Sep
20
Gearing up
Filed Under Uncategorized | 64 Comments
If you don’t hear from me for a few days it’s because I have died. Or possibly I will be in jail for husband-cide, since JB is leaving for over a WEEK on a business trip to China which includes an extra couple of days to hike the Great Wall. I’m very happy for him, except for the part where I sort of hope he gets explosive diarrhea.
Oh, ha ha, not really. Maybe just a bad case of gas.
He’s flying business class, too, which completely erodes any sense of sympathy I might have had about such a long flight. “Northwest doesn’t even have first class,” he told me, all disgusted and woe-is-me. Isn’t that a SHAME, he only gets a Barcalounger, an IV drip of champagne, and caviar shoveled into his mouth by sinewy, cat-eyed flight attendants named Osana — what a HUMAN TRAGEDY it is to fly business class.
I’ll be sure to think sorrowfully on his plight when I’m washing up the aftermath of my seventh shit diaper of the day and eating a sleeve of Saltines over the kitchen sink.
His parents are coming to stay for a few days, which is going to be an enormous help and offload some of the crushing loneliness, and I suppose I can take solace in the fact that I can rent all the zombie movies I want without having someone moan about how these aren’t fast zombies are they oh my god I hate the fast ones (HELLO? Once you go fast, you never go back), but hoo boy, I foresee some long days ahead.
Oh sure, they LOOK innocent, but you know they are plotting my downfall. Someone’s going to develop an ear infection/barfing disease/painful new tooth this week, don’t you think? LET’S TAKE BETS.
Sep
18
Goodness gracious
Filed Under Uncategorized | 115 Comments
I was driving home from work today and as I motored along Westlake Ave — a busy Seattle street that hugs the west side of Lake Union — I passed a man walking two Boston terriers who were poised mid-process in the act of taking a long and thoughtful shit. Two dogs, the exact same size, the exact same breed (dogs whose faces have always reminded me of Andy Rooney), humped over in unison in that vaguely humiliating dog way, pumping out what were surely identically-shaped turds. And there was this guy holding two leashes strained in two different directions, who was not standing there wishing for death or crawling into the bushes to escape the snickering glances from the cars passing by, but was stoically digging out two plastic bags from his pocket, ready to scoop up and presumably dispose of his dogs’ feces.
Sometimes I am thunderstruck by the inherent goodness of people, you know? Not always, but sometimes.
:::
I have been trying to stop myself from writing about potty training because while I feel perfectly fine about discussing baby poop, I feel a bit more uncomfortable talking about 3-year-old poop, but I cannot help myself tonight: DEAR GOD THE POTTY TRAINING IS KILLING ME. I am convinced we have fucked it up in every possible way, and even though I swore I would never backtrack once we embarked on this oh-so-rewarding journey, after a recent weekend of our kid holding it until he was in pure misery, we pretty much put Riley back in pull-ups and stopped dragging him to the potty every ten minutes and man, I sure don’t know WHAT the fuck to do at this point. He poops at night and during naps, and no amount of bribery, explanations, supportive discussions, or outright threats is making a difference. Tonight he did something I guess I’d call a shart on our couch and I am no stranger to cleaning up disgusting substances but a plastic bag and a Boston terrier on a busy street is sounding FAR more preferable to dealing with someone’s stubborn refusal to crap in an area designed for crapping, and HELP HELP HELP. Is there something proactive I should be doing at this point? Or sit back and let it be for now? Seriously, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
:::
Home life in CRAZYTOWN:
-
My product review site:
[