Mar
30
Hooray for Sunday, day of rest. The end of the weekend, when you can lie in bed until sheer embarrassment finally drives you from your sheets, and the coffeepot stays warm all day long as you dawdle over the paper. What to do with the long, lazy hours stretching before you? Maybe make some french toast out of croissant bread, maybe take a little stroll around the neighborhood, maybe curl up on the couch and plow through a good book from beginning to end?
Go ahead and open your eyes from THAT pleasant little dream, dipshit, because you’ve got CHILDREN now. Hop to, because just like Lionel Ritchie those diapers have been partying all night long. Perhaps you should have spent more of your pre-parenthood Sundays reveling in the fact that your mornings never included pre-dawn scrotal fold poop-shrapnel mining duty, but NO, you were too busy ramming croissants in your french-hole to appreciate your sweet, sweet, feces-free freedom.
Ah well. Hindsight, 20/20, etc.
I did escape the House of Rugrats long enough to get a haircut yesterday, and while I’ve always enjoyed a good indulgent salon experience these days I feel like I go into something like a pleasure-triggered fugue state as soon as the stylist touches my head. My eyes roll back, my tongue lolls drunkenly, I have to consciously stop one leg from shooting straight out and jerking up and down like a dog from the pure bliss of it all. I mean, the humming, product-scented atmosphere, the sensation of my scalp being massaged, the complete absence of anyone shouting NOOK MOMMY MY HAS A BALL—dude. If it didn’t cost so damn much I’d make a standing appointment for every weekend from now until the kids are old enough to be sent to a nice Asian sweatshop.
(What? Oh, sorry, I meant “Montessori-themed Latin immersion preschool”.)
I got the same shortish A-line cut I’ve been getting over the last year, which initially looks a little like whatshername’s hair, Slutty Tyra from Friday Night Lights, before rapidly growing into a mass of split ends and exposed roots. I always think I’m going to get something drastically different but I never do, I suppose I just like the vicarious thrill of thinking about a wild new haircut but am ultimately too much of a pussy to make a big change.
My brain (stuck in 1992): “Fuck the man! Dye this shit fire-engine red! Shave the sides! Play the Circle Jerks on the way home because you just want some skank!”
My mouth: “Let’s trim up the ends, but keep the same overall shape. Thanks, I would like some chamomile.”
:::
In other news, the weather has gone batshit crazy around here. Behold the view from our backyard last night:
Is it not almost April? What the hell, Seattle.
Also, I noticed this while I was snapping photos:
I have told him and told him and TOLD HIM that chainsaws aren’t a particularly effective weapon against zombies, but does the man listen? Feh.
Lastly, I’ve really been enjoying Amazon’s grocery delivery service lately, but I wonder what kind of return policy they have?
Comments
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“Perhaps you should have spent more of your pre-parenthood Sundays reveling in the fact that your mornings never included pre-dawn scrotal fold poop-shrapnel mining duty, but NO, you were too busy ramming croissants in your french-hole to appreciate your sweet, sweet, feces-free freedom.” LOL – nicely put!
That is a great picture of Riley.
I use Pioneer Organics for the delivery stuff and had no idea Amazon was delivering groceries these days.
You can’t fully appreciate something until you lose it. I know from experience. Bumma!
You only have to wait another 10 or 12 years for the endless coffee and the croissants.
Sadly, even though I am a childless slut, I still get prevented from my Sunday-morning lie-ins. I have this incredibly annoying cat (much like yours, I think) and this morning she awakened me gently and lovingly by pulling the bedside lamp off of the table with a thundering crash and then rubbing her butt against my face.
Um, anybody want a cat?
Dude, your salon serves you tea?
I am so jealous of you and your Amazon grocery delivery. Although the idea of someone else picking out my produce freaks me out a little.
I want groceries delivered…
I can’t even fathom how this works. Does amazon have grocery stores I am unaware of?
“…scrotal fold poop-shrapnel mining duty…” That’s EXACTLY what I was trying to explain to my friend when she said it was so hard to clean baby girl bits. Puh-lease. Boy bits are much more difficult and time consuming! =P
“you were too busy ramming croissants in your french-hole to appreciate your sweet, sweet, feces-free freedom”
– that’s just gold! :)
Haha, I love how kids love to get into boxes and stuff. it’s so cute. I’ve got the cutest pic of my niece in a shoebox! hahahaha :) they’re like cats. Snow in April? Global warming man. its fuckin’ up the weather everywhere.
I loved this whole thing. Oh, weekends. When will we have them again?
Before we had Charlie, Paul and I used to greet each other after work on Friday with a kiss and a “Happy weekend!”
