I am getting old and cranky, which I suppose is mildly better than old and gaseous like our aging Lab, but now that I think about it I sit around ripping enormous farts delicate emissions every single goddamned time I eat cherries (WTF, cherries? What are they made out of, PURE METHANE?) these days, so great, I’m old and gassy AND cranky. You kids get off my lawn afore I blast you out with mah rump-trumpet.

ANYWAY. I’ve noticed that I am increasingly irritated by certain terms, which are perfectly benign when taken out of Annoying Person context, but once they’re wielded like a self-righteous lightsaber formed entirely of catshit, they’re damn near intolerable. For instance: vegan, organic, attachment.

Hey, I’m all for saving the earth. I like the earth, I totally live here and everything. I think people are awesome for deciding not to eat animals and choosing to use natural cleaning products and reducing their carbon footprints and happily wearing children strapped to their bodies 24/7, I really do.

BUT. If you decide it’s your holy right to give me a raft of crap for using paper towels or putting my kids in their own rooms to sleep or not wetting my pants over ingredient lists or eating a turkey burger, I swear it makes me want to cram a child-labor-produced formaldehyde off-gassing BPA-loaded cow-torturing environmentally-unfriendly bottle-feeding SUV right in your pious piehole.

(And by you I don’t mean you, duh. YOU are super. Are you doing something different with your ass? Because it’s looking so . . . so buoyant. Can I grab it, just a little? Just cup a cheek? One cheek?)

I think some of us are just getting a little hysterical. Seriously, when did admitting that you use fabric softener become a confession on par with “Oh, when I’m not performing unwanted sex acts on minors, I’m usually, you know, clubbing Harbor seal pups or defecating on religious artifacts”? It’s LAUNDRY. SHUT UP. If you’re running your yap in order to criticize, shut it UP about your bicycle, your Starbucks ban, your devotion to raw foods, your aversion to all chemicals, your intolerance for formula feeding, and your sustainably-harvested hand-woven baby sling.

Whew. See? Old, cranky. Someone pass the caffeinated phosporic acid. Also: Gas-X.

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Delia
14 years ago

Thank you. If I have to hear “going green” one more time, I might stab myself in the ears. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with it, just shut the fuck up about it already.

Janet Powell
Janet Powell
14 years ago

Wow. Interesting adjectives
and interesting perspective

Fabric softener set this off?
You better stop using that stuff.

;-)

Connie
Connie
14 years ago

Oh my– is the Gas making you cranky? I am with you, sister, but goodness something set you off.

Jess
Jess
14 years ago

Could you please come up here and be a key note speaker? I am banished because I dont use cloth diapers…….

Cari
Cari
14 years ago

I totally agree with all of this.
My favorite part though? “You kids get off my lawn afore I blast you out with mah rump-trumpet.”
Awesome.

Undomestic Diva
14 years ago

I love the new one about using GLASS baby bottles instead of plastic ones which are now part of the Bad List. Because having a baby rolling around in shards of glass is less dangerous than the chemicals used to make plastic bottles? Hmm.

Ginger
Ginger
14 years ago

Wow, did you just cop a cyber feel? I think I kind of liked it.

justmouse/chaosmomm
justmouse/chaosmomm
14 years ago

ok, now i’m totally paranoid that by “YOU” you really did mean ME, cuz i sent you a link for a blueberry shortcake that was totally *VEGAN*. hehehe. but really…is my ass looking more boyant? really…? cuz you know..i’ve been walking more, and these ARE smaller jeans….

sas
sas
14 years ago

Organic, vegan, cloth nappy wearing, recycleable, right-on, planet lovers = smug bastards.

Liz
Liz
14 years ago

Wow, and this wasn’t even on PD! :-D

Becca
14 years ago

Hahahaha! I love your rants! The funniest part about it is that your not old and cranky, you are liberated and capable of saying what so many of us would like to. Of course your rants have a certain level of eloquence that the general public is unable to attain! *Jealous I am* I am giggling over “You kids get off my lawn afore I blast you out with mah rump-trumpet.” I will be quoting you for weeks!

