award. This is America, where parental jackassery is almost an Olympic sport. If you’d kissed Riley while he was eating a Big Mac and hammering a rusty nail into his shoe, then you might be eligible for some kind of regional award. Maybe.

I’m sorry to be so harsh, but I don’t want you to be disappointed when the Jackass Parent of the Year nominations are announced and you don’t hear your name called. Don’t feel bad. I mean, Nicole Richie is a parent now. How can the rest of us jackasses hope to compete with that?

Sleepynita
14 years ago

I don’t know what is more sad, Riley’s pouty face or the fact that the damn expensive lip plumper only lasted 30 minutes……

All day plumping my ass.

Janet
Janet
14 years ago

HOT LIPS LINDA !!

I Love it !

Janet in Miami

All Adither
14 years ago

Nope, I wrapped up that award when I let my two-year-old stir her own scrambled eggs. Let’s just say, the pan was very hot and her skin very sensitive.

Magnolia
14 years ago

Oh man, I would have never thought that it would do that either! Tell JB to Hush..that toddler will bang himself up into a thousand little bruises scrapes cuts and bangs without your help.

Besides I can top that..I was rough housing with my boy on the bed once and he jumped off of me I pushed him off onto the bed and he rolled over and put his head through the -window-. Giving your kid two little welts that disappeared in half an hour? nuttin compared to -that- moment of bad mothering.

Sabine
14 years ago

I never would have thought of that and could have easily made the same mistake. Although like you, I probably would have been too hard on myself about it. Congrats on getting into smaller jeans!

Brooke
14 years ago

Limp plumper burns? What does it do to YOUR lips? Yikes. I agree with Scott. I don’t think you’re even in the running. :-)

Kate
Kate
14 years ago

I did this to my husband once. He still won’t come near me if I’m wearing the slightest hint of sheen on my lips!

Kathryn
14 years ago

I did the exact same thing last weekend. I guess it “plumps” whatever it touches. My boy’s cheek was red for an entire day.

Kari
Kari
14 years ago

Love the story, love his long eyelashes a little more.

ZestyJenny
14 years ago

Yes, Kari!

I was just coming here to say his eyelashes are KILLING me.

Stephanie
Stephanie
14 years ago

Whoops! Well, at least you look hot! My daughter broke a fall into a coffee table with her face last Tuesday and she still looks like Mike Tyson got to her. People keep telling me she has dirt on her face.. really? Kiss my ass. 1. It’s a bruise 2. It’s none of your GD business 3. Kiss my ass.

Steph T
14 years ago

I’m not sure what’s in this product…but I do know that the active ingredient in the DuWop Lip Venom is just cinnamon oil (you know, the kind you use to flavor cinnamon candy). You are not a jackass…I would have never even thought about it. My friends girls love to play with my makeup and they have even played with my Lip Venom. They like how it makes your lips tingle. Yikes…maybe I should get a jackass award!

ikate
14 years ago

This is hilarious! I think a bit if Diet Coke just came through my nose.

Christina
14 years ago

Whoa who knew! Thanks for sharing… I will have to watch for that if I ever where lip plumper!

McWriter
14 years ago

Have you ever tried the lip plumper by Joey? It has the same effect as yours, sans carcinogenic tendencies. It tastes/feels like honey, but it’s a bit of a process for such a fleeting result.

Consider holding on to the toxic kiss potion as an accent for Riley’s Hugh Hefner costume next Halloween!

kim
kim
14 years ago

Just imagine how Riley would have looked if you had given him a lip to lip kiss….a little Jolie Baby?!

Glad he’s not scared for life and CONGRATULATIONS on the jeans. I’m entirely jealous. My “baby” is 7 years old and I still have 20 lbs to lose. Ugh…I’ll take any recommendations you have.

Tracy
14 years ago

At least you are in good company. I am sure I have been nominated for that award multiple times and I believe every single one of my friends have been nominated for that at least once or twice! At least you know it really plumps the lips right..Money well spent!

Julie
14 years ago

This falls under the “you can’t make this shit up” category because it is too funny! I agree with Pete — how could JB not make a comment about lip plumper??

Josh
Josh
14 years ago

Shit happens. The kid will probably get you sick way more than you maul his face with poison kisses of death. I’d call it even and just avoid washing your vagina with mace. No need to really piss off JB.

