I was watching Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead a couple weeks ago and there are multiple scenes where Marisa Tomei is wearing nothing more than a trailing bedsheet while she does something girlishly sexy like screw in an earring or flip her hair around and I couldn’t help noticing that her breasts, like, defy gravity.

I mean they actually point upward, each nipple bouncing joyously towards the ceiling. The rest of her body is flawlessly Hollywood-slender and probably pummeled into shape via Pilates and lettuce wraps, but what the hell, the woman was born in 1964, please explain how she has the boobs of a teenager.

My own personal chest region . . . well, two pregnancies and some weight gain/loss throughout the years haven’t been kind. When I get undressed, my boobs essentially drop to the floor and roll merrily under the nearest large piece of furniture. I have to buy those multiple-hook bras with thick straps and bolstered edges, and the one time I tried a pushup bra it was like trying to cram a bread pudding into a thimble.

Clothing designers are by and large an evil lot whose lifelong purpose involves frustrating the people that buy their wares — why else would I have four different sizes in my closet — but there is something particularly cruel going on with necklines these days. I can’t wear a plunging neckline because no one wants to see my, ah, sagging ruins, or the top of my sturdy, German-designed utilitarian bra, and I can’t wear a single item of clothing that requires a strapless bra (or worse, no bra at all), and let me tell you, there are not many pretty dresses out there designed with the gravity-challenged woman in mind.

I can tell you from experience that you can make a lot of changes to your body with diet and exercise, but all the pushups in the world won’t lift something that’s long since lost its boinga boinga, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

So tell me, should the finances ever align in my favor, do you think there’s anything wrong with marching into a plastic surgeon’s office and asking that they give me Marisa Tomei’s tits? I’m all done having babies and I hope I’m all done expanding and contracting, for the most part. From here on out, these sweater-puppies are nothing more than an adornment, so, you know, I’m just thinking it would be nice if they didn’t touch the tops of my shoes when I bend over.

Seriously, would you ever get plastic surgery? On the one hand, it sort of goes against the whole befriend-your-body thing I’ve been embracing lately; on the other, I WANT NEW BOINGA.

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Kelly Fodel
15 years ago

I see nothing at all wrong with a little MAN MADE BOINGA.

I would totally go for it if I felt uncomfortable with any body part (except a nose job… have you SEEN how awful those surgeries are?!)

Denise
15 years ago

I am usually very against plastic surgery for vanity reasons, but I also have a sagging boob. Yes, just one. My right one decided to get quite a bit larger than the left, and it sags because of that. So sometimes I do think about someday getting that one altered just to match the smaller, perkier left one.

I’ll probably never do it, but I think about it.

Amy Morris
Amy Morris
15 years ago

I, too, see nothing wrong with it. After having three children, I would do it in a heartbeat if I could afford it.

kirida
15 years ago

I don’t want breast implants. I want breast transplants. I see many pairs that I would happily trade out for my pair, which look like an unfurled fruit roll up.

Carrie
15 years ago

I think it would be a great reward – the icing on the cake, so to speak for all the hard work you have done to change your body. You deserve it. What a freedom it must be, to have perky boobs! I can’t even imagine. I have to make sure that my skirts are long enough so mine don’t peek out the bottom.

Clueless But Hopeful Mama

I have always been on a soapbox about plastic surgery. We all should love ourselves as we are and embrace our body changing, blah blah blah.

That was all pre-baby, pre-saggy boobs, pre-WRINKLED BELLY POUCH, of course. I am now thinking that a very tasteful boob lift (mine are small and used to be perky but now, when I’m not pregnant or nursing, they look like sad little flaps.) and a tummy tuck. We’ll see how everything looks and feels after this next baby is out and done with the boobs. I want to feel good about my body and I’m finally willing to consider that working out and acceptance aren’t the only possible solutions.

Liz
Liz
15 years ago

I don’t want implants, I just want a lift. Point UP again, please!

samantha jo campen
15 years ago

I don’t see anything wrong with it, but I’d never do it. I’d be too scared they wouldn’t turn out how I wanted and I sure as hell wouldn’t go under the knife and through recovery AGAIN. I’ve had little non-existant breasts my whole life except during pregnancy (I made it up to a full C! w00t!) so even sagging, they still can’t get very far.

Jenny J.
15 years ago

Okay, I’ll dissent. Dude. You are SO. HOT. Painful, expensive surgery is not necessary. Before you think too much aboout it, I’d research the just after photos of needlessly frankensteined chests, the scarring, the lack of sensation, the discomfort of sleeping for the rest of your life, etc.