Now we stagger dazedly towards each other on Monday morning and breathe a heartfelt “Happy Monday!”
What happens on Monday, you ask? Why, day care, of course.
According to the zombie survival guide, a crowbar is the best anti-zombie weapon because it’s light, hard enough to smash skulls and not snap, and it can pry open locks and doors..;-)
He he, great post…I totally laughed aloud.
I know, like, what the heck did I do every weekend before child?…..oh yeah, that’s right – NOTHING! And oh, what bliss!
When I was pregnant with my second child, a childless co-worker proclaimed that it was those lazy Sundays spent relaxing that gets a person in trouble. Baby trouble.
That has got to be the cutest pic of Riley!
Hey! I had French toast this morning!
The rest, though? That never happens. And I don’t even have kids.
“Perhaps you should have spent more of your pre-parenthood Sundays reveling in the fact that your mornings never included pre-dawn scrotal fold poop-shrapnel mining duty,”
This officially added at least 1 to 25 years of prescribed birth control to my diet, much to the husbands dismay.
Also, kudos on the Lionel reference. That alone would have made my day (although, as a croissant stuffing, fecal free woman, I guess my Sunday of reading on the couch and should be considered a day made to begin with, eh?).
‘feces-free freedom’ Classic.
Also, with the Amazon grocery thing. Only availible in your area. Do you have to keep up with the rubbing it in our noses? gah. I WANT IT!!!! I want dry iced groceries at my door at 6:00am!!!
I remember before we had kids we had a VERY hard time making it to 10:30 am church, as in TEN THIRTY IN THE MORNING. Today, by 10:30, I already had dishpan hands, and a brunch for 7 in the works. The kids had an early breakfast too, of course, and I also did our weekly grocery shopping. All by 10:30.
It’s sort of like that military slogan: we do more by 9 am than most folks do all day!
He looks so tiny in that crate! Again I will mention that I’m in Florida (in case you feel like escaping the snow) :)
Children are required for the visit though. Hoping that spring/summer finds Seattle soon.
Oh, how I miss those weekends – and my kids 9 and 15! Of course they aren’t the only ones that need taken care of. I was up making breakfast and getting everyone ready for church this morning when I got the call to come a bail my stupid 22-year old brother out of jail! GAH!
My husband laughs at me every time he catches me trying to extract the poop shrapnel in the scrotal folds (as you so eloquently put it). I am so sqeemish about touching my sons’ junk (they’re well-hung, and get hard so easily it freaks me the hell out!!), so the first time they had the crusty dried overnight shit I tried using a wet q-tip and, well, yeah. I hate it. And if one twin has it, the other one does too. You know what, I’ve noticed too that all the men in my house, three humans plus two cats, all poo within about 10 minutes of each other. WTF, people/cats, W!T!F!?
Jealous of the snow. We’ve been 80 degrees one day and 40 the next for months now. You can hate me for this one – nobody wakes up before 8 around here anymore. Of course, they don’t get put to bed until 9or 10, but they also take 3-4 hour naps in the afternoon. : ) Now that I’ve typed it, things will change.
I will now be telling everyone I know to ram a croissant in their french hole.
You have a way with words that exceeds my expectations every time I visit this here blog. I wish I could think like you.
Listen, gal, do the fire-engine red hair now before the gray starts creeping in. Enjoy all the possibilities cuz once you start going gray highlights are all about “blending” and “concealing” and adapting until you decide to let it all come in gray. I’m not yet there but it’s coming. I would kill to be able to go red now, but alas, it’s too late. Go wild. You are on maternity leave.
Hey, it could be worse, you could have 5 kids. It’ll get better. You’ll have your sunday’s back someday.
BTW-I tagged you for a meme!
I’d like to officially state that my husband would like a man-date with JB.
Nice saw.
I too got my haircut yesterday and found there is something to be said for going with the same style. I walked out of the salon with bangs. Not long sideswept bangs but the kind that go straight across the forehead and make me look 5. I have this funky Japanese lady that cuts my hair (Im the one who lives in Japan) and she assured me that “bangs very high fashion, you look like Asian doll.” I think she sensed my discomfort and assured me “it only hair, it grow back quick.” Thanks Rumiko, except today is my birthday and I have effing bangs to celebrate it. This is the last time I’ll ever make that mistake again.
“Perhaps you should have spent more of your pre-parenthood Sundays reveling in the fact that your mornings never included pre-dawn scrotal fold poop-shrapnel mining duty . . .” Bwahahahahahahaha. Seriously, I’m crying (and also have a diapered boy.)
Getting my hair washed in a salon always gives me an orgasm (practically). I usually make them do it twice, because I’m greedy like that.
