Stop jumping on the couch. Stop jumping on the couch RIGHT NOW.

Daddy’s at work, remember? That’s where Daddy is. I believe we have discussed this before.

Could ONE of you stop pooping for five straight minutes?

Stop jumping on the couch or you’re going to your room. Okay, that’s it: you’re getting a time out in your room now, let’s go. (…) Stop jumping on YOUR BED.

Yes, you’re in a boat, I see. Oh, a boat on the water? Mm-hm. That’s very nice boat. Yes. Oh, a boat on the water, you say? Yes, I think you mentioned that. Ah, okay, so you’re in a boat? A boat on the water? Right, good. I think I’ve got it. Yes. Mm-hm. Sorry, was I not acknowledging that with enough vim and vigor? A BOAT ON THE WATER, HOLY FUCKING SHIT WOW.

Say ‘excuse me’ when you do that, please. Uh, no, you didn’t have to do it again twice as loud.

DADDY. IS. AT. WORK.

Please, allow me to replace that binky again. For the 35829th time.

Stop jumping on the couch. Stop jumping on the couch. No, jumping “just a lil’ bit” is not okay.

It puts the leftover plastic eggs in the Easter basket or it GETS THE HOSE. I am tired of having egg-circles tattooed to the bottom of my feet.

Let it be 5 PM let it be 5 PM let it be 5 PM let it be 5 PM oh look, 10:30.

No more juice right now. Did you want some water? Oh, you’d prefer juice? I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear the details of that request, as my ears are now BLEEDING from all the SCREAMING.

Hey, did you know the couch is full of angry sharks? That will bite you if you jump on them? Yeah, it’s true. You’ll learn about couch-sharks in school.

My, what is that fascinating aroma? Whoever dropped a load THIS time, please raise your hand.

Daddy ran away because you asked too many questions. I mean, Daddy is at work, remember? Lucky bastard.

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Fizz
14 years ago

*snort* Sounds like a day at my house (though without the newborn sibling). But the boat on the water? I never seem to acknowledge it with enough vim & vigor the first eighty-leven times, either….

JennB
14 years ago

We got another 6″ of snow this morning, on to polish off the behaviors of our annoying animals and slightly cabin-fevered child. Sigh. And almost all the snow was gone. Mother Nature is a bitch sometimes. Of course, talk to me 6 months from now and I’ll be complaining about the heat. I ain’t never happy.

Naomi the Strange
14 years ago

WOW. Thanks for reminding me to never have kids. I mean, sorry you’re going thru this and all. But goddamn. I’d have lost my patience a LONGass time ago…

Pete
Pete
14 years ago

Ah, the memories.

ben
ben
14 years ago

High-larious!

(I’m reading from work, heh)

Julie
14 years ago

What exactly is the correct amount of vim and vigor when answering the same question for the gazillionth time? I can never seem to get it right at my house either!

M.A.
M.A.
14 years ago

A Classic. Couch sharks — parental genius. I wonder if it will work on the dogs….

warcrygirl
14 years ago

I have an idea! Just buy a parrot, train it to say those phrases over and over and hide in your room. Of course, a bird can’t change diapers…sorry.

Katie
Katie
14 years ago

So freakin’ true! Can’t wait till they start school, oh in say 3 years!

pippa
14 years ago

Quit writing about my day. Well, mine is punctuated with a hacking cough, but still.

clarabella
14 years ago

My son doesn’t speak yet, but I can still remember the constant refrain of my little brother 25 years ago: “Where Daddy? Daddy? Where Daddy Rolf(my father’s name)? Where Daddy? Daddy? Where Daddy Rolf?” ALL. DAY. LONG. After my mother had run screaming from the room after answering “at work” forty thousand times, I would take over. I *can’t wait* until my son starts asking questions endlessly.
I like the parrot idea.

Emma
14 years ago

You’ve done it again – you were here, weren’t you?? YOU don’t really have the kids, you just come and observe my little hell hole!!

Again, thanks for reminding me that I am not the only one suffering just a little bit…

nonsoccermom
14 years ago

Hee. How exhausting!! I feel very fortunate that my oldest was 5 when my second was born. I have great respect for those of you whose kids are close in age, I don’t think I would have the strength to handle it!

annie
14 years ago

Ahh – something to look forward to. (I have a 5 month old.)

