Okay! Let’s move on from that foamy-mouthed business I posted yesterday, clearly I had a giant organic-tofu-stick crammed up my ass. If you’re still kind of pissed at me, please enjoy this proof that I have basically always been a total fucking goober. I was looking through some old photo albums today, and decided to capture a few of the more memorable images:


bks_susp.jpg
Here I am as a wee kidlet, and while I don’t think I was quite as consistently suspicious as Riley was/is, apparently I had my moments.


bks_cake.jpg
Not a bad looking kid overall, though, if I do say so myself. Look at that precocious 3-year-old, lording over her . . . uh, cake. Her cake festooned with — are those cat turds? Is that a cat turd cake? Or . . Vienna sausages? Okay, I’m pretty sure my mom wouldn’t have . . . MOM WHAT ARE THOSE BROWN THINGS OH MY GOD.


bks_rnbowneck.jpg
A little bit older here, and still fairly cute, if you forgive the insipid head tilt and . . . wow, rainbow heart necklace. Groovy.


bks_ballerina.jpg
Aw, look at the little ballerina! It’s adorable and nauseating, all at the same time.


bks_withcat.jpg
HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA. Oh god. Sorry, Cat of My Youth. Sorry. Jesus.


bks_schoolpicglasses.jpg
And — oh. Oh dear. Well, we’ve really started to slide off the rails here, haven’t we? The glasses, the hair, the blouse, the . . . the TEETH.


bks_stripedsocks.jpg
Yes. Yes indeedy. Socks, shoes, shorts, shirt, visor. VISOR. SOCKS. VISOR. Yes. Ahem.


bks_glasses.jpg
Say, why don’t we really take a GOOD look at those glasses. What are they, five, six inches thick?


bks_teeth.jpg
Well thank god, we’ve moved on to the Era of Contacts, but sadly this is still preceding the In-Depth Headgear/Braces/Palatal Spreading Device/Tooth Extraction/Retainer Years. What a grill. Also, Eugene Levy called, he wants his eyebrows back.


bks_gymn.jpg
Ah, the dorkily earnest gymnastics-themed photo. Xaaaaanaaduuuuuuuu…


bks_hair.jpg
Big hair, big earrings, denim jacket . . . ladies and gentlemen, the 80’s! I’m sure my ESPRIT bag was nearby.


bks_fresh.jpg
Fast-forward a few years to my freshman year in high school, where apparently I strived for sort of a . . what, Flock of Seagulls vibe? I bet that hairdo took about a can of Aqua Net every day.


bks_year.jpg
Please also enjoy the yearbook message written by the boy I had the WORST crush on. I remember I about peed my acid-wash pants when I saw the “hint, hint” part of his note. He was totally into the Punisher, CAN YOU TELL.


bks_longhair.jpg
More years down the road, I think I was maybe 20 here. I was coming out of my goth phase in bits and pieces: still surly, still addicted to unflattering red lipstick, still dyeing my (ohmygodLONG) hair, but obviously was willing to forgo the standard black uniform for a frumpy flowered dress. I’m vaguely thrilled to see that I looked far more matronly 15 years ago than I do now.


bks_self.jpg
Check it out: lame trying-too-hard Flickr self-portrait, before Flickr! Or digital cameras!


bks_finger.jpg
And then . . . hmm, not much documentation of my early 20s. I had, like, a LOT of hangovers.


bks_jbme.jpg
Last one, I promise. This was taken eight years ago or so: JB and I before the children stole our youth were even a remotely serious consideration. I feel like I look pretty much the same as I do now, but what was JB, TWELVE? (SO CUTE OMG.)

All RIGHTY then, I think that’s more than enough. Thanks for coming with me on this humiliating stroll down memory lane! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to start an orthodontia fund for the kids — I have a bad feeling they’ll need it.

