Okay! Let’s move on from that foamy-mouthed business I posted yesterday, clearly I had a giant organic-tofu-stick crammed up my ass. If you’re still kind of pissed at me, please enjoy this proof that I have basically always been a total fucking goober. I was looking through some old photo albums today, and decided to capture a few of the more memorable images:


bks_susp.jpg
Here I am as a wee kidlet, and while I don’t think I was quite as consistently suspicious as Riley was/is, apparently I had my moments.


bks_cake.jpg
Not a bad looking kid overall, though, if I do say so myself. Look at that precocious 3-year-old, lording over her . . . uh, cake. Her cake festooned with — are those cat turds? Is that a cat turd cake? Or . . Vienna sausages? Okay, I’m pretty sure my mom wouldn’t have . . . MOM WHAT ARE THOSE BROWN THINGS OH MY GOD.


bks_rnbowneck.jpg
A little bit older here, and still fairly cute, if you forgive the insipid head tilt and . . . wow, rainbow heart necklace. Groovy.


bks_ballerina.jpg
Aw, look at the little ballerina! It’s adorable and nauseating, all at the same time.


bks_withcat.jpg
HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA. Oh god. Sorry, Cat of My Youth. Sorry. Jesus.


bks_schoolpicglasses.jpg
And — oh. Oh dear. Well, we’ve really started to slide off the rails here, haven’t we? The glasses, the hair, the blouse, the . . . the TEETH.


bks_stripedsocks.jpg
Yes. Yes indeedy. Socks, shoes, shorts, shirt, visor. VISOR. SOCKS. VISOR. Yes. Ahem.


bks_glasses.jpg
Say, why don’t we really take a GOOD look at those glasses. What are they, five, six inches thick?


bks_teeth.jpg
Well thank god, we’ve moved on to the Era of Contacts, but sadly this is still preceding the In-Depth Headgear/Braces/Palatal Spreading Device/Tooth Extraction/Retainer Years. What a grill. Also, Eugene Levy called, he wants his eyebrows back.


bks_gymn.jpg
Ah, the dorkily earnest gymnastics-themed photo. Xaaaaanaaduuuuuuuu…


bks_hair.jpg
Big hair, big earrings, denim jacket . . . ladies and gentlemen, the 80’s! I’m sure my ESPRIT bag was nearby.


bks_fresh.jpg
Fast-forward a few years to my freshman year in high school, where apparently I strived for sort of a . . what, Flock of Seagulls vibe? I bet that hairdo took about a can of Aqua Net every day.


bks_year.jpg
Please also enjoy the yearbook message written by the boy I had the WORST crush on. I remember I about peed my acid-wash pants when I saw the “hint, hint” part of his note. He was totally into the Punisher, CAN YOU TELL.


bks_longhair.jpg
More years down the road, I think I was maybe 20 here. I was coming out of my goth phase in bits and pieces: still surly, still addicted to unflattering red lipstick, still dyeing my (ohmygodLONG) hair, but obviously was willing to forgo the standard black uniform for a frumpy flowered dress. I’m vaguely thrilled to see that I looked far more matronly 15 years ago than I do now.


bks_self.jpg
Check it out: lame trying-too-hard Flickr self-portrait, before Flickr! Or digital cameras!


bks_finger.jpg
And then . . . hmm, not much documentation of my early 20s. I had, like, a LOT of hangovers.


bks_jbme.jpg
Last one, I promise. This was taken eight years ago or so: JB and I before the children stole our youth were even a remotely serious consideration. I feel like I look pretty much the same as I do now, but what was JB, TWELVE? (SO CUTE OMG.)

All RIGHTY then, I think that’s more than enough. Thanks for coming with me on this humiliating stroll down memory lane! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to start an orthodontia fund for the kids — I have a bad feeling they’ll need it.

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Lawyerish
13 years ago

The ruffled prairie shirt. OMG. Also the knee-high striped socks. I was also a huge fan of knee-high tube socks when I was in 4th and 5th grade. And of course I had plastic glasses.

We would SO have been friends.

http://www.lawyerish.com/lawyerish/2007/01/the_ugly_chroni.html

megan
megan
13 years ago

VISOR!!! SOCKS!!! That is awesome!!

