To Dylan: If you keep refusing to sleep, even though you are bone-tired and yawning and rubbing your eyes, it will make you act even more horribly than you are, which is pretty fucking horrible. You don’t want to eat, you don’t want to be held, and you sure as shit don’t want to be put down, and the noise spiraling from your cry-hole is making my eardrums bleed. DO NOT LIKE.

To Riley: You know what? When you randomly drop toys all over the house all day long, you are bound to lose something. No, I don’t know where the hell your tiny plastic ladder is, and I’m sorry life has become such a shit sandwich as a result but I am frankly sick and tired of hearing about it. Is it really worth all the screaming? The loud, loud screaming? Your wailing and garment-rending is even more brain-burningly annoying than your brother’s, and I am seriously considering cramming both of you in the outgoing mail with “SIBERIA: OUTER” stamped on your asses.

What time is it? Why, I believe it’s ENFORCED NAPTIME. Booyah, motherfuckers:

videomonitorkids.jpg

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honeybecke
honeybecke
14 years ago

also, where are these trollific commenters coming from? have i missed them in the past on your other HILARIOUS AND TRUTHFUL entries or are they a new and annoying fixture here?

“don’t have any more children to abuse on the internet…”

WTF?!

Tina
Tina
14 years ago

Uh oh. What happens when they stop napping???????????????????????????? Mine did and it’s hell from there on out.

GramaNan
GramaNan
14 years ago

I think Riley’s ladder might just be up Coco or “R”‘s ass! Have someone take a look.
Parenthood is the most difficult thing ever. Having a good laugh about it gets you thorough. Abuse??? WTH??? Save it for someone who really IS abusive.

donna
donna
14 years ago

Good god, when my kids were babies and I took them to the doctor he gave me cough medicine with codeine and told me to give them some when “they are tired and too cranky to sleep”. Although I can’t say it about my kids, I’d bet he saved the lives of other kids. Having kids is hard. And I don’t believe that Linda CALLED her kids motherfuckers, booyah or no, so if they didn’t hear it, it doesn’t count. I did write in my journal that I understood why people locked their kids in the attic, which was found by my ex’s new wife, and used against me in court though, so you know, you might want to delete stuff like that on all y’alls blogs if your marriage is rocky. That’s all I’m sayin. And also, Linda, you rock.

Seattle Suz
14 years ago

I bet Coco and R’s kids are even worse motherfuckers than most- they just have the nards to admit it.
Entries like this are THE reason I’ve been reading this blog since before you even had the boys.

mrsgryphon
mrsgryphon
14 years ago

This is why I love you, Linda… you find a way to say what I’ve been thinking, but so much better than I ever could. No, you’d never say these things to your CHILDREN, but you can certainly say them here, in “your” space and to people who understand that motherhood is damn hard work.

little miss mel
14 years ago

amen, sister, amen.

mine are 3 and 3 weeks. boys too. bite me.

k....
14 years ago

I’ve had a few days like this myself, every Mother does, and if they say other wise well,
liar liar pants on fire…thanks for the honest post :)

All Adither
14 years ago

This is good. So. Very. Very. Good. And True.

Meagan
14 years ago

I’ll bet gypsies are funner than Siberia, though less politically correct. And for all of you suggesting Linda post this on PD… NO. BAD COMMENTERS. :) Anyway, sorry your kids are being pains, hope things calm down soon.

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

Hilarious! I love it! Please write these newsletters more often. (This isn’t Parent Dish, we won’t call the human version of Canine Protective Services.)

P.S. What are those objects in the picture?

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

Oh never mind, I can see they are monitors. Duh.

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

Ok, so I read all the comments and all I can say is R and Coco are to Sundry what Kathy Lee Bitchford was to Dooce yesterday on The Today Show.

Plenty of tight-assed religious freaks who never utter a swear word have abused children horribly over the centuries. Swearing on your blog to let off some steam in adult company doesn’t make a woman a bad mom. So you can climb off your high horse and untwist those granny panties you insist on wearing. Geez Louise, people can be IDIOTS.

Chris
14 years ago

I only can say that if you can enforce naptime on a baby that is as cute as that one in your flickr pictures, you are a better mom than I. I’m afraid I would want to just keep him up and take pictures of him. My God, is that kid cute.

Anonymous
Anonymous
14 years ago

Haha, those “surveillance” images cracked me up. Hard times, sending warm mother’s day wishes your way, in advance.

Eric's Mommy
14 years ago

That…..was……hilarious!!!!!!!!!!

beach
beach
14 years ago

please post this on parent dish…please….it will be so worth it!!!

Jeanette
14 years ago

I hope today is going better for you!

Andrea
14 years ago

Oh my gawd, I’m laughing so hard. I get it, even if some of the others don’t. There are days when yes, the kids CAN be motherfuckers. Like everyone else on the planet. That doesn’t mean we parents can’t try to get a chuckle out of calling them that behind their backs. Most of the time, we wouldn’t. I’ve called mine that, especially on days when it feels as if they’re sucking my soul out through my ears.