Julia
Julia
14 years ago

Okay, I have to say, your fourth paragraph might be the best paragraph you’ve ever written. AMEN, SISTAH.

Trina
Trina
14 years ago

AMEN sister!!!!

Lara
14 years ago

Your comments on your Sundry Buzz post cracked me up. Out loud, even.

Maybe I’ll forward this post next time they spout the vegan organic glass bottle ride my bike to work so I’m better than you guilt trip(I’d love to ride my bike to work – I live too damn far away).

Look – I have jumped on the re-usable grocery bag bandwagon, I recycle, I use Method products etc and so on. But I’m totally OK with the fact that I don’t MAKE and WASH and RE-USE my own sanitary pads, so please shut it.

My standard line (apologies to the non-obnoxious vegetarian/vegans): You tell me what else [your god of choice] put chickens on this earth for other than for me to put in my belleh, and we’ll talk.

No, actually we won’t. I eat meat. You don’t. To each their own, tra la la.

Lara
14 years ago

ps, apparently I have joined you in Old and Cranky land.

Kristi
14 years ago

I think it’s much worse for us living out here on the Coast-Of-Moral-Platitudes. If we don’t focus on how to be THE BEST Earth Stewards (loathe that term) we might go insane contemplating all the faultlines, volcanoes and potential tsunamis!

I will give up my fabric softener over my dead, fresh-smelling body. Love this post – you rock!

Elizabeth
14 years ago

Seriously, if I never hear anything about going green again for as long as I live it will be too soon. What the heck am I supposed to use to clean up cat hork, I ask you? Washable hemp towels? Oh hells no. Just no.

Ashley
14 years ago

I figure it is the quest for immortality, if you don’t use fabric softener you WILL live forever, true fact.

Kate
14 years ago

It always amazes me the people that are up on their high horse always yap the loudest and try the hardest to convince you that THEY.ARE.RIGHT.DAMNIT.

If the “rest” of us ranted as loudly as the “do-gooders”? Holy moly Batman. We’d be stoned.

april
14 years ago

whoa! wait! explain to me how having your kids sleep in seperate rooms is bad? that’s a bit much, folks!

Angella
14 years ago

I use fabric softener. I eat meat. I have a COSTCO PACK OF PAPER TOWELS.

I’m a rebel without a cause, apparently.

Suze
Suze
14 years ago

I recently received a misdirected e-mail that was, of all things, a wedding invitation. (I get mail in my gmail account all the time that is meant for someone else.) I don’t know what was up my butt that day, but it struck me as extremely tacky to e-mail your wedding invitations. So, I typed back a snarky reply to the soon-to-be bride. And she wrote back to say that it was just part of their effort to have a “green” wedding. Oh, god. Their wedding Web site has an entire list of things they are doing for their wedding that are designed to save the planet. How about starting with not having a wedding?

KJ
KJ
14 years ago

I’m holding my sides, I’m laughing so hard. Your rage mirrors my own and I love it. Thank you so much, m’lady. You rock.

Stacy
Stacy
14 years ago

Amen. And that mention of “unwanted sex acts on minors” is totally going to get you some GREAT hits. Eeek! Good thing though, THEY won’t give a rats ass about earth-saving or BPA-free or laundry.

Catherine
14 years ago

how am I supposed to hang my clothes on my green clothesline without fabric softener? I guess I’ll go back clubbing seals.

SaturnCat
14 years ago

Thank you, so much, for writing this, Linda. I needed the laughs, and it’s all so true. I try to be as green as possible, but I can do without the judging, thank you.

Michelle
Michelle
14 years ago

Yikes!! This post makes me feel bad even with the “You” disclaimer. I hope I am never pushy with people, but I do like to share info on cloth diapering with others if they notice my daughter wearing them. I think that most people don’t realize how easy they are.

