I am getting old and cranky, which I suppose is mildly better than old and gaseous like our aging Lab, but now that I think about it I sit around ripping enormous farts delicate emissions every single goddamned time I eat cherries (WTF, cherries? What are they made out of, PURE METHANE?) these days, so great, I’m old and gassy AND cranky. You kids get off my lawn afore I blast you out with mah rump-trumpet.

ANYWAY. I’ve noticed that I am increasingly irritated by certain terms, which are perfectly benign when taken out of Annoying Person context, but once they’re wielded like a self-righteous lightsaber formed entirely of catshit, they’re damn near intolerable. For instance: vegan, organic, attachment.

Hey, I’m all for saving the earth. I like the earth, I totally live here and everything. I think people are awesome for deciding not to eat animals and choosing to use natural cleaning products and reducing their carbon footprints and happily wearing children strapped to their bodies 24/7, I really do.

BUT. If you decide it’s your holy right to give me a raft of crap for using paper towels or putting my kids in their own rooms to sleep or not wetting my pants over ingredient lists or eating a turkey burger, I swear it makes me want to cram a child-labor-produced formaldehyde off-gassing BPA-loaded cow-torturing environmentally-unfriendly bottle-feeding SUV right in your pious piehole.

(And by you I don’t mean you, duh. YOU are super. Are you doing something different with your ass? Because it’s looking so . . . so buoyant. Can I grab it, just a little? Just cup a cheek? One cheek?)

I think some of us are just getting a little hysterical. Seriously, when did admitting that you use fabric softener become a confession on par with “Oh, when I’m not performing unwanted sex acts on minors, I’m usually, you know, clubbing Harbor seal pups or defecating on religious artifacts”? It’s LAUNDRY. SHUT UP. If you’re running your yap in order to criticize, shut it UP about your bicycle, your Starbucks ban, your devotion to raw foods, your aversion to all chemicals, your intolerance for formula feeding, and your sustainably-harvested hand-woven baby sling.

Whew. See? Old, cranky. Someone pass the caffeinated phosporic acid. Also: Gas-X.

Comments

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
149 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
JennyM
JennyM
14 years ago

Earth Stewards?

the goddess anna
14 years ago

Frakking awesome post! I’m right there with you on both the annoying self-rightious tools and the gas. Own the gas – much more fun that way. : )

Tracy
14 years ago

I *heart* this post. And I don’t *heart* much. Well, except for the trans-fat laden, animal-killin’ buscuits and gravy I made this morning. I *heart* that too.

(And I drained the sausage on paper towels, too. Shhhh.)

Ashleas
Ashleas
14 years ago

Ya know.. if it didn’t COST ME MONEY TO RECYCLE.. I’d totally do it. But.. garbage pickup is CHEAPER and I’m a poor college student! A poor ART college student at that!

Also. CHICKEN. om nom nom nom!

Kelli
Kelli
14 years ago

Best rant ever.

nonsoccermom
14 years ago

I totally and completely agree. I do what I can to be green but am rather sick of being preached to all the time. Fortunately, here in Texas it is far less of an issue than it was when I lived in Colorado.

bad penguin
14 years ago

Wait, what’s wrong with fabric softener? I’m not giving that up.

Jolie
14 years ago

Total jerks over at the buzz. Somebody said it well over there when they said how annoying it is when people come to sites on their own accord and then find nothing to do but complain. GO AWAY THEN!

And don’t worry. Not all environment freaks and vegetarians are assholes. My sister and I are both of the above and clearly still TOTALLY AWESOME.

Jolie
14 years ago

I thought about adding, HOW YOU LIKE MAH DICK NOW.
but then I didn’t.
but then I just did.

Joy
Joy
14 years ago

I have neighbors that fit your rant! They preach, preach, preach all day long. Everything to them must be organic, fair trade, anti-corporate and from the earth. They seem to forget all of that when they drive their van back and forth to their business two blocks away about 20 times a day. Seems a little – do as I say, not as I do! That is the worst kind of Green Meanie.

Claire
14 years ago

yeah, totally on board with the cranky. So sick of all the debates: CIO, organic, etc etc. It’s so old!

diane
diane
14 years ago

How do I love thee, Let me count the ways…

rump-trumpet…awesome!