Amanda
14 years ago

Jumping on the couch is so yesterday. Today it’s, “Yes. Yes, mommy I did pee in my bed because I was crying and it was dark.”

“When?”

“Yesterday and Saturday or Thursday tomorrow.”

“You can’t pee in your bed, it makes it smell. You have to tell mommy, ok?”

“Mama?” a squeak.

“Yes?”

“Mama, I peed in my bed four or two times tomorrow. Sorry.”

And cue mom feeling like a complete and total failure. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

Swistle
14 years ago

HAHA HA HA HAHAHAHA HA HA HAHA HA!

RubiaLala
14 years ago

I’m so glad I’m not the only one who feels like that!

maggie
14 years ago

I’ve only got one pooper who can’t quite speak English yet, but DUDE I KNOW. I swear, the weather is trying to kill me.

Jen O.
14 years ago

Couch Sharks remind me of Dinosaur Cheerios. That’s what I call the old, stanky Cheerios in our car when Eirinn wants to eat them. I’m lucky I don’t have to give her further explanation. Apparently calling them Dinosaur Cheerios is enough to make her not eat them.

Liz
Liz
14 years ago

My husband and I can only be in two places, with the kid or at work. So I’ll say “Lilia, it’s time to get ready. We’re going to meet Daddy at the restaurant.” She’ll say, “No! Daddy at wuck.” And I’ll say, “He was at work, but now he’s going to meet us.” And she’ll point at me and say “NO! Daddy at WUCK.” There is no arguing.

Quiana
14 years ago

I don’t know if you’ve got snow where you are, but it is coming down here in Edmonds.

Is that better or worse for stir-crazy children?

Maybe better? New topic of repetitious conversation?

Good luck!

MissAnna
MissAnna
14 years ago

Take them to the pacific science center. It’s full of screaming-tired-of-winter kids. I can’t say from experience, but parking downtown in the snow has got to be better than going crazy at home, right? (Good luck with all that…I’m sure it’ll seem funny some day…)

All Adither
14 years ago

They are lucky bastards. They don’t know how lucky they are.

Jo
Jo
14 years ago

I’ll have to send this to all those folks who keep asking when I’m going to have another!

It’ll be 5 soon. Promise!

LFM
LFM
14 years ago

Oy, my head is spinning!!! I know my days are numbered until I am blessed with this type of thing in my house. Hang in there. It’s almost 5 if that makes you feel better…oh wait, I’m in NY and it’s almost 5, which means it’s nowhere near 5 out west…sorry, that didn’t make you feel any better.

Gentry
14 years ago

Just so you know, at my child-free house it’s about the same, only with the frustatrion directed at the pug (who is always in the trash, bothering the cat, peeing in the bedroom, asking to go out…and then not peeing in the street, digging in the laundry…).

And Napoléon the pug *is* a full grown adult. But at least I don’t have to pay for his college.

victoria
victoria
14 years ago

Oh, man. I don’t think I could make it through a day like that. Hang in there until 5:30. And when JB gets home? Take off. Go to a nice hotel, have a pedicure and a massage, go shopping. Show up at about 10 pm on Sunday night.

Kathryn
14 years ago

Ha! Glad to know I’m not the only one with a kid who REPEATS EVERY FRIGGIN QUESTION 400 TIMES.

Also, what’s with the snow again today?

andi
14 years ago

What are you doing in my house?

Right now, I’m impatiently waiting for the five o’clock hallelujah hour when I can open up a bottle of wine. If my husband is lucky, he just may get a glass.

And maybe, just maybe, I’ll get to listen to something besides Dora and continual chocolate bunny requests. And someone else can tell my daughter that her baby brother does not want to be hugged RIGHT NOW – when he cries it means he DOESN’T LIKE something. Sheesh.

Sunshyn
14 years ago

My favorite parental parrot line is, ok, my TWO favorite parental parrot lines are: “I can’t understand you when you are whining” AND “I can’t hear you when you are screaming.” Preferably spoken in a whisper so the kid has to strain to hear you.