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Shana
Shana
13 years ago

Refreshing. :)

Naomi
13 years ago

wow, that was crazy to see all those photos. I don’t think I’d have the balls to post the photos of me growing up. I was such an ugly ass kid. :)

jamie
13 years ago

You are officially the bravest woman I (don’t really) know.

Aside: I think we had the same hairdresser in 3rd grade.

Ditto the Little House on the Prairie style guru.

Also, thank God for orthodontics.

Lesley
Lesley
13 years ago

Phew! Suddenly I feel an eensy bit reassured about my own gorky formative years.

Just be thankful you weren’t a teen in the era of elephant pants in pink pastel plaid with cuffs no less. (I’m stunned I even found that link.)

That last pic of JB is what Dylan’s going to look like I bet.

Lesley
Lesley
13 years ago

P.S. I believe the brown things on your cake are farm animals. The kind that need to be corralled, apparently.

Mandy
Mandy
13 years ago

I’m pretty sure I have similar photos of me from the same time periods. For sure the hairstyles match, including the supershort feathered ‘do and the superlong shapeless hair of my 20s. And that ruffled blouse–I had a turquoise one that I loved so much, though ironing those ruffles was such a bitch!

oregoncoastgirl
oregoncoastgirl
13 years ago

excellent. so, so excellent.

Caleal
13 years ago

Wooow.
I don’t think I would let the photos of my awkward years out for just ANYONE to see.

I mean, I make people sign confidentiality agreements before seeing my glasses-and-sweatpants floor hockey picture.

All Adither
13 years ago

I’ve had a really rough evening and this was just what I needed. Thanks!

Julie
Julie
13 years ago

You are Soooo cute, in every picture, my goodness, so sweet. I grinned all the way through, thank you for sharing this with us! I do, however, wonder what the heck those brown “things” are on your cake. And I would kinda like to know! The self-portrait you took seems the most like the on-line you we know. And the rest is all history! Thanks for sharing.

sooboo
13 years ago

God, that was so awesomely awesome. I had those same glasses. My husband calls them Tootsie glasses. Also, that red outfit with the kneesocks? I think I saw it in the window of American Apparel the other day. Oh, and your mom totally gave you a cat shit cake! What is up with that??

jen
jen
13 years ago

you and jb. omg LOVE IT!

Carmen
13 years ago

Hooo boy those are quite something. My photos look quite similar – same haircut, same dorky smile, glasses, etc. But I had a rainbow shirt in my photo, rather than a rainbow necklace. Just picture that! Ahhhh, the children of the 70s, and the teens of the 80s…it’s so crazy to look back. Thanks for sharing.

Elizabeth
13 years ago

Oh my god, that ruled. I especially liked the socks and visor look.
Your son always looks SO MUCH like JB, but you in that flowered dress picture – something about you in that picture is pure Riley.

honeybecke
honeybecke
13 years ago

Hah! Oh Linda! You are so funny.
Please don’t hate me if I say that in your 20something-coming-off-of-goth picture you totally look like you are about to become wife number 6 of some fanatic religious sect leader.

And, I am so loving the visor! and socks! Stripes! You sooo could have been on Kids Incorporated and been BFF with Stacey-Fergie-licious.

bibliogrrl
bibliogrrl
13 years ago

OH MY GOD. I had the SAME holly hobbie ruffle shirt/round/square glasses/bad haircut picture.

IT IS A PARENTAL CONSPIRACY FROM THE 70’S.

(I also had an ESPRIT bag in the 80’s, and when mine would die, I would save them, and when I had 3, I cut them up and sewed the logos to the back of my acid wash jean jacket. I was even crafty back then. ha!)

Naomi in Oz
13 years ago

And even with all that in your past, JB still married you! ;)
I think we all get better with age….

Beth
13 years ago

It’s usually only entertaining to see your own family photos, but those cracked me up. Wow, Jr. High was a great time for all of us.

Frank
13 years ago

Those are some cute photos.

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
13 years ago

That was the best post ever!!