Sharon
Sharon
14 years ago

I love this rant! I wish I could put it so eloquently… will you marry me? :D

superblondgirl
14 years ago

Honestly, sometimes I annoy MYSELF with the whole “oh, whole grains! No HFCS! blah blah blah I’m too good to eat x, y, and z” hypocrisy. Because then I go and cram myself with Starbucks and chocolate croissants and many, many Fla-Vor-Ices. Sometimes, I tell myself to shut up, lug around my stupid green bags, and stop hating on the plastic users and the people with carts full of Doritos and Coke. Hell, self, you LIKE Doritos and Coke sometimes, you’re just jealous that you don’t let yourself have them.
Also, my ass is so un-bouyant, unless we are talking about floating fat. But thanks for the compliment, anyway. Now I feel sort of sexy in these jeans. Boo-yah for generic internet compliments!!

ang
ang
14 years ago

Okay, I totally relate to your rant. I’m sick of the sanctimonious high-horse riding smug fuckers that shove their organic stuff in your face. That being said, I DO nag my friends to recycle. But, if you saw the freakishly large amounts of beer cans they throw in the trash, then I’m sure I’d be forgiven.

But, what IS wrong with fabric softener?

pam
pam
14 years ago

heh. awesome. i luv you.

megan
megan
14 years ago

if i have to live in a world where i can’t use my lavender vanilla fabric softener on my sheets and towels, well then shoot me now. because i can’t. that stuff is sinful. and i use more than you should just because i love the smell so much. so there. am truly horrible person.

did i mention i use plastic ziploc bags way more than a person should? am littering environment with tons of plastic just because its easier to marinate food (and clean up) in a big ziploc bag.

i do recycle whatever possible though. however, i find it incredibly annoying that my town is too cheap to consider anything other than #1 or #2 plastic recyclable (when so much is #5, and the next town will pick that up) and god forbid you fold up a diet coke carton for recycling – they won’t take it. its not CORRUGATED cardboard.

the hell? and thus ends my rant.

linda you can cup a cheek anytime. especially if i can return the favor!

Sarah
Sarah
14 years ago

So funny, and so right – everyone has an opinion on everything, yes? We can’t do a thing these days without it offending someone.

We ‘co-sleep’ but it isn’t due to any particular attachment to attachment parenting (heh) – it just sort of happened like that, and it works. But whereas you feel criticized for not doing that, I rarely tell anyone that’s what we do, because *weird* (I admit, I thought that too, until it happened to me!). So yeah, we can’t do anything right these days.

I got the Shred DVD from the library – must try it soon!

monkey mcwearingchaps
14 years ago

I’ll one-up you. I’m going to Belize in Jan and taking 100% DEET repellant. If any dumbass tries to tell me to take SkinSoSoft to ward off sand flies that carry leishmaniasis, I’m going to lose it. I’d like to come back with my face intact.

I buy organic eggs, though. So does that give me an offset?

Tara
Tara
14 years ago

LOVED this post. I mean, I do what I can, but I sure don’t think I’m in a position to bash other people for not being “green” enough, and I don’t want anyone else judging me for doing what works for me rather than turning my whole life upside down.

Thanks for the cheek-cup, by the way. You made my morning. But beware, as this rump-trumpet goes off without warning sometimes.

warcrygirl
14 years ago

Fabric softener? WTF is wrong with fabric softener???? I’m doing the reusable grocery bags and am getting ready to knit my own produce bags but I’m not about to lecture other people about it. I explain to people that I’m trying to reduce my plastic consumption, not save the world singlehandedly.

Feel free to cop a cyber-feel but I’m afraid the last thing my ass would be described as is ‘buoyant’. Hope you like soft and mushy!

christina
christina
14 years ago

Amen, sistah!

Jennie C.
14 years ago

OK, you know how when women live together their monthly cycles start getting synchronized. Well, now I’m wondering if it happens to women who blog together? ‘Cause I was SO dang cranky yesterday, too.

Valria
14 years ago

Linda Linda Linda. I am even more in love with you now. I’ll just say Amen Sista!!!

I’ll live my life, don’t judge me and you live yours and hey I wont judge you.

Bring that gassy Lab over here for a visit anytime. We love DOG too.

silene
14 years ago

Hahahaha…I read the infamous post the day after taking my son to his 1 month checkup, where the pediatrician went on a wee rant about…fabric softener! It’s a hot topic. Actually, we have stopped using fabric softener because for whatever reason after my C-section, it started to give me a rash. So, you know, in that case, I would say fabric softener is bad! Because rashes are annoying. But otherwise? Eh. Your call.