Of course, um, no judgement here!

tiffany
tiffany
15 years ago

I say DO it! Honestly, the fact of the matter is if you are getting the plastic surgery for yourself to make YOU a happier person then no one should stand in the way of that. I am pretty young now with no children but you better believe if I have the money/interest to get any work done when I am older I will be all over it.

Lauren
Lauren
15 years ago

I’d say that with all the work you’ve done, and all the time you’ve put in, you most definitely deserve to feel good about all of you. (Not that you don’t feel good, but you know, who doesn’t want perky boobs?)

“Boinga”. Love it.

Navi
15 years ago

When I was 22 my boobs were a size 40FF/G. I had plastic surgery in the form of a breast reduction, which came with a fancy lift and perkifying of the ladies which would sag down to, I shit you not, my navel, without a bra. It has been, hands down, the greatest thing I have ever done for myself. I’m almost 25 now and a 38D and I can’t imagine going back to a life where I couldn’t wear Victoria’s Secret or wear anything other than Gap stretch tees in size XXL. I think if my body were in better shape (like yours), I wouldn’t hesitate to ask for a C, and enjoy all the–ahem–perks that come along.

WaltzInExile
15 years ago

Warning: Maudlin alert —
I can honestly say that, despite not loving my post-baby body, I will never consider plastic surgery of any kind. My mom never loved her post-baby (post 4 babies, actually) body and when she made enough money to have “a little work” done, she died of a pulmonary embolism the next day. My own kids are never going to know their Nana because she thought she wasn’t good enough the way she was.

georgia
15 years ago

I haven’t had children nor plastic surgery, but if I were in your position, and had the money, I’d totally do it. It’s not like you’re drastically changing your looks, which I’m against in most cases (noses are exempt cause, damn, there are some tragic noses out there).
Don’t tell her I’m telling you, but my mom had a “boob job” after having and brest feeding my brother, sister and I all in a five year span. They’re still small, and you can’t even tell she got anything done!
What’s the point of living with something that you’re unhappy with?

DJ
DJ
15 years ago

Do it – just be sure to do a lot of research on doctors and be sure to choose the right one. It can make all the difference in the world as in result: A+ or failed miserably.

BTW, I’ve been a closet reader for over a year. You really make my day sometimes. OK, most of the time.

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
15 years ago

I’m not sure what I would do. Knowing my luck I would end up with a bad outcome.

I used to have nice boobs, now they are big and saggy, in a bra they look great. Once my bra comes off they are down to my waist.

Dana
15 years ago

I totally agree with you getting a little surgical ‘boinga’ if need be. I would like to get some myself! I had my nose done a few years back and it was the bast decision I had ever made. I would LOVE to have my breasts lifted, as I am 27 years old with a 38G bra size, thanks to genetics and my beautiful 2 year old daughter. And these bad boys are on their way DOWN…so go for it chick!

Navi
15 years ago

To follow up on Jenny J.’s commment…it’s about 6 weeks of having to sleep on your back. And yeah, you can lose some sensation (I couldn’t feel my nipples at all for almost 2 years), but it can slowly come back, which is really exciting. It’s a short period of discomfort for, what I feel, is a lifetime of self-assurance.

Hillary
15 years ago

I firmly believe in never saying never, however, I don’t think I’d go the plastic surgery route. There are just so many things that could go wrong, so many better things I could spend my money on … but I’m with Jenny J — no judgment.

jenny
15 years ago

lol – all this talk about boinga has me cracking up! girl – if you want some new boinga – go for it! however, i’d be horrified that if i ever did it, i’d end up on one of those discovery horror shows about boobies that look like they were installed by a blind man with a hook.

Dorie
15 years ago

When I was younger I would have said no to implants. But after having two babies, I am left with saggy, barely a B-cup boobs and would definitely get implants if I had the cash.

NancyJak
15 years ago

For some reason, just recently I have been wishing I could have my sagging boobs lifted. Just lifted and perky again. And a tummy tuck – because way down at the bottom after 2 c-section incisions I could use a little help there too.

Keri
15 years ago

I’m totally against plastic surgery for vanity purposes. A few friends had breast-reduction surgeries which I supported because their health was suffering. Also, there are risks when you go under the knife…it just doesn’t seem worth taking that risk for vanity purposes. Just my two cents.

Katy
Katy
15 years ago

Sigh…

I’ve had D-cup breasts since high school and now that I’m expecting my first child, the letters are cruelly creeping up. I don’t see breast surgery as a vanity in my case since I’m pretty sure developing in 5th grade is what has caused my chronic back pain. When I finished with the having-children part of my life, I’d like, for once, to not feel so heavy-laden. To wear a sundress. To be able to run without strapping an Ace bandage around these things. I think, if it would make your life easier, it’s totally justified.