Maxine Dangerous
14 years ago

OMG … laughing so hard I’m CRYING. That was hysterical. :) I don’t know how moms do it. I have cats and that’s enough most days. :)

Teralyne
14 years ago

I lost my coffee through my nose. Been there done that and still do it with the 2 year old grand daughter and month old grand son. I feel your pain but I get to give them back to mommy.

Amy
Amy
14 years ago

ohmyholyhell have I been there! My latest phrase that seems to keep popping up on a regular basis, “THE CAT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE THAT NOISE…PUT HER DOWN NOW!!!”

Ain’t parenthood grand!

Christina
Christina
14 years ago

OMFG! I laughed out loud reading this. How spot on can you be????

Tina
Tina
14 years ago

and that is why my kids jump on the couch. I gave up.

Tina
Tina
14 years ago

(and it’s a crappy couch in a tiny house so it seemed not a battle I wanted to fight.) I felt I really needed to add that…

Donna
Donna
14 years ago

Oh Linda. . . so funny. . . from way over here on the ‘no kids’ side. . . .

trackback

[…] On the small chance you haven’t read it yet. I’ve been laughing about this all day. Filed under : UncategorizedBy katiemagic On March 28, 2008 At 6:53 pm Comments :   […]

Cali911Gal
Cali911Gal
14 years ago

It puts the leftover plastic eggs in the Easter basket or it GETS THE HOSE.

Classic.

I don’t know how you do it.

Lana
Lana
14 years ago

hahah hahahah!!!!

It’s my day! I should just email this to my family when they ask how I’m doing.

HollowSquirrel
14 years ago

Were you eavesdropping again on my day again? Serenity now– it’s the weekend! DADDY IS HOME!!!! Go show daddy the boats, Riley.

JMH
JMH
14 years ago

MEMORIES! Ah, such lovely days :) I so rememeber when my second was a newborn and the oldest child was not potty trained….one day all I did for 2 hours straight was change poopy diapers…lather, rinse and REPEAT! Hang in there :)

Rosie
14 years ago

It gets the hose… I’m in love.

kali
14 years ago

Inside I was screaming crazy at the mundaneness of the days. I organized trips that took an hour to prepare for, and had to leave after only 20 minutes because their attention span couldn’t cope further than that. And the car rides…I had leopard spotted upholstery from the diluted apple juice spilled, sprayed, and dropped on the seats. I dearly loved my children at that age and at the same time desperately needed a place to rent them out to for just 15 minutes of continuous silence.

Thanks for helping me laugh at the memories.

kristylynne
kristylynne
14 years ago

I think we may be living the same life. And I only have ONE kid. This morning, my husband had the audacity to mention that instead of waiting until the last minute to put my taxes together, I should work on it all year long. As if I have nothing else to do, you know. I won’t mention my reply here because this is a family blog, but let’s just say that it was LOUD, and that sailors have nothing on me when it comes to cussing.

Sonia
14 years ago

So you were in my house yesterday? OMG. While it was SNOWING in freaking LATE MARCH, and my child has been home from school all week, sick? My face is still red from all the blood pressure spikes. I feel your pain. I’m thinking up 2,345 things I “need” right now, so I have an excuse to leave the sick kid at home with his sick dad and go get some peace at freaking TARGET ON A SATURDAY, is how bad the situation is over here.

Julie
14 years ago

I have been living essentially the same day you describe all week, and I am losing it.

Today, it’s beautiful, and we are all stuck at home because the preschooler’s behavior was too atrocious to reward with the planned trip to the zoo.

Blah.

one feisty mama
14 years ago

you are just too, too brilliant, and your commenters are the salt of the earth.

Elizabeth
Elizabeth
14 years ago

“Daddy ran away because you asked too many questions. I mean, Daddy is at work, remember? Lucky bastard.”

LOL!

Terri
14 years ago

Your post made me laugh outloud before my second cup of coffee. I have two boys, a year apart. Theyre almost grown and out of the house, but i can remember those days all too well. It gets better as they get older…..(oh yeah, that comment was meant to be sarcastic.) Good luck!