Of course, I am not a reliable source on the evils of CHEMICALS!! Sure, I’m a smug liberal elitist who drives a Prius and buys organic milk. But, I’m married to a guy who makes his living selling CHEMICALS to golf courses. Eeeevil! Horrible! Now I’m ashamed. heh.

alina
alina
14 years ago

Ok, I use paper towels and I’m afraid I’m addicted to ziplock baggies, but I don’t use fabric softeners because I don’t like how my clothes feel after using them…stopped using them a few years back. But I’ve never used them on my sheets and towels, because of how they work. Fabric softeners work by coating the fibers of the fabric, which makes them less absorbent, which (call me crazy) I don’t like in my bath and hand towels. I make them smell nice in other ways. :)

g~
g~
14 years ago

I would like to see someone hardcore enough to shun toilet paper. The hand is MUCH more environmentally correct, no?
Or cease with the tampons.
Or refuse to use a tissue.

g~

Blythe
14 years ago

INDEED.
Having just returned to the USA from living elsewhere, I feel like that’s the biggest difference from when I left three years ago. Not only is everything GREEN GREEN GREEN but the greenness, it must be advertised and championed, and talked about, and trumpeted. There are worse things to get excited about, I guess, but can’t everyone just relax a little, and use their Method cleaning products in peace?

Jess
14 years ago

HAAA! HA HAA HA HAA! And snort. Love it. Amen.

anna
14 years ago

Umm, yeah, I have the same problems with cherries. I just don’t eat them anymore. It’s that bad.

And yeah, all of these people who are on these self-righteous bandwagons drive me nuts, too. Especially since these methods of living–attachment parenting, in particular–have their own sets of problems as well. When did it become so passe to live and let live?

JMH
JMH
14 years ago

This post makes me want to marry you….:)

AmyQ
14 years ago

this, this post is why I love you.

Dawn
Dawn
14 years ago

Christ. I bet you thought you left this crap behind with PD.

babelbabe
babelbabe
14 years ago

i can’t use fabric softener, it makes me sneeze, but I wholeheartedly support everyone else’s right to do so.

because I? Refuse to use cloth diapers. I breastfeed, so i figure it’s a roughly even swap. when i think about it at all.

Nann
14 years ago

Loved it! Forwarding it to everyone. Even the greenies in my circle. Hee hee.

Kristin
Kristin
14 years ago

I love you Linda. Grab my ass! :)

A confession: I hate the CFL lightbulbs. Hate them. They are UGLY. The light is UGLY. You cannot SEE to READ by them. I am sticking with my energy-sucking, seal-clubbing, non-organic regular old lightbulbs. And I don’t feel guilty about this.

leanne
14 years ago

People love Method products. Method makes fabric softener. Therefore, fabric softener is okay. I admit I have been brainwashed by Method, but they have cute packaging so I don’t care.

Also, I don’t trust people who won’t eat bacon. There’s something fundamentally wrong with that.

Amber S
Amber S
14 years ago

I was just telling my boyfriend how annoying the term green is to me! The concept is not new in this area. Curbside recycling bins have been her since the 1980’s and Freddie’s has had a “natural” section since the beginning of time! Shoot, I’m 30 and I wore cloth diapers and drank out of glass bottles when I was a baby, but you don’t hear my parents running around telling everyone how they were trying to be green when they were raising me.

Mostly my annoyance comes from people who throw the term green around in conversation i.e. “We drive the car to work instead of the Suburban because it’s greener.” I call bullshit. You drive the car not because it’s greener but because 28mpg is better than 8mpg! You’re calling it green because of all the tv commercials you’ve seen that tell you how awesome it is to be green! It’s like they have this irritating caption floating above there heads saying “Hi! I’ve recently been marketed to and I no longer think for myself.” URRRRG!

Soooorrrry… guess I’m cranky, needed to rant too but have no blog of my own! Thanks for not laughing and telling me I’m cute when I’m all riled up like my boyfriend did!

Oh, and p.s., sorry about my punctuation. Run on’s and extra commas are my friends!

cbrks12
cbrks12
14 years ago

My God, I friggin’ love you…and yes, you may cup one cheek… :)

Gentry
14 years ago

I don’t get it! Why is fabric softener bad for the environment?!

I’m so behind on this “going green/carbon footprint” thing because here in Paris, it’s ok to litter. Especially motorcycles and bicyles into the Seine (I’m not kidding).

We recycle our wine bottles, though. (By using them as clubs for the harp seal overpopulation).