I too had the short goofy haircut. My poor mother didn’t know how to style it well, and of course neither did I at that young. And I had the middle part. I have a whole series of school pictures that make me cringe.

And the ruffled shirt? My mom used to make my shirts way back then. And I do believe she made one almost exactly like this. Ha!

dorrie
dorrie
13 years ago

Dude. You are brave, and I love you. And give me back my glasses, betch, for I am blind without them.

Priceless

Maura
13 years ago

I’m too young, I guess, at 29 to know what a Dorothy Hamill haircut is (google makes it look like a wedge of parmesan cheese). But WTH is up with the BOY HAIRCUT? I had those brown glasses, too.

As for style, you know what they say about glass houses and whatnot. I rocked some MC Hammer pants in the early ’90s. That I made myself. (Guess I should rethink the boy haircut comment considering my curls were in an afro or pyramid shape until 7th grade).

Maura
13 years ago

Oops. That sounded snarkier than intended. You is adorable. You knows it.

Kristi
13 years ago

The visor-socks picture is just….awesome! Add some roller skates and I have a picture just like it. The rest of the pics are just too cute, and such a montage of the horrible youth haircuts/fashion trends that were FORCED on us in the 70s/80s.

You & JB=too cute. At the risk of sounding like a bad pick-up line, you just get more beautiful with age.

Thanks for postin’.

Jen
Jen
13 years ago

OMG…please post MORE! I could seriously look at these all day long!!!!!!!!!

kalisa
13 years ago

I had a polished rock necklace like that, too.

GoingLoopy
13 years ago

I had those glasses too. And some pre-orthodontia receding-chin-from-overbite. I didn’t have the short haircut, but I was rocking some awesome feathering that bordered on mullet and/or a really godawful perm along with my mom glasses, unfortunate pastels, and rainbow accessories.

Kristen
Kristen
13 years ago

Is it rude to say that you are so much hotter now, than you were in your 20’s? You didn’t look bad then, but compared to how you look now?
Also, JB is so cute in that picture!

Kate
13 years ago

Ah, The Awkward Years. Did anyone notice the sandals with the striped socks and visor? Awesomeness! LOL I’ve been there, sister.

I must confess that I too had awful glasses, but I went for the boyish ones that darkened in the sun. Let me tell ya, THAT made for some great pictures.

Oh, and the 80s. Wow. I lived in So Cal, Land of the Big Hair, and hoo boy.

Thanks for sharing Linda. It was a lovely little trip down memory lane. :)

Anne
Anne
13 years ago

Oh, good lord. We must be the same age, as your pictures mirror my formative years in glaring hi-def detail. The huge plastic glasses? Check. The completely dorky hairstyle in mid-elementary school? Check. The horrible checkered, frilly blouses? Check. The costumed photos commemorating dance recitals? Check. The slow transfer to what passed for eighties cool in jr. high? Check. Gradually starting to look better in high school (after braces for 18 months)? Check. The LOOOOOOOOOONG, dyed hair in late teens? Check. Slight goth phase (although mine never really got past black eyeliner and purple lipstick)? Check.

Did you ever wear knickers when they were popular, circa 1983-84? I did, and they were PINK CORDOUROY!!!! Not sure how I survived my intense coolness back then, but I must’ve somehow.

warcrygirl
13 years ago

Okay, I can totally live with the striped knee socks, but OMG you WORE THEM WITH SANDALS?!?!? Did you also have a pair of rollerskates with the little pom-poms tied to the laces, because I can totally see you in that outfit with rollerskates.

telegirl
telegirl
13 years ago

Love the pix. Why do we all get those horse teeth so soon?! We don’t grow into them until we’re 14 or 15.

Oh, and thanks for the ON-J Xanadu song that will be stuck in my head all. frigging. day.