Josh
Josh
14 years ago

Wait, for real they sell lip plumper that irritates your lips enough to plump (as in swolled up) them? What the fuck kind of retarded shit is that? It took a minute for me to fully process that information, or I would have mocked the whole concept in my first comment. How about this, next time I’m on the west coast, just go ahead and pay me to roundhouse kick your face, cause that does the same thing. Really? Come on ladies, men don’t care about that shit, just let it go and stop torturing yourselves. (shaving your legs is not torture)

anna
anna
14 years ago

OMG that is funny…..

Beej
14 years ago

Hey, at least you didn’t try to wipe it off with those tissues that are laced with vicks vapo-rub. LOL.

Johanna
Johanna
14 years ago

Hee hee hee. Funny!

Jennifer
14 years ago

That Too-Faced goo will sear your mouth right off if you’re not careful. It burns like mad but is the best lip plumper I’ve tried!

…and for what it’s worth, after volunteering in several children’s shelters I can tell you that you are nowhere near to being the Jackass Parent of the Year. Everytime I think I’ve seen it all, some asshole comes along and blows my mind all over again.

Pam
Pam
14 years ago

Sorry, already been there done that, won the award with my plumper from Sephora. Talk about feeling like a vain and superficial terrible parent.
But who knew? That shit should come with a warning label!!
However, I have to say that it does do the job on my lips.

Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas

Haha! I’m glad it didn’t seem to bother him. Why would you think not to kiss him though? I’d have done the same thing.

Elizabeth
Elizabeth
14 years ago

I’ve done the same think to my son with lip plumper from Ulta. My son does not seem overly traumatized, and my husband simply laughed at me because I felt so guilty.

Anonymous
Anonymous
14 years ago

Don’t feel bad. Right before Christmas mass Olivia wrote on her forehead with permanent marker. I grabbed a Mister Clean sponge and gave her a sa-weet! chemical burn.

Liz
Liz
14 years ago

At least you were doing something nice like kissing him. My daughter got ahold of some lip plumper stuff when I was distracted by the tempting rows of beauty products at Sephora a few months ago. She was saying “Wipstick Mommy!” and I was just glad she was distracted for a few minutes while I swabbed and sampled. Then I looked down at the welts streaked on her cheek! Ever tried holding a kids face under the cold water in a public bathroom? Good times.

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

This from DANGERMAN who goes scuba diving and risks his balls to leap over high fences! Hee!

Totally forgiveable, Linda. Never mind the pouty lipstick. Soon enough you’ll be imploring JB not to buy Riley the chemistry set that might blow up your house or take Riley on the EvilKnievel trips men love to do.

d
d
14 years ago

in a world where under certain loose definitions of the word “parent” someone like britney spears might be considered part of the sample pool…you’re an incredibly long way away from serious contention for this award.

diablevert
diablevert
14 years ago

Weren’t you just all,

“I wanted bee-stung lips and we were all out of bees, motherfucker!”

danielle
14 years ago

Oh wow! I never knew that stuff could do that! I’m still not sure you win shitty parent of the year, because I’m the dumbass that let my 2 year old on a trampoline, where she subsequently broke her ankle!!!

Imstell
14 years ago

Leave it to a husband to over react! Was there a warning on the plumper? Cuz I’d be having a conversation with the company. If it does that to his face what would it do to your tongue,or JB (!) etc.?

JMH
JMH
14 years ago

I won the Midwest award about 6 years ago when I gave my daughter the keys to the car while I unloaded the grocerys. She locked herself in. It was July. It was HOT. Could I find the spare key?….NO! Did I have to call the police to rescue my baby from my own garage…..yes! And that is how I won MY award.

Beej
14 years ago

I just have to tell you this one. My cousin lives in a small teeny tiny town. Her 2 y/o son locked himself in the car. She called the cops, and the policeman got him out.

A week or two later the 2 y/o son wandered off in the woods behind her house. She couldn’t find him for anything. So she called the cops. The same fricken cop showed up! He got to the door, looked at my cousin and said “You? Again?”

It could be worse. At least you didn’t have the same cop, twice, over to witness a less than stellar moment in parenting.

Deanna
Deanna
14 years ago

I’d be in the running for bad parentiing award.
Mr Clean Magic eraser takes off sharpie.
And when it first came out it did not have a DONOTUSE ON SKIN warning.
My son’s face and arm – chemical burn.
*sigh*
I called the company and they tsk-tsked but I guess it was pretty widespread beacuse I know *so* many folks who did it, too.
Deanna

Michele
14 years ago

That was probably one of those moments where it was a delayed reaction. Like, what’s that? Huh. No. Couldn’t be. Noooooo! It does that!?