Christine
Christine
14 years ago

You rock! This entry is why I effing love you so damn much (in a totally non-stalker way, of course).

Booyah, motherfuckers, indeed! Enforced naptime is everyday at my house…

Sara Moon
14 years ago

This entry officially goes in the Sundry hall of fame.
I am snickering just picturing those monitors with the boys snuggled in their beds for enforced naptime.
We love you Linda. Keep ’em coming.

megan
megan
14 years ago

If I were those kids, I would love it when I grew up and and read that about me. That was the best post ever. I wish I could write shit like that. What parent hasn’t ever felt like that? Awesome Awesome post!!

charing
charing
14 years ago

It’s posts like this one that keep me coming back. I am glad I am not alone.

audrey
audrey
14 years ago

Since it appears as though we’re seeing two sleeping boys on those video screens, I’m thinking that ENFORCED NAPTIME was a must and much-needed activity. Shouldn’t YOU be sleeping, too?

Deanna
Deanna
14 years ago

Riley *stays* in bed?! My 4 yr old plays with every toy and empties every bin in his room – although quietly.

-and I know you didn’t mention it in your blog but .. . did you see Survivor last night?! arghhh!

Deanna
Deanna
14 years ago

also- rockin’ monitors! What brand are thet?

We rigged up a complex video system using old web cams, our wireless router and the varous computers in the house (hubby is a computer guy by trade and we have more computers than people in our house) to keep track of the kids’ rppms and the playset outside.

Kristin
Kristin
14 years ago

Oh nooooo! The grownups are using naughty words!!! :)

Seriously, can’t stop laughing. If Siberia offends everyone, perhaps a more tropical climate? Say, Micronesia? The Australian outback? Zambia?

I heart you, Linda.

Cara
Cara
14 years ago

As the (single) mom of 2 teenagers, I can honestly tell you that “booyah Motherfuckers” is a term you will use more than once…..that being said, it doesn’t make you any less of a good mom than the other couple of “perfect moms” who have left dissenting comments. IF they have never felt like this, then they just aren’t paying attention to their kids or are so liquered/valiumed up that they can’t tell the kids are getting to them!

Bill
Bill
14 years ago

I’m a parent and a grandparent. My daughter is mom to a 7yo stepson and two daughters–15 months apart.

When her older daughter was new, she was constantly holding her–“She’s just so cute, I con’t NOT hold her.” Or, “I just WANT to hold her. There’s no harm in that, is there?” Well, no real HARM-harm–but how annoying can that one be when the little one NEEDS to be held for feeding, or comfort, or ….

I almost exploded my head trying not to laugh out loud. This one needs to be labeled NSFW.

Yeah, I’m sending your link to my daughter. She NEEDS this. ;-)

Beth
14 years ago

You SERIOUSLY need a weekend away with the girls!

Melissa
Melissa
14 years ago

Laughing my ass off – I don’t believe people when they say they never have negative thoughts like this. It has to be great just to get that out.

Fran Garlow
Fran Garlow
14 years ago

Linda, I just left your web-site on another popular blog. She asked for her readers favorites and now I’m thinking that I shouldn’t have done it. I mentioned that you also “keep it real”. Just confessing, here! Sorry!

JennyM
JennyM
14 years ago

Booyah, indeed.

Canadian Coco
Canadian Coco
14 years ago

I’ll just say one last thing before I don’t come back here… I DO know what it’s like to live through tough parenting days, I DO know what it’s like to spew profantity about my children behind their backs. I’m NOT one of ‘those PD commenters’ you’re referring to who attack people constantly. I have a 14 year old son with Tourette’s Syndrome, a 9 year old daughter, a 7 year old son with Tourette Syndrome, and another daughter who is 3. I know about frustating challenging days. I’m not a perfect parent. My kids are FAR from perfect… I admit that more than I’d like to. And yes, I do joke around with my kids constantly… (including, yes, humiliating my teenager in front of his friends with embarrasing stories from toddlerhood). I’m sorry if my comment offended you Linda , but by saying I thought you were ‘better than that’, I meant better than appealing to the type of commenters who say ‘kids suck’ and ‘glad I never had kids’. The Haters. They don’t need encouragement. It’s one thing to mutter things under your breath or vent to your husband/friend etc, but to publicly call your kids motherfuckers is so…. low. I think sometimes we need to remember that we’re raising actual people here, and that their goal in life isn’t to piss us off, well maybe it is, BUT its part of their job description, it’s nothing personal. And part of ours is to suck it up and stop thinking this whole parenting thing is all about us. I alot of people don’t realize this before they become parents… myself included… it took a few kids for it to dawn on me. Kids deserve the our protection & respect despite the fact that they act like little mf’s a lot of the time. But, again, it’s their JOB to be trying out all this crap… and ours to be strong enough not to resort to… the stuff we’re tempted to, but isn’t in our kids’ best interst. But whatever, it’s your site, your kids, and I can tune out, so I will. All the best. Hate on, people.

MRW
MRW
14 years ago

Seriously Sundry, won’t you please consider the people already living in Siberia? There are times when I’m pretty sure the postal service would refuse to deliver my kid anywhere out of compassion for the places I would be attempting to send him.

