Stop jumping on the couch. Stop jumping on the couch RIGHT NOW.

Daddy’s at work, remember? That’s where Daddy is. I believe we have discussed this before.

Could ONE of you stop pooping for five straight minutes?

Stop jumping on the couch or you’re going to your room. Okay, that’s it: you’re getting a time out in your room now, let’s go. (…) Stop jumping on YOUR BED.

Yes, you’re in a boat, I see. Oh, a boat on the water? Mm-hm. That’s very nice boat. Yes. Oh, a boat on the water, you say? Yes, I think you mentioned that. Ah, okay, so you’re in a boat? A boat on the water? Right, good. I think I’ve got it. Yes. Mm-hm. Sorry, was I not acknowledging that with enough vim and vigor? A BOAT ON THE WATER, HOLY FUCKING SHIT WOW.

Say ‘excuse me’ when you do that, please. Uh, no, you didn’t have to do it again twice as loud.


Please, allow me to replace that binky again. For the 35829th time.

Stop jumping on the couch. Stop jumping on the couch. No, jumping “just a lil’ bit” is not okay.

It puts the leftover plastic eggs in the Easter basket or it GETS THE HOSE. I am tired of having egg-circles tattooed to the bottom of my feet.

Let it be 5 PM let it be 5 PM let it be 5 PM let it be 5 PM oh look, 10:30.

No more juice right now. Did you want some water? Oh, you’d prefer juice? I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear the details of that request, as my ears are now BLEEDING from all the SCREAMING.

Hey, did you know the couch is full of angry sharks? That will bite you if you jump on them? Yeah, it’s true. You’ll learn about couch-sharks in school.

My, what is that fascinating aroma? Whoever dropped a load THIS time, please raise your hand.

Daddy ran away because you asked too many questions. I mean, Daddy is at work, remember? Lucky bastard.


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16 years ago

That is funny.
Sounds just like my house. Where’s Daddy? I’m just jumping a little bit? I want orange juice. Look the car is flying.
Ahhhh. spring where the hell are you?

16 years ago

That is pretty much my life as well, except take out the boy things and add girl things. I love being home with the girls, but goodness does hubby have it good?

16 years ago

When did you come over and babysit my kids for me? If I’d have known, I’d have taken a nap and gotten a haircut.

16 years ago

AHAHHAHAHHAH!!! As the working parent, this is funny as hell to me. Now I know what I’m missing….(I wouldn’t say I’m missing it, Bob.)

16 years ago


16 years ago

It’s in the seventies this week. And we’re getting a warm front. This is why Dixie land is the best place on earth.

16 years ago

“Or it gets the hose…” Oh, god, you kill me. My throat is too sore to be snickering right now.

Mohammed Volz
13 years ago

Nice info. Thank you, very well written article.

Cletus Boenisch
13 years ago

Very helpful site. Great post, I absolutely enjoy reading your post.


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