To Dylan: If you keep refusing to sleep, even though you are bone-tired and yawning and rubbing your eyes, it will make you act even more horribly than you are, which is pretty fucking horrible. You don’t want to eat, you don’t want to be held, and you sure as shit don’t want to be put down, and the noise spiraling from your cry-hole is making my eardrums bleed. DO NOT LIKE.

To Riley: You know what? When you randomly drop toys all over the house all day long, you are bound to lose something. No, I don’t know where the hell your tiny plastic ladder is, and I’m sorry life has become such a shit sandwich as a result but I am frankly sick and tired of hearing about it. Is it really worth all the screaming? The loud, loud screaming? Your wailing and garment-rending is even more brain-burningly annoying than your brother’s, and I am seriously considering cramming both of you in the outgoing mail with “SIBERIA: OUTER” stamped on your asses.

What time is it? Why, I believe it’s ENFORCED NAPTIME. Booyah, motherfuckers:

videomonitorkids.jpg

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Val
Val
14 years ago

OK – know how you day is going. Bet you are glad you are at home instead of work. My day sucks, but nearly as bad as yours. Keep your chin up – it might get better after ENFORCED NAPTIME is over.

Laura
Laura
14 years ago

I’ve always loved reading your blog, but I have to say that after reading this one, I heart you even more :) Your honesty rocks – now go have a drink…or seven – sounds like you deserve it.

SJ
SJ
14 years ago

I’ll I have to say is: DITTO.

Sleepynita
14 years ago

Love it. Some days when the Dictator decides to skip his nap I make him sit in his room for my own ENFORCED MOMMYTIME. Although when he hauled his 26 pound ass out of his bed at 530am today I was not too impressed. What happened to 830am?

I feel your pain, and I adore my video monitor as well – going to have to get a second one.

Janssen
14 years ago

Brilliant idea!

Jennifer
14 years ago

A friend’s baby does the same thing Dylan does and her nanny calls it “fighting the woke” – don’t fight the woke, little man!

If only kids knew how precious naps were. I would take a life for a forced nap!

Also: look at Parent Dish’s cute new logo! Maybe the cuteness will scare away all of the assholes…

sooboo
sooboo
14 years ago

I love that you called your kids motherfuckers. That’s some funny shit right there.

clarabella
14 years ago

I am looking at the same scene on my video monitor, but at least today I didn’t have to ENFORCE naptime; he wore himself out with only a little grumpiness. But I feel your pain, and some days my little man spends “quiet time” (which just means I turn the volume all the way DOWN on the video monitor) in his crib whether he sleeps or not.

nonsoccermom
14 years ago

HA HA HA HA. Wow, that sucks, but that post sure was funny!!

Hopefully things will be better post-enforced nap…good luck.

laughing mommy
14 years ago

Yay for video montiors! Yay for enforced nap time!

I hear you about the 2 year old tantrums. I’ve heard crying so much these last couple of days that I’m having a hard time mustering up any sympathy at all. When she cries because she dropped her blankie and cannot find it, even though I’m pointing right at it… yeah, not sympathetic.

Ashley
14 years ago

I sort of wish you had posted this at PD just so I could read the comments! Did you happen to ask Riley if he checked his ass for the ladder? I have been guilty of that. And it sounds like Dylan might be coming down with the illness in your house. Solidarity sister!

Becky
Becky
14 years ago

I love you Sundry

Kay
Kay
14 years ago

((STANDS AND APPLAUDS))

I am so with you on this one, especially 4 days ago.

Amie
14 years ago

And this? This is why we love you so.

SherE1
14 years ago

My 4 YO whines ALL THE TIME about the toys she can’t find and it drives me up the wall! And she is so relentless – she’ll just keep following me around, asking over and over and over until I get fed up and send her to time-out or “enforced naptime”. I’m all about that too, baby!

Sarah
Sarah
14 years ago

The other day my 16month old was awake for only 45 minutes before I couldn’t take the crabbiness and put him down for his morning nap. It was beautiful (and left the monitor off. cry all you want, you’re going to sleep)

Niki P.
Niki P.
14 years ago

I was gonna tell you to check his ass for his ladder. Kids sure do suck the big one.

biscuit
biscuit
14 years ago

I triple Dog (get it?) dare you to post this EXACT blog on Parent Dish.

CBO
CBO
14 years ago

They “outed” Siberia? I always knew that was one oddly flamboyant wilderness area. That puts a whole new spin on the Gulags.

Yes, I’m just kidding.

eileen
eileen
14 years ago

Oh dear. And I thought I was having a bad day.

grandma of 6
grandma of 6
14 years ago

My 3 year old grqandshild always tells me she isn’t tired. I tell her, her being tired has nothing to do with taking a nap. I’m the one that needs the nap and I’m too busy so she has to take it for me. Loved the post!

WCD
WCD
14 years ago

You know growing up I thought for the longest time that my name was Goddamit and my sisters name was Jesus Christ. Mom threatened to sell us to the gypsy’s is that kinda like Siberia?

And I quadurple dog dare you and I wish send you a 25 dollar gift certificate to Star Bucks if you post this on your other parents blog.

I want to watch the other freaky earth mothers flip out:)

Muhahahah — can I borrow: Booyah, motherfuckers?