I am so happy to see that I wasn’t the only one with many awkward phases. I was actually going through pictures at my parents house the other day and was like, “God, what was I thinking?”

I too went through the short hair phase, I looked like a boy. I had glasses that looked just like yours, they were Pink Panther (WTF????), I like them for a little while then never wore them again and just continued to become blind. Thank God for LASIK.

Thanks for the walk down memory lane.

Swistle
13 years ago

ZOMG TEH CUTE. I was going to make little jokey remarks here and there, but…well, you and I are the same age. And so I have very similar photos in my past.

Although—nothing quite like the striped kneesocks outfit, I don’t think.

K.
K.
13 years ago

Hey, I think we had the same glasses! And haircut.

How could anybody be pissed at you after such a display of the past? :)

ashley
13 years ago

Pigs? I think they were pigs. Nothing says birthday like pigs.

MrsWaltz
13 years ago

…it’s like an online support group. But where’s the shot of you with the Dorothy Hamill haircut? You had to have had one of those, right? I wasn’t the only one whose mom thought it would be a good idea…?

Traci
Traci
13 years ago

I totally have a photo with the same gym shorts/socks/visor getup, except that I ALSO have my face made up like one of the members of KISS, and I have my bangs put into a unicorn horn. Good times.

Christina
13 years ago

heh, ah this is awesome. Also, I liked the post yesterday. I mean I agree the whole world should be aware of changing bad habits but get off your high horses people. Just because I am not a hard core vegan localivore dumpster diving reuse everything fool does not make me a bad person and don’t all those green sites/magazines (which isn’t that like a double negative – I mean a GREEN magazine???)/people say if we all do small things we can make a difference?

Kaire
Kaire
13 years ago

I rocked the Dorothy Hamill cut! I also had a plaid/peasant-like/ruffled shirt like that, only mine was red, white and blue. Children of the 70s & 80s unite! I’d be embarrassed but 1) I’ll NEVER post those pictuers and 2) I was blasting Duran Duran on my way to work this morning and singing at the top of my lungs. *ahem*

the goddess anna
13 years ago

Makes me glad I destroyed all the pics of me with the Dorothy Hamill cut – especially because I’m too young to have rocked it when it was actually in style (thank you grandmother!!). To Kaire – Duran Duran is awesome. Also, I listen to Devo (unhealthy habit, but soo much fun!).

Other than the hair/glasses/teeth, you look remarkably the same. I know I don’t look a think like my childhood pictures, and neither does my husband.

Claire
13 years ago

I, personally, think it’s awesome to go back and look at your youth. I do it sometimes and am amazed at how embarrassed I *should* be but am surprisingly not. It makes me thankful how far I have come.

Thanks for sharing!

el-e-e
13 years ago

I totally have the SAME picture in my album – 4th grade, I think? – with the big glasses, plaid dress, and grossly overstated teeth OMG.

You were adorable. Ballerina?! Tee hee.

Cobwebs
13 years ago

Having also had a mother who was kind of over-the-top where birthday cake decorating is concerned, I’m pretty sure those things in the cage are plastic pigs.

The things outside appear to be dogs and maybe a coupla sheep. Were you unusually interested in farm animals at that age?

jonniker
13 years ago

That short, slightly goofy haircut? I had that. Why? Why did we have that haircut? It wasn’t flattering! For anyone! Did they just not care that we were wee? WHYYYY?

Maria
13 years ago

Your three-year-old picture looks so much like Riley! That’s awesome. My son has my eyes and my husband’s ears and seems to have cobbled the rest of his looks together from some magical land of cute. Cause my husband and I were both some awkward-ass kids.

KA
KA
13 years ago

I had the ruffled blouse in a red plain w/ heart-shaped buttons. I believe I also had red pedal-pushers to match. I think I got them from the Sears catalog.

diane
diane
13 years ago

Aww, thanks Linda…my morning needed this. And you now rock even more for sharing.
“Little” JB – awesome!

