I took Dylan for his pediatrician checkup this morning and after the doctor verified that he’s pudgening up at a respectable rate, and pooh-poohed my description of the unpleasant eating/spitting up period he went through (“Yes, babies tend to do a little spitting up until around 6 months of age,” she said, at which point I considered grabbing her stethoscope, yanking her close, and shouting directly into the chestpiece: “I AM TALKING ABOUT A SCREAMING-WITH-PAIN BABY WHO SPRAYS VOMIT INTO YOUR FACE EXORCIST-STYLE, DOES THAT SOUND LIKE ‘A LITTLE SPITTING UP’ TO YOU?”, but decided against it because 1) she was in charge of the needle that was soon to be plunged into Dylan’s defenseless thigh, and 2) whatever, he seems a hell of a lot better in that department now so my need to advocate on his behalf has switched to “Is it okay if I laugh at him when he goes cross-eyed, or should that actually be freaking me out?”), she noted that he tends to turn his head to the left and advised me to encourage him to turn the other way as often as possible.

“If you notice that it’s more than just a preference, that his neck seems to be weaker on that side, we should get physical therapy involved,” she said, “so just make sure to keep an eye on it.”

What? How the hell do I know if his neck is actually weaker or if he just likes the view off to the left? Physical therapy? The kid is 6 weeks old, he’s like a flailing squid! His shit is still under construction, nothing works worth a damn yet — I mean, drop this boy in the forest and he’s TOAST: no survival skills whatsoever!

So anyway, I guess I’ll be keeping an eye on that. I suppose if his head starts drooping off to one side like a thirsty tulip we’ll know he needs to do some neck crunches, or something. I sure am glad to have something to vaguely worry about, my Fret-O-Meter was running dangerously low.

In other news, some of you know I also write at ParentDish, but did you know how often I write over there? I shoot for two posts per day, and the reason I write so often is because they pay me per post. They do not pay a LOT per post, and therefore the only way to earn a halfway decent check at the end of the month is to write, write, write.

I like earning this money because it’s enough to make a positive impact on our budget, and it makes me feel good to get paid for something I generally enjoy doing. The audience at that website is so large, it’s inevitable that some readers are going to disagree with me no matter what I say (or point out the various ways in which I am a bad person, or be offended by my choice of words, or generally treat every entry as a giant stick which has somehow become rammed up their own ass), but while I don’t enjoy receiving sanctimonious comments on a regular basis it isn’t so bad that it makes the experience unrewarding. I figure as long as people are ragging on me and not my kids I can shine it on. Plus, some of the more hyperbolic commenters are truly entertaining with their responses—I had no idea there were so many ways to wind someone’s chain. Is any subject free of controversy? The answer is NO!

Also, in some perverse way it has been helpful for me to have so many writing obligations during this time of maternity leave. It just makes me feel more productive, which helps combat that I’ve-been-working-like-a-dog-all-day-and-have-nothing-to-show-for-it feeling. And having even more ways to connect with people and hear their parenting stories makes the isolation of staying home each day a lot more manageable, despite the occasional foamy-mouthed nutbar.

So anyway, if the all-mommyblog-all-the-time stuff doesn’t turn you off, you should come visit me there. Sometimes I slip in a cuss word or two!



I don’t always burn my child’s face with cosmetics, sometimes I put boxes on his head and tell him it’s a crown. “You’re King Tab!” I say, and he’s like, dude, this is bullshit.


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16 years ago

My son also had torticollis, which developed after birth because he preferred looking to the right. Which meant the neck muscles got short on one side. Which meant it was then uncomfortable to turn to the left. So he kept looking to the right. And his head got flat because it always rested on the same spot. Our ped diagnosed it at 2 months and we immediately started PT. By 4 months he was in a helmet (http://voluble.wordpress.com/about/plagiocephaly/) and that only took about 7 weeks. It was a mess.

My suggestion that you didn’t ask for is tummy time. If we had done that all of these problems would have been avoided. I never even understood that neck strength helped kids roll over. It’s free and simple.

16 years ago

Those bitches at PD are ca-razy! I love when you told the one commenter that you picture her (him? I always think her) as a cartoon frowny face. HA!

I’m glad the spitting up is getting better, I’m sure it will continue to improve.

Angela Fowler
Angela Fowler
16 years ago

You crack me up! I just had a newborn and can really appreciate what you write about. Thanks for making me smile!

16 years ago

Your commenters are what hooked me on All and Sundry (the Personal Lube Entry). I found them as hilarious as you and laughed until I cried. I read you at ParentDish also. I do have kids; three of them are way older than Riley, but one of them is about to be two months younger than Dylan. So I am appreciating your blogs more now, since they are a heads up to what I can be looking forward to (Plagiocephaly! Good times!) in the next few months.

16 years ago

Torticollis totally. Nothing to worry about. If needed, a bit of PT and voila! Be Gone Damn Torticollis (I can’t spell it either.)

Even though you’re sorry you mentioned the neck thing…we just keep on coming, don’t we.

16 years ago

Sorry to add to your Neck Thing discussion BUT my son’s head was flatter on the side he favored – he favored this side because he only nursed from one, um, hooter. What was recommended to me was to try a different hold while giving him the Pimp Juice & to place him at a different end of his cradle each time we put him down. I know you don’t nurse so if you favor a side that you hold him on maybe try switching that up but what really worked for me was switching the end of the cradle I put him down on at each nap. I *was* tending to put him down the way I favor holding him so I had to get used to placing him the other way. I do still do this (20 months later) and have him go down one way for nightnight sleep and the other for nap time sleep!

the goddess anna
the goddess anna
16 years ago

I’m glad you write for PD, or else I never would have found you! I still read there mostly because of your posts… and my fellow commentors. I figure the less people there agree with my parenting choices, the better I’m doing in the real world.

16 years ago

I have to admit that I read your ParentDish posts for the snippy comments as much as for your humorous writing. It’s WAY better than reality TV. It’s so fun to watch someone get their own panties (or tightie-whities) in a bind.

16 years ago

Funny hat story from my own childhood: Me and my little brother who is two years younger than me used to use kitchen ware as armor for our household battles. One day we were arming Nate with a nice helmet, a pot of some kind, and it got lodged over his nose, and we couldn’t get it off. So he’s freaking out and trying to ram this thing off his head, and he can’t see, and it’s cutting his nose. Long story short, after much yanking and tugging, my dad had to cut the pot in half to get it off. So if any of your readers get pissed that you adorn your children with trash, or don’t recycle, or drink harmful energy drinks or some other holier than thou bull shit, just tell them to fuck off, cause you could be trapping your children’s heads in metal cages of death.

16 years ago

I want a Tab Energy crown to wear to work! Every day I go in there I think “dude, this is bullshit.”

How old does that make me?

9 years ago

I think that the problem with the pcetpersive on the buildings is that it tends to draw your eye up, not down. I presume that you want the person at the bottom to be the focus. Also, perhaps a bit of shadow on the guy’s back would help to root the start of the building there. Unfortunatley there’s still a bit of disconnect there. It looks like a group of ants built a city on his back rather than the crushing weight of the first world.

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