Robin
13 years ago

Aaaahhhhh! I had those SAME coke-bottle glasses, the same short haircut, and the same wonky big teeth. Round about 3rd, 4th grade? I think the shirt I was wearing was argyle, though. Seriously, it’s weeeeird. I may have to dig through my own photo albums to prove it to you.

victoria
victoria
13 years ago

Thank you for this very charming post! Also, I think you look really pretty with dark auburn hair. It looks great with your skin and eyes. :-)

Rebecca (Bearca)
13 years ago

I loved this. Linda, you are so brave to post these photos. I am so horrified at the various awkward phases that I went through that I’m not sure I could do it. You are awesome!!

Sarah
Sarah
13 years ago

I think the cake had a basket of severed fingers on top?

Ruffled shirt? I had that too. Knee high socks? Check, but not as cute as yours.

At least you can see a progression of awkward to hot – mine went awkward, ok looking, downhill.

Best photos ever, though. More!

MEP
MEP
13 years ago

Another one with the same exact glasses in 3rd/4th-ish grade.

I cannot believe how DIFFERENT you look with the long, dark hair! Are you positive that’s you in that flowery dress? You look like your own Nazarene country cousin!

Megan
13 years ago

Oh wow, your awkward phase was bad. I almost feel better about my awkward phase completely with mother-made dresses, Dorothy Hamill hair and braces. I said almost.

And are those coraled plastic pigs on your cake?

Nic
Nic
13 years ago

Holy cow that shit was funny.

Beekeebear
13 years ago

OMG I LOVE IT!!!! Thanks for sharing.

(And PS, it looks like a pigpen cake to me. Pigpen. Nice.)

babs
13 years ago

wow, I’m like 3 years older than you, and I had so many of these same (awful) looks! The boy haircuts, the crazy shirts… but I was never brave enuf to wear socks like that. It’s awesome to see how far you have come.

Melissa
Melissa
13 years ago

Oh my God, I haven’t laughed that hard in a while. Not laughing at YOU, of course, but at hilarity of the fashions of the 80s. I also had those glasses, but mine said “Annie” on the side because they were in the “Little Orphan Annie” line. WTF? Also had that ruffled plaid shirt and short feathered hair. Dear lord, my mother took my brother and I to Sears for portraits when I had that haircut, and the photographer called me a boy. I’m not sure I’ve ever recovered. The matronly floral dresses – yup, been there, done that. I would never have known that one was you – I see no similarity at all!

I think my favorite was not only the striped knee socks, but also the fact that you were totally rocking the socks with those sandals – those HIGH heeled sandals. Had them too. Lord help us.

Bianca
13 years ago

I totally agree with the wife #6 of the religious sect leader. That so doesn’t look like you though!

Don’t forget to get the kids their diptet in addition to the orthodontia! Otherwise they develop lockjaw and nightvision.

JennB
JennB
13 years ago

i had those same glasses. and add 20 lbs consistently and give me good teeth (thank god) and we could have been twins. of a sort.

thanks for sharing, those photos made me wince and laugh in sympathy and rememberance at the same time.

Danielle-lee
13 years ago

OMG. The visor and socks! LMAO. You were so cute!! I can’t believe how different you look with long hair. Wow!
I had the thick glasses, and they were red, like sally jesse raphael. oh god. how embarrassing. And retainers. I was the PICTURE OF BEAUTY, i tell ya!
Yeah, JB looks about 12. That’s so funny!
Thanks for sharing!

Sean
13 years ago

These pictures are awesome. My favorite is the frumpy-dress one–it seems like a photo of a completely different person. A humorless, dowdy doppelgänger who is NOT AMUSED.

My mom has a ton of blackmail-quality photos of me stashed away somewhere. I should ask her to burn them. Or to give them to me so I can post them online.

P.S.: SO CUTE OMG is right. It’s still applicable now, from what I can see. You’re a cute couple then and now.

Leah
13 years ago

Wow. I just…wow. This is possibly the best/worst collection of ye olde photos ever. I’ve looked exactly the same since about fourteen on, so I’m sort of jealous of all you wild and crazy chameleon types.

Leeann
13 years ago

Every time I read your blog, I fall in love a little bit more. Please consider moving east and becoming my new best friend. We can hang out at Target and buy fabric softener together. It will be AWESOME.

Jennifer
13 years ago

Eugene Levy called, he wants his eyebrows back
OMG!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!

Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children

I LOVE looking at old photos! So fun.