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

Have the Stepford Zombies from Parent Dish taken to following you around on the Intertubes or something?

Paper towels are recyclable so what’s the beef?

My one big downfall, environmentally, is using Huggies/Pampers wipes for myself. They are much cheaper than the brand made specifically for women (which cost an arm and a leg more); but they aren’t biodegradable apparently, so my bad, but I seem to be addicted and can’t imagine not using them now.

Btw, off topic but since so many readers like Jillian’s 30 Day Shred, I thought I’d pass along that her book “Making the Cut” (which I borrowed from the public library) is easy to follow and, unlike a lot of similar books, cuts right to the chase. She doesn’t have a one meal plan fits all approach but puts the reader through a quiz to determine what composition/proportion of fats, lean proteins, and carbs are suitable for your body type. The results for me are bang on and I’m having no trouble sticking to them. I’m also not craving the fat-making foods and I’m never hungry. She provides recipes, lists of foods to buy and avoid, and meal plans. The book is designed for those who are having trouble shedding that last 5-10 lbs (i.e. they’ve plateaued) or a person who has up to 20 lbs to lose and wants results in 30 days. I’ve been on the “program” since last Wednesday and have lost 4.2 lbs already. I’m also exercising every day (every second day I do her Shred routine). I’ve noticed a big difference in my body shape and energy levels already so just thought I’d pass that along.

The book also has a section for those who are in great shape but want to get even more “cut”.

Calorie counting is involved as is tracking proportions of fat/protein/carbs. This can be a pain but fitday.com – a free tool – does it for you. I use it to log my foods and it calculates the proportions and the calories. It also allows you to record your activities, your BMR, your weight changes, and a whole lot of other stuff, and provides reports comparing calories in, calories burned etc.

(Linda, if you’d rather me not post this info on your blog, which is admittedly off topic, let me know. I’d completely understand…just thought I’d follow up on earlier threads where the Shred was mentioned. I’m not a rep or a marketing person…note: I did not buy the book! :)

Caleal
14 years ago

I would be a vegetarian, but bacon is delicious.

I would use all natural cleaning products, but bleach works best.

I pretty much only do the things that take the least amount of effort on my part (reusable grocery bags, those damn twirly light bulbs) and cut my losses on the rest.

And if I ever have babies… I’ll bottle feed and not use cloth diapers… shhhh… don’t tell.

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

oh yeah, and can I just put a plug in for the lavendar-vanilla scented fabric softener cuz that’s my favourite. mmmmmmmmm.

Allison
Allison
14 years ago

Totally get you. . .you see this is why I hate it when people won’t shut up with the preachy preachy. I AM somebody that’s trying to live as organically and sustainably and concientiously as possible but I think the reason that a shitload of people say “to hell with it” is that you can’t win for losing. No matter what you do it isn’t good enough for “those green people” I think, we have to be able to feel good about what we CAN do instead of constantly getting shit rammed down our throats about what we aren’t doing yet.

btw. . . they make some damn good fabric softner without petroleum so whoever let that one rip can just go be self rightious somewhere else!

Sara
Sara
14 years ago

If you want to get really cranky, read The World Without Us. Actually don’t. Ill sum it up for you: By nature of nothing more than our very existence on this earth, human beings are responsible for every shitty thing that has ever happened to it. Since our first great great great great grand uncle monkey hopped out out of the trees and hunted the first mega mammal, we are responsible… so go ahead and use your fabric softener, we’ve been fucked for millions of years.

Liz in Australia
Liz in Australia
14 years ago

Hey wait, and I haven’t even posted here for yonks! ;)

The worst thing about being vegan wasn’t even not being able to eat cheese, it was definitely Other Vegans. Self-righteousness is Bad, even if you are saving the animals. Just shut up and stop making me embarrassed by association to admit why I don’t eat animal products.