That’s what I’m telling myself anyway, and I’m pretty good at that justification thing. :)

Amie
15 years ago

This is one of those things I’ve been on the fence about. Before I had my first, I had a small size B chest. Went up to a D with that pregnancy, then down to a C. With sag. Then, with my second pregnancy, I went up to a DD, and then back down to a D post-pregnancy. Even more sag.

I am really scared what they’re going to look like when I’m done with round three. As it stands, I don’t really have cleavage so much as a gaping abyss. And bending over braless? SO not a pretty sight.

I’m terrified of surgery, though. I’ve read so many horror stories of it going wrong, blah blah blah. I just don’t know if I could do it.

Stephanie
15 years ago

Sweet mother. I would have at it. First would be laser hair removal, which I have heard doesn’t last. Second, I would fix my eyeballs and allow myself to see more than an inch from my nose. Third, the girls. I am 27 and no kids so I suppose I would have to wait, but I grew really fast in the upper slopes region when I was 11. I went from nothing to all in a matter of 9 month which, I believe had it’s way with my fatty tissue called breasts. So I can’t even imagine what they will look like after some suckage from babies. Nasty, I suppose.

Amblus
15 years ago

In a hot second. I wouldn’t want implants so much as a hoist. I don’t need bigger, but perky would be awesome. If I could afford perky I would totally buy it.

Karen
15 years ago

I was a very perky 34B before having children. After my first child, I was a nice 34C. Not as perky, but still supple and lovely. Then came boob stealer #2. I went from a 34C to a 38E during that pregnancy. I only breastfed for two weeks, as I prefer to keep my nipples from looking like war torn flesh.

Needless to say, when I’m done having kids, I’m getting a brand new pair. And I was very fond of my tits when they were huge, so…

Do it big or go home is my new motto.

Jennifer
15 years ago

I don’t think there’s a thing in the world wrong with doing something that makes you feel good about yourself. If you’ve gestated and spewn forth multiple children I think you’re entitled to do whatever you damn well please.

Should I ever wind up looking like something out of National Geographic you can bet your ass I’ll have a plastic surgeon on speed dial. Sorry hippies, better living through chemistry (and surgery).

Sande
Sande
15 years ago

I had a breast reduction about 7 years ago and it was one of the best decisions I made. I was so happy with my smaller breasts. Unfortunately I have put on some weight since then and of course it goes right to my chest, but I would do it again in a heartbeat! The scars are not that bad and in a bathing suit or any shirt you don’t see them anyway. The only person who sees them are my husband and he is not a boob guy anyway.

Karen
15 years ago

I totally left out the fact that the second kid completely robbed me of almost all of my breast tissue. They’re like two deflated whoopie cushions hanging from my neck.

That was sort of relevant. Sorry.

Never Had Any Boinga
Never Had Any Boinga
15 years ago

If that’s what you want — it’s your body, your decision. You do what you need to do. It doesn’t matter what anyone says, in the end.

My only hangup? Personally, I’d be worried about the loss of sensation. It’s what I think about when I consider breast reduction (because my problem is more of Dolly Parton-sized issue, kwim?). Sensation is one of those things that are, um, Vital.

My advice would be to take a look at all the pros and cons and decide what you can live with — or live without.

Traci Anne
15 years ago

Dude, I’m 24 and mah ladeez have been sagging since I was 20 at least – guess natural D-cups do that. As soon as I have the finances in order, I’m absolutely gettin’ these suckers up and out!

Maxine Dangerous
15 years ago

I’ve considered surgery, but only in that my-boobs-must-be-sleepy-because-they-developed-and-then-flopped-over-DEAD sort of way (as opposed to the ‘get pamphlets from a plastic surgeon’ way). I think I’m too scared to get it done, having watched too many documentaries – and episodes of Nip/Tuck – with the boob mashing and PUNCHING. Oy, the punching. Of course, that’s just with implants, but still: PUNCHING. I also worry that my boobs would end up looking weird and at least now I know exactly how they look. Blah blah blah, use your best judgment, you’re totally hot, etc. :)

p.s. I think the title of your post should’ve been “Elas-tit-city.” ;)

Beth
15 years ago

I totally, totally get that you want new boobs. I get it. So do I. But, a couple things:
1. It feels like cheating.
2. They’re not affecting your health, which is pretty much the main reason to have surgery.
3. It seems a little off character. And I know that I only see on this blog what you want me to see. I know that you live a whole life of which I know nothing (because how creepy would it be if I did?). But if this blog were a book and you were a fictional character, I would think the author had made a really weird choice to have the empowered, awesome-armed, cool-with-who-she-is-and-eff-the-rest-of-you Sundry get a boob job.