Christina
14 years ago

Speachless- you are killing me.
Im so glad you called them motherfuckers- that makes me feel, normal.
I took my baby to the Dr today and she asked what brings you here- I said- Hes being a shit, he must be sick. She laughed, he is not sick.

Danielle
14 years ago

It is such a relief to know that my kid is not the only one who expects her mother to know where every little piece of every little toy is, at ANY GIVEN TIME.

Christina
14 years ago

Oy, I am sorry. I hope this improves… AND OMG HOW OFTEN HAVE EVERY PARENT EVER FELT THIS WAY!?!?!?

beach
beach
14 years ago

pissing myself laughing….parenthood can be a bitch sometimes,eh???

Anais
Anais
14 years ago

This is the most hilarious post you’ve ever written to date. “Shit sandwich” is a priceless phrase, that I will now look forward to using.

Naomi the Strange
14 years ago

…. so glad i don’t (and never will) have kids… haha. thanks for reminding me.

andi
14 years ago

Since when did you get so sentimental? ;)

Seriously, laughing my ass off. It’s always funnier when it happens to someone else (sorry).

victoria
victoria
14 years ago

When you thought about what motherhood would be like, did you think its sweetest moments would include triumphs over your children punctuated by cries of “Booyah, motherfuckers!”

Canadian Coco
Canadian Coco
14 years ago

Parenting is so very hard. Understatement of the… ever. Especially these young years. And I know you didn’t mean to call them that. Ok, maybe you did. The reality is that it’s hard. It kind of makes my stomach sink though when I see the kind of commenters you attract on these kinds of posts. I personally think you’re better than that. Sorry if that sounds harsh, and maybe I shouldn’t read here if stuff like that offends me, because I know that that’s what is coming my way. Had to say it though. I really do love your writing, style and honesty though, in general.

Anna
Anna
14 years ago

I worship you.

Stacy
14 years ago

Long time reader, first time commenter. Love your writing! Hi-freakin-larious :-P My reason for finally commenting is to ask about your amazing looking video monitor. I’m thinking that once my 2 year makes the big move to a “big girl bed” that I will NEED to see what in heaven’s name she is doing. Lol. Do you like your video monitor? Are there any cheap ones out there that make it worth it?

Julie
14 years ago

Hahahaha, screw the monthly newsletters. I compose bulletins like this almost HOURLY.

You remain, as ever, awesome.

MRW
MRW
14 years ago

My son is 5 and I still enforce quiet time for an hour on Saturday and Sunday. He has to be in his room and play (relatively) quietly from 1-2 so that I can lie down. I’m wondering when the need for quiet time ends with kids – when they leave home to go to college??

K
K
14 years ago

You know what, Coco, motherhood is monotonous, unglamous and downright hard mixed in with moments of total joy and happiness. If you can’t laugh at the tough stuff, you won’t make it through to the other side where we get to torment them with tales of their childhood to their friends.

Andrea
14 years ago

You rock…hope tomorrow goes better. My best friend called her 3-week-old infant son a jerk yesterday when he would not!stop!crying!

Swistle
14 years ago

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Elizabeth
Elizabeth
14 years ago

I’m with Stacy — would love details on that video monitor. What brand is it? Are you happy with it?

Stephanie
Stephanie
14 years ago

Hell yeah Linda!

skiplovey
14 years ago

LMAO! Girl I feel your pain (and I’ve only got one). Serbia: Outer – tee hee.

Seriously though, the humor makes is that much more bearable. Glad you make is sound so funny.

Kathy
Kathy
14 years ago

Funny… I have a 13 year old and a 16 year old that act the same way. I ask them on a daily basis if they are smokin’ the crack and they are old enough to understand… I think…

Erin
14 years ago

Hilarious. And OH HOW I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

Someday/ some moment soon, they will seem cute again. Amazing but true.

Haley
Haley
14 years ago

Too funny, and I would love you to post this on PD so I can sit back and laugh at the comments.

R
R
14 years ago

Wow. Thought you were funny and acerbic right up until “SIBERIA: OUTER” and calling your kids motherfuckers.

Yes, being a mom is one laugh among hours or crying, screaming, wailing, diaper changes and one-way food fights.

But there’s no excuse–even in jest–to call your children motherfuckers.

Please dont have any more children you can verbally abuse on teh interwebz.

Kym
Kym
14 years ago

THANK YOU SWEET, SWEET LINDA!!! I so needed to read this at this very moment My 3yr old is driving me nut’s lately, and I feel so bad for being “angery mommy”. So thank you!!!

Karl
Karl
14 years ago

R, you might want to just go wring your hands in a corner, and not bother the grownups, OK? Also you might want to find out what abuse really is before you throw that word around so loosely.

Sundry, I got a good laugh out of this one, thanks. Brings back memories. When one of the girls got overtired as a baby, we could hype her up until she cracked and then she went to bed. The other girl was pretty much hopeless sleep-wise, but at least she learned to pad around the house at night quietly without waking anyone.

honeybecke
honeybecke
14 years ago

Hey, Swistle already wrote my EXACT comment.

One more for good measure: HA!

Oh god, one day at a time. That’s how I roll.

I hope those cute little monsters take it easy on you soon!

Jennifer
14 years ago

Hmmm, looks like some of the PD commenters have made their way over here already.

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