I breastfeed and babywear and co-sleep and use cloth nappies (and don’t use fabric softener when I wash them), and I still like reading your blog.

Jennifer
Jennifer
14 years ago

Right on!!

The world could do with a little less judgment, especially when it is over something like paper towels or fabric softener.

I just want to scream, “Wake up, people!”

Anonymous
Anonymous
14 years ago

Wow, where are these Green Crusaders in my city? I can’t even recycle here without having to drive to the recycling center, which probably isn’t worth it considering the gas burned. Send them Green Meanies my way!

Kristin
14 years ago

Oh God. I’m kind of everything you hate, except I don’t mind fabric softener, so maybe that explains why we get along so well. :-)

Mama Ritchie
14 years ago

AMEN! And another thing – Michael Phelps can go away anytime now.

Man, that feels GOOD!

Angharad
Angharad
14 years ago

Dude, that ain’t cranky – that’s the behaviour of a normal adult happy with their own choices ;-)

On a slightly related note: don’t know if this particular range of fabric conditioners is available on your side of the Atlantic but what kind of synesthetic marketing campaign came up with Lenor’s Infusion range? Black diamond? Ruby? WTF?

Gillian
14 years ago

Hahaha, please avoid my blog! Attachment parent! Vegetarian (and baby is an organic vegan)! Totally eco-friendly (cloth diapering, anti-plastic, elimination communication, all natural cleaning products, no dryer sheets etc etc etc)! And worse- owner of an eco-friendly SLING company! I’m surprised you were able to bring yourself to continue the CIO conversation over at my blog. ;)

Zoot
14 years ago

Yes. Amen. I agree. Ditto. What she said.

The Green Trolls (hee! Get it?) are more obnoxious on the internet than the Militant Nursing Advocates. And that says a lot.

Swistle
14 years ago

Hee! Yes. Also: I AM STILL USING PLASTIC IN MY HOUSEHOLD! Yes! Even for CHILDREN’S DISHES! Yes! Call protective services!

Christine
Christine
14 years ago

“I swear it makes me want to cram a child-labor-produced formaldehyde off-gassing BPA-loaded cow-torturing environmentally-unfriendly bottle-feeding SUV right in your pious piehole.”

This may be the best thing you have ever written.

I love you and I am totally going to grab your ass if I ever get to the Seattle area.

T
T
14 years ago

You can totally grab my ass but I’ll warn ya, I’m single and a bit starved for attention. ;)

Kim
Kim
14 years ago

This post made me so happy. Ever since Al (I invented the internet) Gore started in with the global warming crap (which has since been proven to be a total load of bull), people have gone cuckoo for cocoa puffs. I love the earth too, but all this is is a fad that’s easy to jump on and say a few key words that make you sound hip and with it. It makes me want to turn on every light in the house, but I don’t want my electric bill to be any higher.

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
14 years ago

Oh god I needed that this morning! So funny!!

Fiona Picklebottom
14 years ago

Loved this!

Kendra
Kendra
14 years ago

Amen, sistah. These must be the same Militant Moms who shove cloth-diapering and breast-feeding till the kid can string whole sentences together down everyone’s throat.

You know, I love the internet, I really do — but sometimes it just seems like one gigantic forum for holier-than-thou assholes.

Lauren
Lauren
14 years ago

Oh THANK YOU! Thank you thank you thank you. I am currently forwarding this to pretty much everyone I know.

Sabine
14 years ago

I so want to make out with you right now. I’ve been reading you for many years, and I must say this is probably one of my favorite posts of all time. Of course, being a petroleum geologist, you can just *imagine* how much crap I get.

PS – Finally got my 30 Day Shred, did it last night (honestly thinking to myself that I am in such great shape a 20 minute workout of ANY kind would be cake HAHAHA), HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I AM IN PAIN.

Laura
Laura
14 years ago

Linda,
I love you more than ever! Rump trumpet…Bwah!

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