Abby
13 years ago

We need pictures of the grill, before and after, to complete this album.

Becky
Becky
13 years ago

Awesome…..

If you sub in jet black hair we are the same person…even had that awful palate spreading orthodontic device!

pavz
pavz
13 years ago

Enjoyed the photos and wanted to say, for the record, that I found your post yesterday funny, refreshing and more on the mark than off. Apparently folks were pissed (I rarely read comments so I’m just guessing based on your comment above). Not me. I was entertained.

Aunt Linda
Aunt Linda
13 years ago

Promise me you will never, ever, ever post any old pix of me, and I will bury a few old gems of you on the next truly dark night, never to be seen again. And remember: I know where you live.

nonsoccermom
13 years ago

Love it! I also went through some totally awkward phases. I blame the 80’s. We couldn’t help it!!

Jen@ODBT
13 years ago

You’re pretty brave for posting those pictures but I enjoyed the walk down memory lane. If I ever get as brave as you & decide to post hair pics, I would win in a big hair competition. I think my bangs alone made me 3 inches taller! Makes me laugh just thinking about my high school hair & I thought I looked cool.

Jamie
Jamie
13 years ago

Dude. I was holding it together pretty well until the cat and the Xanadu reference. Then I lost it because that shit is CLASSIC.

Oh, and the brown caketop turds look like plastic pigs to me, fenced in with green icing. Adorable. And sort of disgusting.

But mostly just AWESOME.

Alex
13 years ago

Awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome. I cracked UP reading this post, loud and unapologetically. Loved the photos, loved the commentary. Brilliant.

Kim
Kim
13 years ago

I always wondered what you’d look like with long hair!
This really made me very poopy morning a lot better.

fairydogmother
13 years ago

wow, this post makes me really glad that my mom has all of the old photo albums packed away. Out of sight, out of mind. Well, except when reading this post because there are several eerily similar incriminating photos of me somewhere. Giant colored-plastic glasses? Check. (Mine were blue, god knows why). Matronly early-90s dress? Check. 80s hair and fashion monstrosities? Double-check. Substitute ballet recital photo for tap recital, complete with sparkly costume, inappropriate makeup and random posing in the middle of the living room (Why was I even in a tap class? Seriously, I don’t know. It had to be my mom’s idea).

Danielle
13 years ago

Wow. Can I just say.. that one picture, the long hair matronly one? Doesn’t even resemble you now. You (and JB) are much better looking now.

Brenda
Brenda
13 years ago

Okay, I just have to de-lurk long enough to point out that after you went through the whole orthodontia nightmare, we don’t see your teeth in those pictures. So don’t be surprised (and I feel your pain) that after you spend a life savings on orthodontics for the bebes, you never see their teeth again anyway…..

justmouse (now chaosmomm)

omg. i love this post more than you can imagine! i think that’s partly because we’re the same age and i had many of those same outfits/hairstyles (SOCKS! VISOR!) i also had the fluffy farrah fawcett wannabe hair with big earrings, as well as the can-of-aquanet-a-day hairstyle. (oh, the cake? pretty sure that’s a FARM cake, with little turd-looking pigs in a pen, and horses). That pic of you with long reddish hair? holy crap. i would never have known that was you! and yes, JB looked about 12!

you are so adorable. this makes me kinda want to do a similar post, just to prove that i actually WAS cute at one point, dammit! but then it’d just show exactly how far i’ve come from cute since then…soooo, maybe not.

Nancy
Nancy
13 years ago

OMG — the one with The Shirt? That crazy, plaid, ruffled shirt? I had the exact same one (or nearly so). I think by then I had had braces and contacts, so I fixed a few of our shared flaws of those awkward years – but egad. I loved that shirt. Am. A. Dork.

I think you and JB have both improved with age — cute then, but hunky (JB) and lovely (you) now.

justmouse (now chaosmomm)

oh, and that very first adorable picture? reminds me of Sprout from teh Green Giant commercials. :D

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