I haven’t even read the whole entry and already I have to comment.
“pre-dawn scrotal fold poop-shrapnel mining duty”
Bwaaaahahahahahahahahah! You’re a genius.
But I have to disagree with a previous commenter about the difficulty level of cleaning girl bits. There’s a whole new level of emotion in cleaning girl poop off girl bits. In order to get the girl clean enough that no infections start, there’s … um… the spread and wipe technique, which involves pulling the folds apart and really getting in there with the wet wipe. I keep waiting for someone to swoop in and tell me that I’m violating my child and I am to be hauled off to jail. It’s worse for her daddy.
Off to read the rest of it now.
You should sell prints of the top picture. (No offense to JB or Riley.)
Oh I don’t know, chainsaws could be effective against zombies, if used properly :)
I always think I’m going to do something dramatic and crazy with my hair, and I always come out looking pretty much the same, but wihout roots or ratty ends.
Having both a boy and a girl, I can say that the removal of fecal matter is equally challenging for both. I completely agree with Andrea on the potential for violation with the girl, but the scrotal fold issue is also a major pain. Ah, bliss…
As for salon heaven…I went last week when my baby was only 8 days old and it was the best thing I have done in SUCH a long time. Seriously…I fell asleep in the chair. Luckily, I have a stylist who is a grandma and understands these things, and she didn’t try to give me a new look ( or bangs! poor Lisa!)
Thanks for making me laugh out loud every day! I am totally looking you up when I visit Seattle (which you and I both know won’t be for at least 18 years when the children are grown)
Oh. My. God. The quote the Melissa pointed out in her comment was my favorite! Must stop laughing to type…
Okay. So the husband and I were talking about this very thing yesterday. He was all, “Remember before we had kids?” We both wanted to have a good cry because we so took our freedom for granted. Not waking at the ass-crack of dawn. Not packing an Armageddon-load of supplies every time we leave the house. Getting to do what we wanted to do for 5 minute stretches without having to yell or commence food prep or turn on the light in the fucking bathroom because a short person refuses to use her stool for this one task. Well, you know the drill.
Next weekend, I’m going to hit all the good brunch spots and yell from the roof, “Enjoy your freedom, you lucky bastards!”
Ah, you made me laugh about cleaning poop off wee balls. I’m a new mom and I never realized how much time I’d have to spend coaxing poop out of the many little ball-creases.
I’ve always loved reading your blog, but especially now that you are a couple of weeks ahead of me in newborn-dom. It’s nice to know what’s looming ahead!
“pre-dawn scrotal fold poop-shrapnel mining duty” That made my morning.
And I agree girl and boy bits are both equally tricky, having 2 of each myself. Kids, not bits, that is.
You slay me. And here I thought I was the only one who wanted to hump the chair at the hairdresser when I’m finally able to get my grays colored (which happens once in a blue moon, aka When Mommy Starts to Look Like Grandma).
Sundry, this comment has nothing to do with your post, but I came across a David Sedaris audio highlighting his fear of Zombies and I thought you might like it, I know you like, zombies, and I know you’ve mentioned the “fuckit bucket” so you’re familiar with David’s writings.
Here’s the link.
http://www.kut.org/items/show/5528
I just came across this on elbo.ws, and I immediately thought of you and your love for zombies. And who among us can’t appreciate a cartoon violence homage, I ask you.
Swedish indie act Spoonfork has a new EP posted for free download: http://www.spoonthefork.com/
Entitled “The zombie EP”, said release is described by the band as “a cartoon violence homage to the zombie films of the 60/70/80’s.” The band’s proper full-length debut “All is well” will be out April 15.
Do you like Amazon’s grocery delivery? I’m tempted to start using it….I just love cruising through the store though….Except that I buy things I don’t need….Like the 4 million boxes of lean cuisine’s and such that is hanging out in our basement freezer. I keep forgetting I have them…
I am so glad I have you to read! You crack me up and I feel I’m getting precious preparation for life with my little boy when he arrives in July. Thank you so much for sharing your life so generously with the internet…
Dude, chainsaws are so fucking cool. I’ve been waiting and waiting for a good excuse to pull out the one we have at work, but there’s never anything I could justify it for. Tomorrow I get to destroy a wall, and geuss what my tool of choice is? That’s right a motherfuckingchainsaw! I am so excited. Sure I could use a sledgehammer or a wrecking bar or a sawz-all, but those don’t have chain blades, duh. Tell JB that picture is so cool, he should get a tattoo of it on his chest.
Side note: nobody wants skank, not any more.
when I was preggo I stayed in bed until 2pm every.single.weekend. I knew I would never be able to do it again.
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