Heather B.
14 years ago

I would like to be friends with you solely on your usage of “Booyah motherfuckers”.

That note brought a tear to my eye.

Ang
Ang
14 years ago

I would ditto on Heather B’s comment, but I’m afraid of the backlash…. :-)

Vanda
14 years ago

Greetings from across the pond.

OMG, I nearly spit my coffee on the ole lappy. You are so funny. Love your posts and your followers comments.

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

Sanctimonious Coco from Canada: So let me get this straight. You have at least two kids who are guaranteed to be using MF, among other swears, repeatedly and inappropriately throughout their lives and you do not not approve of adults having the occasional black thought about their children. At the same time you admit you think of your kids as motherfuckers periodically. I’m not really seeing the difference between you and the rest of us except that Linda’s honest sharing of motherhood experiences brings relief to others who are in similar circumstances who are at their wits’ end. Whereas you’re repressed and uncomfortable with what’s true and real.

No one here “hates” kids. If the one commenter who doesn’t want kids isn’t having them, well good for her. There’s nothing wrong with that. Plenty of people who shouldn’t have kids pop them (because biology doesn’t care who one’s parents are). Riley and Dylan are lucky to have two conscious responsible loving parents. If I had to be a child all over again and could pick my mom and dad, I’d choose them. Children don’t need people who make demons out of whole cloth…there’s enough real motherfucking shit in the world to have to contend with.

Do yourself and your kids a favour and lighten up.

Liz in Australia
Liz in Australia
14 years ago

I threaten to wrap my kids in a brown paper parcel and post them to Peru. Perhaps that would be less “controversial” than Siberia? Jeepers, some people need to develop a sense of proportion, and possibly remove their heads from their rear ends.

Heather-in-Australia
Heather-in-Australia
14 years ago

Coco, you said “despite he fact that they act like mf’s a lot of the time”. Why is it okay for you to say that but not for Linda to say “booyah, motherfuckers!” ? You are both acknowledging that they can be quite the little motherfuckers indeed: just because you’ve said it within a sermon and Linda has said it within a comedic post does not change that you both have, in fact, said it. So, what’s the big deal?

This is a fucking hilarious post and I can imagine, when my first born arrives in seven weeks or so from now, being overwhelmed with tenderness, love and awe towards her. I already am. No words for it. I can also imagine being so incredibly sleep deprived that – without it diminishing my love for her remotely or my understanding that yes, motherhood is a tough gig at times – my sense of humour will kick in and save my sanity by yelling something very akin to, “booyah, motherfucker!” when I get her to sleep at last.

This all reminds me, I bought her a “Motha Sucka” onesie the other day. Does that make me abusive and disrespectful, too? ;)

squandra
squandra
14 years ago

@ Canadian Coco:

Um, I … I AM glad I never had kids. Can I still be glad Linda did? She seems to like them quite a bit. (I know this because I can take a joke.)

Thanks, Linda, for letting a hater like me hang out — even though my boyfriend and I had the audacity to make the choice that is right for us. I’ll try to grudgingly tolerate your very personal decisions, too! :)

Heather-in-Australia
Heather-in-Australia
14 years ago

Ahem, that should have read “Mutha Sucka” not “Motha Sucka”.

Heh :).

Amy
Amy
14 years ago

“cry-hole” – heh

lucidkim
lucidkim
14 years ago

I never cussed before I had kids. Now I can make a sailor blush – it’s a good stress reliever.

My parents and down the road – stepfather – were all very ‘good parents’ by the book – no cussing, no drinking, always in control of the kids – expected and got from the kids: no acting out in public, no talking back – I could go on but you get the idea. On the other hand I found their parenting selfish and cold and shallow and abusive in a way that no social worker could ever have noticed. Coco and R would have found them delightful parents – as all people looking from the outside in always did.

I prefer honesty – and having the connection with your kids to feel that level of stress. When you are busy looking like the good parent all the time and making that your goal and focus, you likely aren’t engaged enough with your children for them to bring out anger management issues, I guess.

kim

Having someone who acknowledges that parenting isn’t a soft focus bed of roses in a funny and honest way is refreshing to me.

Kristi
14 years ago

hahahahahahahahahaha!!!

I have SOOOOO been in that SUCK! If I had read that post on a day of my SUCK I would have laughed my ass off whilst downing my wine.

HAY-FUCKIN-SOOS Coco – take a chill!

Emerald
14 years ago

Awww. Okay, I had to stop by to tell you that I met the love of my life via blogging, and he’s an avid reader of yours! (Josh at sprintingtohell.wordpress.com) So natch, I am now an avid reader also! We’re getting all up in the kids-in-a-few-years idea, and my god you’re an inspiration. I think we’ll both be scrolling your pages for advice when we can’t shut the cryholes ourselves :P

crazykay66
crazykay66
14 years ago

Oh, I love this. If this is not the truth from a woman who has just ‘had it’, then I don’t know what is. I laughed so hard and can relate so much.

I love the cynacism – keep it coming.

Kp