JB does look like he’s about 12 in that last picture, I’d guess you to be 13. Cradle robber, you.

ColorCodedC
ColorCodedC
13 years ago

I freakin’ love it. I just went on a similar walk down memory lane. I’m moving and cleaning out all my stuff, which means I’m uncovering pictures I haven’t looked through since my last move. My painfully awkward stage apparently lasted a LOT longer than I thought it did. I’m talkin’ early 20s. Sad, but true. How did I even have boyfriends in college?? Oh, and I’m not kidding. I had those SAME GLASSES. Hot.

Christy
Christy
13 years ago

You are awesome. Ditto what Leeann said up there, except you’d have to move to Texas. Come on… Cheap real estate!

Amy
Amy
13 years ago

I am older than you, so my trip down memory lane was a bit longer, but still funny. Actually just brought an old yearbook to work because a co-worker and I discovered we were in jr. high together.
Oh my god….thank you for sharing! It’s hysterical how dorky we were in our youth and yet we thought we were so cool!!!!

Donna
Donna
13 years ago

Well, THAT was fun!

And. . excuse me. . . but you and J.B. look like a TOTAL of 24 years on the last picture.

Kendra
Kendra
13 years ago

This just made my day. My husband makes fun of my “awkward years” photos ALL THE TIME (he tends to forget his pink-shirt-wearing, skaterboy, mullet years…), and it’s so nice to see that other people have similar pictures. In fact, those glasses in the 6th picture? (I think it was the 6th…) Yeah. Pretty sure I had the same ones. Is it just me, or is it mothereffing child abuse to make a kid wear those?

Oh, and the one of you at 20 doesn’t look like you at all. Till I read the caption, I was going, “Now, who is this person?”

Kristin
Kristin
13 years ago

That was fun! Thanks for letting us see!

miuzi
miuzi
13 years ago

I’ve been lurking here for years and it took these pics to make me comment…holy crap that was awesome. That’s really all I have to say. Besides the you’re awesome and talented and shit. You obviously are. But these pics rock. Thanks for sharing with the world.

I’m bad at comments. Will probably get back to lurking in the shadows. But your writing cheers me up all the time.

monkey
13 years ago

I find the FLDS compound wife one is the best. Is your tattoo lurking under those modesty sleeves?

Rebecca
Rebecca
13 years ago

This was so awesome. Thank you for sharing. I had that rainbow heart necklace, and also very similar teeth. The striped-socks outfit is definitely the winner if you ask me!

kristylynne
kristylynne
13 years ago

I laughed, I cried. I had that same denim jacket with the poofy sleeves in the 80s. So reassuring to know that on the other side of the country, dwelled a fellow dork, all this time. I was not alone.

Francesca
13 years ago

Best. Post. EVER.

Jennifer
13 years ago

WHOA.

Looking at the crazy teeth, plaid prairie dress, androgynous hair and nuts glasses is like looking into a mirror. Shudder. What an awkward age! You turned out just fine though so at least you can look back on those times and laugh!

Angella
13 years ago

That. Was. Awesome.

The retro photos get me every time.

mixette
mixette
13 years ago

Loved this *SO MUCH*, and you are totally cool for posting those.

Is that a pig corral made from a plastic strawberry container on that cake? Go Linda’s Mom: mad skills from the pre-Martha Stewart days!

Julie
Julie
13 years ago

I totally had that dance costume as a kid, too. And the blue eyeshadow.

Kelly~ Mommy and the Marine

Now that is sad.
Ha, just kidding… isn’t it amazing the huge amount of difference in all the years. I need to find some old pics while I am at my mom’s. You have inspired me to find embarrassing pictures of myself. Thank you.

Samantha
13 years ago

Linda, I don’t know how you do it but you always come up with the best posts. This was awesome, it made me laugh out loud (as do most of your posts).

Sunny
Sunny
13 years ago

Same glasses (think I had Sophia Lauren frames- oh so hip), same prairie shirt, same bad, short, feathered hair and same damn orthodontist’s wet-dream smile. In high school, I went with a similar hair style, more Modern English than Flock of Sea Gulls. Oh yeah, it was something!