Jen@OurDailyBigTop
15 years ago

After 3 kids I would consider a tummy tuck and a boob lift. Nursing 3 kids has brought these things down.

ellie
15 years ago

oh just do it – but don’t rely on what people who don’t do recent research have to say. google is our friend. and don’t rely on mommy bodies as your guide either. do what’s right for you. personally i think you look great – but have been noticing some more “cover uppy” sorts of things lately. do your research and make yourself happy.

Never Had Any Boinga
Never Had Any Boinga
15 years ago

Sensation: vital to *me*, I meant to say. Standard internet caveat of YMMV, of course. :)

Liz
Liz
15 years ago

I say go for it! I got implants when I was 21 because like most women I am uneven–but unlike most women I am really, REALLY uneven. I was an AA on one side and a C on the other. It was actually covered by my health insurance because it was a “congenital deformity.”

I knew the risks, and I knew I that the only thing it was hurting was my pride and I should love myself no matter what, and I knew that it probably wouldn’t turn out as good as I had hoped and that I would always be a little uneven. But I thought it was worth a shot to feel more comfortable in my skin.

And I’m so glad I did! I look normal in a swimsuit and don’t have to pad my bras… just these little things make me feel so much better. I know I would be fine had I never done it, but having it done makes my life just a little bit easier.

I think the key is to just be reasonable about it. I don’t think people should get plastic surgery when they have serious self-esteem issues, cuz surgery isn’t going to fix it. But if you have reasonable expectations and the money for it, I say why not?

Sorry for the long comment, I had to make up for all the lurking I’ve been doing for years and years. I’ve been reading since Riley was a baby and I love hearing about your life.

Tracy
15 years ago

Here is my logic: Breast implants are not my thing, you know too unnatural or whatever BUT having your boobs lifted well that is just restoring to a previous date, not wrong at all.

Claudia
15 years ago

Despite the fact that my boobs (and I’ve breastfed two) have shrunk to nothing and what’s left sags, I would never consider unneccessary surgery. Painful, expensive and rife for infections, etc. I’ll just buy smaller bras and live with my body as-is.

biscuit
15 years ago

I thought I wanted a tummy tuck when I’m done having babies until I found out it’s THE most risky plastic surgery to undergo. . .

I see nothing wrong with having a breast lift. Fake titties creep me out unless of course one of your boobs is way bigger than the other + you get a fake titty to match it.

The brazilian butt lift looks awesome. . . very tempting.

Jules
Jules
15 years ago

1. I support you in the plastic surgery department, but would echo that you should definitely research the shit out of potential surgeons.

2. Can we please talk about that “Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead” film? Dear sweet jesus, was that ever depression. I think the only thing that was up about that whole movie was Marisa Tomei’s boobage (and I can second the fact that they are extraordinarily perky).

Teralyne
15 years ago

I also have been thinking about it myself. I too am done with the baby thing and would really like to be able to wear the bikini I wore before the kids again (or better yet a new one). I would not be changing my face or the way I look just a few sagging spots. Once I get up the nerve to do it I am going for it.

Jules
Jules
15 years ago

*depressing

Emily
15 years ago

I think you should just pierce your nipples. Your personal sexiness-feeling factor will go up by about a million. Although if you do want to go the surgery route, I think you’d be fine as long as you don’t do anything too extreme.

Ashley
15 years ago

Absolutely!

I’m pretty much slathered in tattoos because I like the look of ’em. I’d get a boob job if I felt that I wanted perkier boobs. I’m in the ‘whatever makes you happy’ camp. More of Marisa Tomei’s boobs in the world – definitely a good thing.

I’m still breastfeeding #2, and loving full larger boobs. But I remember the brief time between #1 & #2 and am enjoying these girls while they last.

Lisa V
15 years ago

The only reason I would say no, is I’m scared of the health issues that previous breast implant recipients experienced. Also the money. Plus with my luck, I’d die on the damn table or have a stroke or something. It just feels too risky to me.

christine
christine
15 years ago

Yep, I’d get a lift in a heartbeat.

Kelly
15 years ago

If you’ve got the money, you’re not doing it to please anyone else, and you’ve done some responsible research, then HOLY MONKEY GO FOR IT. I totally would.

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