Here’s an evil industry secret: a lifetime of fabric softener use dosesn’t come close to the toxic runoff from fabric dye. The minute hemp (or any fabric) is bleached and then dyed anything other than it’s natural mud color, your head would swim at the amount of toxins it took to get that pretty color of blue.

So now you know: colored cloth = *really* bad for the environment.

And yes, black is the worst.

Laura
Laura
14 years ago

A-fucking-men. Militancy in any form makes me crazy. I hope I didn’t just contradict myself there. Look, I have enough trouble taking care of my own life that it never occured to me to care about the minutae in the lives of others.

MichelleH
MichelleH
14 years ago

Ok, after reading this post I had to go check out what provoked this and yeeeks…!! How could such a seemingly benign piece of advice about making sheets softer provoke such hostile, accusatory responses??? Green or not, vegan or not vegan…whatever- that is just stupid. If you don’t like fabric softener don’t use it. Team Linda!

georgia
14 years ago

My very favorite of the “I’m better than you are because I care about sustainability” is the whole hybrid car thing. Did you know that building a brand new car makes so much more emissions and uses up so much more energy and materials than just buying a damn used car?! It’s so stupid. The worst part is, I so badly want to point this out to people who drive those hybrids, but then I would just be the equivalent of them…all sanctimonious in their “greenness”. Instead I just eat a Big Mac at them.

Dad Gone Mad
14 years ago

Simmer down, grandma. You’re liable to fall and break your hip.

Andrea
14 years ago

Werd. All of it. I’m stealing rump-trumpet. You can feel both cheeks, woman, but only if I can feel yours, too.

silene
14 years ago

Hey, not all hybrid car drivers are sanctimonious! Some of us are just dorks. *grin*

The thing about the “green” movement that drives me mad is that common sense dictates that NOBODY is going to be perfect. Some people are going to drive SUVS, some are going to eat meat, some are going to use fabric softener *snerk*. And even the most hardcore vegan bike-to-work person is consuming something. But I think most people are making at least some changes for the better, and no matter how small, those changes do count. The problem is all this judgmentalism does way more harm than good.
It’s kind of like the “mommy wars”, in a way–we are all in this together, so how about being supportive and kind for a change?

Cara
14 years ago

Loved this post! My husband says I have “Easily Irritated Syndrome” these days because shit like this gets me all worked up.

I do what I can too, but there are some things I cannot help. I have to drive a *gulp* minivan because I have 2 kids in carseats and a tall 16 year old so I have to have that 3rd row of seating. At least I got a Toyota so it’s more efficient, but STILL.

I used to hang my laundry out to dry, but the neighborhood we live in now doesn’t allow it. WTF?

I recycle everything that we can – even though our city only picks up aluminum, clear glass, paper and #1 and #2 plastic. Everything else I take to a specialty recycling center.

I don’t buy organic stuff because I simply cannot afford it. But I don’t eat meat very often, and even then it’s usually just chicken.

I use as many homemade cleaning products as I can as long as they do the job. I use regular laundry soap and fabric softener because they WORK BETTER.

There is little else more irritating than self-righteous people who think that what you’re doing is just not good enough. And there are a shit ton of people like that in Austin.

Danielle-lee
14 years ago

omg. killing me! Cherries do it to you? It’s Kashi for me! Kashi cookies and cereal. Shit, I just WALK BY THE PANTRY and I’m letting off delicate emissions!! Awful.
LMAO! I too get sick of people throwing guilt my way because I am not COMPLETELY GREEN or COMPLETELY ORGANIC. I’m doing what I can, people. Lay off!!

annie
14 years ago

i do most of those things but i effing HATE when people talk about it like they are god. AND then they tell you how to live your life?!
its just like anything really. you do your thing and i will do mine. the real problem is the self righteous part of a do-gooder.
love annie

Katherine
Katherine
14 years ago

Okay, I love this post–I love all your writing. But just to play devil’s advocate for a moment, I wonder how many times the suffragists and abolitionists were told to shut their pious pie holes? Yes, it’s annoying to have others’ opinions thrust upon you. At the same time, every movement needs a mouthpiece (or several million). And you do set yourself up a teensy bit by putting your opinions out on the internet for all to see and applaud or spit all over. People should play nice and use words constructively, but we all know they don’t (even you don’t sometimes–shocking!). So glory in your moment of crabbiness–everyone gets to have them. Then get over your bouyant ass and join the damn movement of your choice.