I was feeling my oats when I got ready to leave the house yesterday, probably because I can officially wear my Cruel Girl jeans again without creating a giant mound of squashed-up bellyfat above the waistband thankyouJEBUS, and so I paused to take the unusual-for-me step of applying a “lip plumper“. What can I say, after spending the past month day wearing sweatpants with unwashed hair I had the desire for a little cosmetic indulgence, even though I was just driving to daycare and back.

A full twenty minutes or so after putting on what I swear was a tiny amount of this ridiculous lip-irritating goo, I absentmindedly kissed Riley on the cheek. And . . . uh . . . well.

Remember that scene in Fight Club when Brad Pitt licks his lips and coats them with lye, chemically burning his lip print into the back of Edward Norton’s hand? That’s soooooort of what I did to my own child:


Now, despite his woebegone expression in this photo he actually didn’t seem to notice it at all, but I watched in sheer horror as two red lip-shaped marks appeared on his cheek, and despite my careful swabbing with cold water and a soft cloth, turned into raised WELTS.

The good news is that they disappeared entirely about a half hour later, the bad news is that I stupidly told my husband about it, who acted as though I had purposefully crammed toothpicks in the boy’s eyesockets. “Why,” he asked dramatically, “would you WEAR something that BURNS?”

Well, I guess I don’t rightly have a good answer for that at this point. It certainly wasn’t in order to damage my 2-year-old’s dewy-soft FACE, but don’t any of you bother competing for that coveted Jackass Parent of the Year award—I’m pretty sure I’ve got this one in the bag.


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Eric's Mommy
14 years ago

Wow that stuff is toxic huh?

14 years ago

Whoops, you just lost out. I gave my 16 month old son a bath last night. Judging by his screaming, I have this award In. The. Bag.

14 years ago

Linda, I love you.

Josh, I love you, too.

14 years ago

You know what I’m thinking, since JB was so um…critical. You should TOTALLY apply that seconds before you give him his next “favor.”

Rebecca M.
Rebecca M.
14 years ago

Maybe he’s allergic to something in it.

(And didn’t JB think Riley had a spider bite when he was showing symptoms of an ear infection? You might win the Jackass Award, but I think he wins the Amusing Parental Overreaction award.)

14 years ago

Don’t blame yourself, blame the cosmetics industry. This is a very useful website. http://www.safecosmetics.org/

Try not to freak out about the article currently posted on there (Chemical Linked to Reproductive Harm Getting into Babies from Cosmetics).

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13 years ago

Awww, he is so adorable. And weird coincidence – do you read Amalah’s Advice Smackdown? Last question was about those lip plumpers. I don’t think she mentioned this hazard!


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